CHAPTER VI.
A CONFESSION.
"He will be all right now."
The voice seemed to come to me out of the land of dreams. I seemed tobe in a dream myself. What I saw, I seemed to see in a dream. It wassome moments before I realised that the man bending over me wasFerguson, our doctor; that I was lying undressed in bed; that my wifewas standing by the doctor's side. When I did realise it, I sat up witha start.
"What's the matter?" I asked. "Have I been ill?"
It struck me that, as he replied to my question with another, thedoctor's eyes were twinkling behind his glasses.
"How are you feeling?"
I felt, now that I was once more conscious of any sort of feeling, veryfar from well. My head was splitting. Everything was dancing before myeyes. I sank back on my pillow with a groan. The doctor laid his handupon my brow. It felt beautifully soft and cool. He said something tomy wife; then he went. Lucy went with him, I presume, to see him out.
Presently my wife returned. She did not even glance at me as shepassed. Going straight to the other side of the room, she began busyingherself with something on the dressing-table. I might not have beenthere for all the notice she took of me. I could not make her demeanourout at all. Indeed, the whole proceedings were mysterious to me. Shewas wont to be so solicitous when I was ill.
"What's the time?" I asked.
"Half-past four."
That was all she said. She never turned her head to say that. Thesilence became oppressive. "How long have I been lying here?"
"It's an hour since the cabman rang the bell."
"The cabman?" It all came back to me with a rush. The appearance of theapparition--the face I had seen gleaming at me through the darkness;the sudden blank which followed. I half rose in bed. "Has she gone?" Icried.
Then Lucy did turn round. Words came from between her lips as if theywere icicles.
"Mr. Tennant, to whom are you alluding as 'she'? Have you not yetgrasped the fact that you are in the presence of your wife?"
Then I perceived that I was misunderstood. I lay down again. Seldom hadI felt so ill. I closed my eyes; even then I saw things dancing about.This unkindness of Lucy's was the final straw. I could have cried.
"My dear, why do you speak to me like that? What has happened?"
"I will tell you what has happened. I can quite understand how it isyou do not know. You came home, Mr. Tennant, in such a condition thatwhen you got out of the cab which brought you, you could not stand. Hadthe cabman not been a good Samaritan you might have lain in the guttertill the milkman came. If the milkman had found you it would, ofcourse, have been pleasant both for your wife and family. I thought youwere dead. I sent for Dr. Ferguson; but, when he came, he informed methat you were only"--what a stress she laid upon the adverb!--"drunk."
I knew that she misjudged me--that she had not even an inkling of thesituation I was in. But at that moment I could not even hint at it. Shewent on--
"I don't know, Mr. Tennant, how much money you went out with. You havecome back with 1s. 3d. in your pockets."
That "Good Samaritan" of a cabman must have robbed me. I felt sure thatI had more than 1s. 3d. when I got into his cab.
"You have broken your watch; you have spoiled your clothes, and youappear to have either given away or lost your hat. The cabman said thatyou were not wearing one when you engaged him."
That I could hardly believe. What could I have done with it? It seemedincredible that I could have driven to Hackney and back without a hat.
"I may add that, if you take my advice, at the earliest possible momentyou will have a bath." She moved towards the door. "I am going to tryto get some sleep in the spare room."
I could not bear to think of her leaving me like that. I called to her,"Lucy."
"Well?"
"You are hard on me. I have been dining with MacCulloch."
"I don't know who MacCulloch may be, but next time you dine with him ifyou give me warning I will keep a doctor waiting on the premises readyfor your return."
"Lucy! You would not speak to me like that if you knew all. I am ingreat trouble."
Her tone changed on the instant. She came towards the bed.
"Tom! What do you mean!"
"I know that I have been a fool, and worse. Even you don't know howgreat a fool I have been. To-night I have been trying to drownthought."
She knelt on the floor beside the bed, stretching out her hands to meacross the coverlet.
"Tom! You're not playing with me, as they say some husbands do playwith their wives? Tell me what you mean?"
I found this tone harder to bear than the other. A shudder went allover me. I closed my eyes. What did I mean? How could I tell her? Mythroat went dry and husky--a condition which was not owing to thepotations of the night.
"I've been a good husband to you, haven't I? I've tried to be."
"My darling, you've been the best husband in the world. That's whatmakes this seem so strange." She alluded to the events of the night."Why have you been so silly?" Putting her arms about my neck, she drewme towards her.
"You have no conception how silly I have been."
She laid her cool cheek against my fevered one. "Tell me all about it.Is it money?"
"Money would be nothing."
Her voice sank. "What is it?"
"It is something which happened last night."
I felt her shiver. "I knew it. I felt there was something wrong whenyou came in, although you would not own there was."
"I was afraid to tell you."
She drew closer to me. Again her voice dropped to a whisper. "What wasit, Tom?"
"It was something which happened in the train." I paused. My tongueseemed to stick in my throat. "When we left Brighton a woman got intomy carriage."
"A woman?" She withdrew herself a little. Then I felt that I could nottell her who the woman was; at least, not then.
"She had been drinking. At least, so I suppose. As soon as the trainstarted she began to quarrel."
"To quarrel?"
"Yes. I was afraid there would be a row. You know the express does notstop between London and Brighton. I did not know whether to pull thealarm-bell or not. I made up my mind to try to leave my carriage andget into the next."
"Do you mean while the train was moving?"
"Yes. I thought it better to run the risk than to stop the train, andhave a scene, and, possibly, a scandal. One never knows what may comeof being mixed up in that sort of thing with a woman."
"Well?"
"She tried to stop me leaving the carriage, and in trying she fellout."
"Tom!" Taking her cheek away from mine, Lucy looked me in the face."Fell out?"
"Yes."
"While the train was moving?"
I nodded.
"How awful! She might have been hurt! What did you do?"
"That's where my folly began. I did nothing."
She continued to stare at me, evidently not comprehending. My task wasgetting more and more difficult. After all, I almost wished that I hadnot begun it.
"It was all so sudden, and I was so bewildered that I lost my head."
"Then don't you know what became of her?"
"I did not know till the evening papers appeared. She was killed."
"Killed!" Lucy's arms were still about my neck. I felt them give aconvulsive twitch. "What did you do when you knew she was killed?"
"Went with MacCulloch to dine. You see, it seems that the body wasfound on the line. They appear to have jumped to the conclusion thatthere has been murder done. It struck me that if I went and told mystory the odds were that I should be arrested as her murderer. I hadnot the courage to face the situation, and so by way of a compromise Iwent with MacCulloch to dine."
Lucy removed her arms from about my neck. She put her hand to herforehead as if perplexed.
"Tell me, plainly, just what happened. How did she fall out? Was therea scuffle?"
&n
bsp; "In a sense there was. To prevent my leaving the carriage she took meby the shoulder. In trying to maintain her hold she got her back to theopen door. She must have stepped backwards before either of us realisedhow near to the open door she really was, because, before I had thefaintest suspicion of what had happened or was about to happen, she haddisappeared."
There was silence. I did not feel equal to meeting Lucy's eyes, but Ifelt they were on my face. At last she spoke.
"I see. No wonder I saw that something had happened. No wonder that youfound it difficult to tell me what it was." Rising to her feet, shewent to the fireplace. Leaning her elbow on the mantelshelf, she stoodin such a position that her face was turned away from me. "Is there anyprobability of their being able to connect the affair with you?"
"Given certain conditions, there is an absolute certainty. To my shamebe it said, that is really the reason why I went with MacCulloch todine."
Then I told her about the fellow who had been in the adjoiningcompartment. How he had forced himself upon me at Victoria; how heclaimed to have overheard all that had taken place; how he had arrivedat his own conclusions; how he had levied on me blackmail. Lucylistened quietly, putting a question now and then, but never looking atme all the time.
"And am I to understand that this person believes that you committedmurder, and is prepared to go into the witness-box and swear it?"
It was not only the question, it was, more than anything, the way inwhich she asked it, which made me shiver.
"The fellow is a scoundrel."
"Is that why you gave him the hundred pounds? If he is such a scoundrelas you say, why did you not show him the door, and defy him to do hisworst?"
The calmness with which she spoke made me writhe. My tone becamedogged.
"I have no excuse to offer. I was, and am, quite conscious of myfolly."
"I don't wish to say anything unkind to you; I quite realise how youstand in need of all the kindness one can show you; but I don't at allunderstand your story as you tell it. Why did you quarrel with thiswoman?"
"I did not quarrel with her; she quarrelled with me."
"But it takes two to make a quarrel. Why did she quarrel with you?"
"I tell you, she had been drinking."
"But, even then, what did she say to you, or what did you say to her,which could have caused such a disturbance? Because, I can see, fromyour own statements, that both of you had lost your tempers."
I was silent. I knew not what to answer.
"I suppose that the woman was a stranger to you--that you had neverseen her before?"
What could I say? I felt that if I did not tell the truth then it wouldcome out afterwards. Better, while I was about it, make a clean breastof everything.
And yet I found it hard. Lucy's ideas are narrow. She has her own viewsof things, and strong views some of them are. She thinks, for instance,that there ought to be the same standard for a man as for a woman: thesame moral standard--that a man ought to come to his wife with cleanhands, in the same sense in which a woman ought to come with cleanhands to her husband. I am afraid that I had been rather in the habitof finding favour in her eyes by endorsing her opinions. It seemed hardthat the only real peccadillo of which I had been guilty should becropping up against me after all this lapse of time. I had repented ofit, and put it behind me, long ago; and yet here it was, as fresh andvigorous as ever, rising to confront me from its tomb.
Lucy seemed struck by my continued silence. She repeated her questionin an altered form. "Had you seen her before?"
"Many years ago."
"Many years ago? You knew her, then?"
"I used to know her, to my sorrow, once upon a time, long before I knewyou, my dear."
The final words were intended as a sort of propitiation--I saw that shewas getting roused at last--but they failed in their effect. She stoodstraight up, facing me, her fists clenched at her sides.
"Who was she? What was her name?"
"Her name was Ellen Howth. I assure you, my dear, that there is nonecessity for you to get warm. I have heard and seen nothing of hersince I married you. Indeed, these many years I have thought she wasdead."
"Why did you think she was dead? What did it matter to you if she wasdead or alive? What did you know of her?"
"Really nothing, I am afraid, to her advantage."
"What do you mean? Tell me the truth, Tom, if you have never told me itbefore. What was she to you?"
"She was nothing to me. My dear, she was a person of indifferentcharacter."
"Do you mean----" She paused. She came close to the bed. She leant overme. "Was she----"
I knew what she meant too well. My heart and my voice sank as Ireplied. I did not know how she would take it.
"I'm afraid that she was."
She stood straight up. She drew a long breath. She looked down at me.When she spoke her voice trembled--half with passion, half with scorn.
"I see! Now I understand your story very well, and just what happenedin the train. And you are the man who has always held himself up to meas different to other men--as a model of what a man should be. And allthe time you have had this story in your life; and how many morebesides?"
"You are very hard on me, my dear. I assure you, this is the only one."
"So you tell me now. Not long ago you told me there was not one."
"I have always meant to tell you all about it."
"Indeed? Then how skilfully you have concealed your meaning! I supposethat, like other men, when you wearied of your light-o'-love you casther from you. Years afterwards she meets you in the train. She takesadvantage of the opportunity--probably the first opportunity which hasoffered--to tell you what she thinks of you. Your coward conscienceplays you such tricks that you try to flee from her, even at the perilof your life. She will not let you off so easily, so you threw her fromthe train."
"I did not. I never laid a hand on her. So far as I was concerned, itwas pure accident. I swear it."
"Whether that is true or not can only be known to your God, and you."
Lucy turned on her heels. Without another word she left the room.