‘You have a nice place here,’ she says, looking around my room. ‘Ah, such lovely books! I’d like to read them all!’ She goes up to the bookcase and looks at the titles. For the first time since I set eyes on her, she falls silent for a minute.
‘May I offer you a cup of tea?’ I ask.
She doesn’t turn, but just looks at the spines of the books. ‘No thank you, doctor… we have to be off again in a moment, and I don’t have much time… this was just a little detour. Ah, I see you have Flaubert as well, I love him so much… L’Education sentimentale, wonderful, really wonderful… So you read French too! A man of many talents! Ah, you Germans, you learn everything at school. How splendid to know so many languages! The vice-resident swears by you, he always says he wouldn’t go under the knife with anyone else… our residency surgeon is good for playing bridge but… the fact is,’ she said, still with her face turned away, ‘it crossed my mind today that I might consult you myself some time… and since we happened to be passing anyway, I thought… oh, but I’m sure you are very busy… I can come back another time.’
Showing your hand at last, I thought. But I didn’t show any reaction, I merely assured her that it would be an honour to be of service to her now or whenever she liked.
‘It’s nothing serious,’ she said, half-turning and at the same time leafing through a book she had taken off the shelf. ‘Nothing serious… just small things, women’s troubles… dizziness, fainting. This morning I suddenly fainted as we were driving round a bend, fainted right away, the boy had to prop me up in the car and fetch water… but perhaps the chauffeur was just driving too fast, do you think, doctor?’
‘I can’t say, just like that. Do you often have fainting fits?’
‘No… that is, yes… recently, in fact very recently. Yes, I have had such fainting fits, and attacks of nausea.’ She is standing in front of the bookcase again, puts the book back, takes another out and riffles the pages. Strange, I think, why does she keep leafing through the pages so nervously, why doesn’t she look up behind that veil? Deliberately, I say nothing. I enjoy making her wait. At last she starts talking again in her nonchalant, loquacious way.
‘There’s nothing to worry about, doctor, is there? No tropical disease… nothing dangerous…?’
‘I’d have to see if you are feverish first. May I take your pulse?’
I approach her, but she moves slightly aside.
‘No, no, I’m not feverish… certainly not, certainly not, I’ve been taking my own temperature every day since… since this fainting began. Never any higher, always exactly 36.4°. And my digestion is healthy too.’
I hesitate briefly. All this time a suspicion has been lurking at the back of my mind: I sense that this woman wants something from me. You certainly don’t go into the wilderness to talk about Flaubert. I keep her waiting for a minute or two, then I say, straight out, ‘Forgive me, but may I ask you a few frank questions?’
‘Of course, doctor! You are a medical man, after all,’ she replies, but she has her back turned to me again and is playing with the books.
‘Do you have children?’
‘Yes, a son.’
‘And have you… did you previously… I mean with your son, did you experience anything similar?’
‘Yes.’
Her voice is quite different now. Very clear, very firm, no longer loquacious or nervous.
‘And is it possible… forgive my asking… that you are now in the same situation?’
‘Yes.’
She utters the word in a tone as sharp and cutting as a knife. Her averted head does not move at all.
‘Perhaps it would be best, ma’am, if I gave you a general examination. May I perhaps ask you to… to go to the trouble of coming into the next room?’
Then she does turn, suddenly. I feel a cold, determined gaze bent straight on me through her veil.
‘No, that won’t be necessary… I am fully aware of my condition.’”
The voice hesitated for a moment. The glass that he had refilled shone briefly in the darkness again.
“So listen… but first try to think a little about it for a moment. A woman forces herself on someone who is desperate with loneliness, the first white woman in years to set foot in his room… and suddenly I feel that there is something wrong here, a danger. A shiver runs down my spine: I am afraid of the steely determination of this woman, who arrived with her careless chatter and then suddenly came out with her demand like a knife. For I knew what she wanted me to do, I knew at once—it was not the first time women had made me such requests, but they approached me differently, ashamed or pleading, they came to me with tears and entreaties. But here was a steely… yes, a virile determination. I felt from the first second that this woman was stronger than me, that she could force me to do as she wanted. And yet, and yet… there was some evil purpose in me, a man on his guard, some kind of bitterness, for as I said before… from the first second, indeed even before I had seen her, I sensed that this woman was an enemy.
At first I said nothing. I remained doggedly, grimly silent. I felt that she was looking at me under her veil—looking at me straight and challengingly, I felt that she wanted to force me to speak, but evasively, or indeed unconsciously, I emulated her casual, chattering manner. I acted as if I didn’t understand her, for—I don’t know if you can understand this—I wanted to force her to speak clearly, I didn’t want to offer anything, I wanted to be asked, particularly by her, because her manner was so imperious… and because I knew that I am particularly vulnerable to women with that cold, proud manner.
So I remained non-committal, saying there was no cause for concern, such fainting fits occurred in the natural course of events, indeed they almost guaranteed a happy outcome. I quoted cases from the medical press… I talked and talked, smoothly and effortlessly, always suggesting that this was something very banal, and… well, I kept waiting for her to interrupt me. Because I knew she wouldn’t stand for that.
Then she did interrupt me sharply, waving aside all my reassuring talk.
‘That’s not what worries me, doctor. When my son was born I was in a better state of health, but now I’m not all right any more… I have a heart condition…’
‘Ah, a heart condition,’ I repeated, apparently concerned. ‘We must look into that at once.’ And I made as if to stand up and fetch my stethoscope.
But she stopped me again. Her voice was very sharp and firm now—like an officer’s on a parade ground.
‘I do have a heart condition, doctor, and I must ask you to believe what I tell you. I don’t want to waste a lot of time with examinations—I think you might show a little more confidence in me. For my part, I’ve shown sufficient confidence in you.’
Now it was battle, an open challenge, and I accepted it.
‘Confidence calls for frank disclosure, with nothing held back. Please speak frankly. I am a doctor. And for heaven’s sake take that veil off, sit down, never mind the books and the roundaboutation. You don’t go to visit a doctor in a veil.’
Proud and erect, she looked at me. For one moment she hesitated. Then she sat down and lifted her veil. I saw the kind of face I had feared to see, an impenetrable face, hard, controlled, a face of ageless beauty, a face with grey English eyes in which all seemed at peace, and yet behind which one could dream that all was passion. That narrow, compressed mouth gave nothing away if it didn’t want to. For a moment we looked at each other—she commandingly and at the same time inquiringly, with such cold, steely cruelty that I couldn’t hold her gaze, but instinctively looked away.
She tapped the table lightly with her knuckles. So she was nervous too. Then she said, quickly and suddenly, ‘Do you know what I want you to do for me, doctor, or don’t you?’
‘I believe I do. But let’s be quite plain about it. You want an end put to your condition… you want me to cure you of your fainting fits and nausea by… by removing their cause. Is that it?’
‘Yes.’
T
he word fell like a guillotine.
‘And do you know that such attempts are dangerous… for both parties concerned?’
‘Yes.’
‘That I am legally forbidden to do such a thing?’
‘There are cases when it isn’t forbidden but actually recommended.’
‘They call for medical indications, however.’
‘Then you’ll find such indications. You’re a doctor.’
Clear, fixed, unflinching, her eyes looked at me as she spoke. It was an order, and weakling that I am, I trembled with admiration for her demonically imperious will. But I was still evasive, I didn’t want to show that I was already crushed. Some spark of desire in me said: don’t go too fast! Make difficulties. Force her to beg!
‘That is not always within a doctor’s competence. But I am ready to ask a colleague at the hospital…’
‘I don’t want your colleague… I came to you.’
‘May I ask why?’
She looked coldly at me. ‘I have no reservations about telling you. Because you live in seclusion, because you don’t know me—because you are a good doctor, and because,’ she added, hesitating for the first time, ‘you probably won’t stay here very much longer, particularly if you… if you can go home with a large sum of money.’
I felt cold. The adamant, commercial clarity of her calculation bemused me. So far her lips had uttered no request—she had already worked it all out, she had been lying in wait for me and then tracked me down. I felt the demonic force of her will enter into me, but embittered as I was—I resisted. Once again I made myself sound objective, indeed almost ironic.
‘Oh, and you would… would place this large sum of money at my disposal?’
‘For your help, and then your immediate departure.’
‘Do you realise that would lose me my pension?’
‘I will compensate you.’
‘You’re very clear in your mind about it… but I would like even more clarity. What sum did you envisage as a fee?’
‘Twelve thousand guilders, payable by cheque when you reach Amsterdam.’
I trembled… I trembled with anger and… yes, with admiration again too. She had worked it all out, the sum and the manner of its payment, which would oblige me to leave this part of the world, she had assessed me and bought me before she even met me, had made arrangements for me in anticipation of getting her own way. I would have liked to strike her in the face, but as I stood there shaking—she too had risen to her feet—and I looked her straight in the eye, the sight of her closed mouth that refused to plead, her haughty brow that would not bend, a… a kind of violent desire overcame me. She must have felt something of it, for she raised her eyebrows as one would to dismiss a trouble-maker; the hostility between us was suddenly in the open. I knew she hated me because she needed me, and I hated her because… well, because she would not plead. In that one single second of silence we spoke to each other honestly for the first time. Then an idea suddenly came to me, like the bite of a reptile, and I told her… I told her…
But wait a moment, or you’ll misunderstand what I did… what I said. First I must explain how… well, how that deranged idea came into my mind.”
Once again the glass clinked softly in the dark, and the voice became more agitated.
“Not that I want to make excuses, justify myself, clear myself of blame… but otherwise you won’t understand. I don’t know if I have ever been what might be called a good man, but… well, I think I was always helpful. In the wretched life I lived over there, the only pleasure I had was using what knowledge was contained in my brain to keep some living creature breathing… an almost divine pleasure. It’s a fact, those were my happiest moments, for instance when one of the natives came along, pale with fright, his swollen foot bitten by a snake, howling not to have his leg cut off, and I managed to save him. I’ve travelled for hours to see a woman in a fever—and as for the kind of help my visitor wanted, I’d already given that in the hospital in Europe. But then I could at least feel that these people needed me, that I was saving someone from death or despair—and the feeling of being needed was my way of helping myself.
But this woman—I don’t know if I can describe it to you—she had irritated and intrigued me from the moment when she had arrived, apparently just strolling casually in. Her provocative arrogance made me resist, she caused everything in me that was—how shall I put it?—everything in me that was suppressed, hidden, wicked, to oppose her. Playing the part of a great lady, meddling in matters of life and death with unapproachable aplomb… it drove me mad. And then… well, after all, no woman gets pregnant just from playing golf. I knew, that is to say I reminded myself with terrible clarity—and this is when my idea came to me—that this cool, haughty, cold woman, raising her eyebrows above her steely eyes if I so much as looked at her askance and parried her demands, had been rolling in bed with a man in the heat of passion two or three months ago, naked as an animal and perhaps groaning with desire, their bodies pressing as close as a pair of lips. That was the idea burning in my mind as she looked at me with such unapproachable coolness, proud as an English army officer… and then everything in me braced itself, I was possessed by the idea of humiliating her. From that moment on, I felt I could see her naked body through her dress… from that moment on I lived for nothing but the idea of taking her, forcing a groan from her hard lips, feeling this cold, arrogant woman a prey to desire like anyone else, as that other man had done, the man I didn’t know. That… that’s what I wanted to explain to you. Low as I had sunk, I had never before thought of exploiting such a situation as a doctor… and this time it wasn’t desire, the rutting instinct, nothing sexual, I swear it wasn’t, I can vouch for it… just a wish to break her pride, dominate her as a man. I think I told you that I have always been susceptible to proud and apparently cold women… and add to that the fact that I had lived here for seven years without sleeping with a white woman, and had met with no resistance… for the girls here, twittering, fragile little creatures who tremble with awe if a white man, a ‘master’ takes them… they efface themselves in humility, they’re always available, always at your service with their soft, gurgling laughter, but that submissive, slavish attitude in itself spoils the pleasure. So can you understand the shattering effect on me when a woman full of pride and hostility suddenly came along, reserved in every fibre of her being, glittering with mystery and at the same time carrying the burden of an earlier passion? When such a woman boldly enters the cage of a man like me, a lonely, starved, isolated brute of a man… well, that’s what I wanted to tell you, just so that you’ll understand the rest, what happened next. So, full of some kind of wicked greed, poisoned by the thought of her stripped naked, sensuous, submitting, I pulled myself together with pretended indifference. I said coolly, ‘Twelve thousand guilders? No, I won’t do it for that.’
She looked at me, turning a little pale. She probably sensed already that my refusal was not a matter of avarice, but she said, ‘Then what do you want?’
I was not putting up with her cool tone any more. ‘Let’s show our hands, shall we? I am not a tradesman… I’m not the poor apothecary in Romeo and Juliet who sells his poison for ‘corrupted gold’. Perhaps I’m the opposite of a tradesman… you won’t get what you want by those means.’
‘So you won’t do it?’
‘Not for money.’
All was very still between us for a second. So still that for the first time I heard her breathing.
‘What else can you want, then?’
Now I could control myself no longer. ‘First, I want you to stop… stop speaking to me as if I were a tradesman and address me like a human being. And when you need help, I don’t want you to… to come straight out with your shameful offer of money, but to ask me… ask me to help you as one human being to another. I am not just a doctor, I don’t spend all my time in consultations… I spend some of it in other ways too, and perhaps you have come at such a time.’
She says
nothing for a moment, and then her lip curls very slightly, trembles, and she says quickly, ‘Then if I were to ask you… would you do it?’
‘You’re trying to drive a bargain again—you won’t ask me unless I promise first. You must ask me first—then I will give you an answer.’
She tosses her head like a defiant horse, and looks angrily at me.
‘No, I will not ask you. I’d rather go to my ruin!’
At that anger seized upon me, red, senseless anger.
‘Then if you won’t ask, I will make my own demand. I don’t think I have to put it crudely—you know what I want from you. And then—then I will help you.’
She stared at me for a moment. Then—oh, I can’t, I can’t tell you how terrible it was—then her features froze and she… she suddenly laughed, she laughed at me with unspeakable contempt in her face, contempt that was scattered all over me… and at the same time intoxicated me. That derisive laughter was like a sudden explosion, breaking out so abruptly and with such monstrous force behind it that I… yes, I could have sunk to the ground and kissed her feet. It lasted only a second… it was like lightning, and it had set my whole body on fire. Then she turned and went quickly to the door. I instinctively moved to follow her… to apologise, to beg her… well, my strength was entirely broken. She turned once more and said… no, ordered, ‘Don’t dare to follow me or try to track me down. You would regret it.’
And the door slammed shut behind her.”
Another hesitation. Another silence… again, there was only the faint rushing sound, as if of moonlight pouring down. Then, at last, the voice spoke again.
“The door slammed, but I stood there motionless on the spot, as if hypnotized by her order. I heard her go downstairs, open the front door… I heard it all, and my whole will urged me to follow her… to… oh, I don’t know what, to call her back, strike her, strangle her, but to follow her… to follow. Yet I couldn’t. My limbs were crippled as if by an electric shock… I had been cut to the quick by the imperious gleam of those eyes. I know there’s no explaining it, it can’t be described… it may sound ridiculous, but I just stood there, and it was several minutes, perhaps five, perhaps ten, before I could raise a foot from the floor…