“My head knows that,” Dan said quietly. “But in my heart, I’m just as guilty as my brother.”
~~~~~
Though the sun shone brightly outside, the heavy brown drapes, which she never opened, allowed very little light inside. That suited Jess. Darkness here to match the darkness in her soul, she thought, dropping her bag on the glass and brass cocktail table. Realizing what she’d done, she braced herself for the crash, and was surprised when it didn’t come.
Slowly, she viewed the room they’d planned so carefully. What hopes they’d had when choosing everything that would furnish their first home. The cream-colored sofa and armchair, and set of three occasional tables. The huge entertainment center to house all of Frank’s expensive stereo equipment. A trace of a smile curved her lips as she remembered how, after setting it all up, he had put on some soft music and they had danced for hours. They had been so perfect together.
The only argument she could recall was over that old brown recliner of his. Looking at it now, she wiped at a stray tear. What an eyesore. No matter how hard she’d tried to convince him it would clash with their new things, he always had a reason to keep it.
Hadn’t he had it since his college days? Didn’t she know it was the most comfortable thing he’d ever had the pleasure of sitting in? And besides, who would notice his old chair once they’d filled the place with pretty pictures and knick-knacks? His final argument had been to kiss her passionately.
The chair had stayed.
The tears fell faster as she turned and walked slowly down the short hall, past the kitchen to the right, and the bathroom to the left, her steps faltering for a moment as she entered the bedroom. The place she’d done her best to avoid since that night. The room that held, within its walls, precious memories of their final hours together.
Frank’s shirt and shoes still lay exactly where he’d taken them off, strewn on the floor with her things. For some reason she hadn’t been able to touch them, or the bedding, a jumbled mess of sheets and blankets. There had been no need to disturb any of it because now, when she was actually able to sleep, she slept in Frank’s chair.
A stray beam of sunlight found its way into the room through a small gap in the curtains, bouncing off the diamond in her engagement ring. Through her tears, it looked like a rainbow of dancing colors. But rainbows had no place here. They meant hope, a promise of good things to come. Everything that had been good was gone without Frank here to share it.
“I suppose you want me to carry you over the threshold again.”
The teasing voice sounded like it was right behind her, and Jess actually turned to look for him. Of course he wasn’t there, only memories haunting her again. Still, they seemed almost real.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” she’d teased back. “It didn’t count at the hotel.”
“Says who?” Frank had already taken one suitcase from the back of the Cherokee, and was reaching in for a second.
“Says your wife.”
“Oh she does, does she?” He’d stopped what he was doing and grinned at her. “I suppose she thinks she’s privileged.”
“She knows she is.”
Why had the dimly lit parking lot seemed like the perfect place to kiss him, and not just any kiss, but the wrap her arms around his neck and leave him in no doubt as to what she wanted kiss. The sort of kiss that caused him to lift her in his arms, making her laugh and ask,
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Why I would have thought that was obvious, Mrs. Bentley. I’m carrying you upstairs.”
“What about our stuff,” she’d protested. By then he was halfway across the parking lot.
“I’ll get it later.”
“But-”
“Listen, wife, you started this. I’m going to finish it. If someone wants our stuff badly enough to steal it, they’re welcome to it. Besides, I doubt anyone’s lurking out here just waiting to rob us.” As he kissed that special spot just behind her ear, neither of them suspected just how wrong he was.
Much later, Jess had to admit this new husband of hers had done a superior job of finishing what she’d started. And, gazing at him as she watched him slip into his jeans, feet and chest bare, she couldn’t help but appreciate the fine specimen of a man she’d married.
“I’ll just lock everything up. We can wait till morning to unload it,” he’d told her, pressing his lips against her forehead.
“Hurry.”
“I will. Two minutes tops. I promise.”
Two minutes turned into three. At four, impatient and wondering what was taking so long, Jess slipped into a white silk robe and wandered out to the landing, resting her hands on the rail. Ah.
One of the things she most loved about him was his outgoing personality. But only one day remained of their honeymoon and she fully intended to spend it with him. He was just going to have to chat with the neighbor, or whoever was out there with him, some other time.
“Frank? Sweetheart, are you going to be much longer?” she’d called out. With the moon mostly hidden by clouds, she couldn’t make out much except Frank’s chest when he turned toward the sound of her voice.
“Jess! Get inside!” Frank had shouted as she saw the shadow of two pairs of arms go up in the air. What in the world? The sound of a gunshot, and the rear window in the Jeep exploding, answered that question with chilling accuracy, and she screamed in terror.
“For God’s sake, Jess, get out of here!”
But Jess had been unable to move, fear rooting her to the spot as she watched the two men struggle. Another shot, and they were still. Then she saw Frank crumple to the ground.
“No!” Her feet finally moved, flying toward Frank, even as his attacker ran the other way.
Fear like she’d never known before rose up in her throat until she thought it would choke her. Breathless, she dropped to her knees beside him. He was so still she was afraid to touch him for fear that he might be- No! He couldn’t be. She gently pulled him into her arms, relief making her weak when he groaned softly.
He was all right, she thought. Then she noticed the gaping wound in his chest, blood spurting from it like a geyser. She quickly pressed her hand against it, hoping to slow the flow, but it just seeped out, warm and sticky between her fingers.
“Oh my God! Oh my God. Someone get help! Call an ambulance!” she screamed, panic overwhelming her as a small crowd gathered around them.
“Don’t die, Frank. Please don’t die,” she wept, rocking him slowly, resting her cheek against his forehead. “I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Just don’t die.”
“Jess- Shh.” Frank was so weak she barely heard him, still he managed to cover the hand she held against him with his own.
“Frank.” In the glow of a flashlight beam, she saw he was pale, deathly pale, and she was scared. “You hold on, sweetheart. Do you hear me? Help is coming so hold on, okay?” she begged desperately as his blood continued to ooze out, soaking both of them, and the ground on which he lay. “We’ll get you to the hospital in no time, and they’ll fix you up good as new. Just stay with me a little longer, and everything will be all right, Frank.”
“...love you so much, Jess.” He was growing weaker as the seconds crawled by. The wail of sirens in the distance was a welcome sound.
“I love you, too, Frank. Listen, they’re coming. You just hang in there. Do you hear me? Don’t you give up.”
“...so sorry...don’t want to – leave you.” He struggled to look up at her, but the effort was too much, and his lids dropped slowly until his long lashes rested against his cheeks.
“No, Frank! Wake up! You’re not going anywhere. We’re supposed to be married years, not days.”
“...never been so happy. Thank…you.”
“You’re going to be happy a lot longer, because I can’t live without you, Frank. I won’t. So you can’t die. I won’t let you.”
“...must live, Jess....must liv
e.”
The last words were almost inaudible, then a trace of a smile curved his lips and he was gone.
She vaguely remembered screaming, sobbing and begging him to wake up. Promising him anything if he would just open his eyes. Rocking him wildly, and trying to shake off the hands that tried to take him from her. Only the sharp stab of a needle had brought blissful oblivion. The only peace she’d known since that night.
Slowly, like an old, old woman, Jess peeled off the sweatshirt she wore, and bent to pick up Frank’s white dress shirt, burying her face in it and inhaling deeply. It still smelled faintly of his cologne and she was comforted as she slipped it on, the cool fabric caressing her skin. She buttoned it as she returned to the living room, curling up in his chair.
Turning the lamp on low, she took their photo album from the tabletop and opened it to the first page. Not that she needed to. Every detail from every picture was burned into her memory, but she couldn’t touch memories. She could only stroke a picture and pretend it was really him.
Thirty-six photographs from their courtship. A couple from their small wedding. Just a dozen from the honeymoon. They had found better things to do than go sightseeing in Hawaii. Not much to chronicle the short time they’d had together. Still, she couldn’t get enough of looking at them. In fact, that’s all she’d done for three and a half months. That, and miss him. Always, always missing him.
Smiling sadly, she leafed through their life until she reached the last page, to the eight-by-ten she’d had blown up after the funeral. It was her favorite. Hamming it up for the camera, his blue eyes glittering and that grin- It still made her breath catch in her throat. Without conscious thought, she raised the album and placed a soft kiss on the flat, smooth lips, before laying it back on the table, and reaching out to get the floral bag.
The barrel of the gun was cold as she caressed it almost lovingly. In that moment, she did love it. It was the only way she could be with Frank again. The perfect way. ‘Till death do us part.’ Death by gunshot had parted them, now it would reunite them.
It was so simple. Almost too easy. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? She could have saved herself so much grief.
Almost giddy with excitement, Jess released the safety, and reached over to get Frank’s picture again. She wanted to hold him when she pulled the trigger. She was so intent on her task that she started violently when a sharp knock sounded at the door.
Ignoring it, she kissed the picture again, promising him quietly that it wouldn’t be long now. Whoever was out there would go away and then she wouldn’t hurt anymore. Except the knocking turned to pounding, increasing to a frenzied attack against the barrier that kept whoever it was safely away from her.
CHAPTER 2
“Jess, open up!” Emma. Who else but the girl who had been her best friend since fourth grade? The only person she’d been able to turn to these past few months. “I know you’re in there, and I’m not leaving until we talk. I mean it, Jess.”
She did, too. Emma possessed a stubborn streak a mile wide. Once she set her mind to something, she didn’t let anything stand in the way. The continued pounding was proof of that. Jess lay the gun on the table, and walked to the door.
She really should tell her good-bye. Emma had been so good to her she deserved a little consideration. A thank you for all she had been to her.
“The neighbors are going to call the police on you for disturbing the peace,” Jess said, opening the door a few inches, blocking Emma’s view of the living room with her body.
“Let them,” Emma said breathlessly, closing her brown eyes in relief. “Thank God you’re okay.”
“Better than you, from the looks of it.” It didn’t seem possible, but she could have sworn her friend’s ebony skin had paled a shade or two.
“If you knew how scared I’ve been, you’d be nicer to me. Let me in.”
“Actually, Em, I’m kind of tired right now.”
“Then I won’t stay long.”
“No,” Jess said, shaking her head. No way could she let her inside. Not now. “I wouldn’t be very good company.”
“You haven’t been good company for a long time. Now open the door.”
“I said I was tired. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get some sleep.”
“And I said I wasn’t going anywhere until we talked. I’ve been calling for two days, and you haven’t bothered to answer the phone,” she accused, pushing against the door with steady pressure.
“Frank’s father has been bugging me again. I was afraid to pick it up.”
“Well you could have at least called to see if it was me.” She reached out to touch Jess’s cheek. “I just got a call from a captain something or other, saying you really need a friend right now. What’s going on, Jess? And I want the truth.”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” She could have kicked herself when she glanced away from Emma’s face. Now she’d know it was a lie.
“Don’t give me that. I know that Mulholland turning himself in has got to have blown you away.”
“So?”
“So I want to help.”
“Then go home. I just want to go to sleep.” Emma’s eyes narrowed as she stared at her.
“What do you mean, sleep?”
“You know…sleep. The close-your-eyes, feel nothing kind of thing. Which I can’t do until you leave.”
“Sure you can. You can rest and I’ll- I’ll clean your apartment. I might even make you supper,” she offered, smiling an uncertain little smile.
“Thanks, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
Impulsively, Jess opened the door, wrapped her arms around this woman who was the closest thing to family she’d ever had, and hugged her fiercely. “You’re the best, Em. I hope you know how much you’ve always meant to me, because I do love you. You know that, don’t you?”
Several inches taller, Emma had the advantage and managed to overpower Jess, shoving her into the living room and kicking the door closed behind them. It only took a millisecond before she spotted the gun.
“What’s that for?” she demanded, pushing Jess away and rushing over to snatch it up.
“Give it back,” Jess snapped. Detective Winslow had put a stop to her original plan. Emma wasn’t spoiling this one.
“Why? What do you want it for?”
“I was going to kill Mulholland.” She looked at Emma, confused. “I don’t know how he knew, but he wouldn’t let me do it.”
“Who?”
“Detective Winslow. But I had to try, Em. You understand that, don’t you?” Her eyes bright, Emma nodded and asked gently,
“Why didn’t you put it away when you got home, sweetie?”
“I- I haven’t been back that long.”
“It’s been almost an hour since that captain called me. Why didn’t you put it away?”
“You know why,” Jess said, tired of lying. She watched Emma reach for the back of the recliner to steady herself. “Don’t act so surprised. You knew. Everybody seems to know what I’m going to do even before I do lately.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she whispered, looking at the gun like it was a snake. “Frank wouldn’t want this, Jess. He loved you too much.”
“Well, Frank isn’t here, is he? That’s the problem. He’ll never be here again. And it’s too hard. It doesn’t get any easier, and I’m tired of trying.” She took a shaky breath. There. She’d confessed.
“You just need more time,” Emma said, her eyes pleading with her. “Don’t do this, Jess. Please.”
“I miss him, Em. It’s been months, and it’s just as bad as it was when he died.”
“I know.” Emma choked back a sob. “But I can’t let you do it. Until I met Ty you were the only person I had. You’re too important to me. You know, the sister I always wanted. That’s you, Jess.”
“Yeah, right. The white sister you always wanted?” A shred of the sense of humor she used to have flared up and Emma smiled tearfully.
“Oka
y, so you’re not perfect. But I love you, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”
They stared at each other for a moment before Jess’s knees buckled, and she sank to the floor in a heap, crying as though her heart were breaking. Emma hurried over and knelt beside her, holding her close and stroking her hair.
“I don’t know how to do this,” Jess sobbed, her words muffled against Emma’s shoulder. “We were supposed to be together forever, and I don’t know how to do this by myself.”
“I’d give anything if I could give him back to you, sweetie, but I can’t. So we’re going to have to find a way to help you through this. Maybe you could come and live with Ty and me. I know he wouldn’t mind. You’ve been alone too long. I could take a leave of absence and stay with you.”
“I can’t let you do that.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“No.”
“Then let’s go see Dr. Anders. We can make sure there isn’t anything physically wrong with you. Then maybe he could prescribe an antidepressant or something.”
“It won’t bring him back.”
“No, it won’t. But it might give you a little hope. Jess, it’s normal to be depressed when someone you love dies, but this has gotten out of hand. We need to get you some help.”
“It won’t do any good.”
“You don’t know that.” She took Jess’s face in her hands and forced her to look at her, saying very slowly, “I won’t let you kill yourself. I’ll quit my job and watch you every second of every day. I swear I will, Jess. So you can either come with me now, or I’ll shadow you until you do.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand.”
“It’s my fault that Frank died,” she whispered. Emma inhaled sharply.
“What?”
“It’s my fault, and there isn’t a pill in the world that can take the blame away.”
“Jess, honey, that’s ridiculous. Why would you think such a thing?” She let Jess’s head fall back to her shoulder, and resumed the gentle strokes against her hair.
“He was trying to unload the car, you know and I – um kissed him-” She could hardly speak past the lump in her throat. “Really kissed him, and he wanted to make love. If I had just let him finish- He would have been inside where he belonged, instead of out there with that monster.”