CHAPTER XIII
{Not particularly attracted by the poultry: p96.jpg}
I have been studying _The Young Poultry Keeper's Friend_ of late. Ifthere is anything I dislike and deplore, it is the possession ofknowledge which I cannot put to practical use. Having discovered aninteresting disease called Scaly Leg in the July number, I took themagazine out into the poultry-yard and identified the malady on threehens and a cock. Phoebe joined me in the diagnosis and we treated thevictims with a carbolic lotion and scrubbed them with vaseline.
{Leaned languidly against the netting: p97.jpg}
As Phoebe and I grow wise in medical lore the case of Cannibal Annassumes a different aspect. As the bibulous man quaffs more and moreflagons of beer and wine when his daily food is ham, salt fish, andcabbage, so does the hen avenge her wrongs of diet and woes ofenvironment. Cannibal Ann, herself, has, so far as we know, been raisedin a Christian manner and enjoyed all the advantages of modern methods;but her maternal parent may have lived in some heathen poultry-yard whichwas asphalted or bricked or flagged, so that she was debarred fromscratching in Mother Earth and was forced to eat her own shells in self-defence.
* * * * *
The Square Baby is not particularly attracted by the poultry as a whole,save when it is boiled with bacon or roasted with bread-sauce; but he ismuch interested in the "invaleeds." Whenever Phoebe and I start for thehospital with the tobacco-pills, the tin of paraffin, and the bottle ofoil, he is very much in evidence. Perhaps he has a natural leaningtoward the medical profession; at any rate, when pain and anguish wringthe brow, he is in close attendance upon the ministering angels.
{Staggered and reeled: p98.jpg}
Now it is necessary for the physician to have practice as well as theory,so the Square Baby, being left to himself this afternoon, proceeded toperfect himself in some of the healing arts used by countrypractitioners.
{Caught her son red-handed: p99.jpg}
When discovered, he was seated in front of the wire-covered "run"attached to a coop occupied by the youngest goslings. A couple ofbottles and a box stood by his side, and I should think he hadadministered a cup of sweet oil, a pint of paraffin, and a quarter of apound of tobacco during his clinic. He had used the remediesimpartially, sometimes giving the paraffin internally and rubbing thepatient's head with tobacco or oil, sometimes the reverse.
Several goslings leaned languidly against the netting, or supportedthemselves by the edge of the water-dish, while others staggered andreeled about with eyes half closed.
{He was treated summarily and smartly: p100.jpg}
It was Mrs. Heaven who caught her son red-handed, so to speak. She wasdressed in her best, and just driving off to Woodmucket to spend a day ortwo with her married daughter, and soothe her nerves with the uproarincident to a town of six hundred inhabitants. She delayed her journey ahalf-hour--long enough, in fact, to change her black silk waist for aloose sacque which would give her arms full and comfortable play. Thejoy and astonishment that greeted the Square Baby on his advent, fiveyears ago, was forgotten for the first time in his brief life, and he wastreated precisely as any ordinary wrongdoer would have been treated underthe same circumstances, summarily and smartly; the "wepping," as Phoebewould say, being Mrs. Heaven's hand.
All but one of the goslings lived, like thousands of others who recoverin spite of the doctors, but the Square Baby's interest in the healingart is now perceptibly lessened.
CHAPTER XIV
July 18th.
The day was Friday; Phoebe's day to go to Buffington with eggs andchickens and rabbits; her day to solicit orders for ducklings andgoslings. The village cart was ready in the stable; Mr. and Mrs. Heavenwere in Woodmucket; I was eating my breakfast (which I remember was anegg and a rasher) when Phoebe came in, a figure of woe.
The Square Baby was ill, very ill, and would not permit her to leave himand go to market. Would I look at him? For he must have dowsed 'imselfas well as the goslings yesterday; anyways he was strong of paraffin andtobacco, though he 'ad 'ad a good barth.
I prescribed for Albert Edward, who was as uncomfortable and feverish asany little sinner in the county of Sussex, and I then promptly proposedgoing to Buffington in Phoebe's place.
She did not think it at all proper, and said that, notwithstanding mycotton gown and sailor hat, I looked quite, quite the lydy, and it wouldnever do.
"I cannot get any new orders," said I, "but I can certainly leave therabbits and eggs at the customary places. I know Argent's DiningParlours, and Songhurst's Tea Rooms, and the Six Bells Inn, as well asyou do."
{The Six Bells found the last poultry somewhat tough: p103.jpg}
So, donning a pair of Phoebe's large white cotton gloves with open-workwrists (than which I always fancy there is no one article that sodisguises the perfect lydy), I set out upon my travels, upborne by alively sense of amusement that was at least equal to my feeling that Iwas doing Phoebe Heaven a good turn.
Prices in dressed poultry were fluctuating, but I had a copy of _TheTrade Review_, issued that very day, and was able to get some idea ofvalues and the state of the market as I jogged along. The generalmovement, I learned, was moderate and of a "selective" character. Choicelarge capons and ducks were in steady demand, but I blushed for myprofession when I read that roasting chickens were running coarse,staggy, and of irregular value. Old hens were held firmly at sixpence,and it is my experience that they always have to be, at whatever price.Geese were plenty, dull, and weak. Old cocks,--why don't they sayroosters?--declined to threepence ha'penny on Thursday in sympathy withfowls,--and who shall say that chivalry is dead? Turkeys were a triflesteadier, and there was a speculative movement in limed eggs. All thiswas illuminating, and I only wished I were quite certain whether thesympathetic old roosters were threepence ha'penny apiece, or a pound.
{The gadabout hen: p105.jpg}
Everything happened as it should, on this first business journey of mylife, which is equivalent to saying that nothing happened at all.Songhurst's Tea Rooms took five dozen eggs and told me to bring six dozenthe next week. Argent's Dining Parlours purchased three pairs ofchickens and four rabbits. The Six Bells found the last poultry somewhattough and tasteless; whereupon I said that our orders were more than wecould possibly fill, still I hoped we could go on "selling them," as wenever liked to part with old customers, no matter how many new ones therewere. Privately, I understood the complaint only too well, for I knewthe fowls in question very intimately. Two of them were the runawayrooster and the gadabout hen that never wanted to go to bed with theothers. The third was Cannibal Ann. I should have expected them to betough, but I cannot believe they were lacking in flavour.
The only troublesome feature of the trip was that Mrs. Sowerbutt'slodgers had suddenly left for London and she was unable to take the fourrabbits as she had hoped; but as an offset to that piece of ill-fortunethe Coke and Coal Yard and the Bicycle Repairing Rooms came out into thestreet, and, stepping up to the trap, requested regular weekly deliveriesof eggs and chickens, and hoped that I would be able to bring themmyself. And so, in a happy frame of mind, I turned out of the Buffingtonmain street, and was jogging along homeward, when a very startling thinghappened; namely, a whole verse of the Bailiff's Daughter of Islington:--
"And as she went along the high road, The weather being hot and dry, She sat her down upon a green bank, And her true love came riding by."
That true lovers are given to riding by, in ballads, I know very well,but I hardly supposed they did so in real life, especially when everyprecaution had been taken to avert such a catastrophe. I had told theBarbury Green postmistress, on the morning of my arrival, not to give theThornycroft address to anybody whatsoever, but finding, as the dayspassed, that no one was bold enough or sensible enough to ask for it, Ihaughtily withdrew my prohibition. About this time I began sendingenvelopes, carefully addressed in a feigned hand, to a certain person atthe Oxenbridge Hydro. These envelopes contained no word of writing,
butheld, on one day, only a bit of down from a hen's breast, on another, agoose-quill, on another, a glossy tail-feather, on another, a grain ofcorn, and so on. These trifles were regarded by me not as degrading orunmaidenly hints and suggestions, but simply as tests of intelligence.Could a man receive tokens of this sort and fail to put two and twotogether? I feel that I might possibly support life with a domineeringand autocratic husband,--and there is every prospect that I shall becalled upon to do so,--but not with a stupid one. Suppose one werelinked for ever to a man capable of asking,--"Did _you_ send thosefeathers? . . . How was I to guess? . . . How was a fellow to know theycame from you? . . . What on earth could I suppose they meant? . . . Whatclue did they offer me as to your whereabouts? . . . Am I a SherlockHolmes?"--No, better eternal celibacy than marriage with such a being!
{She was unable to take the four rabbits: p107.jpg}
These were the thoughts that had been coursing through my goose-girl mindwhile I had been selling dressed poultry, but in some way they had notprepared me for the appearance of the aforesaid true love.
To see the very person whom one has left civilisation to avoid is alwaysmore or less surprising, and to make the meeting less likely, Buffingtonis even farther from Oxenbridge than Barbury Green. The creature waswell mounted (ominous, when he came to override my caprice!) and helooked bigger, and, yes, handsomer, though that doesn't signify, andstill more determined than when I saw him last; although goodness knowsthat timidity and feebleness of purpose were not in striking evidence onthat memorable occasion. I had drawn up under the shade of a treeostensibly to eat some cherries, thinking that if I turned my face away Imight pass unrecognised. It was a stupid plan, for if I had whipped upthe mare and driven on, he of course, would have had to follow, and hehas too much dignity and self-respect to shriek recriminations into awoman's ear from a distance.
{The creature was well mounted: p109.jpg}
He approached with deliberation, reined in his horse, and lifted his hatceremoniously. He has an extremely shapely head, but I did not show thatthe sight of it melted in the least the ice of my resolve; whereupon wetalked, not very freely at first,--men are so stiff when they considerthemselves injured. However, silence is even more embarrassing thanconversation, so at length I begin:--
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"It is a lovely day."
_True Love_.--"Yes, but the drought is getting rather oppressive, don'tyou think?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"The crops certainly need rain, and the feed isbecoming scarce."
_True Love_.--"Are you a farmer's wife?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Oh no! that is a promotion to look forward to; Iam now only a Goose Girl."
_True Love_.--"Indeed! If I wished to be severe I might remark: that Iam sure you have found at last your true vocation!"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"It was certainly through no desire to please_you_ that I chose it."
_True Love_.--"I am quite sure of that! Are you staying in this part?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Oh no! I live many miles distant, over anextremely rough road. And you?"
_True Love_.--"I am still at the Hydropathic; or at least my luggage isthere."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"It must be very pleasant to attract you so long."
_True Love_.--"Not so pleasant as it was."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"No? A new proprietor, I suppose."
_True Love_.--"No; same proprietor; but the house is empty."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (yawning purposely).--"That is strange; the hotelsare usually so full at this season. Why did so many leave?"
_True Love_.--"As a matter of fact, only one left. 'Full' and 'empty'are purely relative terms. I call a hotel full when it has you in it,empty when it hasn't."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (dying to laugh, but concealing her feelings).--"Itrust my bulk does not make the same impression on the general public!Well, I won't detain you longer; good afternoon; I must go home to myevening work."
_True Love_.--"I will accompany you."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"If you are a gentleman you will remain where youare."
_True Love_.--"In the road? Perhaps; but if I am a man I shall followyou; they always do, I notice. What are those foolish bundles in theback of that silly cart?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Feed for the pony, please, sir; fish for dinner;randans and barley meal for the poultry; and four unsold rabbits.Wouldn't you like them? Only one and sixpence apiece. Shot at threeo'clock this morning."
_True Love_.--"Thanks; I don't like mine shot so early."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Oh, well! doubtless I shall be able to dispose ofthem on my way home, though times is 'ard!"
_True Love_.--"Do you mean that you will "peddle" them along the road?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"You understand me better than usual,--in fact toperfection."
He dismounts and strides to the back of the cart, lifts the covers,seizes the rabbits, flings some silver contemptuously into the basket,and looks about him for a place to bury his bargain. A small boyapproaching in the far distance will probably bag the game.
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (modestly).--"Thanks for your trade, sir, ratherungraciously bestowed, and we 'opes for a continuance of your pastfyvors."
_True Love_ (leaning on the wheel of the trap).--"Let us stop thisnonsense. What did you hope to gain by running away?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Distance and absence."
_True Love_.--"You knew you couldn't prevent my offering myself to yousometime or other."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Perhaps not; but I could at least defer it,couldn't I?"
_True Love_.--"Why postpone the inevitable?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Doubtless I shrank from giving you the pain of arefusal."
_True Love_.--"Perhaps; but do you know what I suspect?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"I'm not a suspicious person, thank goodness!"
_True Love_.--"That, on the contrary, you are wilfully withholding fromme the joy of acceptance."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"If I intended to accept you, why did I run away?"
_True Love_.--"To make yourself more desirable and precious, I suppose."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (with the most confident coquetry).--"Did Isucceed?"
_True Love_.--"No; you failed utterly."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (secretly piqued).--"Then I am glad I tried it."
_True Love_.--"You couldn't succeed because you were superlativelydesirable and precious already; but you should never have experimented.Don't you know that Love is a high explosive?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Is it? Then it ought always to be labelled'dangerous,' oughtn't it? But who thought of suggesting matches? I'msure I didn't!"
_True Love_.--"No such luck; I wish you would."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"According to your theory, if you apply a match toLove it is likely to 'go off.'"
_True Love_.--"I wish you would try it on mine and await the result. Comenow, you'll have to marry somebody, sometime."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"I confess I don't see the necessity."
_True Love_ (morosely).--"You're the sort of woman men won't leave inundisturbed spinsterhood; they'll keep on badgering you."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Oh, I don't mind the badgering of a number ofmen; it's rather nice. It's the one badger I find obnoxious."
_True Love_ (impatiently).--"That's just the perversity of things. Icould put a stop to the protestations of the many; I should like nothingbetter--but the pertinacity of the one! Ah, well! I can't drop thatwithout putting an end to my existence."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (politely).--"I shouldn't think of suggestinganything so extreme."
_True Love_ (quoting).--"'Mrs. Hauksbee proceeded to take the conceit outof Pluffles as you remove the ribs of an umbrella before re-covering.'However, you couldn't ask me anything seriously that I wouldn't do, dearMistress Perversity."
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (yielding a point).--"I'll put that boldly to theproof. S
ay you don't love me!"
_True Love_ (seizing his advantage).--"I don't! It's imbecile andbesotted devotion! Tell me, when may I come to take you away?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_ (sighing).--"It's like asking me to leave Heaven."
{Phoebe and Gladwish: p115.jpg}
_True Love_.--"I know it; she told me where to find you,--Thornycroft isthe seventh poultry-farm I've visited,--but you could never leave Heaven,you can't be happy without poultry, why that is a wish easily gratified.I'll get you a farm to-morrow; no, it's Saturday, and the real estateoffices close at noon, but on Monday, without fail. Your ducks andgeese, always carrying it along with you. All you would have to do is toadmit me; Heaven is full of twos. If you shall swim on a crystallake--Phoebe told me what a genius you have for getting them out of themuddy pond; she was sitting beside it when I called, her hand in that ofa straw-coloured person named Gladwish, and the ground in her vicinitycompletely strewn with votive offerings. You shall splash your silversea with an ivory wand; your hens shall have suburban cottages, each withits garden; their perches shall be of satin-wood and their water dishesof mother-of-pearl. You shall be the Goose Girl and I will be the SwanHerd--simply to be near you--for I hate live poultry. Dost like thepicture? It's a little like Claude Melnotte's, I confess. The fact is Iam not quite sane; talking with you after a fortnight of the tabbies atthe Hydro is like quaffing inebriating vodka after Miffin's Food! May Icome to-morrow?"
_Bailiffs Daughter_ (hedging).--"I shall be rather busy; the CrossedMinorca hen comes off to-morrow."
_True Love_.--"Oh, never mind! I'll take her off to-night when I escortyou to the farm; then she'll get a day's advantage."
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"And rob fourteen prospective chicks of a mother;nay, lose the chicks themselves? Never!"
_True Love_.--"So long as you are a Goose Girl, does it make anydifference whose you are? Is it any more agreeable to be Mrs. Heaven'sGoose Girl than mine?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"Ah! but in one case the term of service islimited; in the other, permanent."
_True Love_.--"But in the one case you are the slave of the employer, inthe other the employer of the slave. Why did you run away?"
_Bailiff's Daughter_.--"A man's mind is too dull an instrument to measurea woman's reason; even my own fails sometimes to deal with all itsdelicate shades; but I think I must have run away chiefly to taste thepleasure of being pursued and brought back. If it is necessary to yourhappiness that you should explore all the Bluebeard chambers of my being,I will confess further that it has taken you nearly three weeks toaccomplish what I supposed you would do in three days!"
_True Love_ (after a well-spent interval).--"To-morrow, then; shall wesay before breakfast? All, do! Why not? Well, then, immediately afterbreakfast, and I breakfast at seven nowadays, and sometimes earlier. Dotake off those ugly cotton gloves, dear; they are five sizes too largefor you, and so rough and baggy to the touch!"
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