I was tired of hiding, at least in front of Jake. How I felt in public remained to be seen.
“I like this look,” Jake said, smiling down at me.
“Yeah, I was thinking tomorrow I would just wear a thong and nothing else.”
Jake raised his eyebrows.
“You fucking save that shit for when I get back.” He winked at me and went back inside to grab the last of his things from the table. When he came back out the old screen door creaked the protest I felt. “You know what I was thinking?”
“What’s that?”
“You know how much you love my tattoos?” Where was he going with this?
“Yeah.”
“Why don’t you just embrace your scars and work them into some tattoos?”
“Jake, it’s most of my body. I would be one of those freaks on the believe-it-or-not shows.”
He laughed and shook his head. “I’m not saying get a full body piece, wise-ass. And I’m not saying you have anything to cover up or be ashamed of. I was just thinking instead of wearing sleeves, you could just get a full tattoo sleeve on your arm... make the scars part of the story, on your own terms.”
“Really?” I’d never even thought of inking over them.
“Just something to think about. Besides, it’d be kinda hot.”
“I knew you had another reason.” I pretend punched him in the arm.
Jake put his hands in the air like he was surrendering. “No other reason. I just want my girl to be as comfortable in her own skin as possible. I want you to be happy.”
“You know what? I think I’m actually getting there.” I smiled and I felt it all the way to my toes. It was the closest I’d ever been to being happy in my entire life. I had some work to do, but I was getting there slowly, with Jake’s help. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel I’d never seen before.
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to be stuck with the mental image of him leaving to play over and over again in my brain until he returned.
He walked over to me and tilted my chin up to him. “Hey,” he said. “Open your eyes.”
Reluctantly, I obeyed. Jake stared down at me with a smile that reached all the way to his ears. There was no monster lurking in his eyes now, no sign of the killer within. He didn’t have the look of a man who was leaving me to complete a kill contract.
But he was.
“I’d prefer it if you kept your eyes open,” he joked. “Walls tend to move into your path when you’re not watching.”
“Oh, they’re open all right.” I couldn’t help but lean in to kiss the beautiful blue eyed man who I loved.
Jake pulled away with a sigh and continued to pack the saddlebags on his bike. When he was done, he leaned back against the seat and even in the light of the single bulb buzzing from the porch I could see how beautiful he was. I loved everything about him, from the way he hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans that hung low on his hips to the way he ran his hand over his short goatee when he was thinking about something. There wasn’t a sight I wanted to see more on Earth than what was right in front of me.
But, he had to go.
Life or death. Kill or be killed.
In every sense, the burden of those words was upon him.
Jake ran his hand over his goatee, I smiled and my heart pounded like a steel drum in my chest. It was nearly drowned out by the sensation of ache and need in my sore body, a reminder of how we’d spent the last few hours.
I wondered if it was like this for everyone. Maybe, Jake felt this way with every girl he had fucked. Maybe to him, ours was run-of-the-mill stuff.
Jake gathered me into his arms until I stood between his legs. He kissed the top of my head and breathed into my hair. “Is it always like that?” I asked hesitantly, my voice a cracked whisper. I had to know.
“Is what always like that?”
“You know.” I tilted my head back toward the house, hoping the dim light hid the redness I felt creeping up my neck and onto my face.
Understanding and amusement mingled on his face. “No, Bee,” he laughed. “It’s not.”
For a split second, I thought he meant I’d been a disappointment, that he was used to better than what we’d shared.
He must have read my thoughts, “Bee,” he started, “it’s never, ever been like that for me. I’m not exactly a word person, but let me put it this way: I don’t think most people ever get to experience something that fucking amazing—” His gaze deepened. “—someone so amazing.” He leaned down to me. I could feel the brush of his goatee lightly graze my chin and cheek before his lips covered mine. Slowly, the heat that never had enough time to die down started to build again. His tongue gently parted my lip. When it met mine, our breathing became labored and my hands moved into his hair.
Jake pulled his lips away, but stayed close enough so I didn’t have to release my hold on him. “If I don’t leave now, young lady, I’ll be dragging you back to my bed and never, ever leaving.”
His hands rested on the nape of my neck as he pressed his forehead to mine. “That doesn’t sound so bad.”
He growled in frustration. “Go!” he commanded, pointing to the apartment and placing an innocent final kiss on my forehead. I still didn’t move. I couldn’t.
“Abbbbyyyy,” he said, playfully warning me. I liked that side of him.
It almost made me forget what he was heading out to do.
Not that his work itself bothered me. I was worried about his safety, not his job. For once, I wasn’t going to question my feelings, or the black-and-white of what they should be.
“I’m going. I’m going,” I said, as I peeled myself away from him and slowly turned toward the door.
“Hey Bee!” he called when I had almost reached the front door.
“Yeah?” I asked and turned to see him already mounting his bike. His goggles were in place, and he adjusted the strap on his helmet.
Damn sexy.
“I’ll be back as soon as possible. I promise.” His face was a mix of happiness and dread
“You better,” I said, trying to keep a light tone to words that sat heavy on my tongue. I took a deep breath and summoned control I never knew I had. Then, I turned and walked back through the front door.
I sat on the floor with my back against the door until I heard the roar of his bike coming to life and the clattering spray of the gravel from under the wide tires as he pulled out onto the main road. I sat there long after the sound faded into the distance, Jake along with it.
“I love you,” I whispered to no one.
It wasn’t just that I had lost my virginity. It was that, other than with Nan, I had never felt so needed, so wanted, so sure of something in my entire life. What happened to mean, angry Abby Ford, with defenses stronger than Fort Knox? Who was this girl who had actually managed to let someone into her life besides her grandmother? For the first time since Nan died, I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t have to be Mean Abby with Jake. I didn’t have to put on a front and show him how tough I could be. I was softer around the edges. He challenged me in the best of ways. I even loved that he was just as stubborn as I was.
I would rather fight with him than have a normal conversation with anyone else.
It was at least an hour before I got up. I needed something to distract me, so I turned on Jake’s laptop and typed tattoos and scars into the search engine. I was shocked at the images that came back. Thousands of pictures, mostly of women, with colorful flowered tattoos inked over c-section scars, or in places where their limbs had been amputated. I spent hours looking at them all. The breast cancer survivors were what really caught my attention. So many had opted to embrace their scars – some with a full design filling their whole chest. They didn’t cover their scars. They decorated them.
It wasn’t just what I wanted now.
It was what I needed.
If the apartment phone hadn’t rung just then, I would have already been pulling up images of what I wanted depicted around my scars. I would have been up the rest of the night contemplating the new Abby, someone I was actually beginning to like.
I crossed the room reluctantly and picked up the phone. I didn’t even get a chance to say hello. “Abby. Thank fucking God you answered,” Reggie said. “Listen, I know Jake is out of town, but the motor on the Morgan crapped out on us again, and we are stuck on fucking Cabbage Key in the middle of the damn night. Just now got enough cell reception to call you. Bo lost his keys for the three hundredth fucking time, and the moron waits until this very moment to let me know he left everything open at the storage unit! He’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.”
Before Reggie could ask me to head over to the storage unit to lock up, I offered to do it. It wasn’t like I could have slept, even if I’d wanted to. The short walk would help me work off some of the energy that was still humming through me.
“It’s no problem, Reggie. I’ll head over there now and get it all locked up for you.”
“You’re my lifesaver, Abby. The sea tow is going to take forever and cost a fortune, so we won’t be back until morning. Thank God it’s only Sunday. See you at the office Monday. Thanks again.” The line went dead. I grabbed the spare keys off the hook by the fridge, shoving them in my shorts pocket before I left the apartment and started off down the road on foot.
The storage unit was only a half a mile up the road, so I didn’t bother putting on a shirt to cover my scars.
I was testing myself.
The full moon seemed even brighter than it had been the night before, and for once, the wet thickness of the air didn’t feel like it was going to choke me out. Even the smell of butchered fish, a stench that usually stuck to the inside of my nostrils, didn’t bother me as much as it usually did.
The lights from the construction on the bridge hummed in the distance, the generator running them sounded like it was powering up for lift-off, drowning out the sound of the river crashing gently against the seawall. In the distance I heard the waves of music and laughter as people went in and out of the ever-revolving door at Bubba’s Bar.
I thought about Nan as I walked, up in whatever heaven may or may not have existed for her. I hoped it was the one she whole-heartedly believed in, and convinced myself that in some way she was the one who’d sent Jake to me. She would have liked him so much, regardless of his flaws—and maybe even because of them. I imagined if she were still alive she would demand I bring him home to meet her properly. She would probably make him dinner, insisting he take a second helping of her famous mustard greens potato salad and forcing him to take all the leftovers home. She seemed to believe that no one in town ate unless she fed them. I chuckled aloud thinking about Jake trying to answer the barrage of questions Nan would’ve surely had for him. We would leave out the part about him being a contract killer.
I don’t think that would go over big.
I could taste the salt in the air on my tongue as I walked across the bridge, swinging my arms and whistling.
Whistling?
Who was this girl?
I knew one thing: the new me was almost happy... and that was okay with her. For once, I wasn’t going to stand in my own way.
Once I was clear of the blinding lights hanging from the construction cranes, I relaxed under the comfort of the thousands of stars occupying the sky, reminding me of a thousand winking eyes. The moon hovered like an old friend wanting to know the news of the day.
I knew for sure Nan was up there watching me, rooting for me to have the life I never thought I could. I was so close. In less than a month, Jake would be back and a new chapter would officially start for both of us. Together. I was going to go with him. I could be normal with him. I could have a life with him. As soon as he got back, we would start planning where we would go first. I was thinking New Orleans, but New York was on the list, too. I’d never been anywhere besides Georgia and Florida.
My life finally had possibility.
I was grateful for the first time since Nan took me in. “Thank you, Nan,” I whispered, hoping my message would reach her somehow. The very first happy tear I’ve ever cried in my almost eighteen years on this earth slid down my cheek.
“Nan don’t need no thanks from a fucking whore.” A deep, slow, slurred voice growled from somewhere in the dark, startling me.
“Where are you?” I asked. “Who are you?” My heart thumped out an uneven warning like Morse code.
“Aw, baby.” Owen stepped out from the shadows under the overhang of the bait shack and into the moonlight. “What’s the matter? You don’t recognize my voice no more? Tsk tsk tsk. Now, that hurts my feelings.” He took a swig from an almost-empty glass bottle, wiping the dark brown dribble from his chin with the backside of his grease-stained hand.
“What the hell do you want, Owen?” I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to push out the little voice in the back of my head telling me I should freak the fuck out.
He motioned his bottle to my exposed arms. “Looky here. Someone decided to come out of hiding. It’s about time you showed off those fat tits.” I remained silent. I didn’t want to make more trouble with him. I just needed to get the fuck away.
“What do you think your Nan would say if she knew you’d taken up with a junkyard dog like Jake Dunn? You really think she’d be proud of you for fucking that loser?” Owen took another slow menacing step toward me. “You lied to me.” There was an edge to his voice I’d never heard before. His white tank top was stained brown and red with what I could only guess was a mixture of bait and fish guts. Even from a few feet away, I could smell the liquor wafting off him.
“How the fuck did I lie to you, Owen?” I asked, trying not to show my growing unease. I started to walk casually toward the storage unit door next to the bait shop. My plan was to run in and lock it behind me as quickly as possible. I could hear Owen’s footsteps on the gravel quicken as I tried to pass him.
He closed the gap between us.
“Yes—LIED! Look it up!” he yelled, furious. “You told me you weren’t fucking no one, weren’t wanting no one. Truth was, you just didn’t want to fuck me!”
I’d never heard him talk with this much hatred and pain behind his words.
He drained the bottle and slammed it against the seawall rocks lining the road. The glass exploded like fireworks. He let out a laugh like a machine gun. “I thought you were different, but you ain’t no different then all the other sluts in this fucking town, are you?” A cruel smile hung on his lips. His eyelids were puffy; thin, red veins swam in the whites of his eyes.
“Owen, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Get your drunk ass home.” I tried to play it off, walking faster toward the door of the unit. The handle was just steps away from my grasp.
“Now Abby, why would I go home to my empty bed when I’ve got you right here?” He caught up to me and grabbed me by the back of my tank top, spinning me around to look him in the face, my ankle twisting on the unevenness of the road, sending a shock of pain up my leg. I regained my balance and took a step back, but Owen held on. “Especially since you’re game now,” he added. The venom in his voice more potent than any rattler.
“Owen, stop! I have to go. This ain’t funny!” I tried to turn back around, but his hands shot out and caught me by the shoulders. The burning I hadn’t felt in over a week was back in an instant. My entire arm was engulfed in flames. His grip was tight, unclipped fingernails dug into my flesh. The stench of rotten fish and whiskey made my stomach turn.
Owen glared into my eyes, talking between gritted teeth and spraying saliva on me as he spoke. “So let me get this right, you have time to fuck Jake Dunn, who you ain’t known but for a minute, but you ain’t got no time for your dear friend, Owen?” An involuntary gasp shot out of my mouth like the blast from an air gun. He breathed in my ear, his grip tightened, I was sure he was drawing blood. He pulled me closer, running the back of his dirty index finger down the side of my face, leaving an icy chill on my cheek. I recoiled from his touch. “You know, I saw you two tonight.”
“Owen, stop. You’re scaring me.” I struggled to free myself.
“Oh no, you don’t, Miss Abby,” he seethed. “Not this time.” The dip he had tucked into his lower lip sprayed out of his mouth with the emphasis of each of his words, chunks of it sliding down his lip to his chin. Owen crushed his cold, wet, tobacco spit covered lips over my mouth. My face ignited at the sensation. I managed to get an arm free, and as soon as I did, I cocked it back, and slammed my fist straight into his jaw.
Owen’s head snapped to the side. He dropped me and rubbed his face, which was already red from the blow. I turned and bolted, but in no more than three steps, he’d caught me again, pulling me into him with one hard muscled arm and crushing us together, chest on chest. I felt his erection through his jeans, pushing against my stomach. He might as well have doused me in gasoline and set me on fire. But, I wasn’t about to let the unwanted heat weaken my resolve to fight him off. I tried to kick at him, aiming for the very area of my concern. He laughed at the attempt. “Fucking stop it, Owen!” I screamed. “Get off of me, you asshole!”
This wasn’t just Owen teasing me. This was Owen taking what he wanted. I was just an outlet for his anger. The object of his revenge.
I had to get out of there.
“Now now, Abby. You know I like it when you struggle a little. It isn’t fair that little bitch Jake gets to have all the fun, now