ARTHUR: Aw, Ma!
(Ma comes down to the footlights and talks toward the audience as through a window.)
MA: Oh, Mrs. Schwartz!
THE STAGE MANAGER (Consulting his script): Here I am, Mrs. Kirby. Are you going yet?
MA: I guess we’re going in just a minute. How’s the baby?
THE STAGE MANAGER: She’s all right now. We slapped her on the back and she spat it up.
MA: Isn’t that fine! —Well now, if you’ll be good enough to give the cat a saucer of milk in the morning and the evening, Mrs. Schwartz, I’ll be ever so grateful to you. —Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Hobmeyer!
THE STAGE MANAGER: Good afternoon, Mrs. Kirby, I hear you’re going away.
MA (Modest): Oh, just for three days, Mrs. Hobmeyer, to see my married daughter, Beulah, in Camden. Elmer’s got his vacation week from the laundry early this year, and he’s just the best driver in the world.
(Caroline comes “into the house” and stands by her mother.)
THE STAGE MANAGER: Is the whole family going?
MA: Yes, all four of us that’s here. The change ought to be good for the children. My married daughter was downright sick a while ago—
THE STAGE MANAGER: Tchk—Tchk—Tchk! Yes. I remember you tellin’ us.
MA: And I just want to go down and see the child. I ain’t seen her since then. I just won’t rest easy in my mind without I see her.
(To Caroline) Can’t you say good afternoon to Mrs. Hobmeyer?
CAROLINE (Blushes and lowers her eyes and says woodenly): Good afternoon, Mrs. Hobmeyer.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Good afternoon, dear. —Well, I’ll wait and beat these rugs after you’re gone, because I don’t want to choke you. I hope you have a good time and find everything all right.
MA: Thank you, Mrs. Hobmeyer, I hope I will. —Well, I guess that milk for the cat is all, Mrs. Schwartz, if you’re sure you don’t mind. If anything should come up, the key to the back door is hanging by the icebox.
CAROLINE: Ma! Not so loud.
ARTHUR: Everybody can hear yuh.
MA: Stop pullin’ my dress, children. (In a loud whisper) The key to the back door I’ll leave hangin’ by the icebox and I’ll leave the screen door unhooked.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Now have a good trip, dear, and give my love to Loolie.
MA: I will, and thank you a thousand times.
(She returns “into the room.”)
What can be keeping your pa?
ARTHUR: I can’t find my hat, Ma.
(Enter Elmer holding a hat.)
ELMER: Here’s Arthur’s hat. He musta left it in the car Sunday.
MA: That’s a mercy. Now we can start. —Caroline Kirby, what you done to your cheeks?
CAROLINE (Defiant, abashed): Nothin’.
MA: If you’ve put anything on ’em, I’ll slap you.
CAROLINE: No, Ma, of course I haven’t. (Hanging her head) I just rubbed ’em to make ’em red. All the girls do that at high school when they’re goin’ places.
MA: Such silliness I never saw. Elmer, what kep’ you?
ELMER (Always even-voiced and always looking out a little anxiously through his spectacles): I just went to the garage and had Charlie give a last look at it, Kate.
MA: I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t like to have no breakdown miles from anywhere. Now we can start. Arthur, put those marbles away. Anybody’d think you didn’t want to go on a journey to look at yuh.
(They go out through the “hall,” take the short steps that denote going downstairs, and find themselves in the street.)
ELMER: Here, you boys, you keep away from that car.
MA: Those Sullivan boys put their heads into everything.
(The Stage Manager has moved forward four chairs and a low platform. This is the automobile. It is in the center of the stage and faces the audience. The platform slightly raises the two chairs in the rear. Pa’s hands hold an imaginary steering wheel and continually shift gears. Caroline sits beside him. Arthur is behind him and Ma behind Caroline.)
CAROLINE (Self-consciously): Good-bye, Mildred. Good-bye, Helen.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Good-bye, Caroline. Good-bye, Mrs. Kirby. I hope y’have a good time.
MA: Good-bye, girls.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Good-bye, Kate. The car looks fine.
MA (Looking upward toward a window): Oh, good-bye, Emma! (Modestly) We think it’s the best little Chevrolet in the world. —Oh, good-bye, Mrs. Adler!
THE STAGE MANAGER: What, are you going away, Mrs. Kirby?
MA: Just for three days, Mrs. Adler, to see my married daughter in Camden.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Have a good time.
(Now Ma, Caroline and The Stage Manager break out into a tremendous chorus of good-byes. The whole street is saying good-bye. Arthur takes out his peashooter and lets fly happily into the air. There is a lurch or two and they are off.)
ARTHUR (In sudden fright): Pa! Pa! Don’t go by the school. Mr. Biedenbach might see us!
MA: I don’t care if he does see us. I guess I can take my children out of school for one day without having to hide down back streets about it.
(Elmer nods to a passerby.
Ma asks without sharpness:)
Who was that you spoke to, Elmer?
ELMER: That was the fellow who arranges our banquets down to the lodge, Kate.
MA: Is he the one who had to buy four hundred steaks? (Panods) I declare, I’m glad I’m not him.
ELMER: The air’s getting better already. Take deep breaths, children.
(They inhale noisily.)
ARTHUR: Gee, it’s almost open fields already. “Weber and Heilbronner Suits for Well-Dressed Men.” Ma, can I have one of them some day?
MA: If you graduate with good marks perhaps your father’ll let you have one for graduation.
CAROLINE (Whining): Oh, Pa! Do we have to wait while that whole funeral goes by?
(Pa takes off his hat.
Ma cranes forward with absorbed curiosity.)
MA: Take off your hat, Arthur. Look at your father. —Why, Elmer, I do believe that’s a lodge brother of yours. See the banner? I suppose this is the Elizabeth branch.
(Elmer nods. Ma sighs: Tchk—tchk—tchk.
They all lean forward and watch the funeral in silence, growing momentarily more solemnized. After a pause, Ma continues almost dreamily:)
Well, we haven’t forgotten the funeral that we went on, have we? We haven’t forgotten our good Harold. He gave his life for his country, we mustn’t forget that. (She passes her finger from the corner of her eye across her cheek. There is another pause) Well, we’ll all hold up the traffic for a few minutes some day.
THE CHILDREN (Very uncomfortable): Ma!
MA (Without self-pity): Well I’m “ready,” children. I hope everybody in this car is “ready.” (She puts her hand on Pa’s shoulder) And I pray to go first, Elmer. Yes. (Pa touches her hand)
CAROLINE: Ma, everybody’s looking at you.
ARTHUR: Everybody’s laughing at you.
MA: Oh, hold your tongues! I don’t care what a lot of silly people in Elizabeth, New Jersey, think of me. —Now we can go on. That’s the last.
(There is another lurch and the car goes on.)
CAROLINE: “Fit-Rite Suspenders. The Working Man’s Choice.” Pa, why do they spell Rite that way?
ELMER: So that it’ll make you stop and ask about it, Missy.
CAROLINE: Papa, you’re teasing me. —Ma, why do they say “Three Hundred Rooms Three Hundred Baths?”
ARTHUR: “Miller’s Spaghetti: The Family’s Favorite Dish.” Ma, why don’t you ever have spaghetti?
MA: Go along, you’d never eat it.
ARTHUR: Ma, I like it now.
CAROLINE (With gesture): Yum-yum. It looks wonderful up there. Ma, make some when we get home?
MA (Dryly): “The management is always happy to receive suggestions. We aim to please.”
(The whole family finds this exquisitely funny. The children scream with
laughter. Even Elmer smiles. Ma remains modest.)
ELMER: Well, I guess no one’s complaining, Kate. Everybody knows you’re a good cook.
MA: I don’t know whether I’m a good cook or not, but I know I’ve had practice. At least I’ve cooked three meals a day for twenty-five years.
ARTHUR: Aw, Ma, you went out to eat once in a while.
MA: Yes. That made it a leap year.
(This joke is no less successful than its predecessor. When the laughter dies down, Caroline turns around in an ecstasy of well-being, and kneeling on the cushions says:)
CAROLINE: Ma, I love going out in the country like this. Let’s do it often, Ma.
MA: Goodness, smell that air will you! It’s got the whole ocean in it. —Elmer, drive careful over that bridge. This must be New Brunswick we’re coming to.
ARTHUR (Jealous of his mother’s successes): Ma, when is the next comfort station?
MA (Unruffled): You don’t want one. You just said that to be awful.
CAROLINE (Shrilly): Yes, he did, Ma. He’s terrible. He says that kind of thing right out in school and I want to sink through the floor, Ma. He’s terrible.
MA: Oh, don’t get so excited about nothing, Miss Proper! I guess we’re all yewman-beings in this car, at least as far as I know. And, Arthur, you try and be a gentleman. —Elmer, don’t run over that collie dog. (She follows the dog with her eyes) Looked kinda peaked to me. Needs a good honest bowl of leavings. Pretty dog, too. (Her eyes fall on a billboard) That’s a pretty advertisement for Chesterfield cigarettes, isn’t it? Looks like Beulah, a little.
ARTHUR: Ma?
MA: Yes.
ARTHUR: Can’t I take a paper route (“Route” rhymes with “out”) with the Newark Daily Post?
MA: No, you cannot. No, sir. I hear they make the paperboys get up at four-thirty in the morning. No son of mine is going to get up at four-thirty every morning, not if it’s to make a million dollars. Your Saturday Evening Post route on Thursday mornings is enough.
ARTHUR: Aw, Ma.
MA: No, sir. No son of mine is going to get up at four-thirty and miss the sleep God meant him to have.
ARTHUR (Sullenly): Hhm! Ma’s always talking about God. I guess she got a letter from him this morning.
(Ma rises, outraged.)
MA: Elmer, stop that automobile this minute. I don’t go another step with anybody that says things like that. Arthur, you get out of this car. Elmer, you give him a dollar bill. He can go back to Newark, by himself. I don’t want him.
ARTHUR: What did I say? There wasn’t anything terrible about that.
ELMER: I didn’t hear what he said, Kate.
MA: God has done a lot of things for me and I won’t have Him made fun of by anybody. Get out of the car this minute.
CAROLINE: Aw, Ma—don’t spoil the ride.
MA: No.
ELMER: We might as well go on, Kate, since we’ve got started. I’ll talk to the boy tonight.
MA (Slowly conceding): All right, if you say so, Elmer. But I won’t sit beside him. Caroline, you come, and sit by me.
ARTHUR (Frightened): Aw, Ma, that wasn’t so terrible.
MA: I don’t want to talk about it. I hope your father washes your mouth out with soap and water. —Where’d we all be if I started talking about God like that, I’d like to know! We’d be in the speakeasies and nightclubs and places like that, that’s where we’d be.—All right, Elmer, you can go on now.
CAROLINE: What did he say, Ma? I didn’t hear what he said.
MA: I don’t want to talk about it.
(They drive on in silence for a moment, the shocked silence after a scandal.)
ELMER: I’m going to stop and give the car a little water, I guess.
MA: All right, Elmer. You know best.
ELMER (To a garage hand): Could I have a little water in the radiator—to make sure?
THE STAGE MANAGER (In this scene alone he lays aside his script and enters into a role seriously): You sure can. (He punches the tires) Air, all right? Do you need any oil or gas?
ELMER: No, I think not. I just got fixed up in Newark.
MA: We’re on the right road for Camden, are we?
THE STAGE MANAGER: Yes, keep straight ahead. You can’t miss it. You’ll be in Trenton in a few minutes.
(He carefully pours some water into the hood.)
Camden’s a great town, lady, believe me.
MA: My daughter likes it fine—my married daughter.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Yea? It’s a great burg all right. I guess I think so because I was born near there.
MA: Well, well. Your folks still live there?
THE STAGE MANAGER: No, my old man sold the farm and they built a factory on it. So the folks moved to Philadelphia.
MA: My married daughter Beulah lives there because her husband works in the telephone company.—Stop pokin’ me, Caroline!—We’re all going down to see her for a few days.
THE STAGE MANAGER: Yea?
MA: She’s been sick, you see, and I just felt I had to go and see her. My husband and my boy are going to stay at the Y.M.C.A. I hear they’ve got a dormitory on the top floor that’s real clean and comfortable. Had you ever been there?
THE STAGE MANAGER: No. I’m Knights of Columbus myself.
MA: Oh.
THE STAGE MANAGER: I used to play basketball at the Y though. It looked all right to me.
(He has been standing with one foot on the rung of Ma’s chair. They have taken a great fancy to one another. He reluctantly shakes himself out of it and pretends to examine the car again, whistling.)
Well, I guess you’re all set now, lady. I hope you have a good trip; you can’t miss it.
EVERYBODY: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Good luck to you.
(The car jolts and lurches.)
MA (With a sigh): The world’s full of nice people.—That’s what I call a nice young man.
CAROLINE (Earnestly): Ma, you oughtn’t to tell ’em all everything about yourself.
MA: Well, Caroline, you do your way and I’ll do mine. —He looked kinda pale to me. I’d like to feed him up for a few days. His mother lives in Philadelphia and I expect he eats at those dreadful Greek places.
CAROLINE: I’m hungry. Pa, there’s a hot dog stand. K’n I have one?
ELMER: We’ll all have one, eh, Kate? We had such an early lunch.
MA: Just as you think best, Elmer.
ELMER: Arthur, here’s half a dollar. Run over and see what they have. Not too much mustard either.
(Arthur descends from the car and goes off stage right.
Ma and Caroline get out and walk a bit.)
MA: What’s that flower over there? I’ll take some of those to Beulah.
CAROLINE: It’s just a weed, Ma.
MA: I like it. —My, look at the sky, wouldya! I’m glad I was born in New Jersey. I’ve always said it was the best state in the Union. Every state has something no other state has got.
(They stroll about humming.
Presently Arthur returns with his hands full of imaginary hot dogs which he distributes.
He is still very much cast down by the recent scandal. He finally approaches his mother and says falteringly:)
ARTHUR: Ma, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said. (He bursts into tears and puts his forehead against her elbow)
MA: There. There. We all say wicked things at times. I know you didn’t mean it like it sounded.
(He weeps still more violently than before.)
Why, now, now! I forgive you, Arthur, and tonight before you go to bed you . . . (She whispers) You’re a good boy at heart, Arthur, and we all know it.
(Caroline starts to cry too.
Ma is suddenly joyously alive and happy.)
Sakes alive, it’s too nice a day for us all to be cryin’. Come now, get in. Caroline, go up in front with your father. Ma wants to sit with her beau. I never saw such children. Your hot dogs are all getting wet. Now chew them fine, everybody.—All right, Elmer, forward march. —Caroline, whateve
r are you doing?
CAROLINE: I’m spitting out the leather, Ma.
MA: Then say: Excuse me.
CAROLINE: Excuse me, please.
MA: What’s this place? Arthur, did you see the post office?
ARTHUR: It said Lawrenceville.
MA: Hhn. School kinda. Nice. I wonder what that big yellow house set back was. —Now it’s beginning to be Trenton.
CAROLINE: Papa, it was near here that George Washington crossed the Delaware. It was near Trenton, Mama. He was first in war and first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen.
MA (Surveying the passing world, serene and didactic): Well, the thing I like about him best was that he never told a lie.
(The children are duly cast down.
There is a pause.)
There’s a sunset for you. There’s nothing like a good sunset.
ARTHUR: There’s an Ohio license in front of us. Ma, have you ever been to Ohio?
MA: No.
(A dreamy silence descends upon them.
Caroline sits closer to her father.
Ma puts her arm around Arthur.)
ARTHUR: Ma, what a lotta people there are in the world, Ma. There must be thousands and thousands in the United States. Ma, how many are there?
MA: I don’t know. Ask your father.
ARTHUR: Pa, how many are there?
ELMER: There are a hundred and twenty-six million, Kate.
MA (Giving a pressure about Arthur’s shoulder): And they all like to drive out in the evening with their children beside ’em.
(Another pause.)
Why doesn’t somebody sing something? Arthur, you’re always singing something; what’s the matter with you?
ARTHUR: All right. What’ll we sing? (He sketches:)
In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia,
On the trail of the lonesome pine . . .
No, I don’t like that any more. Let’s do:
I been workin’ on de railroad
(Caroline joins in:)
All de liblong day.
I been workin’ on de railroad
Just to pass de time away.
(Finally even Ma is singing. Even Pa is singing.
Then Ma suddenly jumps up with a wild cry:)
MA: Elmer, that signpost said Camden, I saw it.
ELMER: All right, Kate, if you’re sure.