It had not been quartz. Not mica. The glittery shard of light had not come from something in the rock at all, but rather from something on the rock.
That thought came to her as Holly’s relatives took to the pulpit, one by one, to talk about the little girl they’d lost. Janine heard nothing they said. Instead, she pictured the flat rocks, and in her mind, the small, dark crevice in one of them turned into the penknife Lucas had given Sophie; the shard of light was the glint of its blade. The image grew stronger and sharper in her mind as the service continued, and she could barely wait to escape from the chapel to tell Valerie Boykin her theory.
Once they had left the funeral, she used the cell phone in Lucas’s car to call the search manager.
“I think I saw Sophie’s penknife on a rock near a log cabin, about five miles from the road,” she said when she had Valerie on the phone.
Valerie took the information in, wordlessly, and Janine knew the search manager was humoring her. Valerie was about to give up. Janine could hear it in the silence.
“Please,” Janine begged. “Just have someone go out there and check.”
“I know how much you want Sophie to be found alive, Janine,” Valerie finally said. “We all do. But she couldn’t have walked that far. You know that, don’t you? And you’re not even sure of the location of the cabin.”
Janine had pleaded a while longer, then decided her only recourse was to get to the site early in the morning and make her plea in person. Lucas had agreed to go with her, but only reluctantly. He seemed a little distant, and she feared that he, too, was giving up.
They arrived at the trailer early Sunday morning to find it and its tow truck standing alone on the road. There had been no orange cones forming a barricade across the road when they’d turned onto it minutes earlier. There were no sheriff’s cars, no vehicles belonging to the searchers. The only other sign of the activity that had consumed the area during the past week was the blue portable toilet standing next to the embankment.
“Where is everyone?” she asked Lucas as she parked near the trailer.
Lucas didn’t respond, and she feared she knew the answer. They had called off the search. To the rest of the world, Sophie’s short life was now a closed book.
Valerie Boykin looked up from the desk in the trailer when Janine and Lucas stepped inside. Slowly, she got to her feet. Nothing needed to be done quickly, now, Janine thought. The emergency was over, at least in Valerie’s eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” Valerie said.
“Where is everyone?” Janine repeated.
“We’ve decided to call off the search, Janine,” Valerie said with real sympathy in her voice. “I’m so sorry we couldn’t have done a better job for you. But with no sign of Sophie, and with the dogs completely unable to pick up her scent again—if it was ever her scent they found in the first place—there seems to be—”
“You can’t just stop looking,” Janine said. “You have to check that log cabin.”
“The medical consultants have told us that, given Sophie’s condition, she couldn’t possibly have survived this long out there,” Valerie said.
“That would be true if she hadn’t been taking Herbalina,” Janine said. “But she could—”
“The doctors don’t believe that a herbal treatment could possibly make that much difference to her.” Valerie put her hand on Janine’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I know this is hard to hear.” Valerie looked at Lucas as if asking him for some support, but Lucas only excused himself and went outside to use the portable toilet.
“Well,” Janine said, “I guess now I’ll be allowed to search for myself, right?” Anger clipped her words. “The mother is allowed to look for her daughter only when everyone else has given her up for dead.”
“Janine,” Valerie said, “I can understand—”
“She’s not dead, damn it!” Janine pounded her fist on the counter. “I know she’s not.”
She stomped out of the trailer and stood in the middle of the road, arms folded across her chest as she waited for Lucas. She’d been there for a few minutes when Valerie appeared at her side.
“Are you really planning to search yourself?” Valerie asked her.
“You better believe it,” Janine said.
“Well, then, take this with you.” Valerie handed her a small device, and Janine recognized it as a GPS, one of the tools the searchers had used to keep from getting lost. “We don’t want to have to come back here looking for you, too,” Valerie added.
“I don’t know how it works.” Janine looked at the gadget in her hand.
“It’s easy to use,” Valerie said. “I’ll give you a little tutorial, and you can borrow one of the maps. Then you’ll always know where you are. Okay?”
Janine nodded. “Thanks.”
“Come inside when Lucas gets out of the john,” Valerie said. “I’ll show you how it works.”
It was another minute before Lucas joined her on the road, and she held the small black device up to show him. “Valerie gave me a GPS,” she said. “Will you look for Sophie with me?”
He did not show the sort of enthusiasm she’d been expecting. “You mean, now?” he asked.
She nodded. “Please, Lucas. Every minute counts.”
He looked into the woods, then touched her arm. “How will you know which way to go, Jan? The dogs couldn’t find her. I’m not sure—”
“We’ll go in the general direction of the cabin we saw,” she said.
He still looked dubious.
“I have to try, Lucas,” she added. “I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.”
It took him a moment to look at her again, and he nodded. “All right,” he said. “I’ll help you today, but I have to go back to Vienna tonight.”
“You don’t believe she’s alive, either, do you?” she asked.
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, and she noticed how tired he looked. How beaten. “What I do believe is that you need to look for her,” he said. “That you won’t rest until you’ve searched every possible inch of this forest for her, and that’s okay. And I’ll help you. But I’ll have to be on the road by four. All right?”
“All right,” she said, although she knew that he, like Valerie, was only humoring her. He thought this was a fruitless mission. Maybe it was, but she wouldn’t know that until she’d searched the woods herself.
Inside the trailer, Valerie showed them how to use the GPS, then Janine leaned over the map on the counter.
“The cabin we saw was somewhere up in here,” Janine said, pointing to an area on the map. “Did they search up that far?”
“Like I told you yesterday, Janine, that’s over five miles from here,” Valerie replied. “We cut off the search at three miles in every direction. It’s extremely doubtful she could have gotten any farther than that.”
“You don’t know her,” Janine said. “And I told you I saw her penknife lying on one of the rocks near the cabin.”
“You think you did,” Valerie said. “It would be very hard to see anything that small from the helicopter. Our minds can play some mean tricks on us.”
“Jan,” Lucas said, “I think Valerie’s right. I think even if Sophie hadn’t lost a shoe and even if she’d been in the best shape, she couldn’t have made it that far. I know that cabin’s been on your mind, but I think it’s just because it was one of the few things we could see from the air, so that’s where you can imagine her being. But I—”
“I need a target, Lucas,” Janine interrupted him. “I need a goal. Something we can walk toward. I think we should start at the creek where the dogs picked up her scent, and then head from there toward that cabin. It’s as good as any other direction. And if Sophie had seen that cabin, she would have gone to it.”
“It’s very far,” Lucas said again.
Janine looked at Valerie. “Is the Herbalina still in the fridge?” she asked.
“Yes.” Valerie walked toward the small refrigerator at
the rear of the trailer. She took the soft-sided cooler out of the lower compartment, then reached into the freezer for some Blue Ice. She handed the ice and the cooler to Janine.
“Thanks.” Janine opened the cooler and placed the Blue Ice inside it, then slipped the strap of the cooler over her shoulder. She looked at Lucas.
“Ready?” she asked.
“As I’ll ever be.”
They said goodbye to Valerie, then began walking down the road, heading for the part of the cliff where the descent into the woods was less steep.
As they entered the woods, Janine could hear a truck engine cough to life and knew that Valerie and the trailer were leaving. How did the woman feel after an unsuccessful search? Janine wondered. Would images of Sophie haunt her dreams, or could she simply put this week behind her and move on to the next search with the hope that it would have a happier ending?
She and Lucas didn’t speak as they hiked toward the stream. This area had been searched over and over again, and so they didn’t bother looking for clues as they walked. Janine was certain that Sophie was farther out than any of the searchers had imagined. They didn’t know what a fighter her daughter could be.
She felt some disappointment in Lucas. Not just that he was anxious to get out of the woods and go home to Vienna tonight, but that he’d given her so little support with Valerie. Whether he was willing to admit it to her or not, she knew he thought Sophie was dead. He was lagging behind her as they walked, and she could hear him breathing hard. At this rate, he’d never make it all the way to the cabin. His heart was not in this. Maybe she should have simply sent him to the motel and had him come back to pick her up later.
They were only a hundred yards or so into the woods when Lucas suddenly stopped walking.
Janine turned to look at him. “What?” she asked. “Did you see something?”
Lucas shook his head. He drew in a long and labored breath, scaring her, and she walked back to him quickly.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to have to go back.”
Holding on to his arm, she studied his face. In the shadow of the trees, his skin took on an unhealthy yellowish cast. His face was damp; perspiration ran from his forehead into his eyes.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I need to sit down.” He looked around as if searching for a chair.
“There’s a tree stump just ahead,” she told him. “Can you make it over there?”
He shook his head again. “I’ll just sit right here,” he said, lowering himself to the forest floor.
“Does your chest hurt?” she asked, wondering if he were having a heart attack.
He shook his head.
“Where’s your water bottle?” she asked.
“It’s not with me.”
“Maybe that’s your problem,” Janine said. “You’re dehydrated. Here.” She reached over her shoulder to pull her own water bottle from her backpack and held it out to him.
He brushed it away with his hand. “No,” he said. “I don’t want any.”
She lowered herself in front of him. There was a deep crease between his eyebrows.
“Are you in pain?” she asked.
“Muscles are cramping,” he said. “And I’m just…weak. Nauseated.”
“Would you please drink some water?” She held the bottle out to him again. “You’re probably dizzy because—”
“I don’t want it,” he said with some genuine anger, and Janine drew away from him.
She stood up and shrugged herself out of her backpack. Inside it, she found a handkerchief. Squeezing water from her bottle onto the cloth, she ran it over his hot, damp forehead and the back of his neck. He shut his eyes as she dampened the cloth again and wrapped it around his right wrist. Reaching for the splint on his left wrist, she began unfastening the Velcro.
Instantly, Lucas opened his eyes and grabbed her hand. The handkerchief fell to the ground.
“I won’t hurt your wrist,” Janine said. “You’re arm is so hot. You’re perspiring…. You’re soaked under the splint. Let me take it off and put some cool water on you.”
He stared at her a moment, the look in his eyes blank and a bit scary. Slowly, his eyes fell shut, and Janine reached for the Velcro again.
“Janine…” His voice trailed off, and she knew he was too weak and tired to fight her.
Carefully, she unfastened the splint, not wanting to manipulate his wrist in any way. He was always so protective of it. She removed the splint, rested Lucas’s hand on his knee, then picked up the handkerchief from the ground and wet it again with water from her bottle. Lifting his hand, she gently turned it to place the handkerchief on the inside of his wrist.
She sucked in her breath at what she saw: the inside of Lucas’s forearm bulged with the unmistakable surgical crossing of an artery and a vein.
“You have a fistula,” she said, her mind instantly on fire.
He nodded, his eyes still closed, and suddenly she understood the cause of his yellow skin, his camel-like ability to go without water, the muscle cramps, the weakness.
“Oh, Lucas, my God!” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why on earth did you keep this from me?”
“I need to get to a dialysis center,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, standing up again. “Do you think you can make it back to the car?” She glanced in the direction of the road. They had not come that far.
“I think so,” he said. He leaned on her heavily as he got to his feet, and she wrapped her arm around him as they walked to the car. There were so many questions she wanted to ask him, but they would have to wait. Right now, he would need all of his energy and concentration to get through the woods and up the cliff to the car.
Climbing the cliff was slow and painful, and Lucas was severely winded by the time they reached the road, his breathing loud and ragged.
“You sit on the edge of the cliff, here,” she said, helping him lower himself to the ground. “I’ll bring the car over to you.”
She raced down the road to her car, then drove toward him, parking as close to him as she could. He practically fell into the passenger seat, and she buckled the seat belt around him before getting in behind the steering wheel.
“Do you know where the nearest dialysis center is?” she asked.
“Take me back to Fairfax.”
“I don’t think you should wait that long,” she said.
He rolled his head to look at her. “They’re going to admit me, Janine,” he said. “I don’t want to be stuck in a hospital way out here.”
“Okay,” she agreed. If he worsened on the trip back to Virginia, she could find a hospital along the way.
They rode in silence until she was on 55. Then she reached across the console to rest her hand on his knee. She was truly angry with him. He’d lied to her, but now was not the time to dump her anger on him.
“What’s wrong with your kidneys?” she asked.
“Same as Sophie,” he said. “It didn’t hit me until I was in my late twenties, though.”
“So, that’s why you were so interested in Sophie.”
“Initially, yes.”
“What about Herbalina?” she asked. “Have you wondered if it might help you?”
He was quiet for a moment, and she thought he might have drifted off…or worse. She glanced worriedly in his direction and saw that he was licking his dry lips.
“I actually spoke to Schaefer about it,” he admitted. “Apparently it doesn’t work on adults. Maybe with a little tweaking, he said. But…not yet.”
“What about a transplant?”
“I’m on the list,” he said. “Have been for a few years.”
“Oh, Lucas, why?” she asked. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know I would have been there for you.”
“You had enough on your plate.”
“When is the last time you got dialysis?”
“Thursday.”
“T
hat’s why you had to go back to Vienna Thursday night,” she said. “Damn it, Lucas, I wish you had told me! This is so crazy. How many times a week do you need it?”
“Four,” he said.
“Four! And you haven’t had it since Thursday? Lucas, what are you—” She suddenly realized exactly what he had done. “You’ve been screwing up your dialysis schedule to be with me,” she said. “Haven’t you?”
“I haven’t been as faithful about it as I should have been,” he admitted. “I skipped a couple of sessions. Didn’t stay long enough when I did go.”
“Oh, Lucas,” she said. “I just wish you’d told me.” Gripping the steering wheel, she pressed the gas pedal lower to the floor, knowing at least as well as he did the risk he had taken with his life.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Lucas didn’t want Janine with him in the dialysis room, but as the nurse pushed him past the other beds in the wheelchair, he didn’t have the strength or the breath or the heart to tell her not to follow.
He hadn’t wanted her to know about this, ever. Certainly, he hadn’t wanted her to find out the way she had. He knew she was angry with him, as well as confused by his secretiveness and hurt by his reluctance to trust her with information about a condition that was so much a part of him—and, ironically, a part of her, as well.
There were a few other patients in the room, and he knew one or two of them, but he had no energy to return their waves as he was wheeled across the floor. He transferred from the chair to the adjustable bed, leaning back against the raised mattress, and held out his arm for Sherry, the nurse who had dialyzed him many times before.
Janine sat down in the chair at the side of his bed. “Is he going to be all right?” she asked Sherry.
“Once we get this fluid out of him,” Sherry said, then turned to Lucas. “I need to give you your Epogen injection first,” she told him, and he nodded, offering her his other arm.
“My hands and feet are tingling,” he said, knowing that Sherry would understand the meaning of those symptoms. So, of course, did Janine.