I knew it was normal to feel insecure, but I’d never actually spent time assessing my faults before today and I already didn’t like these side effects of having a crush.
Popping open the medicine cabinet, I grabbed one of the orange bottles labeled with my mother’s name and removed the cap, dumping a Diazepam into my palm. I avoided taking these on most occasions even though my mom used them as a cure-all. But just the thought of trying to make small talk with the mystery boy had my stomach twisted in knots and nowadays, that was cause to medicate, sedate, and take away any feeling. I repeated the process with my Zoloft, a prescription I’d been taking since the beginning of summer. I’m not sure if it actually did anything, but I certainly noticed if I missed a dose because it caused my brain to zap itself in a self-imposed shock therapy.
I popped the pills into my mouth and swallowed them down dry, nearly gagging before my eyes met my own reflection again. I ran my palm over my pale cheek before my gaze dipped to the large brown, ornately carved box that held my mother’s face paint and spackle. I’d always cringed at smearing dirt on my skin, but I couldn’t deny how men reacted to her when they saw her all done up. They certainly didn’t pay attention to me like that unless you counted the time Lloyd Schumer tripped me in the hall after lunch in the third grade. I had to wear a brace on my wrist for three weeks and the school nurse told me he must have thought I was cute. I was cuter without the stupid wrist guard. I didn’t like boys at all after that.
Flipping open the lid, I rifled through it, finding her mascara that made her eyes look like spider legs. I’d seen her apply her makeup a million times and as I began to apply it to my own face, I realized it wasn’t all that hard. It was kind of fun once the Valium kicked in and I was able to steady my hand long enough to draw a straight line.
***
August 5, 2015
Twenty minutes and a few swear words later, my face had been recreated and it didn’t look half bad. It would take some time to get used to myself looking more grown up, but it was a change I could learn to like.
Tightening my towel around my chest, I hurried into my bedroom, avoiding my mother so I wouldn’t have to listen to a lecture about using her things or worse, praising me for finally becoming just like her. I dropped the swath of fabric as I pulled open my closet, my eyes dancing over the contents as I tried to find something that didn’t make me look like a life-sized doll. My mom was big on dresses and matching short and shirt combos. Flipping open the magazine I’d left on my nightstand, I turned a few pages before my eyes narrowed on an equestrian-inspired ensemble. The knee high, brown leather boots looked a lot like the ones I’d gotten from our ski trip two years ago. I grabbed them from the floor of my closet and tossed them on the bed. Next, I pulled a lacy, white knee-length dress I’d gotten for picture day last year. Paired with a light gray cardigan, I almost looked like I wasn’t an overgrown toddler.
I hurried up and pulled on my outfit, sneaking a few glances out of the window to ensure the vehicle was still parked in its place.
Tucking my still damp hair behind my ear and took a deep breath, swaying as the Valium pumped its way through my veins, lulling me into a false sense of calm.
“He’s just a guy,” I whispered aloud before hurrying out of my room and down the stairs to the front door before I lost my nerve.
The sun was, even more, oppressive today than it had been all week, but I was used to the weather after all of these years. We moved to DeRidder, Louisiana when I was ten, my father taking on a high profile case about a man who was publicly beaten by a mob after a peaceful rally for equality. It had made national news and helped move my father’s career into the spotlight. I missed North Carolina, where the air wasn’t as thick and the rest of my family still resides.
My tongue ran over my dry lips as I focused on my walk toward the mailbox. It felt like my hips swayed a little too far and I was sure I looked like I was waddling like a duck.
“You’re not even going to say hi to me?”
I glanced to my right, my eyes dancing over Silas who looked like he’d grown a foot since the last time we’d talked.
“I almost didn’t recognize you,” I replied as we met next to my mailbox.
“I could say the same for you,” He joked as his eyes travelled down my body and he smiled a wide, toothy grin. He was your typical boy next door with deep chocolate eyes and an IQ that made me trip over my tongue whenever we spoke, which was becoming less and less.
“Yeah, I start high school next week. I thought I’d try to look the part.” I tucked my hair behind my ear nervously.
“What a shame.”
“Does it look that bad?”
He lifted his hand and ran the pad of his thumb down the length of my nose. “You can’t see your freckles anymore.” His finger moved along my jaw. “You had some here that looked just like the Aries constellation.”
“Oh,” I whispered wondering when his boring science talk suddenly sounded so interesting all of the sudden. His hand fell to his side and he smiled. “Speaking of change, you sure look… different.”
Now it was his face that seemed to redden from my words. “Yeah. You know what they say. The only thing constant is change.”
“What a shame,” I repeated his words, earning me a broader grin.
“I gotta get going. Promise me you’ll let me take you to school on your first day.” He took a few steps backward as he waited for my reply.
“I’ll ask my dad,” I conceded as he turned and walked back up the sidewalk toward his house.
I grabbed the mail, flipping through it as I slowed my pace back to my house.
“It’s a hot one today, Cher[20],” a voice called out, startling me and sending the mail fluttering to the sidewalk below.
“Shoot,” I muttered, bending down but keeping my knees pressed together as I tried to gather the envelopes in my short dress. I could hear footsteps on the gravel of the street, thudding in time with my troubled heart.
“A little jumpy today, ya?” Daven was at my side, gathering up the mail for me. I stood, thanking him as he handed it over.
His face was freshly shaven for the first time in weeks.
“I just didn’t see you out here.”
“You’re not wearing your glasses. How’s ya mamma ’n ’em[21]?”
“Everyone is doing well.” I hesitated, unsure if I should ask him about how he is doing, knowing this past year had been a rollercoaster. My eyes went to the blurry, black Impala and I squinted trying to bring it into focus. “Really cool car. Is it new?”
“Naw… that belongs to my nephew, Kaden. He’s probably about your age. Came to stay with me for a bit while he gets sorted out.”
“Oh.” I furrowed my brow, trying my best to appear surprised. “He has good taste. Looks better with the side molding. The SS is too plain.”
A smile spread across Daven’s face and I felt mine heat. I must not have said that correctly. I knew I should have checked a few more sources or, at least, looked at a few pictures.
“I never pegged you for a car buff.”
“Oh… I’m not. I just… I am going to be getting a car of my own soon and those older cars are safer.” My voice trailed off as I looked at the ground between us, the papers in my hand rustling as my fingers shook. Safer? They didn’t even have airbags, did they? God, if I couldn’t talk normally around Daven, how was I going to be able to speak to Kaden?
“Well, maybe my nephew can take you out for a drive later, ya’? Let you see what you think. In turn, maybe you can show him around town. I know I’d be grateful not to have to worry about school shopping tonight.”
Now it was me who had a grin I couldn’t contain. “Sure. Maybe.” I shook my head. “I mean, it’s whatever. I’d have to ask my parents.” I shrugged as I took a few backward steps toward my home. “Merci[22],” I called out before turning my back on him so I could silently squeal, crumpling the mail in my hands.
“F'sho[23].”
&nb
sp; I was disappointed I didn’t get to see the boy himself but soon, if my father approved, I may just get to sit by his side in that big car. My mind flashed to the wide bench seat and I was once again thankful he hadn’t chosen the SS model that came with the bucket seats. I wondered if he’d done that on purpose and then frowned thinking about all of the girls that have probably slid across that seat to snuggle into his side.
“What are you pouting about?” My brother asked as he bit into a ruby red apple. I closed the front door behind me and rolled my eyes as I tossed the mail on the table inside of the door. I turned to face him, making sure he had a clear view of my mouth before I began to speak. When he was seven, a viral ear infection of the cochlea had left him partially deaf. He quickly learned to read lips, making his condition virtually unnoticeable, masking his insecurity.
“I’m not, Elik. Why are you here?”
“I live here, remember? And I can tell when you’re lying. You do that stupid, I smell something rank face.”
“No, you live at college and maybe I smelled you. You practically bathe in that crappy body spray,” I groaned as I disappeared into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge. I heard his feet shuffle across the floor behind me. Physically, he was the male version of me, with short, slightly darker hair and dark eyes. He could do no wrong in my parent’s eyes because they often looked the other way. He was an athlete who studied round the clock to become a lawyer, just like our father.
“I’ve been back in town for two days. Danny and I broke up. How did you not notice I was here?”
I peered around the door, cocking my eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re gone all hours of the night and sleep all day. How would I know?” My mind had been so preoccupied lately that I wouldn’t have noticed if Dad had grown a second head. “Sorry about Danny. I’m sure he will get over whatever it is you’ve done this time. Maybe now you can focus on school.”
“Speaking of school, you ready to go back?” He took another bite of the apple before tossing the core toward the garbage can. It missed, bouncing off the edge and rolling toward the island. I glared at him before rolling my eyes and grabbing his trash for him and dropping it in the can.
“It’s good to see you’ve been practicing. Dad will be pleased,” I snorted before continuing our conversation. “It’s nice to get out of the house.”
“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Make some friends and have a little fun.”
“Oh, sure. Mom would just love that.” I rolled my eyes as I pictured her clutching her pearls as if she may faint at the very suggestion.
“So don’t tell her.”
“You’re telling me to lie to mom? Me? The girl who once confessed to your crimes because I thought I was going into anaphylactic shock from an allergy to deception?” I narrowed my eyes in disbelief that he would even suggest I do something like that. It would be suicide. Pure and simple.
“No more of a lie than mom and dad assuming Danny was short for Danielle and not Daniel.” He winked and I couldn’t help but chuckle at how far they’ve gone to ignore their own son’s sexual orientation. “I’m just telling you to live your own life, Lila Jane. You’re not a kid anymore.” Patting me on the shoulder, he disappeared into the den, leaving me wondering if I could actually tell a lie without throwing up on my shoes. One thing was for certain, I didn’t want to be like my brother. I’d rather lie to the world instead of lying to myself.
THREE
KADEN
May 5, 2013
I laid on the narrow, twin-sized bed, staring beside me at Taylor, in awe of her beauty. Her dark, messy hair skimmed the tops of her sun-kissed shoulders. Her smile was broad and bright, with nervous anticipation of our next kiss. Her hazel eyes looked into mine before they fell on my lips and back to my eyes again.
We’d been dating for six months and she was the one person in the world who saw me, the real me. I’d spent years carefully constructing the walls around my heart to keep others out, but Taylor refused to walk away. She thought my attitude was endearing and refused to give up on me even when I’d given up on myself.
She was the one person I had, besides my mother, who I could confide in. But we still didn’t talk about my biggest fear, losing the people I loved. It was a cloud that hung over us, drowning even our happiest memories in darkness. There was a reason I was hesitant to let Taylor in. She wasn’t like anyone else I’d met before and her baggage was suffocating.
I kept my fingers tangled in hers, pulling them to my mouth and pressing my lips against the soft skin of her knuckles. Her cheeks blushed as she scrunched up her nose, sucking her lower lip between her teeth and biting down softly.
“I love you,” the words fell out of my mouth without a second thought of the repercussions. She laughed as my eyes widened at my surprise confession. “I can’t believe I just said that,” I rambled, shaking my head and wondering if I could play it off as a joke.
“I already knew.”
“You did?” My eyes locked onto hers again as she nodded, her expression serious now.
“Of course. You didn’t have to say it. I saw it. I felt it. But I’ll take your secrets to my grave. All of them.”
My heart clenched in my chest, tightening like a vice around her words. “Don’t say that, Tay.” A warm tear slide down my cheek into the blanket below my head, but I didn’t attempt to untangle our fingers to wipe it away. I wanted to hang on to her for as long as possible.
“It’s the truth, Kaden.”
“No.” I rolled to my side and placed my palms on either side of her face, holding her just inches from me, her sweet honey-laced sigh engulfing me as her breathing increased. “I want the lie.” There was nothing worse than feeling helpless. I swore I’d never let anyone make me feel this way again, after my father. But here I was, unable to fix things. Unable to fix her. I’d failed as a man and I wasn’t even an adult yet.
Her lips quirked up into a weak smile. “I won’t lie to you, Kaden. We promised that we’d never lie.” Honesty was Taylor’s one condition. We didn’t have time to play games. With all of the adults in her life sugar-coating what was to come, this was all I could give her. Still, it was too much at times.
“Taylor, I need it,” I pleaded, but she shook her head, pressing her eyes closed as her own tears slid from under her long, thick lashes, her breath faltering under the heavy weight of our pain. “Please.”
When her eyes opened, they were red-rimmed and glossed with sadness. Her lips trembled as she told me what I needed to hear in a rushed whisper. “I’m going to marry you, Kaden Harken, down by Willow’s Bend when all of the flowers are in bloom.” Her smile was genuine as she fell into her own fairytale of our future. “I’m gonna wear that church dress you told me made me look like an angel.”
“Marry me now. Here.”
“What? Kaden, we aren’t even old enough.” The corners of her mouth pulled down in a frown. I was irrational, but love did that to people. Taylor understood and she was patient as I struggled to work through the reality of our nonexistent future.
“Just tell me you love me and want to be with me for the rest of my life.”
“Kaden,” the way she said my name burned a hole through my chest that would never heal. “I can only promise you the rest of my own life. But love doesn’t die, even if we do.”
***
August 5, 2015
“Kaden,” A deep voice repeated my name, jolting me from my sleep. My eyes focused on my Uncle Daven, who was standing in the doorway, his brow furrowed in concerns that he wouldn’t voice.
“What?” I groaned, throwing my arm over my eyes and readjusting myself on the bed hoping I could bring Taylor’s vision back to the forefront of my mind.
“Time to get up, ya’. It’s late and I need you to do me a favor.”
“Favor? That doesn’t sound like me.”
“The neighbor needs a ride to ‘da mall in Alexandria.”
“So give him a lift.”
“Her. The pis
chouette[24] across da’ road.”
“That freak who stares out her window at me like she is contemplating skinning me alive and making me into a suit?” I moved my arm and opened one eye to look at him, trying to determine if this was some sort of setup. “What are you doin’?”
He shrugged, raising a steaming mug to his mouth as he took a drink, attempting to conceal his smirk. “She’s a good kid with a good head on her shoulders. She’d be a good influence on you.”
“Way to sell it. All I heard from that is she’s a gap-toothed donkey with no friends. I’m not interested.”
“I’m not asking you to take her to prom. Just drive her around and show her a good time. They keep her locked up over ‘der like a chaoui[25] in a cage. Pauve ti bete[26].”
I sat up, hanging my head in my hands as the pictures of Taylor faded in my memory, replaced by a pulsing headache as I tried to understand the incoherent ramblings of Daven. “No.”
“Co faire? [27]What’s the harm in –”
“No,” I snapped as I glared up at him. He eyed me for a moment before nodding once. “And is it so damn hard for you to speak English? This is America last time I checked.”
“This country was built on the back of immigrants, especially Louisiana. Don’t forget where you came from. Come eat.” His expression was unreadable as he slowly pulled the bedroom door closed, leaving me to wallow in my own self-loathing. How could I forget where I came from? My entire childhood was pure hell.