Maybe this will be my last journal entry for a while. Or maybe not. I need to talk to my brother. Badly.
February 20th, 1991
I tried to approach my brother today. It didn't quite work out the way that I had planned it. The first time that I had tried to talk to him, I found out that the one woman I never wanted to see has taken residence in his house. She lives there now, I guess. I saw her sipping on some wine at ten in the morning. I thought that maybe my brother would have been home. It was the weekend, he never works during the weekend. At least, usually he doesn't work Sundays. Most of the time. Unless if there is a huge brush fire. Then he would be gone from two weeks to two months trying to put them out.
The next time that I had tried to see him, it wasn't him at the house. Instead, it was his friend. And with him was my brother's girlfriend. They were fighting. It was loud. I have never seen that man get so angry before. And I have watched him work before. He is always calm and collected with everything that he does. When I saw his green eyes ablaze with anger, I couldn't stop myself from jumping back and away from where I was watching everything. I kept hearing shallow bitch come out of his mouth. I had to keep myself from laughing.
I was almost caught the next time. My brother's girlfriend had stormed out of the place hours after the fight. I stayed where I was hiding. I had heard a door open and slam shut. I thought that I was safe. My plan would go smoothly. Slowly I would creep into his house, find my way to his living room, put the book on a table and wait for him so we can properly talk. Instead, I came face to face with his friend.
He's much taller up close.
Apparently he had only opened up the door to check and see if the bitch girlfriend had left. After that, he went on with his way of raiding my brother's fridge. I had walked in at the time when he was just biting into a sandwich. His shocked expression reflected my own. There was only one thing I could do was run. I dropped the book and bolted out of the house. I rounded a corner and changed into a squirrel. It was all I could think of. I hid in a tree and watched his friend run out of the house looking for me. He had forgotten that he was still eating the sandwich, for it was still gripped tightly in his mouth. He took a big bite of it before he went back into the house.
My brother arrived an hour later. His friend came out of the house, shouting about a girl.
“Girl?” my brother asked.
“Yeah. The strangest thing is that she was pretty much a female carbon copy of you,” said his friend. He waved the book around in front of my brother's face. “And she dropped this before she bolted. I thought that I could have caught her, but when I went to follow her, she just sort of. . . vanished.”
“How weird.”
There was a silence before his friend approached my brother and flicked at his hair. It was reaching to the tips of earlobes now.
“Hey, what's this? Are you trying to steal my look? Because I'm the only one who can pull it off.”
“Knock it off, Lionel. I just so happen to like my hair a little longer.”
“Uh huh, sure. You are so full of shit.”
I watched in amusement as the two of them bickered back and forth, laughing the whole time. I had never seen my brother so happy before. Sure, the Freak Show Circus was our home, but he never truly enjoyed the job. I thought that at least he was happy there. Seeing with his friend, I've come to realize that he was happy in the human world, acting like a human, being a human.
Maybe I shouldn't even try to bother him with my questions. He might not want to answer them in the end.
I stayed there longer than what I had planned. I watched my brother as he talked with his friend. They argued at times, mainly about his girlfriend, but they quickly made up and would go on to talking about other things. The conversation would always turn back to their jobs, no matter how far the conversation steered clear of it. It was interesting. My brother had never been the talkative one. I really should just accidentally run into this man at some point. I need to tell him thank you. Give him a hug. Maybe talk to him like I'm not a child but an actual adult.
It was close to midnight by the time his friend left. Even so, they stopped to chat one last time before he finally. He gave my brother a punch in the arm and told him that he should dump that plastic thing and find himself a real girlfriend. My brother only laughed it off. Even though my brother went back inside, he came outside shortly after and scowled in my general direction.
“I know you are out there, Mary,” he called out. “You better come to me and tell me what is going on.”
I refused to move. My body was pinned to the tree in my squirrel form. But I had to admit, I was getting tired and I wanted to change back into a human. Or maybe something that was less demanding to change into. I had been sleeping in the form of a wolf to help make sure I wasn't going get all kinked up from the rocky and harsh terrain.
He sighed. He shifted his body as if he was going to go back inside but instead he shifted his body and turned back towards me. “I miss you. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I know we are different, but. . . sometimes I miss my baby sister.”
After that, he finally went inside. I watched from my perch as he went around the house. He first went into the kitchen and got himself a glass of scotch. After that he sat in his chair and read a book while shipping away at it. After that, he turned off all of the lights and went to bed. By then, it was already five in the morning.
Before I left, I found a spot to watch him from his window of his bedroom. He was still up. Instead of sleeping he was quickly scrawling something down on a piece of paper. I watched him closely.
Mary, the note said, I know you are watching. I left my book that I studied from in my old house. I saw that it was gone. I hope it was in your possession and not someone else's. Please come and see me sometime soon. We have lots to catch up on.
I almost cried reading the note. I had to leave before I ended up busting down his door to talk to him. Instead I sat in the woods, holding the book as I fell asleep to the sun rising in the sky.
March 12th, 1991
My brother is dead. I can't believe it at all. He had been hit by a vehicle when he was walking across the street. The driver of the vehicle had said that his brakes suddenly weren't working. My brother's friend had apparently witnessed it all. But as he retells the incident to those who were at the funeral, I had to investigate something. Inside of his house was something I wished I hadn't of found.
His necklace.
My brother was an idiot and decided to take off his necklace. While I was able to keep my distance for the whole event, I decided to follow my brother's friend around in small animal form to see if there was going be anything huge to happen.
He is currently sitting in an attorney's office with my brother's former girlfriend. The two of them were fighting already.
“Of course I'm going to get everything! He has no living family members, you know. I am the closest thing that he has to family.” She started waving a fan in front of her full make up face with terrible dark brown eyeshadow and eyeliner that she must have put on to look thick but made her look like she was a raccoon. Her red lipstick was stuck to her teeth. And worst of all was that she had that ridiculous looking jacket—or whatever it was—on.
“You are nothing but a filthy whore who deserves nothing from him,” he hissed. “His money and his house should go towards those who need it. And I'm sure that his one aunt that he has mentioned countless of times is still alive. He talked about her too much for her to be dead. He had new stories almost every week about her. You aren't getting anything.”
Does he mean Aunt Sherry? Nope, she's been dead for at least six years. But she was an awesome aunt.
A lawyer took the time to sit down and talk to them at that moment. He had an envelope in his hands. The two other members there quickly became quiet, but were also impatient. At least, my brother's girlfriend was. Her long fingernails were tapping against the table and she was scowling at the man the who
le time.
“What does the stupid will say?” she snapped.
“It is plain and short. 'This will is created in case I pass on young. Many things will be unclear to those I have become close with, but there is only one person I can trust any and all of my secrets to. Sarah, while we have dated for some time now, I don't believe you deserve anything from me. Now, if you could, please leave the office.” The lawyer paused, looking at my brother's girlfriend.
She gave a loud huff and stormed off in rage. In her storm of teenage hormonal girl fits, she knocked over an innocent potted plant.
“It goes on from there,” the lawyer said, clearing his throat. “'Now, hopefully she has left without any problems. If she doesn't, please call security and don't continue until she has left completely. To Lionel, my nearest and dearest friend, I want to give him everything I have possessed. My house, which contains more than what you could ever think. My car, which I hope will take you to many places. My motorcycle, because maybe you'll find some decent girl that is your type. My life was full of secrets before I became the person that I once was. I want you to read my books. I want you to learn all of my secrets. And not only that.”
The lawyer paused, frowning at the page.
“What does it say?” Lionel asked.
“Well, it's a bit strange.”
“Please, go on.”
“I want you to find my sister. Protect her. Please, she was the last of my family. I know that she is capable of handling herself, but I fear for her life. I didn't just die, Lionel. I was killed. My sister holds all of my answers.”
I fled before I saw his reaction.
November 3rd, 1994
The site of my brother's grave was empty. There were only a few plots that had their own little gravestone. My brother had a lavish one. It was created so that it would take over two hundred years to weather away. Funny how my brother had a great gravestone when in the end, only two people are still alive who remember him, and before the stone withers away to nothing, those people will be gone.
So far it hasn't snowed yet, but I was shaking as I stood in front of my brother's gravestone. It was both because of anger and because of the cold. I haven't had proper gear for this weather in a long time. Most of the time I just change into a bear and hibernate during this time of the year. It's a new habit that I'm starting to really like. However, today it just didn't feel right to change at all. Lately I haven't been able to transform into any sort of animal without feeling a wave of sadness or remorse.
“I miss you,” I squeaked out. My own voice, dry and harsh from not being used in years, surprised me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a human.
The tears quickly came after that.
It began to snow. How fitting, right? Usually you think of rain associated with the death of a loved one, but now it is snow. Romantic, sweet. So fucking cold. Even though I was shivering harder, I couldn't pull myself away from brother's grave. It just didn't feel right to leave. The animal instincts that have been able to hone in on were acting strangely. They brought me here. They made me stay rooted to my spot. But why? Why was it suddenly so important to stay this time? I have passed by the grave many times in the past few years, and yet this time it didn't feel right to just leave. Even with the snow coming down hard enough to cake the land in its bitterness.
“Who are you?”
The voice made me jump. I did the first thing that I felt like I should do. I ran. I ran fast and hard through the graveyard and then through the shrubs and sharp needle bushes and through the trees before I came across my cave and changed into my familiar gray wolf shape.
The person had followed me. I saw them follow my tracks that just so happened to stop right in front of the den. I recognized who it was, though. Lionel was looking frantically around. His hair had grown a little longer since the last time I had seen him. He was still in his police uniform. Did he visit my brother's grave during his break?
“Mary? Mary, please, please tell me you are in there,” he called out, his voice echoing in my den. “I need to talk to you. Can I come in? Please, speak to me. It's about your brother.”
I growled at that moment. Lionel took a few steps back before looking for his flashlight. With a flick of his hand, the light bulb lit up and blinded me.
“Just a wolf,” he whispered. He peered at me closely. “A wolf with really blue eyes.”
“Mary!” he called again. “Mary, are you out here?”
Is he talking to me? Is my name Mary? I can't seem to remember my human name. The other wolves call me Wind. I am not Mary. My name is Wind. This man needs to go away now!
I growled again, moving closer to Lionel.
“Okay, okay.” He put his hands up defensively. “I'm going away now. Don't worry at all. I just really wished that Mary was still around, because I really needed to talk to her about Kyle.”
I perked up at my brother's name. I watched him leave in a hurry. When he got far enough away, I began to follow him.
That man is the only connection I have left to my brother. I fear he may continue to search for me no matter what I do. One day I may end up getting sloppy and changing into a form while there is fresh snow on the ground. He would notice the difference in the shapes of each foot.
Besides, I felt a strange connection to him. I was drawn to him even though I didn't want to be.
Maybe he already knows information on me that I have forgotten. Maybe he knows what the human me is like.
Because I'm starting to forget.
The rest of the writing becomes illegible besides one date with one line that seems to be forced to be written in big, bold letters.
May 23rd, 1995
I'm going to talk to him.
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