I didnt understand and I said But I thought he was
And I nearly said it I nearly said MURDERED but I didnt because I knew it would make her hate me and I knew a heart attack wasnt murder so I didnt need to ask.
Mrs Fell said The thing is Philip. There comes a time when you have to put the dead to rest Philip. When you have to trust the living instead. You cant live for your dad for ever Philip. When Dad died I believed it was all my fault. But I dont think that any more. You can believe what you want to believe. Thats what I think.
I said Like when Nero believed the Christians started the fire.
She said Yes. Like that.
I looked at Mrs Fell and she nodded her head like she was answering a question and then she said I showed the class a picture of him. Can you remember?
I said No.
She tucked a bit of her curly hair behind her ear and said When we did that lesson about Family Trees.
And that is when I worked out how I first knew about Ray Goodwin. It wasnt from Dads Ghost it was in the lesson on Family Trees the day before Dad died when Mrs Fell told us her Dad was a miner.
I could believe what I wanted to believe now so I wasnt going to believe in the Dead Fathers Club and I wasnt going to believe in ghosts that are in pain for ever if you dont help them.
Mrs Fell said But I suppose it worked out for the best. If I hadnt gone to be a Teacher I wouldnt have met Jonathan.
She lifted up her rings on her Wedding finger and I thought of the man she was with in the wheelchair who was ill.
Mrs Fell said with sadness in her eyes and happiness in her smile That reminds me. Id better be off.
She patted my hand and stood up to go and she said Trust the living Philip. Trust the living. Thats what I reckon.
And I said Yes.
Philip?
Philip?
Philip why cant you hear me?
Why cant you see me?
Im here Philip.
Im here right in front of you.
Philip look.
Please Philip.
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Im trapped Philip.
Im trapped inside this place.
Youve got to help me.
Youve got to let me out.
The Bird Out of the Window
Mum poured the black water out and made a puddle on the grass.
The water had bubbles in it that popped and the puddle got smaller and smaller because the grass was drinking it.
She put the clinky metal cup next to the grave again and poured new water out of the Pepsi bottle and then she put the metal lid with the holes in the cup. She cut the ends of the flowers and she started to put them through and she gave me some to do as well and I put the green stems inside the holes and the flowers bent their heads in their hoods. I tried to get them to point up to the sky but they kept on flopping their heads like they were at a flower funeral.
She said Leave them Philip. Theyre OK.
I said But they look better pointing up.
She said Theyre meant to be like that.
I said Oh.
She stood in front of the grave and said to it Happy Birthday.
And I said it too Happy Birthday.
Mum looked at Dad tucked up in the grass like he was sleeping under a duvet and I stood next to her and she rubbed my back.
It was nearly dark and we just looked at Dads grave a bit more and let the wind play our coats and play the trees.
Mum said Wed better go now Philip.
I said Yes.
She said Its nearly time to see Alan.
I said OK and then I said Bye to Dad.
And we went back on the path and there were two men digging a hole for a coffin and we got back to the car and Mum put the heater on and we drove out and left Dad under the grass and I looked at Mums face. It was worried about Uncle Alan and it was changing colour under the Christmas lights of Father Christmas and Snowmen and Rudolph and the North Star and the Angels and we passed the big Christmas tree near the castle wall and it had little white lights on it.
We got to the hospital and Mum parked and switched off the engine. She did a big breath and opened the door and we got out and started walking.
I said Mum did you lock the car?
She went back to the car and locked it and she said I dont know if Im coming or going I honestly dont.
We went in the hospital and passed an old woman who was yellow like a Simpson being pulled on a wheelie bed. I followed Mum down all the white corridors left and right and left and we went in a lift. A little girl was crying into her dads tummy and the dad was stroking the back of her head and there was a man in green and he was scratching his face like his fingers were matches that wouldnt go on fire.
The green man said What floor you after?
Mum said Three.
The green man pressed three and we went up in the lift with the little girl crying and ding the doors opened. We went out and there was a woman behind a desk and Mum said Hello.
The woman knew who she was because she said If youd like to take a seat Mrs Noble and Ill just check with the nurse if its all right to go through.
We sat on plastic chairs and waited under the tick tock clock and smelt the smells of the hospital. Plastic smells and clean smells and school floor smells and the smells of the family waiting on the other chairs. The family wasnt talking and my mum wasnt talking and I wasnt talking and the nurses writing on clipboards werent talking and the doctors coming out of the swing doors werent talking. It was like the quiet bodies on the beds in the little rooms all around had a not talking illness that was catching.
I looked at the bit of tinsel behind the womans desk and it was gold and a bit of it was falling down and there was another shiny gold thing saying HAPPY CHRISTMAS but the MAS was hanging down so it said HAPPY CHRIST.
I was thinking Mrs Fell was right. There are choices. You can listen to ghosts or you can not listen to ghosts and you can think what you want to think it is up to you because there are only two things that are true 100 out of 100 times and that is that you live and also that you die and every other thing is not true or false it is a mix. It is both. It is none.
And Mum was talking now.
She was saying I wonder why theyre taking so long. Normally I just go straight in.
There was a window and a small shape out of the window and the small shape was a bird that was doing nothing just staying still.
A nurse came and said Are you waiting to go into Bay six?
Mum said Yes.
The nurse said You can both go through now. If youd like to follow me.
We followed her down the corridor and the nurse said Hello to a woman in a suit who walked past.
And then I saw him in the glass that was a rectangle in the wall. The glass made it look like he was in a fish tank and he was lying on a bed with a green blanket tucked round his big tummy and the nurse lifted her arm to the door and Mum went in the door and I went in the door.
He looked just normal like he was asleep but there were machines by him and wires coming out of him like he was a machine and he had a white clip on his finger and there was a screen making electric steeples with the heart beats beep beep beep.
Mum looked at him and she had wobbly breathing and she sat down on a chair next to the bed and I sat down on a chair next to it and I looked under the mask at Uncle Alans mouth open like he was waiting for someone to put a coin on his tongue to pay the man on the ferry to take him across the River Styx.
Mum talked to him like he could hear her.
She said I think you were right about the Christmas tree. It will look nice in the corner next to the machines. We can go to that place in North Muskham and choose one. Philips going to help arent you Philip?
I said Yes.
Mum said Carla and Nooks have helped put all the other decorations up. It looks really lovely doesnt it Philip?
I said Yes.
Mum wa
s leaning forward with one hand on her chin and one hand over her knee like she was a number 4.
Uncle Alan did nothing. He just kept his eyes shut and his mouth open with no coin and the screen kept beeping beep beep beep.
There was a knock on the door and the door opened and a man in a long white coat and a long white face was there. I could tell Mum knew who he was and he said Mrs Noble if youve got five minutes Id like to just speak to you for a minute.
Mum went out and I stayed there. She didnt quite shut the door and some of the doctors words were thin and squeezed insideseriouswaterlungshighpoxearbrainswellriskdamageheart
Survive
60
per cent
choice
decision
breathing
breathing
breathing
Mrs Noble
The doctor kept on talking and Mum kept on not talking and I moved into Mums chair and it was warm from her bum. I looked at Uncle Alan and I looked at his big hand by his side and the wire going into his wrist. I touched his hand with my fingertips and it was real and it was warm and I didnt know if it was the hand that messed with Dads car but it was the hand that saved Leah and saved me and might have saved Mum and there were no marks on the hand. No oil from engines. It was all washed off in the river.
The doctor closed the door and stopped the words squeezing through.
I said Uncle Alan.
Uncle Alan said beep beep beep beep.
I said Im sorry about the PlayStation.
Uncle Alan said beep beep beep beep.
I said And everything.
Uncle Alan said beep beep beep beep.
I held his hand and watched the tube going into his mouth and the tube going into his blood.
I said You cant die Uncle Alan. Youve got to live. If you live Ill make it up to you. It will be great and we can be like a family and everything and we can have a nice Christmas.
Dads Ghost said inside my head Two minutes Philip. Two minutes to stop the Terrors.
I said Go away.
Dads Ghost said You are a fool Philip. You are a fool.
I said Go away.
Dads Ghost said I must rest. I cant stay in pain for ever.
I said Go away!
And I saw Uncle Alans eyes flicker and move like dinosaurs eggs when the baby dinosaurs are about to come out and I thought he was going to wake up but he didnt. His hand went twitchy so I put it down and then Dads Ghost came out of my brain and went inside the machine and down through wires in an air bubble like he was a Changemaker and the screen went beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and the steeples went flat and I said Mum!
And Mum and the long white doctor came in and the doctor looked at the screen and then shouted out the open door in fast hospital language for people to come in.
And Mum was saying Whats happening? Whats happening? Whats going on?
The doctor went to the machines and then other people came in and the doctor said Mrs Noble wait outside both of you wait outside. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me and Mum went outside the room and Mum was walking backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and we could see him in the fish tank glass when they put the metal things on him trying to start him like an engine and Mum said Oh God oh please God oh God oh please please oh God and God said nothing.
I said Mum.
Mum said Oh God oh please.
I said Mum.
Mum said Oh Oh Oh.
I said Mum lets sit down come on Mum.
I held her hand that was cold and we walked to the chairs. There was no one there now except the bird out of the window and we sat down and Mums pink nails were digging into my skin. I did a prayer in my head and then after the prayer I wished I was a Roman because they had more Gods and they could keep saying prayers until there was a God who could help.
The bird turns its head in a jerk like a dinosaur and I think it looks at me with its eyes that dont blink and it flies off and into the sky which is too dark to see and the nails keep digging and I do nothing I just keep breathing in and out and in and out.
Matt Haig, The Dead Fathers Club
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