“Janelle, please stay!” I had pleaded with her after getting out of the car in my driveway. “You can’t just go back, you don’t know what’s waiting out there!”
“Yes I can!” she cried, hanging out the window in the back seat. “What’s waiting for me out here, Kelsey? I’m nothing! This is your life, this is all you. You’re so much stronger and I’m so sorry I ever doubted you! I just wanted a chance…”
“Jan, you’ll die! Why go back?! Why! Tasha, you can’t seriously-”
“I’ll do what she wants,” Tasha sniffled. “I have family too.”
“And I have to see if my mom’s okay!” my cousin sobbed. “You don’t have to be selfish or protect me anymore, alright? You did what you could. Don’t feel guilty for me, ever!”
“I don’t even know if it’s safe here,” I whimpered. “Please Janelle, stay! Stay for me, we love you, I love you! I can’t live knowing you’re out there, that I sent you back-”
“This is my choice, don’t you dare blame yourself!”
“And what if it comes here, I’ll be alone!”
“You have Seth, and besides that, you’ve gotta promise me,” she urged, reaching out and squeezing my hand tight. “If you never hear from me again, if I die or whatever-”
“No!”
“Kelsey, I’m serious. If things start happening here, you have to promise me…promise me that you’ll make them believe they have a chance. We don’t talk about any of this, okay? You don’t mention it to anyone, Kelsey! Not a word, not a soul, because so help me God if you let them lose hope, I’ll come back and fucking kill you! You promise?”
“Janelle…”
“Promise me!”
“Alright,” I breathed. “Okay! I promise…”
“Come here, you stupid little girl,” she cried, getting out of the car and wrapping her arms tight around me.
“You’re littler,” I joked.
“I love you!” she sobbed. “I love you so much…and now,” she whispered in my ear, “this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna turn around and not even watch this car leave, you understand? You just start walking to your house because it’s a bright new day. Beautiful…not even a single cloud. And when I’m gone, you can turn around, you sit on those busted front steps of your porch…you turn around, and you look at the sunrise. You watch that fire spreading in the sky, you wait until it’s dark out, wish upon a star, then you go say hi to Hux and give him a good fuck for me,” she laughed.
“Fuck you!” I giggled.
She let go of me and kissed my forehead.
“Don’t ever look back. You have all the time in the world, baby girl. Live it.”
My cousin got back in the car and I started walking. I walked and walked, the longest distance I’ve ever walked in my life. Heard the gears of the car change and wanted to turn around, but I didn’t. Not a chance. I’d made a promise. Heard them back away, the shift of gravel kicking up, and still I kept walking. The soft crush of stones under my feet and the sensation of being back in that hotel again, my heart fluttering.
Then I stopped as I heard them reach the street and speed away. Shut my eyes tight and didn’t open them until I reached the front steps of my house. That’s when I sat down and started to cry. I didn’t stop until it got dark. And even then, I waited for the stars…