“I know that you did not,” I say. “I am sure you were sorely tempted.”
“You were away for so long…”
“I know.”
A dreadful silence falls. I had thought that he would lie to me and I would track him down and then confront him with his lies and with his adultery and I would be a warrior queen in my righteous anger. But this is sadness and a taste of defeat. If Henry cannot remain faithful when I am in confinement with our child, our dearly needed child, then how shall he be faithful till death? How shall he obey his vow to forsake all others when he can be distracted so easily? What am I to do, what can any woman do, when her husband is such a fool as to desire a woman for a moment, rather than the woman he is pledged to for eternity?
“Dear husband, this is very wrong,” I say sadly.
“It was because I had such doubts. I thought for a moment that we were not married,” he confesses.
“You forgot we were married?” I ask incredulously.
“No!” His head comes up, his blue eyes are filled with unshed tears. His face shines with contrition. “I thought that since our marriage was not valid, I need not abide by it.”
I am quite amazed by him. “Our marriage? Why would it not be valid?”
He shakes his head. He is too ashamed to speak. I press him. “Why not?”
He kneels beside my bed and hides his face in the sheets. “I liked her and I desired her and she said some things which made me feel…”
“Feel what?”
“Made me think…”
“Think what?”
“What if you were not a virgin when I married you?”
At once I am alert, like a villain near the scene of a crime, like a murderer when the corpse bleeds at the sight of him. “What do you mean?”
“She was a virgin…”
“Anne?”
“Yes. Sir George is impotent. Everyone knows that.”
“Do they?”
“Yes. So she was a virgin. And she was not…” He rubs his face against the sheet of our bed. “She was not like you. She…” He stumbles for words. “She cried out in pain. She bled, I was afraid when I saw how much blood, really a lot…” He breaks off again. “She could not go on, the first time. I had to stop. She cried, I held her. She was a virgin. That is what it is like to lie with a virgin, the first time. I was her first love. I could tell. Her first love.”
There is a long, cold silence.
“She fooled you,” I say cruelly, throwing away her reputation, and his tenderness for her, with one sweep, making her a whore and him a fool, for the greater good.
He looks up, shocked. “She did?”
“She was not that badly hurt, she was pretending.” I shake my head at the sinfulness of young women. “It is an old trick. She will have had a bladder of blood in her hand and broke it to give you a show of blood. She will have cried out. I expect she whimpered and said she could not bear the pain from the very beginning.”
Henry is amazed. “She did.”
“She thought to make you feel sorry for her.”
“But I was!”
“Of course. She thought to make you feel that you had taken her virginity, her maidenhead, and that you owe her your protection.”
“That is what she said!”
“She tried to entrap you,” I say. “She was not a virgin, she was acting the part of one. I was a virgin when I came to your bed and the first night that we were lovers was very simple and sweet. Do you remember?”
“Yes,” he says.
“There was no crying and wailing like players on a stage. It was quiet and loving. Take that as your benchmark,” I say. “I was a true virgin. You and I were each other’s first love. We had no need for playacting and exaggeration. Hold to that truth of our love, Henry. You have been fooled by a counterfeit.”
“She said…” he begins.
“She said what?” I am not afraid. I am filled with utter determination that Anne Stafford will not put asunder what God and my mother have joined together.
“She said that you must have been Arthur’s lover.” He stumbles before the white fierceness of my face. “That you had lain with him, and that—”
“Not true.”
“I didn’t know.”
“It is not true.”
“Oh, yes.”
“My marriage with Arthur was not consummated. I came to you a virgin. You were my first love. Does anyone dare say different to me?”
“No,” he says rapidly. “No. No one shall say different to you.”
“Nor to you.”
“Nor to me.”
“Would anyone dare to say to my face that I am not your first love, a virgin untouched, your true wedded wife, and Queen of England?”
“No,” he says again.
“Not even you.”
“No.”
“It is to dishonor me,” I say furiously. “And where will scandal stop? Shall they suggest that you have no claim to the throne because your mother was no virgin on her wedding day?”
He is stunned with shock. “My mother? What of my mother?”
“They say that she lay with her uncle, Richard the usurper,” I say flatly. “Think of that! And they say that she lay with your father before they were married, before they were even betrothed. They say that she was far from a virgin on her wedding day when she wore her hair loose and went in white. They say she was dishonored twice over, little more than a harlot for the throne. Do we allow people to say such things of a queen? Are you to be disinherited by such gossip? Am I? Is our son?”
Henry is gasping with shock. He loved his mother and he had never thought of her as a sexual being before. “She would never have…she was a most…how can…”
“You see? This is what happens if we allow people to gossip about their betters.” I lay down the law which will protect me. “If you allow someone to dishonor me, there is no stopping the scandal. It insults me, but it threatens you. Who knows where scandal will stop once it takes hold? Scandal against the queen rocks the throne itself. Be warned, Henry.”
“She said it!” he exclaims. “Anne said that it was no sin for me to lie with her because I was not truly married!”
“She lied to you,” I say. “She pretended to her virgin state and she traduced me.”
His face flushes red with anger. It is a relief to him to turn to rage. “What a whore!” he exclaims crudely. “What a whore to trick me into thinking…what a jade’s trick!”
“You cannot trust young women,” I say quietly. “Now that you are King of England you will have to be on your guard, my love. They will run after you and they will try to charm you and seduce you, but you have to be faithful to me. I was your virgin bride, I was your first love. I am your wife. Do not forsake me.”
He takes me into his arms. “Forgive me,” he whispers brokenly.
“We will never, ever speak of this again,” I say solemnly. “I will not have it, and I will not allow anyone to dishonor either me or your mother.”
“No,” he says fervently. “Before God. We will never speak of this nor allow any other to speak of it again.”
Next morning Henry and Katherine rose up together and went quietly to Mass in the king’s chapel. Katherine met with her confessor and kneeled to confess her sins. She did not take very long, Henry observed, she must have no great sins to confess. It made him feel even worse to see her go to her priest for a brief confession and come away with her face so serene. He knew that she was a woman of holy purity, just like his mother. Penitently, his face in his hands, he thought that not only had Katherine never been unfaithful to her given word, she had probably never even told a lie in her life.
I go out with the court to hunt dressed in a red velvet gown, determined to show that I am well, that I am returned to the court, that everything will be as it was before. We have a long, hard run after a fine stag who takes a looping route around the great park and the hounds bring him down in the stream and Henry himself goes in
to the water, laughing, to cut his throat. The stream blooms red around him and stains his clothes and his hands. I laugh with the court but the sight of the blood makes me feel sick to my very belly.
We ride home slowly. I keep my face locked in a smile to hide my weariness and the pain in my thighs, in my belly, in my back. Lady Margaret brings her horse beside mine and glances at me. “You had better rest this afternoon.”
“I cannot,” I say shortly.
She does not need to ask why. She has been a princess; she knows that a queen has to be on show, whatever her own feelings. “I have the story, if you want to trouble yourself to hear such a thing.”
“You are a good friend,” I say. “Tell me briefly. I think I know the worst that it can be already.”
“After we had gone in for your confinement the king and the young men started to go into the City in the evenings.”
“With guards?”
“No, alone and disguised.”
I stifle a sigh. “Did no one try to stop him?”
“The Earl of Surrey, God bless him. But his own sons were of the party and it was lighthearted fun, and you know that the king will not be denied his pastimes.”
I nod.
“One evening they came into court in their disguises and pretended to be London merchants. The ladies danced with them; it was all very amusing. I was not there that evening, I was with you in confinement; someone told me about it the next day. I took no notice. But apparently one of the merchants singled out Lady Anne and danced with her all night.”
“Henry,” I say, and I can hear the bitterness in my own whisper.
“Yes, but everyone thought it was William Compton. They are about the same height, and they were all wearing false beards and hats. You know how they do.”
“Yes,” I say. “I know how they do.”
“Apparently they made an assignation and when the Duke thought that his sister was sitting with you in the evenings she was slipping away and meeting the king. When she went missing all night, it was too much for her sister. Elizabeth went to her brother and warned him of what Anne was doing. They told her husband and all of them confronted Anne and demanded to know who she was seeing, and she said it was Compton. But when she was missing, and they thought she was with her lover, they met Compton. So then they knew, it was not Compton, it was the king.”
I shake my head.
“I am sorry, my dear,” Lady Margaret says to me gently. “He is a young man. I am sure it is no more than vanity and thoughtlessness.”
I nod and say nothing. I check my horse, who is tossing his head against my hands, which are too heavy on the reins. I am thinking of Anne crying out in pain as her hymen was broken.
“And is her husband, Sir George, unmanned?” I ask. “Was she a virgin until now?”
“So they say,” Lady Margaret replies drily. “Who knows what goes on in a bedroom?”
“I think we know what goes on in the king’s bedroom,” I say bitterly. “They have hardly been discreet.”
“It is the way of the world,” she says quietly. “When you are confined it is only natural that he will take a lover.”
I nod again. This is nothing but the truth. What is surprising to me is that I should feel such hurt.
“The duke must have been much aggrieved,” I say, thinking of the dignity of the man and how it was he who put the Tudors on the throne in the first place.
“Yes,” she says. She hesitates. Something about her voice warns me that there is something she is not sure if she should say.
“What is it, Margaret?” I ask. “I know you well enough to know that there is something more.”
“It is something that Elizabeth said to one of the girls before she left,” she says.
“Oh?”
“Elizabeth says that her sister did not think it was a light love affair that would last while you were in confinement and then be forgotten.”
“What else could it be?”
“She thought that her sister had ambitions.”
“Ambitions for what?”
“She thought that she might take the king’s fancy and hold him.”
“For a season,” I say disparagingly.
“No, for longer,” she says. “He spoke of love. He is a romantic young man. He spoke of being hers till death.” She sees the look on my face and breaks off. “Forgive me, I should have said none of this.”
I think of Anne Stafford crying out in pain and telling him that she was a virgin, a true virgin, in too much pain to go on. That he was her first love, her only love. I know how much he would like that.
I check my horse again, he frets against the bit. “What do you mean she was ambitious?”
“I think she thought that given her family position, and the liking that was between her and the king, that she could become the great mistress of the English court.”
I blink. “And what about me?”
“I think she thought that, in time, he might turn from you to her. I think she hoped to supplant you in his love.”
I nod. “And if I died bearing his child, I suppose she thought she would have her empty marriage annulled and marry him?”
“That would be the very cusp of her ambition,” Lady Margaret says. “And stranger things have happened. Elizabeth Woodville got to the throne of England on looks alone.”
“Anne Stafford was my lady-in-waiting,” I say. “I chose her for the honor over many others. What about her duty to me? What about her friendship with me? Did she never think of me? If she had served me in Spain, we would have lived night and day together…” I break off. There is no way to explain the safety and affection of the harem to a woman who has always lived her life alert to the gaze of men.
Lady Margaret shakes her head. “Women are always rivals,” she says simply. “But until now everyone has thought that the king only had eyes for you. Now everyone knows different. There is not a pretty girl in the land who does not now think that the crown is for taking.”
“It is still my crown,” I point out.
“But girls will hope for it,” she says. “It is the way of the world.”
“They will have to wait for my death,” I say bleakly. “That could be a long wait even for the most ambitious girl.”
Lady Margaret nods. I indicate behind me and she looks back. The ladies-in-waiting are scattered among the huntsmen and courtiers, riding and laughing and flirting. Henry has Princess Mary on one side of him and one of her ladies-in-waiting on another. She is a new girl to court, young and pretty. A virgin, without doubt, another pretty virgin.
“And which of these will be next?” I ask bitterly. “When I next go in for my confinement and cannot watch them like a fierce hawk? Will it be a Percy girl? Or a Seymour? Or a Howard? Or a Neville? Which girl will step up to the king next and try to charm her way into his bed and into my place?”
“Some of your ladies love you dearly,” she says.
“And some of them will use their position at my side to get close to the king,” I say. “Now they have seen it done, they will be waiting for their chance. They will know that the easiest route to the king is to come into my rooms, to pretend to be my friend, to offer me service. First she will pretend friendship and loyalty to me and all the time she will watch for her chance. I can know that one will do it, but I cannot know which one she is.”
Lady Margaret leans forwards and strokes her horse’s neck, her face grave. “Yes,” she agrees.
“And one of them, one of the many, will be clever enough to turn the king’s head,” I say bitterly. “He is young and vain and easily misled. Sooner or later, one of them will turn him against me and want my place.”
Lady Margaret straightens up and looks directly at me, her gray eyes as honest as ever. “This may all be true, but I think you can do nothing to prevent it.”
“I know,” I say grimly.
“I have good news for you,” Katherine said to Henry. They had thrown open the windows of her bedroom to let i
n the cooler night air. It was a warm night in late May and for once, Henry had chosen to come to bed early.
“Tell me some good news,” he said. “My horse went lame today, and I cannot ride him tomorrow. I would welcome some good news.”
“I think I am with child.”
He bounced up in the bed. “You are?”
“I think so,” she said, smiling.
“Praise God! You are?”
“I am certain of it.”
“God be praised. I shall go to Walsingham the minute you give birth to our son. I shall go on my knees to Walsingham! I shall crawl along the road! I shall wear a suit of pure white. I shall give Our Lady pearls.”
“Our Lady has been gracious to us indeed.”
“And how potent they will all know that I am now! Out of confinement in the first week of May and pregnant by the end of the month. That will show them! That will prove that I am a husband indeed.”
“Indeed it will,” she said levelly.
“It is not too early to be sure?”
“I have missed my course, and I am sick in the morning. They tell me it is a certain sign.”
“And you are certain?” He had no tact to phrase his anxiety in gentle words. “You are certain this time? You know that there can be no mistake?”
She nodded. “I am certain. I have all the signs.”
“God be praised. I knew it would come. I knew that a marriage made in heaven would be blessed.”
Katherine nodded. Smiling.
“We shall go slowly on our progress, you shall not hunt. We shall go by boat for some of the way, barges.”
“I think I will not travel at all, if you will allow it,” she said. “I want to stay quietly in one place this summer, I don’t even want to ride in a litter.”
“Well, I shall go on progress with the court and then come home to you,” he said. “And what a celebration we shall have when our baby is born. When will it be?”
“After Christmas,” Katherine said. “In the New Year.”
WINTER 1510
I should have been a soothsayer, I have proved to be so accurate with my prediction, even without a Moorish abacus. We are holding the Christmas feast at Richmond and the court is joyful in my happiness. The baby is big in my belly, and he kicks so hard that Henry can put his hand on me and feel the little heel thud out against his hand. There is no doubt that he is alive and strong, and his vitality brings joy to the whole court. When I sit in council, I sometimes wince at the strange sensation of him moving inside me, the pressure of his body against my own, and some of the old councilors laugh—having seen their own wives in the same state—for joy that there is to be an heir for England and Spain at last.