Shayla’s fingers flew across the keys. She refused to censor herself and knew she’d completely sailed into the realm of commentary and editorial instead of a feature news story.
She didn’t care.
When she finished the story several hours later, a little after five o’clock in the afternoon, she copied and pasted the text into an e-mail to Loren. She included a brief note at the top of the e-mail.
This is a rough draft so please excuse any typos. Please let me know what you think.
S.
She hit send without reading any of it.
Then she went into the bathroom, locked herself in, and threw up before heading home for the day.
* * * *
She somehow made it in to work Tuesday morning despite the horrible headache pounding in her temples. She hadn’t checked her inbox at all after sending Loren the e-mail.
But she’d spent hours cradling her cell phone in her hands and praying Tony would text her.
She couldn’t bring herself to send him a text Monday night. Before she went to bed, she wanted to say Good night, Sir. Or, Sweet dreams, Sir.
Or even, I love You, Sir. Get it out in the open.
Her heart ached, empty over the silence from Tony.
No How are you, pet?
No How’s My pet?
Nothing.
Worse, she knew, would be the pain if she texted him and received no reply.
Or worse still, confirmation that it was truly over between them.
I will not be clingy.
Grateful there wasn’t an editorial meeting Tuesday morning, she stuck to her cubicle and kept her headphones on as she began work on another story due Wednesday afternoon. She checked her e-mail but didn’t see a response from Loren.
At eleven that morning, a tap on her shoulders startled her. She wheeled around to see Loren, Leah, and Tilly standing in the entrance to her cubicle. She pulled her headphones off and started to speak, to ask them what they were doing there.
Instead, her tears flowed.
Loren was the closest and enveloped her in her arms as the other two women also surrounded her. “You’re okay,” she whispered to Shayla. “It’ll be okay.”
That only made her cry harder.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Loren asked.
She shook her head. Someone pressed a tissue into her hand. She blew her nose and tried to pull herself together even though her soul felt ripped loose and adrift.
“Have you heard from Tony at all?” Leah asked.
“No. I guess I don’t expect to because I know he’s super busy right now. The data center they’re setting up, it’s huge. He warned me he probably wouldn’t have any cell reception. It’s okay.” She took a deep breath and sat back as Loren stared down at her.
“We came to take you out to lunch,” Loren said.
“I…I can’t. I’m sorry. Not today.”
“That wasn’t a request,” Tilly snarked. “Unlike these two, I’m not afraid to get toppy on your ass.”
Shayla snorted, which turned into another bout of tears.
“Okay,” Tilly said, nudging Loren out of the way. “That’s it. No arguing. We go to my house for lunch. I’ll text Cris and Landry to scoot their tushies out the door for a couple of hours.”
Leah snickered. “I didn’t know Landry would scoot his tushy for anyone.”
Tilly had pulled out her cell phone. She hit a button on speed dial and put it to her ear. “Yeah, well, he will for me. I’m special.”
Loren laughed. “Special, huh?”
She nodded. “Yeah, those two men aren’t nearly as scary as they think they are. I’m way scarier. Especially this time of the month.”
Minutes later, they’d bustled Shayla down to Tilly’s car and were heading south on US 41 toward Tilly’s. Shayla sat in back with Loren while Tilly drove and Leah rode up front.
“I think you need to contact Tony and ask to talk to him,” Loren said.
“He’s busy. I don’t want to bother him while he’s out of town. He’s working.”
“You’re in a lot of pain, sweetie. I think it’d upset him to know you’re hurting like this.”
“It doesn’t matter. We had an agreement, and he stuck to it. I’m the fucking dumbass that fell in love with him.”
“Does he know you’re in love with him?” Tilly piped up from behind the wheel. “Men aren’t psychic, no matter how good a Dom they might be.”
“Love wasn’t part of the agreement,” Shayla said. “It’s my fault.”
Tilly let out a loud, barking laugh. “Yeah, believe me, I totally get that. That’s how I ended up with Landry and Cris for life. Love wasn’t supposed to be part of our deal, either. Yet there I went and fell in love with the guy, and fell back in love with Cris despite him being a total fucking dumbass sometimes.” At a stoplight, she glanced in the mirror and made eye contact with Shayla. “Unless you speak up and tell him what you feel, you’ll never know if he feels the same way.”
“Wouldn’t he have told me how he feels before now?”
Leah turned in her seat as far as her seat belt would allow. “You have to understand something. Tony is a very honorable guy. From what you told me, that wasn’t part of your original agreement. He might be a sadist, but he’s not going to force himself on someone.”
“But he wouldn’t have been forcing himself on me.”
“You might see it like that, but look at it from his point of view. He sees himself in a position of power over you as your Dominant. He will never do anything that, to him, seems like he’s abusing that power in any way. Okay, yes, sucky timing that he had to go out of town and you two can’t just sit down and talk about this. But you sitting here hurting and not reaching out to him isn’t healthy.”
“If he’d wanted me I’d think he would have spoken up. He’s not exactly bashful. Besides, he said he might be in contact this week.”
“Did he say when?” Loren asked.
Shayla shook her head.
“Did he say you couldn’t text him?” Leah asked.
“No,” Shayla said.
Leah turned to face forward. Shayla saw her doing something and realized she’d pulled out her phone and was sending a text. “What are you doing?” Shayla asked.
“I’m texting Sir Dumbass and telling him to check in with you.”
“Leah, wait. Please don’t. He’s working.”
Leah looked over her shoulder at Shayla. “So? I text him all the time when he’s at work. He texts me back when he can.”
“Please, no. It’s okay. Besides, I know he doesn’t like clingy women. I refuse to be like that. I can tough it out until he gets back.”
“Clingy? One text two days later isn’t clingy,” Loren said.
“I know what Tony’s talking about when he says that,” Leah added. “And believe me, you do not fit his clingy definition.”
Shayla shook her head. “Please, it’s all right. I’ll be okay.”
After looking at her for a moment, Leah turned to Tilly. “What do you think?”
Tilly shrugged. “I don’t know. The Domme and friend part of me says fuck it and chew his ass out. The slave in me understands why Shayla wants to wait him out.”
“Which part is winning?” Leah asked.
“I’m PMSing. Is that really a fair question?”
“We don’t want his balls removed,” Leah joked.
“Or roasted,” Loren added. “And no, we’re not asking Landry to hold him down for us.”
For some reason, that comment made the other three women laugh.
Tilly let out a melodramatic sigh. “You guys are no fun at all.” Tilly glanced in the rearview mirror again. “Sorry, Shay. Long story. We’ll tell you later.”
The women made her lunch, made her talk, and held her while she cried. By the time Tilly finally agreed an hour later to take Shayla back to the office, Shayla did admit she felt a little better after talking to her friends.
They exchan
ged another round of hugs before Shayla headed back upstairs. “Just text him,” Leah said. “Please? It’ll be all right. I’m sure the two of you will work this out. It sounds like you two just need a good, long talk.”
Shayla wasn’t so sure, but nodded for her friends’ benefits. But she didn’t text Tony.
He’s working. I won’t interfere with his work. I’m a big girl. I can wait until he’s back, unless he texts me.
It didn’t stop her from keeping her phone in sight on her desk, next to her computer, and the ringer volume turned up loud.
* * * *
When Shayla’s phone rang that night, her heart jumped. Instinctively, she grabbed it and answered without looking at the screen.
“Hello?”
“Shay?”
She frowned and looked at the screen. That wasn’t Tony’s voice.
The screen read Rat Bastard.
Shit. James.
She took a deep breath, her tone immediately U-turning from warm and hopeful to chilly and neutral. “What do you want?”
Apparently the change in tone didn’t go unnoticed and caught him off guard, too. “Um, I wanted to talk.”
“Why?”
Another moment of silence. “I saw you’ve been getting my checks.”
“Yep.”
She wouldn’t make this easy on him. She refused to.
He certainly hadn’t made her life easy.
Then again, I never would have met Tony.
He sighed on the other end. “Look, I really want to talk to you. I want to tell you how sorry I am.”
“I saw the letters. Thank you.”
More uncomfortable silence. “I’d like to see you.”
“What?” She sat bolt upright, heart pounding. “Look, I have a job. A life. I’m not flying back to Cleveland to have a powwow with you.”
“No! That’s not what I meant. I have to be in Orlando next weekend for meetings. I’d like to get together with you to talk. I looked at the map. I can drive to Sarasota from Orlando in just a couple of hours.”
“That’s not a good idea.”
“Please, Shayla? Just to talk. We can meet at a restaurant, if you want. Somewhere public. I’ll buy. Pick somewhere nice.”
Dammit. Now she wished she’d never given him her address. I should’ve gotten a PO Box. “That’s not necessary.” Why the hell can’t I just tell him to fuck off?
“I’d consider it a favor if you would. I know you don’t owe me anything, but I’d really appreciate it. Please?”
Despite how much she hated what he’d done to her, his plaintive tone of voice killed the animosity she felt toward him. Yes, he’d been a dick. But he was trying to make amends. She probably shouldn’t piss him off in case he decided not to keep paying her back. “I’ve got a lot going on next weekend. I don’t know if I can change my plans. I’ll have to let you know.”
He sounded relieved. “Okay, thanks. I appreciate it.”
“I have to go.” She ended the call and tossed her phone to the other end of the couch. She stared at it, praying James wouldn’t call back.
After a few minutes of silence, she relaxed.
Unfortunately, that same silence only emphasized that Tony hadn’t called or texted her.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tony threw himself into his work upon arriving in Denver. He tried to ignore his personal cell phone and the fact that he didn’t receive any text messages from Shayla. Tuesday morning, he left his personal cell in the hotel room because all day Monday he’d found himself reaching for it every few minutes despite the fact that he had sketchy cell reception, and everything that could go wrong with the install did. Except for fire, flood, nuclear holocaust, and zombie attack, things that shouldn’t go balls-up did just that, requiring every last bit of his attention and energy.
I have to focus on my work.
It irritated him that normally he was a guy who could do just that, stay focused on his work. No matter what was going on around him in his personal life, once he was on the clock, or in work mode, that was it. Nothing blasted him out of that headspace.
Until Shayla.
He had told her he’d be in touch, but he didn’t want to smother her. He also didn’t want to get into an emotional conversation via text and have it blow up in their faces due to a misunderstanding.
And he didn’t want to be left standing there with his dick metaphorically hanging out if she didn’t want a relationship with him after all.
It didn’t escape his notice that the loneliness he’d felt before Shayla had returned with a vengeance.
* * * *
Shayla forced herself to stick to some semblance of a routine even though her heart certainly wasn’t in it. Every day she didn’t hear from Tony hurt her heart that much more, but strengthened her resolve not to embarrass herself by texting him.
Besides, she knew he’d be overwhelmed with work, and the last thing he needed was her whiny ass bothering him. She’d have a talk with him after he got back.
The first weekend was even harder than the Monday after he left. She spent her time wondering what he was doing, what they might have been doing had they still been seeing each other…and what she wished they were doing.
It stunned her to realize she hurt worse now than when she discovered James’ second round of betrayal.
I love him. I love him and don’t even know if I can tell him. Telling him and learning he didn’t feel the same would hurt worse than never telling him at all.
She plodded through the second week by sheer force of will, keeping busy and working long hours, going in early and staying late, taking more assignments than she normally would and busting her ass to do anything but think about Tony Daniels. Leah had elicited a promise from her to come to dinner with them on Saturday and go to a club with them up in Tampa, but she decided she didn’t have the heart to.
That was why she almost didn’t answer her phone when Leah called her as she was getting ready to leave the office late Friday. “How you doing, sweetie?” Leah asked her.
Shayla sighed as she stared at her monitor. “I’ll live. I’m going to cancel on tomorrow night, though.”
“Aww. Are you sure? You can ride with us. We weren’t planning on staying real late. Just going to hang out and watch and visit with friends.”
“No, I’m sure. But thank you anyway.” She ran her finger over the keyboard. “I’m going to shut off my phone after we hang up and keep it off all weekend. I’m going to spend the weekend drowning my sorrows in Guinness and sinfully dark chocolate, watch cheesy B-movies in my jammies, and start Monday fresh with a new attitude and ready to kick ass and take names.”
“Well, call or text me, huh? Let me know you’re okay?”
“Nope. James is in Orlando this weekend on business. I don’t want to do something stupid like pick up the phone and talk to him if he calls, or return any texts.”
“Oh. James as in James the ex?”
“Yep. Him.” She shut down her computer and pushed away from her desk. “He called me a couple of weeks ago. Said he wanted to get together to talk while he was down here. The way I feel right now, I’d be too tempted to do something stupid.”
“Still haven’t heard from Tony, huh?”
“Nope.” She let out a sigh. “Look, I know you really want to, but please don’t say anything to him, okay?” She swallowed back tears when she felt the prickles in her eyes. “He’s made it abundantly clear by his lack of communication that this was just a formal arrangement and not a personal one.” She took a deep breath. “I’m a big girl. I’ve finally got my big-girl panties on and I’m sucking it up and dealing with it. If he wants to talk when he gets back, we will. He stuck to his end of the deal. I’m dang sure not going to be a whiny drama llama.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m going to kick his ass next time I see him.”
“No, please, don’t. Like I said, he didn’t do anything wrong.” She closed her eyes, trying to squeeze back stray tears that
wanted to force their way out. “I’m the one who fell in love with him. This is my problem. He never led me on. I did that to myself just fine without any help from him. I need to go. I’ll talk to you on Monday.”
“Okay. Take care this weekend. Call me if you change your mind about tomorrow.”
Shayla ended the call and immediately shut off her phone. She’d already decided to leave her laptop at the office so she wouldn’t be tempted to check e-mail. She didn’t have a landline, so for the weekend she’d be totally off the grid. If she wanted to buy e-books, she could do that through her Kindle without ever getting on the Internet. She’d leave her cell phone shut off and in the dresser drawer in the bedroom and focus on getting this maudlin mental crap out of her system.
Then she could just move the fuck on with her life.
I hope.
She wasn’t going to delude herself and get her hopes up that Tony wanted more from her.
Wishing for a happy ending had already got her heart broken with James. She wouldn’t embarrass herself like that again.
On the way home, she stopped at the grocery store. She stocked up so she wouldn’t have to leave her apartment. Not that she planned on staying sober long enough to drive for most of the weekend. She might have a hella hangover come Monday morning, but that would help take her mind off the pain in her heart and soul, at least.
* * * *
No matter how many problems Tony settled during the install, new ones seemed to crop up every day. Putting the new data center together was like herding severely ADHD cats in desperate need of high Ritalin doses. Tony worked eighteen-hour days, collapsing late every night in his hotel room and getting up early every morning to do it all over again. He left his private cell phone in the hotel room where it eventually shut down due to a dead battery.
He didn’t have time to think about Shayla or her absence in his life.