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The words such as family , parents and siblings took each day an enchanting dimension and their connotation began charming me . I used to repeat to myself :" who are my parents? , where are they? , are they alive ? are they still in this region of the world or they moved back to their homeland ?..." , and sometimes I was so plunged in such a beautiful dream that I thought that if someday I find them , my happiness would be fulfilled and I would never lack something in my life . But suddenly I recalled the reality that I have been abandoned by my own father and left in the orphanage when I was just three , and I remained confused and astound because I couldn't realize the reason of this act and not any logic could convince me for the correctness of such a behaviour . Then I continued my illusions and was thinking about the sorrow of my mother for having lost her son in such a way and was hopping that she is still searching for me . Also I was thinking about my siblings , I wanted to know how many brothers or sisters I have or I could have , what happened to them if any . All these questions and concerns were about exhausting my soul and occupied my mind . Usually when I went to school , each afternoon I noticed all the mothers who cared with such an attention and worry about their children , cherishing them like gems and were afraid of the happening of something harmful or dangerous to them .They always recommended to their children to never leave the school alone and to wait till the arrival of the governess or their own arrival . Each time I noticed this sort of concern and worry the parents displayed for their children , I was surprised and was asking myself how comes that when the parents don't accept being separated from their children just for few hours and when they they are busy , they confide them to trustful governess or servants , I thought what happened then when my own father accepted to leave me in an orphanage by his own goodwill and leave me forever to my own . Quite simply I couldn't realize this fact and ignored the reasons of that .
I continued cheating myself and creating some happy end for the story of my life , imagining my parents very kind and gentle and supposing that maybe an accident caused my separation from them and was nurturing the idea of finding them and living happily with them forever . In my daydream I saw myself an influential personality who is able to send lot of messengers everywhere around the world to find my family , or imagining myself a great man who as a captain of a ship go to the homeland of my parents and after finding them I will fulfill all their dreams for their happiness . Or I imagined myself in a beautiful garden with all sort of perfumed flowers with the company of my parents, my brothers and sisters , taking them in my arms and kissing them and hearing my mother consoling me for all the events which happened to me and comforting me that there is no any reason for worrying or being upset about the dangers of the world , because I was not anymore alone, helpless , weak and miserable and they will care about me forever , and I didn't have to be afraid of the least thing which could make me anxious . So the tree of my wishes which was all about finding my biological family , was becoming each day full of branches and leaves by my unlimited imagination .
My sensitiveness in this domain became progressively a sort of obsession which didn't leave me in peace for some moments . The need of finding my true and biological family , and the right of enjoying the 'legal' and 'rightful' love of it was so growing that it was exhausting me . I should mention and stress this fact that my adoptive family showed an incredible comprehension and devotion in this critical period I was spending . I acknowledge that this state of mind has been produced and provoked by all the gossips I was hearing around me . Maybe if since my birth I was adopted by a stable family , or if I didn't remember my father leaving me , never I would hear some gossips about my biological parents and would never have a ground for suffering in this way . But the events of my life were so strange and so unique which put me at each moment in front of lot of various and different people and in all sort of different surroundings and experienced since my early childhood such an amazing things seldom bearable for a kid and encountered lot of different sort of families and individual belonging or to very high class society or to the lowest groups of people , made that sometimes I heard some people here or there talking about my father they have seen , or telling that my biological parents moved back to their homeland , or saying that my father was a very well-know scholar in that region , all of this increased my eagerness to find finally my biological parents and family and knowing my real identity .
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Now I was eleven and I experienced and seen everything which could be seen and known during a long lifetime . My sensitiveness provided such a ground in my mind that enabled me to judge everything around me and to distinguish the huge difference between humans . I realized that this difference made that some people in their goodness and humanity could reach the level of angels and some others in their wickedness and their diabolic aspects would be a shame for the wildest animals. If since my early childhood I was living in a mean and low surrounding full of all sort of villainy and would become familiar with that in a way that I would consider the villainy as something natural and ordinary maybe I would never be in such a pain . But fortunately or maybe unfortunately my destiny put me in front of the most noble principles and the absolute goodness . If I didn't have such a scale to evaluate the good and the bad , the most valuable principles and the lowest villainy , the absolute goodness and the absolute badness , I would never know or experience such a suffering . Maybe I would better see the things as a mixture of positive and negative aspects in their whole and consider everything natural and passing over them with indifference . But my nature was made up in such a way that I was extremely sensitive to the absolute goodness and this incited me to expect that all humans should be and should behave like angels , and all my disappointement was the result of my disability to consider everything with some relative distance or being objective regarding the human nature which is a mixture of basic instincts and an eagerness for the holiness .
I had seen and been very close with the individuals like 'sherven', the great eminant 'charitable man', 'sweet-uncle', 'mr.solen' my teacher, and 'grand-ma' and too many similar people , so honest , so extremely good , so devoted and careful about the pain and suffering of all the miserable ones ,I had tasted the magnanimity and the infinite generosity of the 'solen' family toward me and seen the generosity of lot of good families for their children . I had experienced this fact that when the heart of humans becomes vast like an ocean, it becomes able to accept and love everyone without being restricted or conditioned by obstacles such as ethnic group or territorial belonging, biological family or other reasons for discriminating the others . I experienced how a human soul could be great and what a potential it had for being magnanimous and generous , so with all my heart I was attracted by such an indescribable goodness and wished to be solved in it and being like this category of humans and belonging to it . But I was in pain and disappointment because I couldn't find these qualities in everyone and this generosity was not seen in the heart of most of the people . Still, lot of people around me despised, ignored , discriminated or openly humiliated me because I was not the biological child of the Solen family , or because my homeland was somewhere else , and I didn't belong to the same ethnic group than them , they considered me a stranger , a foreigner and a rejected one . My very suffering was because I had for some time the luck and the happiness of experiencing closely an extreme goodness and generosity , so I had to pay the price of this happiness I tasted, with an everlasting pain and suffering whole my life .
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My fervid eagerness to find my biological parents took such a extent that it became a sort of sickness and 'grand-ma' couldn't ignore it and informed all the family members. My joy and happiness mattered so much for Solen family that they were ready to sacrifice their own happiness for
having me in their home as their child, and extinguishing their love and attachment to me in their heart for the sake of my happiness . Someday my teacher 'mr.solen' came at home and after finding me in my room, busy with my artworks , addressed to me with a cheerful face :"guess what I found for you !", he had something in his hand kept behind himself , I was so astonished that I couldn't guess whatever , then he showed me an old and yellowish small picture and said :"they are your parents!". I began trembling out of stupefaction and emotion . With my shivery hands I took the picture and looked at it . I saw on the picture a woman of maybe thirty years old which had an amazing resemblance with me , who had a baby in her arms , a girl of almost ten and two boys of maybe eight and another of one years old standing beside her with a sort of strange fugitive look. In her left side a slim man of almost forty five wearing a costume of that time who looked very cold and serious with his glasses . I tried hard to find some affection and love in the eyes of my mother , but I found not the least trace of emotion . About my father I even didn't dare expectiong something . I spent almost one hour to observe and examine the details of that picture , and I was so absorbed by the picture that since then I could seldom talk with the Solen family members , all my fervent eagerness to find my biological family has been increased by that picture .
My new state of mind coincided with the rumours about the clarification of the status and the nationality of all the foreigners living in that country and their citizenship issue.This rumour could determine definitively my destiny because I had foreign identity , and this caused a sort of perplexity in me because as a teen-ager of eleven I couldn't make a decision , knowing that I grew up in that region of the world alone without my biological parents and among different people and with different adoptive families , I was confused about my homeland and about my real and true family , I didn't know to whom or to where I belonged . This situation caused the same perplexity for my adoptive family , the Solen family members . They were considering this issue with an extreme discretion because they didn't know if my biological family would search for me or not , if they would move to their homeland by ignoring me and leaving me in the city I grew up or not , so they were all confused .
I should mention that the school in which I was studying was managed by one of the great and patriot men having the same nationality than me , and the rumour of the clarification of the citizenship status of the foreigners , would suspend the budget for the management of our school and we will all find ourselves in an unknown situation . All these changes produced a sort of anxiety in me who was spending his early teen ages of life . Someday I asked my teacher 'mr.solen' from whom he had provided this picture , he told me with a great kindness and compassion in his voice that he found the picture from one of the old acquaintances of my father who is leaving this country and he has been told that your parents lost you when you were walking by your own in the streets and they never found you . I couldn't believe this tale because I remembered very well my father who left me in that orphanage , I felt so confused , so stupefyied and so shameful by this tale that I remained silent and didn't say a word about this accident . The only thing I wanted to know was the reason of such an act or such an incident .
So I spent few months in perplexity and confusion . But because all complex situations find necessarily an issue , the incidents which happened after this time changed definitely the way or the path of my destiny .
In an afternoon I went attending the weekly municipality meeting and listening the speech of the eminent 'charitable man' I knew him for a long time , as I mentioned previousely he had a holy dignified character . His comforting words and speech left always a positive impact on me and then after I became full of joy and force to face all sort of hardship and incident . Usually one of my fellow students at school who was a girl of twelve and accidently used to live in our neighbourhood was always in my company for attending these weekly municipal meeting . In opposite of the most students of the classroom who were arrogant and snobbish , she was a simple girl growing up in a very open-minded family with the least social or ethnic group prejudices . She considered me as one of her best friends who was worth of friendship and confidence . Lot of people were gathered when the eminent 'charitable man' was speaking , always encouraging people for good deeds and for compassion toward the needy ones . This afternoon , his speech was so enthralling that all people began cheering him up and applausing . Usually at the end of his speech a flower bouquet was offered to him from behalf of his friends and admirers , accidently this afternoon , I have been given the honour of offering him the flower bouquet with the company of my schoolmate . I approched him and gave him the flowers ; when he saw me and recognized me , with a joyful face smiled and took my hands in his hands and then caressing my head he said with a sort of surprise :" my son , it's very strange , as if I might inform you personally about this good news , we have found your parents and you will see them very soon ". If my friend didn't take my hand I would surely fall on the ground out of shock and emotion . The eminent personality letted me sit on a chair beside himself and then added , this time with a sort of regret and a quiet tone of voice :" I met your father yesterday , they moved here from another city and now they stay momentarily in a motel, he told me that if the problem of the citizenship of the foreigners becomes serious , they would move back to their homeland , he is very zealous toward his homeland and he would never let you remain and stay here , he would certainly bring you with him ...unfortunately yesterday I noticed lot of change in his general attitude , a sort of pessimism or rather a nihilism has took possession of him ...he is indeed a scholar and a very cultured man ,,, but I wonder how he would fulfill his responsibility toward the society and his own family with such a negative attitude ... now go , anyway I hope that since now he would be a good father for you..." . I couldn't understand these last words of the eminant 'charitable man' , but I was so full of stress and emotion and so eager of find my parents that the changes occured in the personality of my father had no meaning to me , finding and seeing my biological parents was my greatest happiness . After taking the address of the motel , my friend and me moved forward to find that place . My heart was beating fast , I was thinking about all the tears of my mother for her lost son , and was imagining in what a state she would be by seeing me , certainly she would be proud of me after nine years of separation by noticing all my good qualities and wisdom , also I was thinking about my brothers and sisters who would take me in their arms and would kissing and spoiling me , and my father , oh my father , he would certainly regret that he had left me in the orphanage and for sure he had suffered a lot for such an act and by seeing me he would regret more and more but to recompense all those days , how much love , attention and care he would show about me . I was thinking about all of this while we were walking on the way which led us to that motel . We arrived at the motel and from the concierge we asked the room occupied by my family , the concierge gave us the number of the room and show us the entrance . My friend and me after passing by a big lounge , we arrived at a garden , there under the trees and behind a table , some people were sat and were discussing with ardour and enthusiasm about philosophical issues . Moveless and speechless I began observing each one of the men sat there and at the end my eyes stared one of them . He was my father! with the same look than in the picture I had , but a bit slimer and with his grey hair and glasses he looked a bit older . With trembling steps I approched him , I was so touched and full of emotion that I couldn't find the appropriate words to introduce myself , finally I dared to say something and introduced myself and was waiting for a reaction . My father surprised, looked at me for few seconds , then without showing any warmth or the least emotion , in an absolute coldness kissed my forehead and asked about my news , then with a severe tone addressed to a little boy who was playing around and said:" go tell your mother that her lost son has been found ..." .
/> ...I knew that he was my little brother and stupefyied I watched him entering a corridor . My father told me that I had to follow him to meet my mother . Speechless I followed him and my schoolmate like a shadow was following me . The corridor was long and dark , and I was hopping that right now I will hear the cheerful voices of my mother and my siblings . I was walking with trembling steps , but not any sound or voice from somewhere , an absolute silence . As my father said , the room at the end of the corridor was their place . We arrived to the threshold of the door of the room . Some people were sat inside , but I didn't notice the least gesture or hear the least voice . For a moment I felt confused , this was against all my expectations and I thought that maybe we came at this room by some mistake , and my family was settled in some other room , but when I saw the same little boy who was playing outdoor, and apparently was my brother sitting beside a woman on the floor , I realized that they were in fact my family . A girl of almost fourteen and a boy of maybe thirteen apart that little boy, were sat on the ground too , and with a fugitive and incredulous eyes , while their head were leaned toward the woman , observed me and my schoolmate thoroughgoing . The woman sat among the kids remained moveless , in her seemingly calm look , a sort of surprise was noticeable . I recognized her . She was the same woman I saw in the picture , logically she might be my mother , moreover the resemblance I remarked between her and myself wouldn't leave the least doubt . My schoolmate and me we were still standing up in the threshold moveless and speechless . My mother asked me with a quiet voice :"who are you?" . While I was excited about introducing myself , I said :" it's me , your son , your lost son " . But not any change in the expression of her face which seemed absolutely indifferent , as if she already had some other worries , whispeared :" my son?!" , then with a sign she let us know that we could sit . My schoolmate and me we sat there on the threshold just like serf or servants before their master . A heavy and very unpleasant silence has been established and my mother didn't attempt or tried to break that silence . I was looking few moments at my siblings who were exchanging in their surprise some mocking gestures and another moments to my mother who was looking at me with an absolute quietness . The silence was really annoying . Finally my friend who was a very smart , bold and talkative girl broke the silence and said :" madam , what a resemblance between you and this boy who is one of my best friends ! I know very well that he had very suffered because of his separation from you , he was always in pain and cryied a lot for finding you , but now I'm very happy that my friend has found you and his very wish and dream have came true and his greatest joy and happiness have been fulfilled ..." . Then my mother with a sort of self-confident surprise asked :" why did he suffer ? wasn't he be well treated in the boardinghouse we confided him ? wasn't he well there ? " . My schoolmate with all her cleverness answered :" but madam, he is not anymore in the boardinghouse , for the moment he lives with the family of our teacher and under their tutelary ". My mother was thinking for a while and moving her head addressed to me directly :" well , now tell me what you do there as a job in that family ?" . Surprised and hesitating I answered :" but I don't work there , I 'm just studying , I'm a student of a school... ". At this moment my mother , once again ignored me and was worrying about something else and looked at her oldest daughter and son , said with a sort of concern and disappointment :" yes , my children were studying too but because of this unexpected travel , they had to suspend their study before the end of the studying year , they were student in the school for the foreigners , now I wonder if in this town and at this moment of the year they would be accepted by the school or not .." . Once again my schoolmate replied :" but madam , don't worry at all , because in this town the conditions for accepting students are very easy , I will inform you personally " . My mother looked with a great surprise to this girl who was talking with such a boldness and pretention . In fact , my schoolmate who was just a girl of my age was very smart, clever , fearless and talkative and that was really true that she could realize anything she claimed , she was the daughter of a very well-known jurisconsult of the city, so the eloquence and verbal expression was the forte in her family . While she was talking to my mother I was observing the cute face of my siblings who were sat in a line close to each other and was thinking about the words of my mother who called them 'my children' and considered me as someone stranger before who she was complaining about the suspension of the study of her children .