A female voice came to me. I am here. We are here.
I turned around in a panic. The voice didn't sound evil, and I sure could've used a friend right about then. "Where? Where are you? Who are you?" The landscape was gray, gray, gray as far as I could see, which was only about a half-inch in front of my face. I was swallowed up in the middle of a nightmare with no idea of how to get out of it.
We are here. Her voice was a mere whisper in my own mind.
But then the area began to light up. What was gray became white and then cleared up enough that I could finally see. And I was not alone. I was standing in a clearing that looked very much like the one I had just left my friends in, and a group of shadow beings—The Others—encircled the spot where I was standing. There were also some creatures on the outskirts of that circle who would've liked to come inside, but they were being held back by what I assumed was some pretty powerful magic. I call bullshit on their magic working in here and mine not.
"What is this?" I asked the wyvern who moved out from between two of them and came to stand with me.
"You may only bring one," she said aloud, looking deeply into my eyes. She seemed…sad.
I was confused. She wasn't making any sense. "What?"
"You must choose one. One may go, and one must stay." She gestured to the ground, a little to my right. There were two lumps in the grass that I hadn't noticed before.
I walked over to get a closer look as bits of mist clung to my legs and swirled around. The light that The Others had brought was fading, and I was pretty sure it would be gone soon. When I got closer to the forms on the ground, I realized they weren't trolls or any of the other nasties I'd felt sliding up against me earlier. I bent down and touched them both. They were cold. Lifeless. But I could feel through the cloth that they were like me…human or fae.
I grabbed the shoulder of one and pulled it toward me. The body flipped over, and suddenly there was Spike's face staring up at me, his eyes open but sightless. My hand flew to my mouth, and I screamed. "Spike! No!" I leaned down and grabbed the front of his shirt, shaking him as hard as I could. I desperately needed to wake him up from the trance he was in, but I couldn't get a reaction out of him; it was as if he were already dead.
"No, no, no-no-no! This is not happening! No!" I put my first two fingers on the side of his neck like I'd seen doctors and nurses do on medical shows. There might've been a pulse there or it might've just been my own I was feeling; it was impossible to tell the difference, I was so amped up with grief, fear, and anger.
Desperate for something to make sense or to at least get better, I grabbed at the other body and yanked on its shoulder. It flipped over, and Tony's face greeted me. It was scarred from battle and as white as death. He was in the same state as Spike, his eyes open but seeing nothing.
I couldn't breathe. Sobs came bursting out of me as I covered Tony and Spike with my arms and lay down between them, first putting my face on one and then the other. "No. No. This can't be happening. You're not dead. I love you both. You're alive. You're not dead, you're just lost. Come back to me. Please come back to me."
The wyvern spoke again, her voice soft and filled with sorrow. "You must choose. You must choose now."
"I can't!" I shrieked, sitting up and glaring over my shoulder at the dragon who was asking me for the impossible. "I can't choose between them! They're both equally important to me! They're both…" My voice broke, but I forced it to continue on. "…They're both amazing. They're both awesome. I can't…"
"Only one can leave. There is only enough life force here for one. They have agreed to give it to the one you choose."
"What?" I didn't understand. She wasn't making any sense. None of this was.
"They knew before they lay down here that there was only enough life force for one of them to return. They made a pact. We will honor that pact. Only one may return and take this life force with him. The other will remain briefly before moving on to the Overworld."
"You think that makes it okay?" I half cried, half yelled. "That there was a pact?! Or to tell me that one of them is going to the Overworld? Because it doesn't! It's not okay! My best friend and my boyfriend can't die, okay? I need them both here with me, not flying around in the Overworld!"
"You do not need them, and they do not need you. Love is not about need."
Her words infuriated me. Like she was saying I was selfish or something. Like the only reason I wanted them around was because they did stuff for me. But it wasn't that way with either of them. "But I love them both, and that's all that matters. Forget I said need. I love them. I love them so much." My throat felt like an animal had ripped it out. It was raw and aching. I could feel a crack forming deep inside my chest, my heart splitting in two.
"Love does not extinguish when it moves to another realm. It merely waits. It merely is."
I could barely breathe I was crying so hard.
"Make your choice. This one or the other." She pointed first to Spike and then to Tony.
My head shook back and forth as my brain spun round and round. This wasn't real; it couldn't be. "I can't do it," I whispered. "I can't do it." This magical creature was telling me I had to choose between my best friend and my boyfriend. I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like without both of them in it. If I rescued Spike, how could I ever look at him and be in love with him again, knowing that Tony had sacrificed his life for him? And if I chose Tony, how could I ever look at him as my friend again, knowing that he had taken Spike's life force away so he could live? It was an impossible situation. I was ready to believe that this was what Leck had brought me into the Gray to experience. This kind of hateful awfulness was right up his alley.
I stood between Tony and Spike, looking down at their lifeless forms, wanting to scream and punch and kick and bite whoever was responsible for playing this stupid game with me. How could the universe be so cruel? Hadn't I always tried to do the right thing? And wasn't I always putting everyone and everything else ahead of myself? Why was I being asked to do this? I wasn't anywhere near qualified to be giving and taking away life from another living being.
"We all must make sacrifices. Everything that is happening to you now is happening for a good reason. You must continue forward with your life, on your path, and have faith that all will make sense in the end."
I turned to face the wyvern with my hands fisted at my sides. "I don't have faith in anybody but myself. I'm not going to choose. I'm taking them both with me."
I reached down and grabbed an arm from each of them and started forward, intending to drag their asses with me out of the Gray. Fuck these shadows, fuck this wyvern, and fuck Leck and the entire population of the Gray. I'm leaving! Game over! I win!
The problem was, they wouldn't move. It was like they were fixed in concrete or something. "Come on, you jerks!" I yelled, trying not to cry with the frustration I was feeling. "Why'd you have to eat so much food off that friggin buffet? Why'd you have to grow so many muscles while I was gone!" I was grunting with the effort of getting them to budge even an inch. "You're too heavy! Come on, help me out here!"
I wanted to imagine that I felt their fingers closing over mine, that they were seconds from sitting up and joining me on my grand exit from that shithole Gray. But that didn't happen. It was like I was dragging corpses or trying to drag corpses because nothing was happening. I let their arms drop and turned my anger on the shadow spirits who surrounded us. "Are you doing this? Are you the ones keeping them in this zombie state?"
None of them answered. They just hovered, floating into and out of different forms. They were ghosts, they were dragons, they were trees, they were angels, they were everything and nothing. And they were seriously pissing me off.
I raced toward one and tried to grab it, but it disappeared into mist. I tried to snag the one next to it, but the same thing happened. I ran in a circle with my arms wide open, trying to make contact with anything at all, but nothing happened; I was chasing fart smoke. I stopped
and held my arms out at my sides and raised my head to the heavens. "Come to me, elements! Hear my call, Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water!"
Nothing happened. I felt not even the slightest twinge. I was powerless and alone except for a stupid wyvern that was telling me to do something I just could. not. do.
"We must go," she said. "Make your choice or I will make it for you."
I turned on her, my eyes blazing with fury. "You'd better not, Long. I'm warning you…you leave them alone."
"One must rise and one must return. The shadows are falling. Make your choice now." The creatures she had gathered to illuminate the area started to converge on me.
I backed up until I was between my two boys. I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around them both, pulling them as close to me as I could. They rolled onto their sides so they were facing one another. I knelt down and put my face between them, speaking to both of them at the same time. I could sense the presence of The Others getting closer and closer, but I focused on the love I had for these fae men.
"Tony and Spike, I love you both. Please don't hate me because I couldn't choose between you. I'm going to be a mom, and I had no idea how hard it would be just to know that, let alone to actually be a mom responsible for another life. Spike you're going to be a dad. We have twins coming, and they need you. They need their dad. Tony, you're going to be an uncle, and they need you too. Our children need both of you. Please don't leave me alone. Please don't abandon me. Please don't make me choose. Please come back from the Gray with me. I can't live without you."
My pleas became even more desperate as I sensed the darkness closing in over our heads. I saw no way out of this alive, because without them, it just wasn't going to be worth it. "I'm going to give up if you're not with me. Do you hear me? I'll give up. I'll stay here in the Gray forever. Please come with me. I love you, don't you understand? Please, please…"
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I WAS NOT aware of leaving the Gray. I had lost consciousness at some point and woke up in the woods in my sports bra, right where Leck had first taken my hand. My friends were seated nearby, completely silent, staring at me. Becky and Finn had showed up at some point, and they were leaning on trees next to Scrum. I sat up and looked around desperately. Neither Tony nor Spike was there. "Where are they?" I asked in a rough voice.
Finn, Becky, and Scrum looked at each other and shrugged. They had nothing to say, and I couldn't read their expressions. I scanned the area, searching for the pixie family, hoping they'd have some answers for me. "Where are Tim and Abby…and Willy?"
"They went back to the compound," Becky said in a soft voice. "They received a message from the colony that they were needed."
I got to my feet and raced over to the edge of the woods, looking out into the meadow and praying I would see my boys—Tony and Spike—out there waiting for me. Maybe they were just sleeping, exhausted from having their energy drained in the Gray. But all I saw were grasses swaying in the breeze, not even a butterfly in sight.
I became angry. Furious. The wyvern Long and her friend Mike the ogre were gone, too. They'd probably hightailed it out of there because they knew they'd screwed me over. I started thinking that Long had purposely kept Tony and Spike from being brought out of the Gray. Maybe she'd even colluded with Leck to get me there in the first place. She'd been living there in that hospital with Malena for who knew how long, and Malena had made sure to put me in Long's room. Maybe the entire thing had been a setup. I felt royally screwed and royally stupid too.
I looked at my friends, anger boiling inside my gut. "Leave."
“Jayne, I can’t just leave you here,” Scrum said, his face screwed up in concern.
"But, Jayne…," Becky said, reaching for me.
"Leave!" I yelled, my voice deep and not entirely my own. The darkness inside of me was rising again.
They must have seen how serious I was, because they all took one more look at me and scooted out of there. I've never seen Scrum run so fast. Becky disappeared into thin air, yanking Finn right along with her. He was going to be really sick when he arrived at the other end of her teleporting trip, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything or anyone.
My temper flared hotter than it ever had before. Fire crackled along my fingertips, and I didn't stop it from coming. I pulled the Earth element into me, and then Wind and Water joined without conscious thought. All the elements were present inside me, and I could feel that they would soon split me into a million pieces—burn me up, drown me, bury me in the ground, and carry me away into the atmosphere—so I released them out into the world. I was soon surrounded by a tempest with the power of a hurricane and a tornado, a tsunami and an earthquake. The ground rumbled, water gathered in storm clouds above my head, nearby streams rose, wind bent trees to the point of breaking, and a fire started to spread from my feet, headed for the trees, and across the meadow. My life was over. The world was going to end. And I didn't care one bit.
A tiny voice cut through the din. "Jayne? Where's my mommy?"
I was so angry I didn't really hear or digest the words at first. I was distraught, let down, deceived, and infuriated…but then the voice came again.
"Jayne, I haffa pee. It's getting hot in here."
I looked down at my sports bra. It was like the sound was coming from my boobs. The storm lessened in severity. I found my voice again. "Baby Bee, is that you?"
Something tickled in my cleavage and then a little head poked out. "Agent Willy reporting for duty." He lifted his tiny hand in a salute. His uniform scarf was all wonky, part of it sticking straight out to the side, the other piece pointing down. He couldn't have looked more ridiculous. Or more innocent. Or more fragile. What am I doing? Trying to kill an innocent baby pixie?
I dropped my arms and forced the elements to go back where they belonged, out of my body and out of the environment around me. I couldn't remember why I'd been so angry. The only emotions I could feel anymore were profound sadness and confusion. "Baby Bee, how did you get in there?"
"I'm a spy and a spy does not re…re…re… I don't remember the word. A spy doesn't tell."
I sighed, closing my eyes and praying for patience. Leave it to a pixie to spoil my plans for total annihilation. No wonder they were considered pests in the Overworld. I could totally relate. "You know you really could've gotten hurt in there."
"It's sweaty in here. And it smells funny. But it doesn't hurt. It's kinda squishy. Like a biiiiiig marshmallow. Squish, squish, squish." He was literally punching my left boob.
I pulled the edge of the bra material away from my body. "Out. Get out. Right now."
"Are you mad at me?" He held onto the edge of the bra with the backs of his arms like he was lounging in a Jacuzzi. "Because I'm mad at you. And I don't think you can be mad at me when I'm mad at you first. You have to wait your turn. Mama says you have to wait your turn, cuz everybody can't go at the same time."
"I'm not mad at you." I had to convince the little turd of this because otherwise he was going to sit in my bra forever; I was worried I'd hurt him if I tried to pick him out myself. "I'm just mad at the world."
"At the whole wide world? That's a big place. Why are you mad at the whole world?"
"Because. Two people who I love a whole lot aren't here anymore." I couldn't say the word dead. I didn't want to believe it.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Two of the most amazing, awesome, courageous, funny, sexy fae that ever walked on this planet." I was crying by the time I finished my description of both my best friend and my lover.
"Are you talkin' about my mommy and daddy? Because they're not dead. They're alive. Mommy is with my daddy and daddy is with my mommy."
"So I heard. I thought you were supposed to be with them. And by the way, I'm not talking about your daddy or your mommy. I don't think your daddy could die even if somebody wanted him to. And your mom is as tough as nails."
"My daddy's too smart to die and my mommy's too mean to die. And I
don't have to go with my mommy and daddy if I don't want to because I'm a spy now. I'm a ayygent. I can do what I want."
"I don't think your mommy would agree with that."
"Well, she told me to stay and spy on you, and that's what I did, and that's why I'm here, so there. I'm on the team! I'm on Team Lellemental!!" He executed a pretty awesome fist pump after his declaration. Maybe Tim was right; maybe he had grown up.
"Ooops. I just tooted," he said, giggling. "Ew. Now it stinks in your boobies. Let me out, out, out!" he yelled, climbing to the edge of my bra and taking off into the air.
I ran after him because what else was I supposed to do? He was a nutty baby pixie fueled by delusions of grandeur, flying through the air like he was in his private garden and not in a big, bad world filled with demons and dark spirits. If anything happened to him, it would be my fault according to Tim and Abby, even though no jury would convict me. Secret agent, my ass. He was a spoiled little turd who needed to be disciplined by his parents. We might've been living in a fae world full of secrets and magic, but I was pretty sure it was still rude in these circles to climb into a girl's bra without her permission.
He flew ahead of me, giggling and shouting the entire way. He was jabbering nonsense, and even though I didn't catch most of what he was saying, I could tell he was very proud of himself. He was planning to tell his parents that he'd saved the day. And…well…maybe he had. I had been ready to take out the entire forest for a few seconds back there.
As I jogged along behind Willy, I thought about what had happened in the Gray. I angrily wiped tears from my face when they dared escape my eyes. The wyvern had told me to choose between two beautiful fae, and I had failed. I'd been too weak to sacrifice one for the other, even though they had made an agreement to give only one their combined life force. Waking up to an empty meadow and no Tony or Spike was proof that I wasn't capable of leading armies or being the savior of the world. I had fallen apart when things got tough, and my punishment was that I got neither one of my friends back.