Leaving him with nothing except his eviscerated soul.
Filled with rage and grief, Hammer threw back his head. A cry stuck in his throat. He’d never felt more alone or desolate. But wasn’t he simply getting what he deserved?
With his hand pressed to his chest, Hammer woke with a start. Tense and covered in cold sweat, he dragged in a breath. Terror sludged toxic through his blood. Desolation followed.
Exhausted, Macen slammed his eyes shut. He was losing his mind.
He wouldn’t be able to find it again until he knew Raine was all right.
Hammer cracked one eye open to look around. Instantly, his head protested. He was feeling last night’s Patrón. The muted gray light straining through the curtains gouged his eyeballs.
Now he remembered why he was rarely awake at the ass crack of dawn.
As his vision cleared, he spied Liam sitting on the far edge of the bed, his broad, bare shoulders working. With a few words last night, the damn Irishman had exhumed Juliet. Hammer didn’t need his old friend rubbing his nose in his mistakes. He already couldn’t forget their stench. Thankfully, the hint of cocoa lingering in the air gave him something else to focus on.
So did the sight of Raine.
She stood between Liam’s legs, her filmy white robe a beacon as it flowed away from her shoulders. Shadow outlined her bare breasts. Liam caressed her with familiarity and possession. Hammer’s body tightened. His primal directive to protect her mixed with his restless need to fuck her in every way known to man.
He’d made her doubt his love. Would she even welcome him now?
Propping himself on one elbow, he watched through the shrouded light as Raine relaxed every muscle for Liam and let out a purr. The ache in Macen’s head no longer registered because the throbbing between his legs had taken over.
God, she looked beautiful.
Mouth dry, he reached absently for the water on his nightstand and sipped, never taking his eyes from her.
“We’ll be needing more lotion soon,” Liam whispered as his hands glided over their woman’s breasts.
“Mmm. I’ll pick some up later today.”
“Good thinking. There’s bugger all left.”
“We can’t run out,” Raine moaned. “I look forward to this every morning.”
Hammer’s brows furrowed. He’d never partaken in this ritual, never even seen it. Their unmistakable closeness pinpricked him with jealousy.
Despite the months he’d been Raine’s lover, they had never shared this level of quiet intimacy.
That realization flattened him.
We’re both tired of living with a ghost…
For years, Macen’s idea of utopia had been him and Liam sharing the submissive of their dreams, working in tandem to watch her bloom. Raine was that woman. The life he’d always wanted was in his grasp. But if he didn’t get his head together, they might well leave him behind.
“Morning.” His scratchy voice disrupted the quiet in the room.
“I didn’t hear you come in last night.” Raine focused her wary gaze on him as she drew her robe shut and belted it at her waist.
Closing herself off to him.
Worry grabbed Hammer’s throat. “Sorry I didn’t respond to your text last night.”
“You’re busy. I know.”
He vaulted from the bed and scrambled toward her. God, he needed to hold her. Warily, she stepped back. She didn’t want him touching her, either?
Macen’s chest cleaved in two. “Talk to me, precious.”
She shrugged. “About what?”
He grasped for a topic that wouldn’t upset her. “What cream is Liam rubbing on you?”
“It’s just cocoa butter.”
Liam slipped a hand under her robe and stroked her thigh, glancing at Hammer. “I cover her breasts and belly with it each morning to keep her skin soft and help prevent stretch marks.”
Picking up the container on the mattress beside his friend, Hammer sniffed it, looking for any excuse to touch her. “I could help.”
She looked to Liam. The insecurity lurking in her face was a guilt-ridden punch in Macen’s gut.
“If you want to.”
“Of course I want to.” He gripped his hard shaft in hand, willing Raine to see his hunger. “Does this look like I don’t want you?”
She looked away. “Is the fact you’re hard supposed to make me feel special?”
Wrong approach. Hammer sat on the mattress beside Liam and covered his lap with the sheet. “Precious, I’m sorry I’ve been absent. I never meant to make you doubt my commitment.”
Other than her chin trembling, she remained still and silent, telling him without words he’d done precisely that.
He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing her hand and laying her palm over his beating heart. “Say it, Raine. Tell me I’ve been a bastard and that I’ve hurt you. Get it out.”
She wrenched away. “For the last two months, I’ve felt like I did the first six years I lived with you at Shadows. Invisible. Unworthy.” She shook her head. “I can’t do it anymore.”
Hammer’s heart stopped. “Raine, baby, you could never be either of those things. I’ve been preoccupied. I know. But I swear, nothing could ever make me stop loving you. Nothing.”
“I want to believe you…but I know you. Your appetites.” She crossed her arms over her chest as if to ward him off. “You’ve never been a man who goes without for long.”
She thought he had someone on the side?
“I haven’t touched another woman since you.” He lunged to his feet and gripped her face, willing her to believe him. “You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”
“Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.” She tried to pull away.
This time, he refused to let her go. “You know me. I’d never bother to spoon-feed you bullshit to spare your feelings. I don’t like going without. You’re right about that. So my fist is getting a hell of a workout.”
Liam groaned. “Wrong thing to say, mate. I should just hand you a shit shovel.”
“Your fist?” Raine’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve been waiting and ready and worried you’ve lost interest. And you would rather get off with your own hand?”
“Fuck, no. I’d always rather be with you.”
“Then why did you ignore my video? Why aren’t you here anymore? And when you are, it feels like I could be any woman. I’ll bet you gave Marlie more attention when you screwed her.”
Macen released her, ducked his head. How could he refute her when she was right? After Bill’s attack, he’d been so mired in his worries about Raine’s emotional fragility that he’d given her too much time and space. He’d actually hampered her recovery because he’d failed to simply love and reassure her.
“Precious, I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel that way. When I come home every night, you’re sleeping. I won’t wake a pregnant woman to service me. It’s goddamn selfish. But I swear neither my cock nor my flogger has touched another sub.”
“I see you every afternoon. We spend most every Sunday together. You haven’t once asked me to kneel.”
“I’m worried you’re not ready. I’d go the rest of my life without tasting your surrender again if that’s what you need. But don’t give up on us. You, Liam, and our baby are my whole world. I love you.”
“Do you?” Naked yearning filled her face. “Or did you only decide you wanted me because Liam did?”
He cradled her cheeks again. “I’ve always loved you. You know I’m fucking lousy at showing it.”
“Fix it. Communicate with me! You were so insistent I tell you everything I wanted, thought, felt… I’ve done my best to be open. I’ve turned myself inside out in freaking therapy because I want this to work. And you…” She sniffed back tears and clenched her fists. “I have no idea what’s in your head or why you pulled away or—”
“I didn’t save you from Bill, and I struggle to accept that failure every single day.”
“Do you think I blam
e you for what happened?” She looked stunned. “You didn’t provoke him.”
“I stopped paying the bastard. I knew he was violent. I didn’t think he’d dare to come after you.” Hammer looked away, regret choking him. “I was wrong.”
“Macen…” Her body softened as she pressed against him.
“I could have saved you all that terror for a measly two grand a month—and I didn’t. I can’t tell you how fucking sorry I am.”
“He blindsided me, too. What he did to my sister…” She pressed an earnest hand to her chest. “You kept him away from me for years so I didn’t wind up like Rowan. Please stop beating yourself up. He’s already taken so much from me. If he comes between us again, he wins.”
He curled his hands in her hair and tried impossibly to bring her closer. “I know. You’re right.”
“I wish you had told me how you felt sooner. I would have been here for you.” She curled her fingers around his shoulders. “I love you. I want to comfort you. I can’t when I don’t understand what’s wrong.”
“I used to be your rock but lately I’ve been fucking crumbling. Don’t ever think it’s because I don’t want you. Or don’t care. I find you wildly beautiful. I love everything about you.”
Tears fell. As she wiped them away, she cried fresh ones for him. “I thought you couldn’t feel that way anymore after everything Bill nearly did to me. I’ve tortured myself, worrying the whole truth would push you further away.”
“There was more to Bill’s attack than the police report stated?” The twisted shit compiled in that document already made Hammer’s blood run cold. And there was more?
Raine nodded, composing herself, like she sought to slip away somewhere safe in her head.
Hammer tensed. The depraved son of a bitch had been capable of raping and killing his wife and older daughter. Hearing that he had done more to Raine than either of them knew opened up a gaping black hole of dread. And she hadn’t told him because she’d been afraid? More guilt piled on.
Liam rose to his feet, appearing equally bowled over. “You’re not responsible for anything that sick fuck did, love. I’ve been by your side all this time. Why didn’t you confess your troubles to me?”
“I needed to tell you two together. And I won’t lie. There was so much shame.” She closed her eyes and pulled back. “I agreed to do dirty, terrible things to stay alive. I felt like I’d sold my soul.”
Jesus. Hammer grabbed her face again. “Listen to me. Whatever you had to do or say to survive won’t change how we feel.”
“We’ll always love you,” Liam vowed. “Tell us.”
She wrapped her arms around her middle, as if shielding herself from judgment. “When Bill had me trapped in the warehouse, I didn’t care about dying with dignity. So when he couldn’t get hard enough to rape me…h-he demanded a blow job. I told myself to give him what he wanted and not to throw up. Finally, he untied my hands so I could touch him. I grabbed the knife and…” Raine pressed a hand to her mouth, unwilling to finish that sentence. “You know the rest. Since then, I’ve been trying to live with the fact that I would have given him parts of myself I hold sacred for you two.”
While Hammer had been trying so hard to keep his shit together, he had left Raine swimming in guilt that she’d done what she’d had to. “I wouldn’t care if you’d given him a hundred blow jobs. You survived.”
Liam tipped her chin his way and fused their gazes together. “Precisely. If you hadn’t used your head, you and the baby would have been lost to us.”
“But you saw the way I killed Bill,” she choked out. “I gutted him, carved him up—in less than a minute.”
“I’m proud of your strength and courage.” Liam tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Hammer nodded. “If I could kill him all over again, I would happily slaughter the bastard.”
“I didn’t just kill him because I had to. I enjoyed ending him. What kind of monster does that make me?” Her voice cracked. “Does it ever cross your mind that you’re having a baby with a killer?”
Hammer cradled her close. “We’re having a baby with a survivor.”
“And a defender,” Liam added. “You’ll protect our child until your dying breath.”
“If you were a cold-blooded killer, Raine, none of this would worry you,” Hammer pointed out. “He deserved everything you gave him for the years of pain and abuse he heaped on you and your family. So don’t think for one second that I’m at the club working late because I don’t want you or I’m horrified by what you did or regretting that we’re starting a family. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“Do you understand?” Liam prodded.
She exhaled a shaky breath. “I needed to hear that.”
Hammer pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. “How long have you been holding that in?”
“Since Christmas.” She dropped her gaze, looking contrite. “I tried saying something around New Year’s but…I didn’t. I’ve been working on this with my therapist. She kept pointing out that if I didn’t tell you, I’d always wonder and feel insecure.”
Hammer stared. While he’d been wallowing, Raine had made miles of progress. “The way you just communicated… I’m so proud of you.” He tried to lighten the mood. “It worked a whole lot better than throwing dildos, right?”
She choked out a laugh between her tears. “Yeah. But you have to admit, when I tossed half the toys across the dungeon, that got your attention.”
“It also got you a red ass.” He squeezed her hip and shot a glance at Liam. His best friend had both supported him and forced him to see their train had been inches from jumping the track. “Thanks for everything, man.”
“You’re welcome.” He looked relieved. “And can I say that I’ve never met two more stubborn people in my life?”
With a watery laugh, Raine threw an arm around them both. Her hot tears spilled down Hammer’s neck. “I’ve been so worried. And I’ve missed you. Will you stay this morning? Make the bad memories go away?”
Liam’s raised brow told Hammer they’d both interpreted her words the same way. She wanted them inside her.
Hammer’s blood pumped. “I’d love nothing more but are you sure you’re ready?”
“Very.” A little smile floated across her lips. “And I wouldn’t mind a red ass, too.”
“Is that all you want, minx?” Liam skimmed his fingers along the hem of her robe.
“No. I want to feel you two deep. Touch me.” She released a shuddering breath. “Please.”
Hammer ached to put his hands on her, command her. It would silence the chaos inside him.
He anchored his hands behind his back. “I’ve missed you, too, precious. Kneel.”
Beside him, Liam squared up and stood tall, shoulder to shoulder, in a silent show of unity.
Raine dropped to her knees in a graceful slide before them.
The Dom inside Hammer roared and stretched. Pride rose. His cock burned with need as he breathed her in. He was relieved to see her submissive side still responsive.
Beside him, Liam caressed her hair. “You sure you’re ready for more than the spankings I’ve been giving you?”
“Do I have to beg?” Desperation rang in her voice.
“Probably. Liam and I will spread this lotion on you. Then…” He leveled a hungry stare at her.
Hammer sat on the mattress and urged her up so he could tug her short robe back, then he dipped his fingers into the jar of cream. He smoothed the lotion over the flare of one hip. The feel of her warm, velvety skin made him groan.
As Liam dropped his hands to Raine’s stomach, Hammer caressed his way up until he cupped her lush breast. Was his imagination