It felt like a stab to the gut, thinking of undoing this image I’d made just for me and turning it into something for other people. “I get that. What are you thinking?”
She crossed her arms, thinking. “You could borrow one of your mother’s dresses?”
I looked at the clock. “If I go now, I can pick something. But Neena’s the only one who could alter it quickly enough, and she needs to finish my schedule for next week. And I have a lunch date.”
She clasped her hands together. “Ohhhhh.”
“Seriously? As if it wasn’t bad enough to have my grandmother tell Fox how cute he is.”
Lady Brice wrapped her arms around herself and laughed. “Did she really?”
“There’s no stopping that woman.”
“It must run in the family. Hurry. Go pick a dress.”
“Okay. Send for Hale. I’m sure he’s just as skilled as Neena, and I guess we’ll find out how fast he is. And make a bullet point list for me for tonight. I’m terrified I’m going to blank.”
“I’m on it.”
I hurried into the hallway, hoping Mom hadn’t been released from the hospital wing yet because I was going to feel wholly awful if I bothered her by looking for a dress in her room. No more than two steps out the door, I saw Gunner waiting for me. He popped off the bench immediately and bowed.
“Hi. Is everything all right?” I asked, coming over.
“Yeah,” he said. “Well, except that I’m probably about to do something so incredibly stupid that I can feel my heartbeat banging in my feet.”
“Oh, please don’t. I’ve had enough stupid to last a lifetime.”
He chuckled. “No, it’s not like that. I just . . . I wanted to ask you for something.”
I raised my eyebrows, proceeding with caution. “All right. You have two minutes.”
He gulped loudly. “Okay, wow. So I’m really flattered that you kept me in the top six. It made me feel like I did something right, though I’m still clueless as to what that was.”
I shrugged. “Your poem made me laugh. Laughter is important.”
He smiled. “I agree, but it kind of proves my point.” He fidgeted with his hands. “It’s just, this far in, with you so busy and with me never having had one-on-one time with you, I was wondering how good my chances are.”
“It’s a fair question. But I can’t really answer it right now. I have so much to figure out.”
“Exactly,” he replied enthusiastically. “So I am going to ask for something ridiculous. Could I kiss you?”
I stepped back. “Excuse me?”
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. But I think a kiss can say a lot. I think one kiss would be enough for you to know if it’s worth me pursing you or you pursuing me.”
There was something sweet about his request, like even though a picture of me kissing Kile had been plastered across the country, he still didn’t think it was a given that I’d just go and kiss anyone. And that he’d learned enough from Jack’s expulsion to move with care. That alone made me want to give him what he was asking for. But to do this, to potentially lose a final suitor without even trying to know him better? It felt foolish.
“You could be a prince. You could have more money than you knew what to do with, be so famous people who don’t even have televisions would know your face. Are you willing to bet all of that on one kiss?”
“I’m willing to bet your happiness and mine on it.”
I inhaled, thinking. “Okay.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.”
Once the surprise wore off, Gunner placed his hand on my waist. He lowered his face to mine, stopping momentarily to laugh.
“This is a bit surreal.”
“I’m waiting, sir.”
He smiled just before our lips touched. There were plenty of good things about the kiss. His mouth wasn’t rigid, and he didn’t try to stick his tongue down my throat. He also smelled pretty good, though not like cinnamon or flowers or anything recognizable. Overall, I would say not bad.
But then, the fact that I could make that assessment as it was going on . . .
Gunner pulled away, pressed his lips together, and considered.
“No, right?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Not that it was bad!”
“It just wasn’t that good.”
“Exactly.” His stance shifted in relief. “Thank you so much for this experience, but I think it’s time for me to head home.”
I smiled. “You sure? You’re welcome to stay for the Report, go home in the morning.”
“Nah.” He smiled bashfully. “I think if I stayed, I’d try to talk myself back into it. You might be the most beautiful girl I’ll ever meet, but . . . I don’t think you’re the girl for me. I’d hate to find a reason why you could be when I’ve been trying to tell myself for a while that it was unlikely.”
I held out my hand. “I respect that. Best of luck to you, sir.”
Gunner shook my hand. “And to you, Your Highness.”
As Gunner made his way to the stairwell, I saw a butler escorting Hale toward Mom’s room. I waved him over, though his eyes were on my dismissed suitor as they passed.
“What was Gunner doing up here?” he asked.
“Making a choice. Come with me. I need your hands.”
CHAPTER 9
I CAME OUT OF MOM’S closet wearing our top pick, pressing it to my chest to save my modesty. “Thank you for doing this,” I said as Hale went to work, pulling at seams and pinning them in place.
“Are you kidding? I’m helping dress my future queen right now. I’m over the moon.” He pulled some more, watching the way the fabric reacted in the mirror. “Of course, it’s not the same as building you a gown from scratch, but this will be an impressive addition to my resume.”
I chuckled. “I just feel bad you have to give up your afternoon for this.”
“Well, it gets kind of boring in the Men’s Parlor. I’m sure if I ask Kile, he’ll come and sit with me while I work. Or Ean, maybe.”
“Ean,” I said, shocked. “It’s hard to imagine him willingly joining anyone anywhere.”
Hale smiled. “Yeah. I think he’s finally getting used to us. He talks to me sometimes, and to Erik. Probably because he’s not competition.”
“That makes sense. Ean seems like the ‘not here to make friends’ type, but I don’t think anyone could go through this without getting close to someone. It’s too hard. As difficult as it is for me, I know it’s just as bad for you all.”
“We definitely get the better end of the deal though,” he said, winking at my reflection.
I tilted my head. “I don’t know about that. The more I think about it, the sadder I get about having to send all but one of you away. I’ll miss having you here.”
“Have you considered a harem?” he said, deadpan.
I bent over in laughter and was rewarded with a pin stabbing my waist. “Ow!”
“Sorry! I shouldn’t joke when there are needles around.” He walked in front of me, and I held still, watching his eyes, recognizing the analytical gaze, knowing I did the same thing myself to designs and proposals and sometimes even to people. “I think we need to streamline this a little. Are you sure this is absolutely okay with the queen? Because some of these cuts I can’t undo.”
“Don’t worry. You have full permission to tweak in any way you deem necessary.”
“That makes me feel so important.”
“Well, you are. You’re helping me look like a leader tonight. It takes a thousand little things to make this role work, so I owe you one. Or two. At least two.”
“You all right?”
I looked up, not realizing how somber I’d gotten. “Yes. It’s just a lot to deal with sometimes. I’m trying to hold it together, that’s all.”
Hale pulled a pin from the pile the maid had left us and held it up for me. “Use this next time you feel like things are falling apart. It’ll help, I promise.
”
Slowly I took it, spinning it between my finger and thumb, and, at least for a moment, I believed it was true.
Henri was right on time, rushing into the parlor as if he’d been dying to run down for the last fifteen minutes. He bypassed ceremony as he held my hands and kissed my cheek, making me laugh.
“Hello today!”
I smiled. “Hello, Henri.”
Over Henri’s shoulder, Erik bowed, and I gave him a nod.
I took Henri’s arm and led him to the table, laid with two settings fairly close together and a third slightly distanced.
“Here,” Henri said, pulling out my chair.
Once I was seated, he eagerly ran around the table to sit across from me . . . and the conversation drew to an abrupt halt. I pulled the cover off my plate so they would know they could do the same, and after a few silent bites, I worked to bridge the gap.
“How’s your family?” I asked. “And your sister?”
“Miten on Annika?” he said, turning to Erik for confirmation. He nodded, and Henri returned to me, delighted. “Good. She very good. We miss.”
I gave him a sad look and nodded. “I understand completely. You have no idea how much I wish Ahren was here.”
He kept his expression calm but leaned over to Erik, who muttered a translation of my answer as quickly as he could.
“Your mom? Is good?” Henri said, trying so hard.
“Yes, thank goodness. Heading back to her room right now and recovering nicely.”
Once again Erik came to our rescue. We went back and forth in the same way for a few more minutes, and even with all the effort he’d been putting into learning English, Henri was as lost as I was. I hated this. It was too impersonal. It was one thing to need a translator for a visiting dignitary, but for someone who was in my home daily, it felt like too much. Even if Henri’s time in the palace was short-lived, I really wanted to be able to speak with him, just him, at least from time to time.
“Erik, how does Henri do with the other Elite? Do they all speak through you?”
He sat taller, taking this in. “Mostly. Hale and Kile have picked up a few words.”
“And the others?”
He pursed his lips, looking guilty, as if he was worried he’d sully the reputation of the others. “Gunner has been marginally interested, as is Fox, but they don’t appear to want to take on the challenge. It’s a lot of work. And Ean will speak with me but doesn’t really try to speak with Henri.”
I let out a long sigh, several thoughts flitting through my head. “Would you be up to giving us all a little Finnish lesson tomorrow morning?”
Erik raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Absolutely. It seems unfair that Henri has to do all the work.” As I said his name, Henri’s eyes darted over to me. He was certainly following our conversation in his own way, but I was excited for him to discover exactly where this was going.
Erik spoke swiftly in Finnish, and Henri’s eyes lit up.
“I speak, too? I speaking?” he asked as if this was going to be a party instead of a lesson.
“Of course,” I said, and Henri sat there, completely beside himself, the gears already turning in his head.
“I think you just made his day,” Erik commented.
“I’m upset I didn’t think of it sooner. It will make things easier on everyone.”
“I hope so. But I’m still going to focus on the English lessons. I’m hoping to avoid any more appearances on the Report.”
I made a face. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“It was awful!” After shaking his head, he pointed his fork at me. “My mom will not stop talking about it. ‘You look so good! Why didn’t you smile more?’ I swear, it’s maddening.”
“You’re blaming me?” I asked, feigning indignation.
“Forever. Forever I am blaming you! I don’t like being on camera.” He shuddered. I was glad he didn’t actually seem angry, though I could sense how serious he was about it.
I laughed, and he looked down bashfully at his plate as he smiled. It was then I realized Henri was stuck watching me chat with his translator while I was supposed to be on a date with him.
“You know, Henri, maybe we could do a full Swendish immersion experience, and you could teach everyone to make that soup you were talking about.”
Erik translated, and once again Henri was jubilant. “Kalakeitto!” he exclaimed.
There were things I was curious about with Henri. I wanted to know more about his family, particularly his sister. And I wanted to know if he was at peace with the idea of living here and working beside me, or if it worried him that we could have moments like the parade all over again and he’d be stuck trying to protect me from angry masses for the rest of his life. I wanted to ask him about that kiss in the kitchen, if he’d thought about it much or dismissed it as a lapse of judgment on one or both our parts.
But until I could ask him those things without having to ask Erik, too, there was no way I’d be able to.
CHAPTER 10
THE DRESS WAS RED. MOM hadn’t worn it in years, which was one of the reasons I chose it. Hale trimmed the long lace sleeves up to my elbows and pulled a few of the layers from beneath the gown so it wasn’t quite as full. He was right about some of this being irreversible, but he’d handled it all so tastefully that even if Mom eventually wanted it back, she’d probably be thrilled with the alterations.
Eloise helped me do my hair, and it looked so smart, with braids leading back to a modest bun. I chose a tiara with rubies in it, and I looked like I was on fire.
It was beautiful, really. I knew that, and I was thankful for all the hands that had gone into making me look like someone who could be trusted with the decisions that had to be made on behalf of the country. It just felt old, older than I truly was, though maybe closer to the age I should behave. Sighing, I came to terms with the dress. This was who I had to be for now.
I was tugging at my seams in the studio when Josie came up to talk to me. “That dress is amazing,” she praised, unable to keep her fingers off the layers of satin.
I kept straightening. “It’s my mother’s.”
“I’m sorry about all that, by the way,” she said quietly. “Don’t think I’ve told you yet.”
I swallowed. “Thank you, Josie. That means a lot.”
“You know, since everything’s been so serious, it might be a good idea to have a party.”
I huffed out an almost laugh. “I’m a little busy for that. Maybe once things settle down.”
“I could plan it! Just let me talk to a few maids, and we could pull something together in a week.”
I turned from the mirror. “Like I said, maybe one day, but not now.” I moved away, trying to focus.
She trailed me across the room, insistent. “But why? Shouldn’t you be celebrating? I mean, you’re practically the queen, so—”
I spun on her, enraged. “But I am not the queen. That title belongs to my mother, who nearly died. That you so casually brush over that fact makes the condolences you just gave me meaningless. What don’t you get, Josie? Do you think this job is nothing but dresses and galas?”
She stood there, stunned. I watched her eyes dart around the room, checking to see if anyone was watching our interaction. I didn’t want to humiliate her. In a way, I understood her. There might have been a time when nothing brought me more joy than a reason to start a guest list, a time when I thought this role was nothing more than dresses and galas myself. . . .
I sighed. “I’m not trying to insult you. But it would be inappropriate to throw a party when my mother is still recuperating. Please, what I need from you tonight is some level of understanding, which I realize may be too much, considering our history. Still, for my sanity, I beg you, just try to consider what it’s like to be in my shoes.”
She sulked. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Of course that only matters to you when it’s convenient.”
I wanted to rip her head off. What p
art about my life right now did she think was convenient? But I had a broadcast to think about.
“Excuse me?” I called to a passing maid. “Please escort Miss Josie to her room. Her attitude tonight is unsettling, and I need to concentrate.”
“Yes, Your Highness.” The maid turned cheerfully to Josie, not worried about our personal issues and ready to do her job.
Josie huffed. “I hate you.”
I pointed to the door. “Yes, and you can do that from your room just as well as from here.”
Without waiting to see if she obeyed, I made my way to my seat. I’d never seen it set up this way: the Elite on one side and a single chair on the other.
As I was staring at the sad, lonely seat, Kile sidled up to me.
“What was that with Josie?”
I smiled and batted my eyes. “Nothing, sweetheart. Just making me seriously doubt how much I want her as an in-law.”
“Still too soon.”
I laughed. “No, we had a . . . disagreement. And I feel kind of bad, because I understand her. I just wish she could understand me.”
“That might be hard for Josie. She’s only aware of herself. Also, have you seen Gunner?”
I squinted. “He left this afternoon. Didn’t he say good-bye?”
Kile shook his head.
I walked over to the other boys, who all sat up straighter as I approached. “Did Gunner say good-bye to any of you?”
The others shook their heads in confusion as Fox cleared his throat. “He stopped by to see me. Gunner’s a bit sentimental, and he didn’t have it in him to go through a long farewell. He just said this wasn’t right for him and that he had your approval to go.”
“He did. We parted on very good terms.”
Fox nodded. “I think he thought he’d lose his resolve if he stuck around. He asked me to pass on to everyone how much he would miss you.” He smiled. “Really nice guy.”
“He was. But take his words to heart,” I pleaded, looking at each of their faces. “This is about your futures as well. Don’t stay for something that you might not be able to handle.”
Kile nodded, looking suddenly pensive. Hale gave me a bright smile. Ean was impassive as ever, and Henri was taking in Erik’s translation, looking confused.