“Don’t talk nonsense, Doctor. To hate and feel contempt for a microbe is foolish, but to consider it a fellow man, refusing to distinguish between anyone and everyone that you meet no matter what—that, with all due respect, shows a lack of judgment, and a refusal to relate with people in a fair-minded manner, to wash your hands of it, so to speak. I consider your Laevsky to be a miscreant, I don’t hide it and I treat him as I would a miscreant, in all my good conscience. Yet you consider him to be a fellow man—greeting him with a kiss. To consider him a fellow man means that you treat him the same as you would myself and the deacon. That is unacceptable. You make no distinction in your feelings toward anyone.”
“To call a man a miscreant,” muttered Samoylenko, cringing disdainfully, “is so absolutely wrong, that I can’t even begin to explain to you how wrong it is!”
“People are judged by their deeds,” continued Von Koren. “So, Deacon, judge for yourself … I’m talking to you now, Deacon. Mr. Laevsky’s actions have candidly been laid out before you, like a long Chinese scroll, and you may read it from beginning to end. What’s he done in the two years since he’s been living here? Let’s use our fingers to count. First of all, he’s taught the residents of the town to play Vint; two years ago the game was unknown here, but now everyone plays Vint from morning to night, even the women and adolescents. Second, he’s taught the locals to drink beer, which was also unknown here. The locals are also obliged to him for their knowledge of different types of vodka, so that they can now distinguish between Kosheleva and Smirnov No. 21 blindfolded. Third, in the past living with another man’s wife was a covert affair here, for the same motives that thieves steal covertly and not overtly. Adultery was considered the sort of thing that was shameful to display in public. Laevsky’s attitude toward all this is a schoolboy’s. He openly lives with another man’s wife. Fourth …
Von Koren quickly ate his okroshka and handed his plate over to the valet.
“I understood Laevsky from the very first month of our acquaintance,” he continued, addressing the deacon. “We arrived here at the same time. People like him love to make friends, establish intimacy, solidarity and the like, because they always need company for Vint, drinks and a bite to eat. What’s more, they’re garrulous and they require listeners. We became friends; that is, he would hang around my place every day, disturbing my work and confiding way too much about his concubine. In the beginning, I was dumbstruck by his extraordinary mendacity, which I found simply nauseating. In my capacity as a friend, I scolded him about his way of life, about how he drinks too much, how he does not live according to his means and incurs debts, how he has done nothing and has read nothing, how he is so uncultured and knows so little—and in reply to all of my questions he would smile bitterly, sigh and say, ‘I’m a good-for-nothing, a superfluous man,’ or ‘What do you, old chap, want from the splinters of serfdom?’ or ‘We are degenerating …’ Or he would begin to wax on about Onegin, Pechorin, Byron’s Cain, Bazarov, of whom he would say: ‘These are our fathers in flesh and in spirit.’ Meaning something along the lines of: it’s not he that is guilty of letting bureaucratic packets lie unopened for weeks or that he himself drinks, and gets others drunk, but that Onegin, Pechorin and Turgenev are to blame for creating the good-for-nothing and the superfluous man. The principle cause for this lack of discipline and grace isn’t with him, you see, but somewhere out there, in the periphery. And what’s more—here’s a good joke for you!—it’s not him alone that’s guilty of being licentious, mendacious and vile but all of us … ‘We are people of the eighties. We are the inert, neurotic offspring of the age of serfdom. We have been crippled by civilization.’ In a word, we are expected to understand that a great man like Laevsky is also great in his collapse; that his debauchery, ignorance and defilement are a naturally occurring phenomena based in history, consecrated by necessity, the cause of which is global, spontaneous; and that we should hang a sconce before Laevsky, since he is the victim of the times, the spirit of the times, our inheritance and so forth. All the civil servants and ladies who listened to him, all oohed and aahed, but for the longest time I couldn’t understand whom I was dealing with: a cynic or a skilled mazurka dancer? Subjects such as he, who have the appearance of intelligence, are a tad well-mannered and drone on about their own honorable pedigrees, are capable of pretending to have unusually complicated natures.”
“Hold your tongue!” flared Samoylenko. “I won’t allow such foolish talk about an honorable man in my presence!”
“Don’t interrupt, Alexander Davidich,” Von Koren coldly said. “I’m almost finished. Laevsky is not a complicated organism, for the most part. Here is his moral framework: in the morning, shoes, a swim and coffee; then until dinner, shoes, calisthenics and conversation; at two o’clock, shoes, dinner and wine; at five o’clock, a swim, tea and wine; after that, Vint and slander; at ten o’clock, supper and wine; and after midnight, dreams and la femme. His existence is locked into this narrow program like an egg in its shell. Whether he goes about, sits around, grows angry, writes or expresses joy—everything comes back to wine, cards, shoes and women. Women have played a disastrous, crushing role in his life. He’ll tell you himself that he fell in love at the age of thirteen. As a student, during his first semester he lived with a lady who had a patron-like attitude toward him and whom he is indebted to for his knowledge of music. In his second semester he bought, outright, a prostitute from a public house and raised her to his own status, that is, he made a concubine of her, but she only lived with him for half a year before she ran back to her madam, and this abandonment caused him more than a little heartache. See, he’s suffered so much, that he couldn’t help but to leave the university and spend two years living at home without a thing to do. But that’s still not the worst part. At home he took up with a certain widow, who suggested that he leave the legal department and enroll in the philological. He did just that. Finishing the semester, he fell passionately in love with his current one … what’s her name? … the married one … and was compelled to run off with her here, to the Caucasus, chasing after a would-be ideal … Either today or tomorrow he’ll fall out of love with her and will go running back to Petersburg, chasing his ideals.”
“And why do you know all this?” grumbled Samoylenko, glaring angrily at the zoologist. “It’d be better if you just ate.”
Stewed gray mullet with Polish sauce was served. Samoylenko placed a whole fish before each diner and poured the sauce himself by hand. A minute or two passed in silence.
“Women play an essential role in the lives of every man,” said the deacon. “There’s nothing to be done about it.”
“Yes, but to what extent? A woman is a mother, a sister, a wife, a friend for each of us, but Laevsky only has her—that’s all, and she’s nothing more than a lover at that. She—that is, cohabitation with her is the joy and entirety of his life. He is happy, sad, bored, disappointed—all because of women. Life is vexing—a woman is to blame. The dawn of a new life is fading, ideals are discovered—you’ll find a woman here as well. He is only satisfied by stories or paintings in which you can find women. In his opinion, our era is bad and worse than the forties and sixties only because we don’t know how to give ourselves over to the ecstasy and passion of love with abandon. These sensualists must have some extra lining in their brains akin to sarcoma that puts pressure on the brain and regulates all pathologies. Observe Laevsky, when he is out sitting in society. You’ll notice, when some random question is raised in his presence, for instance, about the cell or instincts, he’ll sit to the side, stay shut and not listen. He’ll have a languid and disappointed look to him, there’s nothing of interest for him, everything is banal and insignificant, but as soon as you turn the conversation to females and males, about, for instance, how female spiders will eat the males of the species after fertilization, his eyes light up with curiosity, his face is invigorated, and the man fills with life all because of one word. All of his thoughts, no matter how honora
ble, esteemable or indifferent they may be, always gather at one and the same place. If you’re walking down the street with him and you happen to come across a jackass, for instance … ‘Please tell me, if you don’t mind,’ he’ll say, ‘what would be the product of a jenny bred with a camel?’ And his dreams! Has he told you about his dreams? They’re incredible! Either he dreams that he’s married the moon or that he’s been called in by the police and mandated to live with a guitar …”
The deacon burst into uproarious laughter. Samoylenko scowled, furrowing his brows angrily, so as not to laugh, but couldn’t contain himself and burst into laughter.
“And he lies about everything!” he said, wiping the tears from his eyes. “My God, he lies!”
IV
The deacon was easily tickled and laughed at every foible until his sides split, until he fell over. It seemed he enjoyed being in the company of people only because they had humorous attributes and he could assign humorous nicknames to them. He called Samoylenko “the tarantula,” his valet “duck drake,” and was in a state of rapture when Von Koren once called Laevsky and Nadezhda Fyodorovna “macaques.” Hungrily staring one in the face, he would listen without blinking, and it was evident, as his eyes filled with mirth and his face grew tense, that he was in anticipation of when he could allow himself free reign to fall over laughing.
“He is a corrupt and warped subject,” continued the zoologist, while the Deacon locked onto his face anticipating funny words. “It’s rare to come across such a nothing of a man. His flesh is bloodless, stunted and useless while his intellect is indistinguishable from that of some corpulent monger’s wife who only stuffs her face, drinks, sleeps on a featherbed and takes the coachman for a lover.”
The deacon burst into laughter again.
“Don’t laugh, Deacon,” Von Koren said, “this is foolish, after all. I would not pay attention to his nothingness,” he continued, waiting for the deacon to stop laughing. “I would walk right past him, if only he were not so menacing and dangerous. His being a menace primarily consists of his success with women and for that reason there is the threat of progeny, what a gift to the world a dozen Laevskys would be, all just as stunted and useless as he is himself. Second, he is highly contagious. I’ve already told you about the Vint and beer. Another couple of years and he’ll overtake the entire Caucasus shoreline. You know the extent to which the masses, especially the middle class, believe in the intelligentsia, in a university education, in gentlemanly manners and a literary tongue. Whatever abomination he may commit, everyone will believe that it’s good, that it’s the way things should be since he is an intelligent, liberal and university-educated man. In addition to that, he’s a good-for-nothing, a superfluous man, a neurotic, a victim of the times, all that any of this means is that he can do as he pleases. He’s a sweet little guy, a good soul, he so sincerely embraces all human frailties; he’s compliant, malleable, accommodating, humble, you can have a drink with him, use blue language, shoot the breeze … The masses have always been inclined to anthropomorphism in religion and morality, and above all else they love lesser gods who share in their own weaknesses. Just take into account what a broad range there is for his contagion! What’s more, he’s not a bad actor and a cunning hypocrite, and he knows perfectly well how to look out for himself. Let’s consider his subterfuge and conjury, for instance, at the very least his attitude toward civilization. He’s never had a whiff of civilization, but regardless: ‘Oh, how we’ve been crippled by civilization! Oh, how I envy the savages, those children of nature that are ignorant of civilization!’ Don’t you see, it’s important to understand that there was a time, in the days of yore, when he was wholeheartedly devoted to civilization, served her, comprehended her through and through, but she bored him, disenchanted him, deceived him; don’t you see, he’s a Faust, a second Tolstoy … But he scoffs at Schopenhauer and Spencer as though they were little boys and paternally pats them on the shoulder: Well, hello there, brother Spencer? Of course, he hasn’t read Spencer, but how endearing he is when he says of his mistress with an airy, careless irony: ‘She’s read Spencer!’ And people listen to him, and no one chooses to understand, that not only does that charlatan have no right to discuss Spencer in such a tone, he doesn’t have the right to kiss the soles of Spencer’s shoes! Weaseling beneath civilization, beneath authority, beneath a foreign altar, sullying, clownishly rolling his eyes for the sole purpose of excusing and concealing his own weakness and moral squalor, these can only be the actions of a narcissistic, low and wretched animal.”
“I don’t understand, Kolya, what it is that you hope to gain from him,” said Samoylenko, no longer looking at the zoologist in anger but guiltily. “He’s the same kind of man, as everyone else. Of course, he’s not without his weaknesses, but he’s abreast of contemporary thought, he serves, benefits his motherland. Ten years ago, there was a little old envoy stationed here with us, a person of superior intellect. Here’s what he used to say—”
“Enough, enough!” the zoologist interrupted. “You say he serves. Well, how does he serve? As a result of his appearance here, have things started running more smoothly or has the efficiency, integrity and politeness among civil servants improved? It’s just the opposite; with the authority of an intelligent, university-educated man, he has only sanctioned their libertine behavior. There are times when he’s industrious, such as the twentieth of the month when he receives his salary, every other day he drags his shoes around the house and tries his best to impart onto himself the illusion that he’s doing the Russian government a tremendous favor by living in the Caucasus. No, Alexander Davidich, don’t stand up for him. You have not been earnest from beginning to end. If you really did love him and considered him a close friend, there would be no way that you could be so apathetic about his weaknesses, you wouldn’t kowtow to them, you would try to neutralize him for his own good.”
“What’s that?”
“Neutralize him. But since he is incorrigible, there’s only one way of neutralizing him …”
Von Koren drew a finger across his throat.
“Or we can drown him, perhaps …” he continued. “For the good of all mankind and in their own respective interests, such people must be annihilated. It’s necessary.”
“What are you saying?!” muttered Samoylenko, rising and casting his shocked expression on the calm, cold face of the zoologist. “Deacon, what is he saying? Are you out of your mind?”
“I don’t stand firm on capital punishment,” Von Koren said. “If it’s been proven to be harmful, then come up with something else. Since we can’t annihilate Laevsky, then let’s quarantine him, disenfranchise him, send him to hard labor …”
“What are you saying?” Samoylenko recoiled. “With pepper, with pepper!” he shouted in a desperate voice, noticing that the deacon was eating stuffed squash without pepper. “You’re a man of superior intellect, what are you saying?! You want to give our friend, a proud, intelligent man, over to hard labor?!”
“If he’s proud, then he’ll resist—they’ll have to shackle him!”
Samoylenko could not say a single word; all he could do was fidget his fingers. The Deacon took one look at his dumbfounded and, in all actuality, funny face and burst into laughter.
“We can stop talking about this,” the zoologist said. “But remember one thing, Alexander Davidich, primitive mankind was protected from the likes of Laevsky by the battle for survival and natural selection; now our culture has significantly weakened the battle and natural selection, and we ourselves must take on the responsibility of annihilating the weak and the worthless, or else, when Laevsky reproduces, civilization will collapse and mankind will completely deteriorate. We will be to blame.”
“If it is people who are doing the drowning and the hanging,” Samoylenko said, “then to hell with your civilization, to hell with mankind! To hell with it! Here’s what I’d like to say to you: you are well educated, a man of superior intellect and the pride of your motherla
nd, but the Germans ruined you. Yes, the Germans! The Germans!”
Ever since he’d left Dorpat, where he was educated in medicine, Samoylenko rarely saw Germans, nor had he read a single German book, but in his opinion, all the vice in politics and science transpired as a result of the Germans. He himself couldn’t explain where he’d gotten this idea from, but he held on to it dearly.
“Yes, the Germans!” he repeated one more time. “Let’s go have tea.”
All three rose and, putting on their hats, went out into the small front garden and took seats there beneath the pale maple, pear and chestnut trees. The zoologist and the deacon sat on a bench near the little table, but Samoylenko cascaded into a wicker armchair with a broad, sloping back. The valet brought tea, preserves and a bottle of syrup.
It was very hot, nearly thirty degrees in the shade. The sultry air was stagnant, immobile, and a long spider’s web that had been strung from the chestnut tree to the ground weakly hung there and did not stir.
The deacon picked up the guitar that perpetually lay on the ground near the table, tuned it and began to sing softly, in a thin voice, “The lads from the seminary are lining up at the tavern …” but immediately fell silent from the heat, whipping sweat from his brow and glancing up at the hot, blue sky. Samoylenko began to dream. He slackened and grew inebriated from the swelter, the quiet and the sweet post-dinner drowsiness, which quickly overtook all his limbs. His hands dropped to his sides. His eyes became very small. His chin rested on his chest. With teary-eyed tenderness he surveyed Von Koren and the deacon and muttered:
“The younger generation … A star of science and the light of the church … Just look, a priest will burst forth from this long-hemmed hallelujah. It’s all well and good, we may have to kiss his hand … What of it … It’s God’s will …”
Soon, snoring could be heard. Von Koren and the deacon finished drinking their tea and exited out onto the street.