"That's the way it's done. A broken engagement is always said to be the lady's choice, to protect her reputation. It was the decent thing to do."
"Decent. Of all the people in the world, you would be decent to her."
"At the time, I believed she deserved it. And I cared about her."
She stumbled back a step, blinking the wetness from her thick, dark lashes.
Ash, you idiot. That was the worst possible thing to say.
"Her family desperately wanted the connection, the title. And my money, of course. She was willing to go through with it, for them. Despite her personal . . . reluctance."
"Reluctance" was the gentler word. The more accurate one was "revulsion."
"I cared enough about her not to force her into a marriage she didn't want. I cared for my pride, as well. I didn't want a wife who wept every time I bedded her. I didn't want to listen as she vomited into a basin afterwards."
"She wouldn't have--"
"Yes, she would have done so."
She had done so.
He'd kept his intended bride at bay for months after his return to England. Nearly a year passed before he permitted her to see him. By then, he'd regained the strength to stand, and his open wounds had thickened to scars.
Even so, the horror and disgust on her face as she beheld him . . . It was etched in his memory, carved into his very bones. She'd run from the room, but not far enough. He could hear her every heaving retch as her stomach emptied, and her every sob as her brother tried to comfort her in the corridor.
I can't, she'd said. I can't.
You must, he'd replied.
The duke will expect an heir. How could I bear to lie with . . . with that?
With "that," she said.
Not with "him."
With "that."
Ash had prepared himself for her visit, or so he'd believed. He thought he'd steeled his pride sufficiently against a horrified reaction, the reluctant agreement of a joyless bride.
He'd been wrong. Her words had gutted him. He was not even a man anymore. He was a "that."
"Do you want the truth, Emma?"
The lift of her shoulders was more shiver than shrug. "Why not? We have always had honesty, if nothing else."
"The truth is this." He took her in his arms. "I cared for Annabelle Worthing's feelings more than I cared for yours."
She sobbed and struggled. "Then let me go."
"I'd sooner die." He lashed his right arm around her waist and used his good hand to cup her chin, tilting her face to his. Holding it tight, forbidding her to turn away. "Look at me."
She sniffed, blinking away the rain.
He gripped her chin and gave her head a little shake. "Damn it, Emma. Look at me."
Look at me. Look at me. Because you're the only one who does. Likely the only one who ever will.
At last, her dark eyes tipped up to meet his.
The wounded look in her gaze . . . it clubbed him like a cudgel made of shame. Closing his eyes, he framed her face between his hands. He pressed his forehead to hers, sheltering her face from the rain.
"No, Emma. I didn't care for your feelings. It didn't matter if you wanted me or if you didn't. I didn't have the patience for courtship, couldn't take the time to make you feel brave and witty and pretty and intelligent, and all the things I adored about you from the first. I certainly didn't have the decency to let you walk away. I cared only for myself. Do you hear me? I only knew I had to have you."
Not only have her, but keep her. Make her his own.
Even now, the thought of letting her walk away . . . he couldn't bear it.
No.
He wouldn't allow it.
This wasn't tenderness that filled him with a fiery resolve. It was possession. Pure, raw, wild. If she could glimpse the brutish, primal impulses coursing through him, she would run like a rabbit flees a ravening wolf.
And he would catch her.
"You're mine," he said hoarsely, lifting his head and staring deep into her eyes, willing her to believe. "If you leave, I will follow. Do you hear me? I will follow and find you and cart you home."
Lightning flashed, slicing through the dark. For the briefest of moments, everything was bright and clear. The alley around them, the sky above. The space between her body and his, and every emotion she wore so bravely on her face.
Just before they lost the moment to darkness, he crushed his mouth to hers in a desperate kiss.
Then the force of thunder exploded through him, splitting him into a thousand pieces--some of which were surely driven into her, embedded as deeply as the metal shards that lodged beneath his scarred flesh. Impossible to retrieve.
Yes, she was his. But bits of him were hers now, too. No matter how deeply he kissed her, he would never get them back.
He made the futile attempt anyway, clutching her tight. Her arms went around his neck, pulling him down. Her lips softened and parted as she opened to him. Welcomed him.
A deep, grateful moan rose from his chest. He deepened the kiss, stroking her tongue with his. He couldn't get enough of her. He'd run his tongue over every inch of her body, but he'd never tasted her this way. A sweetness like cool, fresh water mingled with the salt of tears.
Oh, Emma. You beautiful, addled thing.
Only a fool would weep over him.
He kissed her cheeks, her jawline, her neck--kissing away her every tear. And then, suddenly, she was returning the gesture, tugging him down and pressing her lips to his face. She kissed his lips. She kissed his nose. She kissed his ear and his neck and both of his trembling eyelids.
She kissed his twisted, monstrous scars.
Time stopped. The raindrops seemed to hang in the air. For this moment, there was no before and no after. There was only now, and now was everything.
"Emma."
"I . . ." She blinked a few times. "I . . ."
His mind completed her interrupted thought in a dozen dangerous ways. Don't be stupid, he told himself. She could have all manner of things to tell him. It could be anything.
I . . . have a pebble in my shoe.
I . . . want a pony.
I . . . would do murder for a cup of tea right now.
Very well, Emma would never say that last. Probably not the second, either. But she absolutely, positively was not going to say that other thing. The-Thing-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. Or Thought, or Uttered, or, heaven forfend, Hoped.
"Ash, I think I--"
His heart thrashed in his chest.
Get to it, woman. This is agony.
Instead of putting an end to his torture, his bride of convenience did the worst, most inconvenient thing.
She went limp in his arms, fainting dead away.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Emma could not have been insensible more than a few seconds, but by the time she came back to her surroundings, he had lifted her off her feet and into his arms. Her head was tucked against his broad chest, and he'd wrapped his cape about her shoulders. The familiar scent of him anchored her. Cologne, shaving soap, the leather of his gloves.
If he was still recovering strength in his injured arm, she would never have known it now. He held her in an iron grip and covered the ground in brisk, determined strides. Beneath the layers of his waistcoat and shirt, she could hear his heartbeat, steady and strong.
By contrast, she felt weak. She couldn't seem to stop shivering.
"I'm better now," she said, trying to brace her chattering teeth.
"No, you're not."
"You can put me down. I can walk." She wasn't certain she could walk for long, or in an especially straight line, but she would try. "It was only a wobble."
He didn't even deign to answer. He merely carried her down the way, until they emerged onto a wider street. He had not gone thirty paces before he kicked open a door and hefted her through it, ducking his own head and taking care to guard hers.
They'd entered some sort of inn, Emma gathered, piecing the observations together in her h
azy mind. Not a fine sort of inn. Nor even a particularly clean sort of inn.
"Show us to a room."
The innkeeper stared, slack-jawed, at the duke. A cluster of patrons drinking in the public room fell silent.
A woman emerging from a back room with two trenchers of stewed beef shrieked and dropped her cargo. "Jayzus."
The duke had no patience for their gawking. He shifted Emma's weight to his good arm and reached into his pocket with his free hand. Having fished out a coin, he tossed it onto the countertop. A gold sovereign. Sufficient tariff to let every bedroom in the inn for weeks.
"A room," he barked. "Your best. Now."
"Y-yes, milord." The innkeeper's hands shook as he retrieved a key from a hook. "This way."
Ash insisted on carrying her as they followed the innkeeper up a steep, narrow staircase. The innkeeper showed them to a room toward the back. "Best room, milord," he said, opening the door. "It even 'as a window."
"Coal. Blankets. Tea. And be quick about it."
"Yes, milord." The door swung shut.
"This isn't necessary," Emma murmured. "We can surely take the carriage home."
"Out of the question. At this time of night, with the theaters emptying, we could be stalled in the streets for an hour or more." He still hadn't put her down.
She craned her neck to look up at him. "That doesn't matter. What's an hour?"
"Sixty minutes too many," he said testily. "You are wet, and you are cold. You don't like being cold. Therefore, I despise you being cold. I would go about murdering raindrops and setting fire to the clouds, but that would take slightly more than an hour. Perhaps even two. So we're here, and you will cease complaining about it."
His words kindled a flame of warmth inside her. She closed her eyes and buried her face in his chest.
Thank you. You terrible, impossible man. Thank you.
The innkeeper returned, loaded down with the demanded items: a scuttle of coal and tinderbox, and a stack of folded wool blankets. "My girl will be up wi' the tea directly."
"Good. Now get out."
"Milord, if I might ask a question, might you happen to be--"
Ash kicked the door shut. He drew the room's lone chair away from the wall, and gingerly lowered Emma unto on it. "Can you sit? You won't swoon again?"
"I don't think so."
He heaped coal in the hearth and packed the open spaces with tinder, then sparked an ember with the flint, blowing on it patiently until a true flame took hold. Then he turned to the blankets and unfolded one, inspecting the rough wool.
He flung it aside. "Filthy and hopping with fleas." He looked about the room, though there was nothing much to see. "We'll do it this way."
He flicked the cape and spread it outside-down over the stained straw mattress. The heavy outer layer of wool had done its duty, preserving the lining from damp. The result was a bed of rich, glossy satin. Then he wrestled out of his topcoat and draped it over Emma like a blanket.
A knock at the door announced the arrival of tea. He took the tray and promptly shut the door in the serving girl's face, rather than allowing her in to pour. Instead, he served Emma himself, squinting into the cup to assess its cleanliness before filling it with steaming tea, milk, and a generous helping of sugar. He withdrew a small flask from his waistcoat pocket, unscrewed the cap, and added a splash of something amber-colored, potent-smelling, and no doubt frightfully expensive.
Emma sat watching all this in silence, transfixed. Reason had fled her brain. His every motion struck her as some sort of acrobatic feat deserving of wild applause. Perhaps she truly was ill. Everything about him, each damp hair on his head and every speck of mud on his boots, was perfect in her eyes. She would not have changed a thing.
"Here." He brought her the tea.
She moved to take it from him.
He moved it out of her reach. "Not while your hands are shaking."
He lifted it to her lips, talking her through a series of hot, cautious sips. A sweet warmth traveled down her throat and swirled its way through her chest.
"There we are. That's better, is it?"
She nodded. "Yes."
After setting the tea aside, he extended a hand to Emma and drew her to her feet. Hands on her waist, he steered her through a half turn and reached to undo the buttons down the back of her gown.
"We have to get you out of all this," he said. "If not, you'll only soak the cloak through and we'll never warm you up."
Her quivering lips curved into a smile. "I'm beginning to suspect you planned this entire situation."
"If I had, I would have found a finer inn and ordered a gown with larger buttons." He ceased tugging. "To the devil with this. The cursed thing is ruined anyway." He gripped the edges of the bodice and, with a fierce yank, ripped the buttons from their holes.
Mercy.
Emma reeled on her toes, dizzy again. Her vision grayed at the edges.
"I don't know what's happened to me," she said, rubbing her temple. "I never swoon. Perhaps Mary laced the corset too tightly."
"I'll tell you what happened. What happened is that I stupidly let you stand in a freezing downpour, wearing nothing more than a few scraps of silk. You're chilled to the marrow."
She supposed that was true. But for a kiss like that, she would have gladly stood there all night long.
He worked quickly and with no hint of seduction, but the care he took in peeling away her layers of drenched clothing--silk gown, sodden petticoats, laced corset--stirred her heart with its tenderness. When his fingertips brushed the wet locks from her bared, chilled neck, she had goose bumps on top of goose bumps.
Once he had her down to her shift, he didn't pause in kneeling down and gathering it from the hem, bunching the fabric as he lifted it upward.
"Arms up." The command scorched the nape of her neck.
She obeyed, stretching her arms overhead. As he lifted the soaked linen further, the fabric brushed over her breasts. Her nipples had puckered to cold, resentful knots in the rain, but now they tightened with more pleasant sensations. At last, he drew the garment over her head and arms, casting it aside. Leaving her bare, save for her stockings.
He turned her to him, rubbing his hands up and down her arms and sweeping his gaze over her body. Then he unknotted his cravat with jerky movements and used the fabric as a makeshift towel, rubbing the moisture from her skin and hair.
As the fire threw weak light and smoldering heat into the room, she found a blush warming her neck and face. Her teeth had ceased chattering, and the gooseflesh covering her arms had begun to fade.
When she was cold, he warmed her. This alone was more care than she'd ever known from any man. It didn't matter that it came wrapped in scowls and sardonic quips.
She loved him for it.
Loved him, loved him, loved him, loved him.
The words pulsed through her brain with every heartbeat. Surely it was the swoon affecting her, but she found it difficult to breathe. She clung to his shirt, as if he could be her salvation--but he was the danger. She was lost. Lost to him, and a stranger to herself.
When he'd done his best with the discarded cravat, he whisked her off her feet once more, moving her to the bed. As he laid her on his cape, the silk lining slid beneath her body. She burrowed under his coat while he pulled off his boots and shucked his damp trousers.
He settled behind her on the bed, spooning around her curled body, drawing her spine against his chest. He was hot as a brick straight from the kiln. His delicious warmth radiated through her, thawing and relaxing her limbs. Her shivering eased.
"You're not cold anymore?"
"No."
"Good." The flat of his palm slid up and down her arm. "Then sleep."
Her eyelids grew heavy. "Ash . . ."
"Sleep." His arm flexed, gathering her tight. "I'll keep you warm and safe. I'll keep you always."
For the second time in her marriage, Emma experienced the pleasure of waking in her husband's arms. And th
e joy of finding her hair matted in a nest. And the bliss of a receding headache.
But yes, the arms. Waking in his arms was lovely.
She rolled onto her other side, facing him.
His gaze was tender, and his touch even more so. He skimmed a caress down her cheek, then down over her shoulder. He didn't seem to mind her matted hair. Then his arm went around her, and he gave her a kiss that was every bit as sweet and gentle as the previous night's was fierce and demanding.
When they parted, he sighed her name. "Emma."
She touched his cheek. "Good morning, my sunshine."
He sat up in bed with a start. "Look at us. How did this happen? I thought we agreed that there would be no affection."
"We did."
"We had rules."
"There were precautions."
The left side of his mouth pulled into a smile. "Not enough of them, apparently."
Emma sat up in bed. "I want to apologize for the things I said last night. I should have had more faith in you. And I suppose I should be more charitable toward Miss Worthing. If you hadn't cared enough for her feelings to let her go, I wouldn't have you at all."
"I have to admit, releasing her wasn't merely generosity. Perhaps not even mostly generosity. Pride was involved, as well. She was still willing to marry me, but only if I agreed to certain stipulations. I wasn't willing to accept her terms."
"Did she want a larger settlement?"
"No, nothing like that."
"Then I can't imagine what she could ask for. I spent time with her. She cared little for anything besides money and appear--"
"Appearances? Yes. Precisely."
Emma cringed, regretting the word. Would she never learn?
"On reflection, I don't suppose it's accurate to call them stipulations," he said. "If we married, she demanded that I agree to certain rules."
"Rules?"
He didn't answer, but the look in his eyes spoke volumes. Spoke of pain and anger and a wound that went deeper than any of his scars.
Rules.
Oh, no.
She reached for her shift. "Surely you don't mean--"
"Husband and wife by night only. No lights. No kissing. Once she bore me an heir, we would never share a bed again."
At last, it was clear. It had never made sense to her that he would create such rules. He had all the power over her. Once they married, she was at his mercy. Why would he care about protecting her sensibilities? If indeed her sensibilities needed protecting, which they didn't. They never had.