So, when little Lenny Helzerman was somewhere between the ages of four and seven, and when he was sitting in the backseat of the family car with his Grandma Helzerman and his brother Lloyd, who is two years younger than he, and after he was told that his Papa Dobson was dead, little Lenny learned a terrible truth. It was early evening, because that’s when these things always take place, and in spite of his protests and begging, little Lenny had to stay in the car with grandma and Lloyd. “But why,” he whined. “Why can’t I go in?”
Little Lenny Helzerman’s dad got out of the car and shut the door, but his mother just sat in the car with her head down. “Why mom,” Lenny pled. “Why can’t I go in for a second?”
Little Lenny noticed his mother’s hand reaching for the door handle as she turned in her seat to face him. “Because Papa Dobson’s body is in there and we don’t think you should see it!” And with that his mother tugged at the door handle. Little Lenny could feel his face flush and his heart drop and the reality of what his mother had just said began to sink in. His mother pushed the door open and his father’s hand reached down to help her out of the car. Lenny pushed forward between the front seats and blurted out, “You mean all of those people are going in there to look at it?”
Little Lenny noticed his father’s hand reaching for the handle on the other side of the door as his mother leaned her head back into the car. “Yes, so just stay here with Lloyd and Grandma Helzerman,” she said then turned to join her husband on the outside of the car. The thud of the door closing echoed in his head as little Lenny Helzerman, now horrified, sank back into his seat and watched his parents march across the parking lot to join all those other people who had gotten dressed up to look at his Papa Dobson’s body.
Still reeling from his mother’s revelation, little Lenny pressed his face against the window on his side of the car. Grandma Helzerman rolled the window down on her side of the car and lit a cigarette. Lloyd just sat there between the two of them examining the scab on his left knee and wondering if he would get in trouble if he picked it off. Through the fog his breath created on the window, little Lenny studied the stream of well dressed people coming and going from the funeral home. Some of the people were smiling and talking as they approached the entrance but started acting very serious and sad before they went inside. Some of the people were crying and hugging as they came out. Some weren’t.
Little Lenny Helzerman’s mind raced as he tried to figure out why they would do something like this. Of all the things to do to somebody when they died, why this? He wondered if Papa Dobson knew they were going to do this to him when he died. He wondered if Papa Dobson had looked at other people’s bodies when they had died. And who got his body and put it in there? It was all so confusing and maddening and little Lenny was trying to make sense of it all. And he started to imagine what was going on inside the funeral home.
Little Lenny Helzerman imagined that there was a long line of people forming in the hallway like at church when the teacher lined the children up to go to the bathroom or outside to wait for grown-up church to let out. He imagined that there was another room people were waiting to go into and in that room there was a table and on that table there was a black box and in that black box…
And little Lenny Helzerman stopped there because he didn’t want to imagine looking inside the black box. The whole thing still didn’t make sense to him so his imagination stayed there inside the room with the table that held the black box. Everyone else would take their turn and walk right up to the table and look inside the box. Then they would leave—person after person after person looking inside the black box and leaving.
Then it occurred to little Lenny Helzerman what was going on. He understood it completely. Of course they put Papa Dobson’s body in a box. Of course everybody got in a line to look at it. So his imagination began to inch toward the table that held the black box. The people in front of him continued to stop and gaze inside the box. Some sighed. Some shook their heads. Some wiped tears from their eyes. Then they would leave—until it was little Lenny’s turn. He took a deep breath, stood on his tiptoes and closed his eyes. “As soon as you die this is what they do to you,” he thought and opened his eyes to look at Papa Dobson’s pink, wrinkly, old-man’s penis lying in the black box.
And it was right then and there he realized that the one thing they make you keep covered your whole life is the very thing they cut off and put in a little black box as soon as you die. It was right then and there he realized that people will wait in a line to see the one part of you they couldn’t see while you were alive. It was right then and there little Lenny Helzerman decided that he was never going to die.
GRAY
Now, little Lenny Helzerman wasn’t sure that the Devil can be everywhere at once like God can, but he knows that the Devil is around enough to get you to do all sorts of things you wouldn’t normally do (or even think of) like the time Joey Bishop was climbing up the hill in front of the mailbox and little Lenny rolled a log down the hill right on top of him. Little Lenny Helzerman was certain that the Devil had made him do that. And if it wasn’t the Devil, it was one of those demons that jump inside of you and wear you like a suit until the name of Jesus makes it jump back out again, but by then you’d have done all sorts of bad things that would get you a spanking. No, the Devil might not be everywhere like God is but he’s around enough to make you keep your guard up.
And the Devil is the reason little Lenny Helzerman was standing on a bridge outside of Pumkintown just down the road from Miracle Hill. Mr. Bruce had called some sort of church-like meeting and most of the adults who work at Miracle Hill Children’s Home were there along with their families. The preacher was also there wearing a gray suit that fit him like he had bought it before he hit a growth spurt. And maybe gray wasn’t the best word to describe the preacher’s suit but little Lenny didn’t know what to call that color so he stuck with gray even though you could call the dark spots under the preacher’s arms and between his legs almost black which made little Lenny wonder if soot is a color, but then Mr. Bruce began to talk about the Devil and little Lenny Helzerman stopped caring about the preacher’s suit.
Mr. Bruce began by telling everybody that there is a Devil eye in his house and that it sits in the corner and that nothing good can come from having a Devil eye in your house and little Lenny Helzerman’s mind started to wonder as he stared at Mr. Bruce’s forearm. Mr. Bruce was the toughest man Lenny had ever met and even though Mr. Bruce looked meaner than anybody in the world, he was really pretty nice, but little Lenny was still afraid of him. Mr. Bruce could scare you just by looking at you—which was a trick he probably learned in the Navy—which was where he got that naked lady tattoo on his right forearm—which was what little Lenny Helzerman was staring at while Mr. Bruce talked about the Devil eye sitting in his house.
The fading, bluish-green ink curving through the hair and marking the muscle on Mr. Bruce’s forearm revealed a form more glorious than the Devil is evil and if there’s anything more powerful than the Devil it’s a naked lady. Little Lenny Helzerman studied the precise nipple dots on the plump boob curves and the wavy cartoon hair flowing from the naked lady’s tilted head that led to her arched back and ample hips which hid some secret that made little Lenny’s cheeks burn and his ears ring. Then she disappeared as Mr. Bruce turned and walked toward his truck which was parked at the far end of the bridge. Mr. Bruce’s mighty frame was covered in a shower of Amens when he reached into the bed of his truck and hoisted the evil Devil eye onto his shoulder. Little Lenny Helzerman watched in horror as Mr. Bruce made his way to the bridge railing with the Devil eye held securely to his shoulder by his right arm. The naked lady was now turned upside down just like little Lenny’s world had suddenly become.
Other than his Grandma Helzerman, Mr. Bruce was the only person little Lenny Helzerman knew who owned a television and if there is anything more powerful than a naked lady, it’s a television. Why Mr. Bruce was carrying his TV tow
ard the bridge railing was beyond little Lenny’s comprehension. Didn’t Mr. Bruce know about Gunsmoke and Batman and Saturday morning cartoons and Shock Theater on Sunday afternoon? Had some demon jumped inside of him and taken control of his actions?
Little Lenny Helzerman began to panic. His ability to watch TV was now going to be left to the random chance of a visit to Grandma Helzerman’s house and Grandma Helzerman lived all the way in Six Mile and Six Mile was at least thirty minutes away from Miracle Hill.
“Oh Jesus!”
It had slipped out. He didn’t mean to say it. It had to be the Devil. Little Lenny Helzerman froze. Mr. Bruce stopped and looked little Lenny square in the face and little Lenny was afraid.
“Praise God!” someone murmured.
Then, “Hallelujah!”
And, “Thank you, Jesus!”
Little Lenny Helzerman had no idea what had happened but Mr. Bruce smiled and muttered something about not letting the Devil get the best of him. Then he heaved his television off the bridge as the chorus of Hallelujahs and other church words continued to rain down on him, but above it all little Lenny Helzerman still heard the