Chapter 20
We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
-Winston Churchill
I woke up with a start, sensing Zac and Dave were both missing. I flicked on my torch. The beam lit up the remaining sleeping bodies. The faintest sound outside caught my attention. Zac softly clearing his throat. I walked outside without the aid of the torch.
I could just make out Zac’s features in the moonlight. He was propped up on his side in his sleeping bag. I was almost beside him before he noticed me.
“Hope! What are you doing out here?” he hissed loudly.
“I came looking for you. Why are you out here on the sand dune?”
“I couldn’t sleep. Stuff going through my mind.”
“Me too.”
I sank down beside him.
“I checked on the internet,” he ventured. “The next flight to the U.S boards in about five hours.”
“So you’ve found out it’s dangerous to stay?”
“No. We’re safe here. But I’m just keeping our options open.”
“How do you know we’re safe here?”
“Because I found out Dad and Mum know Dutchy and Dave. They all used to work together. And they all still keep in contact.”
“That’s a relief. But why do you want to leave if we’re safe?”
“You shouldn’t be here anyway. And I need to talk to Dad and Mum.”
“Why don’t you just ring them?”
“I tried earlier. They weren’t answering.”
“Maybe they’re out shopping. Or gone off in the kayak for a picnic.”
“Maybe.”
“Hey Zac. How come you’re not wearing a shirt? You always wear clothes to bed.”
An awkward look.
“I’m practicing sleeping like Mum and Dad sleep sometimes.”
“You’re naked?”
“Sshhh... Someone might hear you!”
“Why are you practising sleeping in the nuddy?”
“’Coz I’ve never done it before. And I might have to do it one day soon. If I get married.”
“But why are you practising out here?”
“Well I’m hardly gonna practise inside near people, am I?!”
He sounded stretched. I giggled.
“I guess that explains your behaviour. I thought you might have been...”
Zac cut me short with a stony look.
“Never mind. You know what I thought.”
Zac rolled his eyes.
“Hope, sometimes you’re too much! Why aren’t you in zzz-land anyway?”
“I keep waking up. I’m worried about something.”
“Is it a worry you can discuss with me?”
“You’ll just growl at me for embarrassing you if I try discuss it with you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because before you moved away you used to cuddle me in your bed and we’d talk. We’d even have showers together and you’d answer my questions about stuff. But these days when you come home you lock your bedroom door at night. And you lock the bathroom door when you shower. And you squirm if I ask you anything even slightly embarrassing. Like about sex. I’m surprised you haven’t already told me to get lost actually. Since you’re in the nuddy in your sleeping bag.”
Reflective silence.
“I didn’t realize it came across that way to you.”
“Well how did you think it came across?”
Zac drew a deep breath.
“I’m sorry... I stopped having showers with you, because you started developing breast buds and got obvious pubic hair... and I thought you might be embarrassed to keep having showers with me. But you’re right. I should have asked you if you felt embarrassed. Rather than just assume you were... Just because I was embarrassed.”
“You were embarrassed by what I looked like?”
Zac wriggled closer and rested his hand on my shoulder.
“No, not what you looked like. I was embarrassed by what my body was doing in response to what you looked like. Even though you never seemed to notice... And I was too scared to cuddle you in bed anymore for the same reason... I was afraid that it was incest. Even though my intent wasn’t perverted.”
“Are you saying you were embarrassed about your e’s?”
“Embarrassed... Guilty... Stressed out... Except back then I couldn’t tell you... You probably would have understood... but I wasn’t free enough inside to even say the word involuntary erection around you, let alone explain how I felt...”
He looked at me intently.
“But recently I’ve made the decision to try and be free and honest around safe women - like you...and Maya...and maybe Mum next time I see her. Courageous like a Viking explorer and an Inuit hunter and the son of Wandering Adventurer all rolled into one.”
I laughed softly and nuzzled him.
“You’re already all those things in my eyes. And more big brother.”
Silence. I could tell he was still chewing over something.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked softly.
“Something you said a moment ago... Hang on. I’ll just put my boxers on... Actually... maybe I’ll put my boardies on as well...”
I watched him wriggling around inside his sleeping bag.
“Come on... Hop in.”
“Hop in your sleeping bag with you?”
“Well you said you wanted to talk about something that’s worrying you. And that you miss me cuddling you in bed.”
I snuggled up alongside him and drew in a deep breath as he nuzzled me affectionately.
“You’re freezing sis.”
“You’re nice and warm. Is this the same sleeping bag we used to camp in together years ago?”
“Yep. Arctic rated...Oversize... Room for me, you and your teddy!”
“And Dad!”
Zac laughed softly.
“I don’t think Dad would fit in with us as well these days, unless we added another bag. I kinda take up more room than I used to back on those camping trips!”
I laughed emotionally. He combed my hair with his fingertips. I drank in the affection.
“What are you worried about anyway sis?” he whispered.
“My chest.”
“Why?”
“Feel.”
He rolled on his side.
“Feel what?”
I unbuttoned my top.
“Run your hands over my chest. What do you feel?”
“Um... I can feel skin.”
“Feel properly Zac. What else can you feel?”
Zac moistened his lips as his fingertips hesitantly explored my body.
“Um... I felt the bumps around the edge of your nipple then... and your breast bone... and I can feel your ribs.”
I repositioned his hands and moved them around in a circular motion and pressed them into my scant breast tissue. He started breathing heavily.
“Is this hard for you?”
“A little.”
“Thanks for doing something hard for me Zac.”
“It’s okay Sis... Aren’t you finding what I’m doing embarrassing though?”
“Yes. But I need to know if you think my chest feels nice.”
“Nice?”
“You felt Maya’s chest tonight. And you said it felt nice to you because you were a man.”
“Sorry. I think I finally understand. You’re worried about your appearance and you need my opinion as a man.”
He sounded relieved. I traced the contours of his chest with my fingertips.
“Dutchy showed me a photo of Maria tonight. She was curvy Zac. And her boobs were huge. Mine are tiny. I’ve never even graduated from a padded bra. Pedro joked and said you were crazy not wanting to see me naked. But what if he doesn’t like how I look when I’m naked?”
“Pedro’s not blind. If breast size is an issue for him, I’m sure he’s figured out your body is differently proportioned to his first wife’s. I don’t think he’s that shallow though.”
/> “How do you know?”
“I’ve seen him in action during a crisis. I remember when we were heading back to the Red Cross village in Haiti. We came across two men who were robbing jewellery off the dead and dying. One bloke was feeling the contours of this woman’s chest and he said something to the other in Haitian and laughed. At first I thought he was feeling for a heartbeat. Except I could sense Pedro bristling beside me, so then I realized the bloke’s actions were predatory. The guy started removing the woman’s gold necklace. And Pedro approached him and socked him in the jaw. Good and proper. I heard the guy’s jaw crack. And the other guy fled. Then Pedro kissed the woman’s forehead and scooped up all the jewellery and handed it in to the camp supervisor.”
“Gosh Zac - he’s been through so much. They all have... Dutchy and Katja... Reece and Prada...”
“And the rest of the family.”
“The rest?”
“Hey sis - if you marry into this family you’re going to have relatives coming out of your ears. I’m not sure of the current head count, but I know that Dutchy and Katja were orphaned by the holocaust, then they got married at fifteen and had six children of their own. And they adopted fourteen other displaced Romanian orphans, including Maria. And those kids all have children...”
“Adopted? Now I understand why Maria didn’t look like Katja or Dutchy...”
“Maybe that’s why Pedro’s so blown away by you too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe he needs someone who looks very different to Maria - someone that doesn’t remind him of her. And to have met someone to start over again who looks different to Maria and also loves Petrina - it must be like a dream come true for him... I wouldn’t let an echo of Eden spoil it for either of you.”
“If Maya’s chest was as small as mine, would you still love her?”
“I love how Maya looks... but I also love her for who she is inside... her fledgling love for God... her tenacity... the way she makes me feel inside... the way she thinks... and moves... and laughs... Over the years her appearance is going to change. So will mine. Dad and Mum have often told us that love needs to be based on more than appearance. And they’re right...”
“Oh boy. I’ve never heard you talk like this about another girl... You’re completely smitten with my bestie, bro!” I giggled.
Zac smiled self consciously.
“I didn’t know you knew each other until a few hours ago Hope.”
“I didn’t know you knew Pedro until a few hours ago either.”
Zac laughed softly. I drew a deep breath.
“I feel the same way about Pedro as you feel about Maya. He’s fantastic Zac. He’s a Christian... And the perfect gentleman... And he’s got this sexy laugh... And a hunky chest... And I feel safe around him... He’s a cross between you and dad... I think I could search for all my life and not find someone I love more.”
He looked at me in surprise.
“I knew you two were interested in each other, but you’re talking like you’re ready to marry tomorrow.”
“I am Zac. But Dad’s gonna say I’m too young to contemplate marriage when he finds out about our age difference. Especially after my track record of being deceitful about relationships.”
“Does dad know about Heidi Cannikin... intrepid reporter...gutsy adventurer... scientific writer extraordinaire?”
“No. It all started out innocent enough. All I did was submit a few of my college writing assignments into competitions using the pen name Heidi Cannikin. And I won a few cash prizes. And next minute I had newspapers ringing me up telling me they’d pay for my travel and hotel expenses if I’d write articles for them. So I did...”
“I enjoy reading the articles you write. They’re witty yet concise - Ms Cannikin!”
I smiled tensely.
“Will you help me tell Dad and Mum I didn’t deliberately deceive them Zac? Otherwise I might be grounded for the rest of my life and never get to marry Pedro.”
Zac chuckled warmly.
“Sure... Dad and Mum have got a few secrets of their own we can use as leverage!”
“Thanks big brother.”
I wrapped my arms around him. He squeezed me tightly. Unreservedly. I savoured the moment.
“Are you nervous about telling Dad and Mum about Maya?”
A pause.
“I’m a bit concerned they might have wanted me to marry someone who speaks Yupik.”
“Maya can always learn Yupik.”
“You’re the eternal optimist Hope.”
“I’ll help you break the news to them then. I’ve had more experience dropping bombshells on them, than you have.”
Zac laughed breezily.
“I think I can handle...”
Zac stopped midsentence.
“...Dave!” he gasped.
Zac drew me protectively closer. Chest on chest to disguise my unbuttoned top. I could feel his heart beating wildly. Dave stopped midstride, his back facing us.
“Sorry mate. I was trying to sneak past without being seen while you two were having your Canney cuddle.”
“You overheard us talking?” confirmed Zac.
“Yes. It’s good to hear you two communicating instead of locking horns... On that note, I’d best leave you two to continue your conversation...”
“Why?” I asked.
“Er... Because I’m so cold, I reckon I’m halfway to hypothermia.”
“Of course you’re cold. You’re just in your jocks,” I said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“Hope!” scolded Zac.
“Er... I was hoping it was too dark for you to notice,” mumbled Dave.
“No. I can see them clearly. You should buy some jocks like Dave’s, Zac. Since you’re trying new things before you’re married. They’re sexier than the boxers you wear.”
“Hope!” groaned Zac.
“Why aren’t you wearing PJ’s anyway Dave?” I asked curiously.
“Er... When I came back inside after chatting to Jen, everyone was asleep and I couldn’t get to my travel bag. So I just undressed and climbed into my sleeping bag and went to sleep in my jocks.”
“So why are you wandering around out here in your jocks?”
“Hope! It’s none of our business!” chided Zac.
“Er... I couldn’t sleep, so I got up... I didn’t plan on being outside very long... Except then Zac came out and plonked himself down pretty close to where I was... then you came out... and then you both started chatting... so I kinda stayed put rather than disturb you.”
“Oh, that explains it. I thought you might’ve been...”
“Hope!”
Zac physically clamped his hand over my mouth. I wriggled free and drew a deep breath.
“Zac’s sleeping bag’s warm. Why don’t you hop in with us and warm up?”
“Thanks, but I’d rather not do that.”
“Well at least turn around. It’s very difficult having a conversation with your back.”
“Thanks, but I’d rather not do that either.”
“Why not?”
“Because I just don’t want to make things any more awkward than they already are.”
“You secretly think my body’s ugly, don’t you?”
A noisy sigh from Zac.
“No...” said Dave quickly. “It’s nothing to do with your physical appearance. It’s just a matter of... commonsense.”
“So it’s not commonsense to look at someone when you’re talking to them?”
“No... It’s just one of us might feel... shy.”
“Zac and you already showered together so you can’t be shy of each other. And I’m not shy of you. So it has to be because you’re shy of seeing me in PJ’s.”
“No. It’s not your clothes... I’ve seen women wearing less than you’re wearing before.”
“When?”
“Er... well... back at the Airbase, I used to have to walk into the women’s shower-room sometimes to hurry a group of women along. Or ch
eck a woman over for ticks or treat her injuries.”
“So I’m not shy of you seeing me, and you’re not shy of seeing me, and I’m not shy of seeing you... so you’re shy of me seeing you, right?”
“Er... no... Or do I mean yes? Can you run that whole thing by me again?”
A deep chuckle from Zac.
“Stop laughing and help me out here mate! She’s doing my head in and Jen’s not here to rescue me!”
“Hope. Dave’s been doing a fantastic job as our surrogate dad these last couple of weeks, but he just doesn’t want to get in our sleeping bag with us in the clothes he’s in.”
“But we won’t be able to see what he’s wearing once he’s in our sleeping bag.”
“Hope! You’re torturous!” groaned Zac.
Dave cracked up.
“I give up... It’s too hard to keep having this conversation with my back to you pair... Listen Zac... hug your sister up real close - chest to chest. So I can’t see or feel anyone’s rude bits. Or see or feel what anyone’s rude bits are doing... And I’ll join this scantily clad Canney conversation - in my scanty attire... Even though it’s awkward for me and torturous for you.”
Zac drew me close again. Dave slid into the sleeping bag beside Zac.
A lengthy silence.
“Are you too scared to talk Dave?” I asked.
“Nah... I’m just enjoying the warmth.”
“Did you hear everything Zac and I were saying?”
“More or less.”
“Did you hear me asking Zac’s opinion about my chest?”
“Er... yes.”
“So what do you think?”
“Er... I generally steer clear of conversations about body image with women.”
“Because it’s a matter of commonsense?”
“Well women can be kinda sensitive about such topics.”
“It’s okay Dave. You can be frank with me. And you don’t have to hug me better if I get upset. Since you’re coy.”
Dave laughed freely.
“Alright. I’ll come clean. I’m not really coy. I just thought that if I pretended to be coy Zac might come to my rescue.”
Zac chuckled softly.
“Hmmm.... Let’s see... You’d like to have a shot at increasing your chest size... Well... a fella can’t build his chest without the right nutritional building blocks, so I guess women’s chests are much the same... it’s just that their chests have more fat tissue so the building blocks are a bit different... If I was your fitness instructor back in the Airforce, I’d be doubling your exercise regime for starters. Getting you up to at least forty push-ups to build up your chest frame.”
“Forty push-ups a day!” I gasped.
“Yep. And as well as the exercise, I’d double your carbs and protein intake to build up your chest muscles. And double your fat intake to build up the chest tissue... You know... Put you on full cream milk. None of this watered down low-fat stuff that’s full of additives that they label milk... And I’d feed you eggs every day... And fresh meat and veggies like we produce back at the station... And if that didn’t have any impact on your chest size, I’d double it all again...”
“Double it all again?! But that’d be eighty pushups!”
“Yep... It’s the only approach to take with scrawny runts like yerself... Even then it can take a year or two before there’s much to show for your hard work... I reckon it’s fortunate you weren’t with Zac and the others when they took Farliga Pass the other day...”
“Why?”
“Well Zac’s dropped 20kgs since I saw him last - between being lovesick and exerting himself on the Pass... Even Maya and Jake are leaner than when I last saw them... Imagine if you’d taken the Pass with them... We would’ve had to have written home to your dad and told him you were missing in action... Fell through a rock fissure the size of drainpipe and ended up in the centre of the earth somewhere...”
I laughed softly.
“You think I’m joking, eh? I’ll fix that... Report to me in the morning with Pedro. 07:00 hours. I’ll find your fitness baseline and then I’m putting Pedro in charge of your exercise routine... Same goes for you and your charges too Zac... I expect to see you all 7 am sharp. Exercises then judo classes.”
“Judo classes? But what if Dutchy joins in?” I gasped.
“Well I guess it’ll be an interesting start to the day if Dutchy joins in.”
Zac shook with laughter beside me.
“Followed by breakfast. At least four eggs for you girl. And six for you Zac... If you civilians are gonna run around confronting military heavies like Luan and Tarapaca, then you need to get your bodies into top form and keep them in top form...”
“But...”
“No arguing in the ranks. Same rules apply in my outfit whether you’re a scrawny wisp of a girl or a well built fella.”
“Are you this bossy about fitness with Jen?”
“Yes. You can’t prevent yourself growing old, but you can prevent yourself growing unfit... It’s good to get fit now while you’re young... Good for your love life too since you both seem to be thinking of going that way... Jen’s almost as trim as the day I married her... Lying in bed naked next to her at night we both forget we’ve got wrinkled skin and we just feel like we’re a young courting couple again... Hmmm... nice thought that... It’ll be good to get home and get a cuddle...”
Silence. Zac and I exchanged glances.
“Go get your sleeping bag to connect with mine,” said Zac, softly in Yupik. “Give us five minutes before you rejoin us.”
“I’ll make it ten,” I replied, as I climbed out of the sleeping bag and walked back towards the warehouse.
Courage is a special kind of knowledge - knowing how to fear what ought to be feared
and how not to fear what ought not be feared.
-David Ben-Gurion
“You sound like you’re really missing Jen...” ventured Zac, when Hope was out of earshot.
Dave hesitated.
“Yeah... It hit me tonight.”
Silence.
“Is Jen okay... after she rang tonight?” probed Zac cautiously.
“Yeah... I had a heart to heart with her... Evidently Gordon found a crack and accidentally opened up a fountain.”
“I thought Jen and Gordon kept their distance.”
Dave smiled.
“Have done in the past... Apparently, getting to know Jen was on Gordon’s list of challenges after all...”
Silence. Dave cleared his throat.
“I left a few details out earlier when Hope asked why I was out here... I don’t normally have any trouble sleeping but I just couldn’t hit the land of nod after Jen rang... I came outside because I needed a blubber, and I didn’t want anyone to hear me.”
Zac searched Dave’s face in the moonlight. He cautiously rested a concerned hand on his bare shoulder. Dave wriggled closer. Zac draped his other arm around him. Dave moved closer still and exhaled emotionally.
“I’d just about got the sorries out of my system, when I saw you appear with your sleeping bag, then look around and strip off... I knew I’d pushed you pretty hard already and you probably weren’t up to any more stressful encounters with me. So I thought I’d stay put until you looked asleep. Except then your sister rocked up...”
“... so you opted to stay put and half freeze to death rather than interrupt our conversation?”
“Ah ha.”
“And then you got dragged into our conversation too. In your jocks. How... embarrassing!”
“Embarrassment’s a good thing... helps you grow. So is being pushed outta your comfort zone... Keeps you praying...” bantered Dave.
“You ISRA mob have a whole different outlook on life.”
Dave chuckled.
“I admit I was out of my comfort zone for a bit there... But I kept reminding myself that more important issues were at stake than my temporary discomfort...”
“What issues?”
“Hope and the
demon of anorexia have had a few rounds together, eh?”
“What makes you say that?” asked Zac guardedly.
“I guess I’ve just never quite got out of the habit of picking up the tell-tale clues... The first evening we met, Jen and I were massaging your sister and I could feel her ribs, and I picked up she was wearing two pair of padded bras... Then yesterday, Maya mentioned in passing that Hope didn’t know how to use tampons when they first met which suggested delayed menstruation... And when you were talking about Haiti, you mentioned your parents were having a hard time with Hope over her weight...And then there was that flood of body image questions a while back...”
Zac paused.
“Um... You’re right. She was borderline anorexic. But don’t tell Mum or Dad I told you.”
“It’s one of those shameful family secrets, eh?”
“My parents blamed themselves... The worry aged them a lot too.”
“Anorexia claimed the life of another young woman in my outfit once... Years ago, before it was a well known disorder... It made me ropable that someone with so much potential could throw her life away... And when your sister called her body ugly and you let out that sigh, I got angry inside, and decided that even if you or I got embarrassed I was gonna have a shot at building on what you’d been saying to her...”
“Thanks for inputting into her life Dave... She’s changed so much since the last time we were home together. I had to pinch myself tonight when I saw her sitting down alongside Pedro, hoeing into a full plate of beef kebabs, then helping herself to pavlova... Anorexia’s so disruptive... It destroyed our family meal times... prevented us from eating out at restaurants... stole so many happy times together as a family because of the constant tension...”
Zac moistened his lips.
“I remember when it had its strongest grip on Hope, I was having a heated debate with her... trying to install some desire in her to snap out of her downward spiral... and she said she didn’t want to grow up - that she wanted to stay a little girl... But it’s like that’s all changed now... She’s talking about marriage...and motherhood. Mum and Dad are gonna cry for joy when they find out.”
“Nothing like a brush with death to make you realize how precious life really is, eh?”
Silence.
“Everything that’s happened tonight feels surreal... I talked about stuff... and did stuff tonight which I’ve been afraid to do before...Thanks for giving me the opportunity to practise being courageous.”
“Iron sharpens iron young lion,” replied Dave, squeezing Zac’s shoulder.
Zac made no attempt to break free. Dave started chuckling softly.
“Now what?”
“Sorry. I just get a buzz out of moments like these. Finally the caterpillar’s emerged as a butterfly...”
“Huh?”
“We’ve been snuggled up together in your sleeping bag for the last ten minutes... skin on skin... scary body bits brushing... and you haven’t tried to make a break for it once. Not bad for a young bloke who was struggling to let me even lean into his personal space earlier tonight...”
Zac hurriedly distanced himself as far away as the sleeping bag would permit.
“I wouldn’t even do this with Dad!” he groaned. “How did I end up doing it with you?!”
Dave laughed roguishly.
“I dunno... But you should try it with your dad some time... Next time you two catch up, why don’t you give him a lingering commando cuddle and have a long chat about sex with him?”
Zac wrinkled up his nose at the suggestion.
“Those butterfly wings of yours are still a bit wet to fly yet, eh?”
“Well they’re not ready for aerobatics if that’s what you mean.”
Dave eyed Hope walking towards them.
“Hmmm... Your sister’s coming back... I’d best get meself back inside so we can all get some shut eye, eh?”
Zac restrained Dave by the forearm.
“Dare you to stick around.”
“Come again?”
“Dare you to sack between me and Hope for the rest of the night. Since you’re missing Jen and you feel like a commando cuddle.”
Dave raised flabbergasted eyebrows.
“It’d be a good opportunity to make sure you’ve properly got past your distrust of young women as well. It might stretch you outta shape a bit if you haven’t, mind ya...”
Silence. Dave cleared his throat.
“You know, it’s been years since anyone dared challenge me pup.”
“’Bout time someone did then,” retorted Zac.
“You know what happens when someone throws down the gauntlet around me?”
“No.”
“I take up their challenge. Then I dish them back with a double serve...”
“Bring it on pops!”
“Alright... Give me your boardies.”
“What?”
“Well it’d be inappropriate to sleep between you and your sister in just my jocks.”
“But if I give you my boardies that means I’ll have to sleep near you in just boxers!” hissed Zac.
“Double dare served!” retorted Dave with a mischievous grin.