I lift my nose. “Nothing. I’m providing all of you with an experience, and some education. You’ll thank me for your skills later.”
“Have I ever thanked you?”
“That’s beside the point.”
“Also,” she sniffs, then looks at her drink. “No one says skilzzzz anymore.”
“Whatever.”
I slide as elegantly as I can off my bar stool, which is hard because I’ve had a lot of tequila shots, and I cross the room to meet the instructor.
What I don’t expect is that the instructor is Colby Harris, Alex’s son.
Alli’s fiancée Alex’s son.
The son Alli had a fling with back when she was paying him to “escort” her.
Oh, Jesus.
I stop in my tracks.
He stops in his.
His blue eyes widen, then narrow, and then he closes the space between us in a few steps.
“You’re the Sara organizing this bachelorette party? Oh God. Don’t tell me the bride is…”
“Colby?” Alli’s voice rings out through the melee and she’s shocked.
I’m shocked.
Colby is shocked.
We’re all shocked.
“I thought you were in China,” Alli stutters when she reaches us. He nods.
“I was. I mean, I am. But I started feeling guilty, and I couldn’t miss my dad’s wedding. Your wedding. I’m not in town long, just a few days.”
There’s an awkward pause, and God, this is uncomfortable.
Alli and Colby stare at each other, frozen.
Their hands have been all over each other’s bodies and Alex never knew it. They weren’t cheating of course, because Alex and Alli weren’t together yet. But when Alli found out that Colby was Alex’s son, she never mentioned that little tidbit to Alex.
“Why are you here, though?” Alli asks, gesturing around the wild bachelorette party, and Back that Ass Up blares around us while a shrieking woman gets tossed off the bull penis.
“Errr. Club Utopia told me that whenever I was in town, if I wanted a gig, to let them know,” Colby answers and he’s sheepish now. “It’s good money, and I was bored, so…. I took this workshop tonight. I didn’t know it was you, I swear.”
He’s telling the truth. I can see it on his young beautiful face.
“What exactly is this workshop?” Alli asks hesitantly.
Colby smiles.
“How to give a great blowjob.”
Alli goes completely pale and turns to me slowly, slowly, slowly, and vein pops out in her forehead.
“Let me get this straight. You hired a workshop instructor to come teach us how to suck dicks, and the instructor is the son of my fiancée, whom I used to have an intimate relationship with?”
I’m hesitant to answer because it seems like nothing I say will be right.
“Well,” I attempt. “When you put it that way, it seems seedy.”
She growls and I try to backpedal.
“But I didn’t know it was going to be Colby,” I stammer.
She growls again, and God, she sounds like a rabid werewolf.
“Did you call Utopia to schedule it?” she demands.
I nod.
“Did you remember that Utopia is the club where Colby worked?”
I nod, hesitantly.
She growls again, low in her throat and I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that something is rabid. I take a step back.
“Alli, I didn’t know that he still works there sometimes. He’s got a successful corporate job, and…” I break off and turn to him. “Why do you work at Utopia? You’ve got a successful corporate job.”
He grins, and his dimples show and his dark hair curls around his shoulders. “I dunno. I guess I get bored.”
I can’t fault him for that. I get bored too.
“Well then, now that we’ve got that all straightened out, can I start the workshop?” His dimples show again and I’m pretty sure I’d do anything he asked.
I nod. “Yes.”
“Good,” his dimples say. “I’ll go get the supplies. Be right back!”
I watch him go, and Alli shakes her head.
“I swear to God. The things you get me into. If Alex finds out about this…”
“He won’t! And if he does, you can blame it on me. He’s used to me. He knows me.”
“I’m gonna need more alcohol for this,” Alli sighs, walking back to the bar. I have to say, I agree.
There’s not enough alcohol in the world to prepare us for this debacle.
But! When life throws you debacles, make drinks from them. That’s what I always say. Then put some whipped cream on that bitch and top it with a cherry.
I strut to the u-shaped formation of tables set up for our ‘workshop’.
“Learning to suck penis is not a workshop,” Alli hisses at me around her straw. She’s sucking her Hurricane like it’s going out of style, like it’s the last dick in a sea of vaginas.
“Yes, it is,” I respectfully argue. “If it weren’t, we couldn’t be here.”
“We’re here because of you,” she politely points out, and I suddenly remember the penis straws.
“I have penis straws!” I announce, and I scramble for the bags I had sent here earlier. Digging around, I come up with a box filled with rubber penis-topped straws. I stick one in Alli’s drink.
“For your sucking pleasure.”
She eyes it. “I think I’ll be doing quite enough sucking tonight, thank you.”
But she keeps the straw. And she uses the straw, leaving red lipstick rings on the penis top. I grin, and hand Meghan the box.
“Can you distribute these and let everyone know to come find a seat?”
She nods and she and her ass disappear into the crowd.
“Stop staring at her ass, you perv,” Alli tells me. “It’s an ass. Everybody has one.”
“How many squats do you think she does to keep it that way?” I ask thoughtfully, staring as her tight buns dip and move through the women. “It doesn’t jiggle at all.”
“Probably a million. Plus she’s twenty-five.”
“Age is just a number,” I remind Alli. But then, in light of the Colby situation, I decide I’d better drop that. I stick a penis straw in my mouth and suck it. Unfortunately, that just serves to remind Alli of our circumstances.
“How many are here?” Alli sighs. “How many women will I be sucking penis with?”
“The last count was twenty,” I reply. “I think it’s a good turn-out, don’t you?”
She doesn’t grace that with an answer.
Colby chooses this exact moment to return with a cooler and a bag. His muscles gleam beneath his black t-shirt sleeves as he sets his load down.
“You’d better not flex,” I tell him helpfully. “Or your sleeves might fall off.”
He grins. “Thank you.”
“It was a fact, not a compliment,” I reply. He shrugs.
“Either way, thank you.”
“Would you like a penis straw?” I offer, because I’m nothing if not a good hostess.
He laughs. “Nah. I gave those up years ago.”
I titter and Colby unloads his ice chest. He loads up his arms with chilled cucumbers peeled and cut to look like penises. On the bottom of each, there are two small water balloons fastened with rubber bands.
“Can you give a dick to everyone?” Colby asks me, laying them all down in front of me.
I can’t help but stare at my mountain of penis with glee. I’ve never seen so many, fake or otherwise, in one place. It makes my lady bits tingle.
The women stream over to our table and choose seats. Colby stands in the center, confident, strong and sexy. And young. He’s so firm and hard and cut. I glance at Alli. Does she miss that??
She’s looking at him like she’d look at anyone else… a waiter, a librarian, a car wash attendant. She’s clearly trying very hard to be normal. Kudos to her. I don’t think I could do it.
I would
tell her, but she’d just growl at me again.
“There is a penis at every chair. Sit down and order a drink from Meghan, and get comfortable.”
Meghan smirks, happy to be needed by Colby. Hell, anyone in the room would be happy to be needed by Colby.
As the women order their drinks, Colby begins.
“Ok, ladies. I’m sure many of you have given a blowjob before. It’s sort of an instinctive thing, but on the other hand, you’d be surprised at how many women think they don’t know how to do it. We’re going to teach you how to give perfect fellatio today.”
He holds up a cucumber. It sort of glistens in the dim light, just like a wet penis.
“Base, shaft, tip,” he points at the three sections on the vegetable. “When beginning, you will focus on the base to warm it up. Make him ready for what is to come.”
“Does yours have a name?” one woman blurts, someone from Alli’s old job. She flushes as she asks, and she gulps at her drink.
Colby grins ornerily. “Yes. Titan. For… reasons.”
I glance at Alli, my eyebrows up. She nods ever so slightly in confirmation. Yep. The name must be fitting. Lucky bitch. She smirks just a little, because she knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“Now, when I say start at the base,” Colby explains, circling his cucumber base. “I mean, warm it up. Stroke it a little, with light pressure. Lick it. Suck it ever so slightly, around the base. Like kisses, but with suction. Practice.”
Around me, women start fondling their vegetables.
I personally look at Colby.
“I think someone should demonstrate on you,” I suggest. “I volunteer.”
Alli elbows me sharply in the side, and Colby laughs. “I don’t think that’s necessary,” he answers good-naturedly. “But thank you for being willing to sacrifice for the team.”
“You can’t blame a girl for trying,” I mutter, picking up my cucumber. I mess with it for a minute, but this is all basic stuff. Everyone knows this.
“What do we do next?” I ask.
Colby turns to the group. “Now. Work from the base up to the tip, slowly. Slowly. Suck around the girth, kiss, suck, kiss, suck. Light suction. Use your hands on the boys. Again, lightly. If the water in the balloons bulges anywhere, you’re squeezing too hard. They’re fragile. But they have so many pleasure receptors. Use that.”
He walks around the circle, correcting or commending the women as they practice.
“Now, put it in your mouth, and slide it, base to tip, base to tip,” he instructs. “Use varying degrees of suction. If you are working the boys, then use lighter suction. You want to avoid too much sensation at all costs. That’s the number one mistake women make. Don’t yank on it or suck too hard. You have to work up to more pressure.”
He steps around, guiding one woman’ hand, and then complimenting another.
He stops at Alli, and moves her hand. “Very good, Alli Cat,” he murmurs. They make eye contact, and for a scant second, Alli flushes.
“Act like you’re hungry for it,” he suggests to the group. “No matter how much you hate sucking penis, act like it’s the only thing you want to do in that moment. Act like you’ll die if you can’t suck your man’s dick. Moan a little. Practice, girls.”
A lot of moaning commences, and women vigorously fondle their long cucumbers.
This isn’t weird at all. I snort.
“Now, use your hand on the base of the penis,” Colby directs. “As you graduate to this, lighten your suction with your mouth. It’s all a balancing act. Stroke the base with your hand, lightly suck the shaft, from base to tip, base to tip. Now, and only now, can you circle the tip with your tongue from time to time. The head of the penis is very sensitive, so don’t over-use this maneuver.”
He watches for a few more minutes.
“Now, your man should be squirming in his seat. Increase the rate of back and forth action, and suction, just a bit. Faster faster faster. Now, any minute, he’ll cum in your mouth. Get into it girls. Pretend that you’re desperate to taste him, that you’re starving and only he can feed you. That’s right.”
He circles the table. “He’s going to cum any minute. Spitting or swallowing is a personal preference for you ladies, although I can tell you that the man loves to have you swallow. Pretend it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever had. If you choose to spit, do it discreetly. Don’t make a scene about how disgusting you find it. Make the man believe that he’s the most desirable thing to you in the world, and that you can’t wait to taste him. Trust me, that makes the experience.”
He gives Alli side-eye, and suddenly I feel as though she’s already had this lesson. I mean, she did pay him after all. He taught her how to bring a man to his knees in a minute flat, so I’m sure he showed her how to give a blow-job.
It’s really too bad he’s out of the game. I’d love to hire him.
For reasons.
“So, he’s coming now. If you choose to swallow, keep his penis in your mouth until it stops pulsing. Suck every last drop out, lightly, and then swallow it. After he cums, don’t keep sucking, and in fact, release his penis from your mouth. Make a point of telling him that he’s delicious.”
“You’re delicious,” another woman calls to Colby. He grins and his dimples show.
“After he comes, his penis will be sensitive, so don’t keep sucking,” he reminds us. He stops in the middle.
“That is how to give the perfect blowjob. You may keep your cucumber and slice it up for your eyes tomorrow if you’d like. I’m guessing it’s going to be a late night tonight. Any questions?”
A slew of hands shoot into the air. “Can we practice on you?” someone asks.
Colby grins. “I think you did a great job on your cucumber. You should be all set now.”
Most of the hands go down. They all had the same questions. Hookers.
I can’t blame them, though. Colby’s got a bulge in his pants that any man on earth would envy. He’d give the cucumber a run for its money, I wager.
“Ok, ladies. Your lesson is over. Have fun tonight, and remember your lesson when you get home to your man!”
He stands in front of me. “Well, boss? Was that to your satisfaction?”
I stare at his bulge. “Uh. Well, a couple points were lost on me. Do you mind showing me again--- using yourself as a model? I learn better by doing.”
He rolls his eyes and chuckles.
“I just had to try one more time,” I defend myself. “In answer to your question, yes. It was to my satisfaction. Great job. Great blow jobs.”
“You ladies need another drink?” Colby glances at our cups. “Your glasses are empty. Alli, you’re the bride. You can’t have an empty glass.”
He strides across the room to the bar and I watch him go.
“God, he looks good going,” I tell Alli.
She nods because she’s not blind. “Yeah. But after tomorrow, he’ll be my step-son.”
“Gross.”
“Yeah,” she agrees.
But we both still watch him cross the room. Because his ass rivals that of Meghan.
Who speaking of, saunters up to him at the bar, giving his hip a nudge with her own.
“She did that on purpose,” I hiss.
“Of course she did,” Alli agrees “They’re the same age, Sara.”
“Age is just a number,” I snarl.
“Hey. You’re gorgeous and accomplished and you have the skin of a twenty-five year old,” my best friend reminds me. “You don’t need to compete with anyone. You’re in a league of your own.”
I nod because she’s right. I am gorgeous and accomplished and have the skin of a twenty-five year old.
“Don’t you forget it,” I tell her. She smiles.
“You’d never let me.”
God, she knows me.
Twelve
Lord have Mercy
“We’re doing shots, girls,” Colby slams down a platter, yes, a platter, of tequila shots. He’s even got l
imes and salt in the center of a trillion cups.
“Uh, we’ve already done about a hundred of those,” Alli tells him. My head is already spinning a bit, so I close my eyes. As I do, I realize that if I squint, I can barely see Alli’s black eye. I tell her that.
She is unappreciative as she glares.
“Fine,” she grabs a shot and downs it. “Let’s do this. If I’ve got to get married all bruised up, at least I don’t have to be aware of it.”
“That’s the spirit,” Colby praises her, then hands her a salt-shaker. She shakes some on her wrist, but before she can lick it, Colby grabs it and licks it himself. Stunned, I watch him take a shot and then suck a lime.
After he licked his father’s fiancée.
“Um.” Alli stares up at him uncertainly. “No.”
“No?” Colby raises an eyebrow. “No what? No fun the night before your wedding? It was just a shot, Alli-Cat.”
“Don’t call me that,” she warns. “Not anymore.”
He seems surprised, but how can he be? It’s clearly inappropriate, even by my standards, and I have odd standards, if I do say so myself.
“You can lick me,” I offer, holding out my arm.
Colby grins, in what I’m choosing to believe is appreciation.
“Ok, ok. I didn’t mean to offend you, Alli,” he says good-naturedly. “I really didn’t. I’m happy for you, and I want your bachelorette party to be epic. Should I leave? Would that make you feel better?”
Alli pauses. “Um. That wouldn’t be right. I mean, you’re going to be my…step-son.” She pauses again to choke on the word. “So we’re going to be together sometimes.”
Colby nods. “True.”
“But then again, your dad is in the club next door. If he sees you here, he’s going to wonder what the hell is going on. He has no idea about your career at Utopia.”
“And he won’t ever,” Colby assures us smoothly. “Don’t worry about a thing, Alli. This is your night. Let’s do some shots and go on to the next thing, ok?”
Alli nods and I’m relieved. I want the eye candy around all night. Yes, I’m selfish like that.
We do a few more shots, and the room spins more, and the shrieks of the ladies still riding the penis blend together with the lights and the walls. If noise had a color, it would be a blur of them, I decide.