“I need more time, my wife,” Branford said as his lips brushed my ear. “The situation here is far more dire than I have allowed you to know. I have some…possibilities, but we are too weak, our forces still far inferior to Hadebrand’s. I have to move very slowly, or those who are watching will understand what I am doing. There are far too many here now who side with Edgar, and six months is not enough. I need more time—a year, at least. For now…trust no one, Alexandra. No one!”
He pulled back and looked into my eyes as his fingers traced my cheekbone, brushing the stray tears from my skin. Again as if he were to kiss me, he leaned over to my other ear and whispered low to me.
“There is a word, Alexandra…a word known only to Sterlings. It is our family’s secret word. If the word is said, you know the person with you is trusted. Nod if you understand.”
I swallowed hard as the tension in my shoulders increased. I nodded once.
“Twilight,” he whispered to me. “Did you hear me clearly?”
“Yes,” I said as I turned my head to him.
“Do not repeat it,” he instructed as he pulled away from my ear. There was still so much pain in his eyes, and I was more confused than I had been before. His thumbs caressed my cheekbones as he looked into my eyes.
I wrapped my arms more fully around him and pressed my cheek into his chest. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders and held me against him.
“I wish our lives were our own,” he told me. “It would be…so very different. I fear when I become king, it will be worse, not better. Unless…”
My husband’s eyes closed, and he shook his head slowly.
“Still, I cannot bring myself to wish I had never brought you here,” he said as he looked at me. He moved in and tentatively touched his lips to mine. “It is horribly selfish of me, I know, but you are the only good thing in my life.”
“Branford, your family…”
“Yes, yes,” he said, but his tone was dismissive. “But it is not the same. I love them, of course. I care for them. But you…I never wanted to do anything to…to hurt you…and now…now…”
I could not deny the look in his eyes, for I knew I felt the same way. His emotions flared, and he moved quickly from love to determination to fear and anguish. Branford dropped to his knees in front of me, reaching out his arms to wrap around my waist.
“Please,” he begged of me, “take these thoughts from me. Make them disappear.”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and he collapsed into me. With his head against my breast and his arms wrapped so tightly around me I could barely breathe, I held him. We stayed like that, wrapped together in the straw, throughout the night. Though I held him tightly, I could not stop the tears from falling. I cried for Hadley, for my husband, and for myself. Lying on the floor of the kennel in the middle of the winter night, I cried for Silverhelm and for the child we seemed destined to never have with each other.
*****
I woke, still on the ground in the kennel with the morning sun shining through the windows and my cold muscles aching. Looking around me, I immediately saw Michael near the entrance, holding Branford’s helmet in his hands, rubbing vigorously at the scuffs and marks until it shined.
Branford was nowhere to be seen.
I gathered my stiff legs underneath my body and stood. I glanced at Michael, who had stopped his polishing and was watching me.
“Good morning, Lady Alexandra,” he said.
“Good morning, Michael.” I felt myself blush as I realized what a state I must be in. “Where is Sir Branford?”
“On the practice field, Lady Alexandra,” he stated. “I was to stay here with you until you awoke and then escort you back to the castle.”
“I will go to see him first,” I informed the page. “Then you may take me back.”
Michael hesitated, and he had my sympathy. Though it was not his decision to make, I was going against his instructions from Branford, and he would hear of it later. Normally I would not put him in a position to feel Branford’s wrath, but I was not going back until I knew my husband was all right.
I headed out the door without another word and heard Michael stand to follow me. It did not take long to find my husband, for the clamoring of sword on sword could be heard across the field. He was there with a half-dozen of his men, offering instruction and practice. Though I was sure he must have seen me, he did not come over to the fence as he usually did to greet me. After determining he was not going to do so, and he was obviously all right for the moment, I turned to head back to the castle with Michael following.
I returned to our rooms to find breakfast there, but I did not feel much like eating. The meal was eventually taken away untouched. I washed and changed into a clean dress with Janet’s help, then dismissed her immediately. I sat near the fire with Amarra at my side, stroking her soft fur as I watched the logs burn down and tried to keep my mind from straying to any unsavory thoughts.
Sometime near midday, I heard a knock at our door.
“Queen Sunniva asked me to bring these to you,” Hadley said softly. She handed me some sewing I had left in the Women’s Room some time ago.
“Come inside, Hadley,” I said with a wry grin. “I am quite sure our queen just wants to make sure we speak with each other today. She believes she is stealthy in her dealings, but I have learned her methods.”
I laughed slightly, but there was no joy in the sound. Hadley only smiled, and I gestured for her to sit on the couch in the morning room. My morning tea was still steeped in the pot, so I heated it to share with her. Once we were settled with our cups, I looked at her face.
Her cheeks were splotchy red and her eyes swollen.
“Hadley?” I reached out and touched her arm. She looked at me and took a deep breath before speaking.
“I am all right, my lady,” she said quietly.
“None of that in here,” I told her for the tenth time.
“I’m sorry, Alexandra.” She smiled a tight-lipped smile.
“Are you truly well?” I asked.
She nodded as she stared at her teacup. I huffed through my nose, immediately feeling anger in my breast that my only childhood friend was now apparently unable to speak with me. Is this Edgar’s objective, his real motive? To harm us from the inside?
“Hadley, please,” I said. “I know this is…most strange, but we are still the same two people, are we not?”
“We are,” she said.
“My position has not changed, correct?”
“Correct.”
“However, yours has,” I said, refusing to let the tension in the room continue without being named. “You are now a part of my family in a very different way than either of us ever expected. It is…awkward, but we will not let it come between us.”
Hadley looked up at me with trepidation.
“We will not,” I repeated.
“Of course not, Alexandra,” she said. She took another breath, squared her shoulders, and turned to me more fully. “You are right, of course. This changes nothing between us.”
“It changes much,” I said, for this was not going to be about denying what was happening. “It just does not mean we are no longer friends or that we cannot speak of it or any other topic we choose.”
Hadley smiled and nodded. I reached over and took her hand.
“Tell me, Hadley,” I said softly. “Tell me what happened last night. Branford would not speak of it.”
Hadley’s eyes went wide as I tried to keep my expression calm and unassuming. I did not wish to do anything that would keep her from telling me an honest account. I was not sure if I was altogether successful since Hadley’s expression remained doubtful.
Looking away from her, I closed my eyes and tried to force my own fears out of my mind. I did not really want to know, but not knowing was driving my mind in circles.
“Do you really wish to know these things?” she asked with tension in her voice.
“I do,” I told her, and
the look in her eyes reflected my own look of disbelief. As much as I wanted to ignore it all for my own sake, knowledge would put me at ease. “Branford refused to tell me, but I still need to know.”
Hadley seemed to understand, and we both took deep breaths before she looked toward the window and began speaking.
“Queen Sunniva prepared me,” Hadley said. “She dressed me in strange clothing—like nothing I had ever seen on a woman or a man. It covered all of me, save…one small area. Even my face was draped with a sheer mask.”
I nodded.
“She also…put something on me,” Hadley said, and I saw the pink tinge in her cheek as her voice dropped lower. “In me, really. It was slippery, but I don’t know what it was. She told me to turn my head to the side and think of my duty to you, to Sir Branford, and to Silverhelm, and then she left.”
“And Branford then came to you?” I asked. I did not want to prolong the conversation that had my stomach tied in knots.
“Yes,” she said with a nod. Hadley lowered her eyes to the ground and took a deep breath. I was sure she knew what I both wanted and did not want to hear.
“Go on,” I said, encouraging her, but I could not stop the thickening of my voice. I swallowed hard and took Hadley’s hand. I tried not to let the cold feeling of dread creep its way up my arms.
“He could not…do anything,” she said quietly, “at first. He was…angry…and he frightened me. He left and then came back again, and he was calmer. I know I was not supposed to look at him, but it had been some time, and he had not touched me…”
Hadley glanced to my face.
“He was…touching himself with his eyes closed.” She shifted her body slightly on the couch and took a deep breath. “He did not approach until the last possible moment, and then he was very quickly done.”
I tried my best not to conjure up the images of my husband standing in the room across the castle, his long fingers wrapped around himself as he prepared to…
I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts and tried to think more logically. I was asking these questions of Hadley to make sure she was all right, not to fulfill my own morbid curiosity, and part of her description was upsetting.
“He was harsh,” I said quietly.
“He was not harsh,” Hadley said softly. “I did not feel those pleasures you have described to me, but he was not rough. It did not hurt but for a moment.”
I nodded, and my emotions were torn. I was glad Branford had not hurt her unduly, but I was also glad he had not given her release. At the same time, I was sad for Hadley that she did not know the pleasure a man could bring to her.
I felt Hadley’s hand on my arm.
“He never touched me with his hands,” she said, and I could only assume she meant it to be reassuring when I had been hoping to be the one to reassure her. How ironic. I wondered if there was an objective observer who could determine which of us was most in need of comfort, but it occurred to me that it might not be either of us.
“Once there is a boy child,” I told her, “we shall make sure to find you a proper husband.”
I reached over to take her hand in mine, and Hadley tried to smile at me.
“If you see one of the unmarried soldiers, and you fancy him, you will let me know?”
Hadley’s cheeks reddened a little.
“You have already seen one you like?” I guessed.
She shrugged slightly, and the bright color came back into her cheeks.
“I do not actually know him,” she said, “but when he was practicing with Sir Branford, I thought him most pleasing to look upon. I do not even know his name or station.”
“When did you see him?”
“When Sir Branford was on the practice field with his soldiers this morning,” Hadley replied. “Samantha led me through the marketplace, and she pointed them out. The one that caught my eye wore a breastplate with a cross on the front of it. We only watched them for a moment.”
“That would have been Sir Brigham.”
“Sir Brigham,” she repeated softly. “He must be a true knight then, so I am sure there would be others better suited…”
“Hadley,” I interrupted, “was your status as a concubine not explained to you?”
“My lady?” she said softly, her eyes widening a little.
“Hadley, your service to Silverhelm does not go unrecognized,” I told her. “When your duty has been fulfilled, you would be quite suited for a knight.”
Hadley seemed to mull this over for a while.
“That could be some time,” she finally said. “Children take time to bear, and if the first child is not a boy, I would need to bear another one.”
I agreed, for there was no denying it. It could be many years before Hadley was available for marriage.
“He would be wed to another in that time,” she said quietly.
“Possibly,” I said, “but he is young and not looking for marriage now. He may very well wait for a woman of your station.”
“Is my station truly so great now?” Hadley asked. “A knight waiting for me does not seem possible.”
“A prince taking my hand in marriage did not seem possible either,” I said. “It is a strange thing how stations I always believed to be enduring can change.”
“I suppose we should consider ourselves favored,” Hadley said.
As I thought upon her words, I felt my mouth turn up in a wry smile. There were probably many who would consider us lucky to have been elevated from our previous stations. When I had been a mere handmaid, I believed the lives of the nobles to be a simple thing, especially the royals. They rarely had to lift a finger, and everything was brought to them when they asked for it. Now I knew better though I would trade none of it. To desert my station would mean to not have my Branford, and being his was worth the difficulties that came with being his wife. Still, I did not think the word favored fit us.
“I am not so sure about that,” I responded.
And that is when I realized being of royalty would never guarantee an ease of life.
Chapter 3—Moderately Mollify
Branford did not come to our rooms that night, but I learned from Dunstan that he did not return to Hadley either. It wasn’t until morning when I found him again. He was in the practice fields with his men and eventually acknowledged me when I went around the fence and right up to him. He dismissed me almost as soon as I arrived and did not return to our rooms until late that night, either. I tried not to think much of it, for there were times when he needed to be on his own and work his thoughts out in solitude, and I was not surprised this was one of those times.
The next day, a baby girl blessed the Sawyer family. Ida and Parnell named her Emma, and I accompanied Sunniva on a journey to meet the new child as Branford stayed behind to look after Camden. The king’s health had taken a turn for the worse, and he was not fit to travel. He would wait and meet his grandchild in a fortnight when she would be brought to Silverhelm.
If the king lived that long.
The child was beautiful with bright blue eyes to match her father’s. Though I could not help but feel the pang in my stomach and longing in my heart for a child of my own—a child of Branford’s—I also could not stop myself from smiling at the joy in Ida’s face as she held her daughter to her breast. Parnell stood quietly behind them both with his hand resting upon his wife’s shoulder and a look of awe in his eye.
We were gone for only a handful of days, but when we returned to Silverhelm, Branford immediately announced he had to journey north and took his leave of us. When I asked him about it, he shook his head at me and refused to give me any details. He was already prepared to go.
He did not even wait until morning to leave.
When he returned, his mood was most foul, and he immediately began barking at servants left and right in ways he had not in quite some time. When I tried to speak with him about it, he snapped at me as well before storming out of our rooms.
Again, he did not ret
urn in the night, and Dunstan informed me he was with the men on the practice field so late, he had decided to sleep in the barracks.
Even as winter deepened and came at us with biting winds, Branford began to spend his days fighting in the practice fields and teaching some of the younger men who would replace our lost soldiers and guards. He would stay there until it was quite late, often sleeping in the barracks and only returning to our rooms when he knew I should be sleeping. As the days passed, his beard grew, but when I offered to shave him, he said he did not have the time and suggested we do it another day.
As I tried to respect his wishes, I felt my body grow as cold as the look in his eyes when he gazed upon me. I no longer saw the passion he had so readily displayed or the desire for me that had so often consumed him.
He had not held me since the night we spent in the kennels.
I tried to convince myself that this was understandable—he detested what he was forced to do and knew I wanted to be the one to bear his child—but to be left sitting in our rooms alone at night weighed heavily upon me.
I felt more a failure as his wife now than I had the first week of our marriage.
It was not just my apparent inability to give him what he needed most, but he had avoided my company so completely that I had not even the opportunity to do those simple things I had done for him every day. He took his meals elsewhere when he ate at all, and his hair and his beard both grew longer than they had been since our marriage. He no longer asked me to read to him, as had been our habit since I had first learned the letters, and he no longer lay his fingers at the top of my head to stroke my hair.
He was certainly not spending his nights with me. Indeed, as the time passed, he barely spoke to me at all. Times when we were to appear together, he would smile at the other court members, take my hand on the dance floor, and sit with me through official dinners, but as soon as he was able, he would take his leave.
I tried to give him the space he seemed to require, hoping that as soon as Hadley was with child, he would stop berating himself and come back to me. I went to our bed alone at night, waited for him for some time, and then would end up falling asleep alone. If he was there when I woke, he would leave before breakfast was brought to us and even before I could heat water for his tea.