What in the name of hell was a squal-adoption, for goodness’ sake?
There was something else nagging me; my conscience. The embarrassing truth was that despite having taken a sort of policy decision years ago, the gist of which was: no condom, no sex, Janice and I had not been using one. She’d emplaced a cap, but that, as the leaflets will tell you, don’t provide no AIDS protection. So here I was indulging in casual - if intensive - sex with a woman I hadn’t even heard anything about for eight years; hell, she could have been up to anything! But she had claimed the opposite, and I’d believed her. It was probably the truth, but it was exactly such instances of casually misplaced trust that were undoubtedly going to kill better men and women than me over the next decade or so.
Still, it was done. I drifted away.
I swear I was asleep when my eyes flicked on their own and in a burst of dark certainty I thought: squalid options! that’s what he wrote: Squalid options, before going instantly back to sleep again.
CHAPTER 6
They sat, stood or lay within the shattered cone-stump of the old broch, looking out over the more recent, but just as empty, equally abandoned, and even more forlorn square crater of the never-used production-platform yard. Above, a lark - just a speck against the blue - sang, its shrill voice jetting fluid bursts of song.
‘Aw, tell us, Mr McHoan; please.’
‘Yeah, dad; what is it?’
‘Please, Uncle Ken. Pleeease.’
‘Yeah, come on, Mistur McHoan. Tell us. Whit is it?’
‘What’s what?’
‘The sound you can see!’ Prentice shouted, jumping down from the broken wall of the broch; Ashley was climbing higher.
‘The sound you can see?’ he said thoughtfully. He leant back on the sun-warmed stones, looking across the grass circle inside the old ruin, over the spray of grey stones downhill where the broch had fallen or been torn away, over the sharp green tops of the pines to the waters of Loch Fyne. A white-hulled yacht ran gull-winged before the wind, heading north-east up the loch towards the railway bridge at Minard point; perhaps heading for Inveraray. In the distance, a few miles behind, he could see another boat, its spinnaker a tiny bright bulb of pure yellow, like a flower on a gorse bush.
‘Well,’ he said. ‘You can’t see it from here.’
‘Aw naw!’
‘Where can you see it from then, uncle?’
‘Well, where we were when I told you about it; we could see it from there.’
‘In the Old House?’ Diana said, looking puzzled.
‘That’s right.’
‘It isn’t the wind, then,’ Helen Urvill said, and sat down beside him.
Lewis snorted derisively. ‘The wind!’ he said. ‘Don’t be so stupid.’
‘Aunt lisa said it might be breeze block, but I wasn’t to say anything until ... aw ... heck!’ Prentice flattened his hand and struck it off his forehead with a loud slap; he fell over backwards into the long grass.
‘Very amusing, Prentice,’ Kenneth sighed.
‘Hi, Mr McHoan; look at where I am!’
‘Good grief, Ashley; be careful.’ She was at the top of the wrecked broch wall, rising into the sky like a grey sine on a sheet of blue paper; Ashley a point.
‘I’m no scairt, Mr McHoan!’
‘I bet you aren’t, but I didn’t ask you whether you were scared or not, Ashley; I told you to be careful. Now get down here.’
‘I’ll come down if ye tell us whit the sound ye can see is, so ah will, Mr McHoan.’
‘Get down here, you wee monkey!’ he laughed. ‘I was about to tell you, before you started hollering. Down; now.’
‘Aw, dinnae get yer knickers in a twist, Mr McHoan,’ Ashley said, shaking her blonde-haired head and starting to climb down the curved edge of the wall.
‘I won’t, young lady,’ he said. Diana and Helen looked shocked, then giggled. Lewis and Prentice sniggered quietly.
‘She said knickers, Mr McHoan,’ Dean Watt said.
‘Ah’m tellin mum,’ Darren told his sister as she made her way, feet and bum first, down the slope of stone.
‘Ach, away and bugger yourself, Darren Watt,’ the girl said, checking on her next footstep.
‘Haaaw!’ gasped Diana.
‘Ashley!’ Kenneth said, exasperated.
‘Oh, Mr McHoan, did you hear whit she said! Did ye! Yur a wee bissum, so ye are, Ashley.’
‘Yes, I did, and -’
‘That’s very rude you know, young lady,’ Prentice said, wagging his finger at the girl. (‘Oh shut up, Prentice,’ said Lewis.)
‘Ah’m no a bissum -’
‘Uncle Ken: what’s a bu -’
‘Waa! She said -’
‘Knickers knickers kni -’
‘ -buggerlugs.’
‘All right, all right!’ Kenneth said, raising his voice over a high-pitched babble of Childish. ‘That’s enough! Do you want to hear the answer or not, you horrible rabble?’
‘But-’
‘She -’
‘Ah’m -’
‘Stop it!’ he roared. He jumped to his feet and shook one fist in the air, dramatically pirouetting so that the gesture included each of them. ‘You’re all acting like children! If I’d wanted this sort of treatment I’d have stayed a teacher!’
‘But dad, we are children,’ Prentice said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head and falling over in the grass again, sighing loudly.
‘Innocence is no excuse, Prentice McHoan!’ he roared, shaking one finger at the prone child. ‘That was the motto of my old school and you’d all better remember it!’
Lewis was the only one not amused by the performance. He played with a bit of grass. The others were either laughing outright or sat, bunched up, heads down between shoulders, arms tense by sides, making snorting, guffawing noises and exchanging nodding, wide-eyed looks.
‘Oh dear lord!’ Kenneth shouted to the bare blue sky, his arms wide, head thrown back. ‘Look down upon this awful stupid bairn of mine and teach him some common sense before the world gets him!’
‘Ha, Mr McHoan! You dinnae believe in the lord!’ Ashley roared from half-way up the wall, almost level with his head.
He swivelled to her. ‘And that’s enough of your old buck, Ashley Watt! I don’t believe in Santa Claus but Prentice still gets presents at Christmas, doesn’t he?’
‘Ah!’ Ashley said, pointing at him. ‘That’s different, Mr McHoan; there’s hunners of them!’
He took a step back, looked shocked. ‘You little barrack-room barrister; what sort of extra-mural comment is that?’ He threw his arms out wide again. To his shock, Ashley jumped right into them, yelling,
‘Jurmonimo!’
The girl slammed into his chest, clunked her head off his chin, little arms whacking round his neck, knees hoofing into his stomach. He put his arms out to hold her, staggered back, almost fell, aware that behind him were the twins, sitting on the grass.
He bent his knees, flexed his back, and did not collide with or fall over the twins. He wobbled upright with Ashley still clinging to him, legs round his waist now. She smelled ... sweaty, was probably kindest. ‘Well,’ he wheezed, winded. ‘Thank you for that contribution, Ashley.’ The others were relatively quiet. Ashley was rubbing her forehead vigorously with one hand. He frowned, lifted the girl away from his chest so he could look at her face. Apart from being grubby, it looked all right. ‘What did you shout, Ashley?’
‘Please, Mr McHoan,’ the wee rough voice said, ‘Ah said JURMONIMO!’
He started to laugh and had to put her down. He went to his knees, then sat down and rolled over. All the rest joined in except Ashley, who stood, arms folded, bottom lip stuck out fiercely.
‘This isnae funny,’ she said, turning away. ‘Ah’m away tae get fed.’
‘Ha ha ha ha,’ Kenneth McHoan said, holding his tummy. ‘Ha ha.’
‘Were your classes this hilarious?’
Kenneth opened his eyes.
‘Uncle Rory!??
? Prentice said, and ran for the man; the boy jumped up onto him rather the way Ashley had leapt down onto his father. Rory laughed and caught him, swung him around, let go an arm and grabbed a leg, whirling the boy round once. ‘Wheee!’ Prentice yelled. Rory landed him one-handed.
Kenneth went to Rory, hugged him. ‘God, man, it’s good to see you.’
‘You too, Ken.’
‘You just get back?’ Kenneth laughed.
‘Ten minutes ago.’
The two men separated; Kenneth looked his brother up and down.
‘Uncle Rory! Uncle Rory! Do some magic; do a trick!’
Rory’s chestnut curls had been cut back to what was almost a crew-cut; his face was tanned, clean-shaven. Rory pursed his lips, took a coin from his pocket, bent down to the children, made the coin progress across the knuckles of one hand, then disappear into his fist; he waved over it, and when the fist became hand, the coin was gone. Squeals.
Rory looked lean and a little tired; his jeans were white with wear, and frayed at one knee. He wore a cheesecloth shirt and smelled vaguely of patchouli.
The coin re-appeared behind Diana’s ear. She put one hand to her mouth, eyes wide. The others went, ‘Yaaayy!’
Kenneth grinned, shook his head, as Rory straightened, a little stiffly. ‘More! More! Do it again!’
‘Later,’ Rory said, looking serious, mysterious, and winking.
‘So,’ Kenneth said. ‘How’s the world?’
Rory shrugged, ‘Still there.’
‘Back for long?’
Another shrug, and an easy smile. ‘Dunno. Maybe.’
‘Well,’ Ken said, putting one arm round his brother’s shoulders and starting to walk towards the path, where the still-frowning form of Ashley Watt stood, arms crossed tight as her brows. Ken smiled broadly at her, glanced at Rory. ‘Better get all the family in the one place before you start answering questions; otherwise you’ll get fed up telling the same stories all the time.’ Kenneth turned round, waved to the rest of the children. ‘Come on, rabble; your Uncle Rory’s back from exotic places and he’s got much better stories than me!’
The children started after them. The two men came up to Ashley; Rory ruffled her hair. She frowned. Kenneth lifted her up with a grunt, held her dangle-legged in front of him. ‘Sorry if I upset you, Ashley,’ he told her.
‘Huh, okay, Mr McHoan,’ she said. ‘Ah’m sorry ah swore.’
‘Okay,’ he set her down.
She looked down the hillside to the forestry track that led back to Lochgair, glanced up at him, then back at the other children, and said loudly, ‘Ah bet ah can be back at the hoose first, though but.’ She turned and ran.
The rest raced after her, whooping and hollering past Kenneth and Rory.
Kenneth shook his head. ‘Preprandial stampede; traditional,’ he told his brother. He made a show of squeezing Rory’s boney shoulder. ‘Woa; feels like you could do with a bit of feeding up yourself.’
‘Yeah,’ Rory said, looking down at the heather. ‘Well, my stories might be a bit thin, too; maybe I should tell them to you first. Let you re-tell the kids.’ He gave a small laugh. ‘You’re the professional fictioneer in the family. I’m just a glorified hack.’
‘Hey, is that false modesty or even a note of jealousy there, young Rore?’ Kenneth laughed, squeezing his brother’s shoulder again. ‘Come on, man; I stayed here and had weans and taught weans and you were off getting famous; consorting with tigers and wandering through the Taj Mahal and then wowing us all; fucking celebrity; toast of the town and plenty of bread; literary festivals, awards -’
‘Travel writing awards,’ Rory sighed.
‘Nothing wrong with that. Jeez; last time I saw you, you were on TV. What was that line? “Better lionised than mauled.”?’ Ken laughed as they walked down the hill.
Rory made an exasperated noise, shook his head. ‘Ken, don’t you remember anything?’
Ken looked nonplussed. ‘What? Did I get it wrong?’
‘No, but that was your line. You said that. Years ago. One night. We were drunk; I don’t know ... but you said it, not me.’
‘Did I?’
‘Yes.’
Ken frowned. ‘You sure?’
‘Positive,’ Rory snapped.
‘Good grief. I’m wittier than I thought.’ Ken shrugged. ‘Well; you’re welcome to it. But anyway; let your poor old brother have his turn. Don’t begrudge me for being able to distract the odd pre-adolescent from the TV for the odd half-hour.’
Rory shook his head. ‘I don’t, Ken,’ he said, and sighed again. ‘I’m not jealous.’ He looked at his brother; bearded, hair still dark, face cheerfully lined but still young-looking. ‘Just those end-of-ramble blues.’ Rory shrugged, the thin shoulders moving under Kenneth’s arm. ‘But it’s good to be back.’
Ken smiled. They saw Prentice walking back up through the grass and fern towards them, panting. The others were kicking up a cloud of dust on the forestry track; a small and highly noisy storm heading Lochgair-ward.
‘What is it, Prentice?’ Kenneth called.
‘Dad!’ the boy gasped from some distance off.
‘What?’
‘What was the sound ...’ He took a deep breath. ‘You can see?’
‘The Sound of Jura!’ he yelled. ‘Now keep running or you’ll get no dinner!’
‘Okay!’ Prentice called. He jogged off, shaking his head.
The rain fell with that impression of gentle remorselessness west coast rain sometimes appears to possess when it has already been raining for some days and might well go on raining for several more. It dissolved the sky-line, obliterated the view of the distant trees, and continually roughened the flat surface of the loch with a thousand tiny impacts each moment, every spreading circle intersecting, interfering and disappearing in the noise and clutter of their successors. It sounded most loud as it pattered on the hoods of their jackets.
‘Ken, are you sure fish are going to bite in this weather?’
‘Course they will, Prentice. Have some faith.’
‘Well that’s good, coming from you.’
Kenneth McHoan looked at his son, sitting looking suitably miserable in waterproofs in the bows of the little boat. ‘Just a phrase. I could have said, “Trust me,” I suppose.’
‘Huh.’ Prentice said. ‘That’s no better. Who was it used to say “If someone says ‘Trust me’ ... don’t”?’
‘Na,’ Kenneth said, shaking his head. ‘That was Rory. I never said that.’
‘You did!’ Prentice said, then seemed to realise he was sounding petulant, and looked away again. He plonked the rear end of the fishing rod down in the bottom of the boat, watched the thin end waggle up and down for a while. He folded his arms, leaned forward, hunching up. ‘God, I’m depressed.’
‘Cheer up,’ Kenneth said, falsely hearty. ‘Have some more coffee.’
‘I don’t want coffee.’
‘Well, you forced me into it; I was saving this for later, but ...’ Kenneth opened the poppers on the Berghaus jacket, unzipped and dug into the deep internal pocket, pulled out a hip-flask. He offered it to Prentice.
Prentice looked at it, looked away. ‘I don’t think that’s going to solve anything.’
Kenneth sighed, put the flask away again, completed reeling in, cast again, and slowly wound the lure in once more. ‘Prentice; look, we’re all sorry about -’
Darren Watt was dead.
He’d been on his motorbike, driving to Glasgow one bright day. He was overtaking a truck on the long straight at the start of Glen Kinglas; a car pulled out onto it from the Cowal Road. Darren had assumed the driver had seen him, but the driver had only looked one way; hadn’t thought to check there was nothing overtaking on his side of the road. Darren’s bike hit the wing of the car doing eighty; he might have survived being thrown into the open road or the heather and grass at the road-side, but he had started to turn as he saw the car coming out in front of him, so hit it at a slight angle; he was catapulted acr
oss the road and into a lay-by; he hit the big concrete litter bin full on, and was dead by the time the ambulance arrived.
‘It’s not just Darren,’ Prentice said. ‘It’s everything; it’s ... it’s Uncle Rory; Aunt Fiona, and ... shit, it’s even doing History, dad. Jesus; do human beings ever just get on with each other? Why are we always at each other’s throats?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t worry about Rory,’ Kenneth said quietly.
‘Why shouldn’t I? He’s dead. He must be; it’s been six years; we could probably have him legally declared dead.’ Prentice kicked the rod. ‘Good excuse for a wake; and we wouldn’t even have the expense of a coffin or anything.’
‘Prentice ...’ Kenneth said.
‘Well!’ Prentice shouted. ‘You’re always so fucking smug about Rory being alive! What do you know? What makes you so smart?’
‘Prentice, calm down.’
‘I will not! Christ, dad, do you realise how insufferable you can be? Mr Omniscience. Jeez.’ Prentice looked away at the grey landscape of water, cloud and dripping trees.
‘Prentice, I don’t know for certain Rory’s alive, but I’m fairly sure. In a round-about sort of way, he keeps in touch. I think. That’s all I can say.’ He started to say something else, then stopped himself. ‘Oh, I don’t know what to say. I want to say, “Trust me,” but ... looks like Rory himself has ruled that out. Can’t say he isn’t right about that ... It’s true, most of the time. But I’m not lying to you.’
‘Maybe not,’ Prentice said. He looked back at Kenneth. ‘But you might be wrong about the things you’re so busy telling us the truth about.’
‘I did say I wasn’t certain.’
‘Yeah? What about Darren?’
Kenneth looked puzzled. He shook his head. ‘No, you’ve lost me; what do you -’
‘I can’t believe he’s just ... gone, like that, Ken. I can’t believe there isn’t something left, some sort of continuity. What was the point of it all, otherwise?’
Kenneth put the rod down, clasped his hands. ‘You think Darren’s ... personality is still around, somewhere?’
‘Why not? How can he be such a great guy, and clever and just ... just a good friend, and some fuckwit forgetting to look both ways cancels out all that ... probably not even a fuckwit; probably some ordinary guy thinking about something else ... How ...’ Prentice shoved his hands under his oxters, rocked forward, head down. ‘God, I hate getting inarticulate.’