“I’ll get a cab,” Alyssa-Andrea hails from the curb, and pushes me into the yellow car. The driver has a hoarse voice and drives fast, but we make-out faster.
There’s only one thing going through my drunk mind, and it isn’t about Alyssa-Andrea’s mouth.
Why?
Why did I even fuckin’ keep holding on to that scrap of hope?
Why did I ever think I was good enough for her?
Why did I ever think I had a single goddamn chance?
The driver asks my address and I detach myself from the girl’s soft lips to direct him. He grunts and turns right. My head hits his seat and Alyssa-Andrea laughs shrilly, pulling me back down for another kiss.
“You’re hilarious,” She murmurs. “I like you.”
Does she really? Or is she just saying that because she’s drunk? I’ve heard it all before. She’s just drunk. They’re always just drunk enough to sleep with me, but not drunk enough to stay. Never drunk enough to stay. Never like me enough to stay.
And it happens again, as we’re stumbling up the stairs to my apartment, making out like a pair of teenagers drunk for the first time on an uncle’s stolen booze. Alyssa-Andrea’s face wobbles, and her hair gets blonde and her eyes get blue like the sea, and my breath catches in my throat and I kiss her harder than ever before, holding her tight as I fumble with my keys and the door.
“I’m not letting you go,” I murmur into her hair. “I won’t let him have you.”
Alyssa-Andrea laughs. “What?”
We stumble into the apartment and I tap the door shut with my foot. Alyssa-Andrea dances away from me, swirling her hips temptingly, and again, her body morphs. Alice. Alice is dancing in front of me like she did in the parking lot on my birthday, and I can smell her, almost taste her in that tiny black dress –
I lunge for her, pressing her against the wall and lifting her hands above her head, twining my fingers in hers.
“I’ve wanted you for so fucking long,” I pant. “I wanted you the second I saw you. You’re everything. You’re everything I fuckin’ want in my life. You’re perfect.”
She laughs, Alice’s clear laugh ringing in the hall, and kisses my neck wordlessly.
“I can love you better,” I whisper. “I promise you, I can love you more than he ever would. I already do. Just gimme a chance.”
She breaks free of my pin and moves towards the bedroom. I stop her in the doorway, pulling on her hand and bringing her into my chest for a kiss.
“Please,” I breathe. “Please, be mine.”
“I am yours,” she says, kissing me softly. And it’s the end of me. Her mouth is on mine, my mouth is on her neck, my fingers undoing her buttons as I kiss my way down her chest. She sighs happily and I want nothing more than to make her sigh like that again, and again, I want to prove to her just how much I feel for her, just how much she makes me crazy.
***
My hand pauses just before it knocks on Ranik’s apartment door.
Six hours of killing time with Charlotte shopping has evened out my temperament. I know now Ranik’s never going to speak to me again. I can accept that. I spent six hours coming to accept it, and his tragic past. I feel more hollow than I’d like, almost too-light. I feel like I’ve lost something important that I can no longer get back.
I scared off the one boy who wanted to become my friend.
All I can do now is at least try to apologize, and move on with my life.
I straighten my shirt nervously. Charlotte insisted on a bright blue shirt with a pac-man ghost on it and much to my dismay, jean short-shorts. While it’s a comfortable outfit, it’s not very well-suited for debating knocking on a boy’s door in a November night’s cold. I shiver and work up the courage to finally knock.
I have to do this. I have to say I’m sorry. He deserves that much.
There’s no answer. I wait, and knock again harder in case he didn’t hear me. But this time, the force of it makes the door creak open a little. It’s unlocked. I peer in – the apartment dark and seemingly lifeless.
“H-Hello?” I call out. “Ranik?”
I faintly hear someone say something in a room. I steel my nerves and duck into the apartment, closing the door behind me. Why was it open? Is he alright? Concern begins to cloud my mind. My eyes adjust to the darkness quickly.
“Hello?” I try again. “Is anyone here?”
I swear I hear someone murmur my name. I walk down the hall and listen carefully. Noise is coming from Ranik’s room. His door is slightly ajar, faint lamplight washing the room in a soft glow. I breathe out, and then in as deep as I can, trying to give myself some courage.
“Ranik –” I push open the door and instantly regret it. A buxom, gorgeous brunette has her legs wrapped around Ranik’s back, and he’s standing, fucking her against the wall. His hands grasp her perfect thighs, fingers sinking in like they’re gripping velvet. Her breasts heave with her panting, and Ranik’s moans are barely audible, but clearly pleased. She weaves her fingers in and out of his dark, curly hair, mussing it up even more.
Neither of them notice me at all.
I stand there, transfixed in horror. This is the first time I’ve seen anyone have sex. And seeing it be Ranik makes me –
A treacherous, sickening flame starts to lick at my stomach and works its way up my windpipe. Ranik’s smooth, muscular back. Ranik’s wing tattoo, so dark and rippling with his efforts. Ranik’s ass and thighs and legs, textbook-perfect and strong. And the woman’s incredibly enraptured face tells me everything I didn’t want to know. Her eyes flicker open, and she notices me. She taps Ranik’s shoulder, and he slows, letting her down and shooting her a confused look. She just giggles and points to me, reaching for a sheet to cover herself with.
Ranik turns. His face freezes, every muscle coming to halt, his gold-green eyes alarmed, confused, terrified. The sex-flush on his cheeks drains in a blink to an ash-color. I don’t dare look below his waist.
The part of me that is Alice Wells, 4.2 GPA and undisputed Queen of Academia and all things stuck-up, takes over for the panicked side of me.
I feel like vomiting. I feel like running away.
But the old me - the cold, bitter, quiet me, the me before Ranik - sweeps those feelings under the rug in a heartbeat and composes herself.
“I’m sorry,” I straighten my back. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening. I’ll come back another time.”
I quickly duck out the door. I can hear a scrambling noise behind me, Ranik’s voice faint at first, then louder.
“Alice, shit, Alice! Alice, come back!”
I ignore him and take the stairs two at a time. But I can’t ignore how hot and wet my cheeks suddenly are.
No crying, Old Alice says sternly. He means nothing to us.
But –
No. He was your teacher, nothing more. A useful tool. He has served his purpose. He has taught you enough. Now throw him away.
“Alice! For fuck’s sake, slow down, please!”
I give a shuddering gasp and turn the corner. The main boulevard screams at me with neon lights and Friday night traffic. I wipe at my face and walk faster. If I’m quick, I can catch the 12 bus home and leave all of this behind for good –
“Alice!”
Ranik - now sloppily dressed in half-on jeans and rumpled shirt - grabs my wrist. I whirl to face him and yank it away.
“Don’t touch me,” I say coolly. His green eyes, light like emeralds in the murky neon glow, scar with some internal pain.
“Alice, please, just listen to me for a second –”
“No. I’m no longer required to listen to you for any number of seconds,” I say quickly. “I relieve you of your position as my teacher.”
“What? Wait a sec, just calm down –”
“I’ll return your completed homework to your mailbox within the week. I expect no further contact between us. Good night.”
I walk away.
“Alice!” Ranik follows. “Please, don??
?t do this to me –”
The wound in his voice stops me in my tracks. I turn slowly, and he catches up, breathing heavily. The smell of booze is on him.
“What do you want me to say?” He pants. “I’m sorry? I’m sorry for fuckin’ someone?”
“You’re not sorry,” I say. “You were clearly enjoying it.”
“Why do you fuckin’ care?” He demands. “Why do you care about who I fuck?”
“I don’t!” I scream, the sound startling even me. I never scream. Ranik looks like I slapped him, taking a step back. I lower my voice, calm it. “I don’t care. It’s your business. But I can’t help but wonder how well you can teach me when your interests are elsewhere. If you’re distracted, my learning might suffer. I can’t take that risk. Therefore, our deal is off.”
“Our deal was off the second Theo fuckin’ asked you out this morning,” He snarls.
“You saw that?”
“From the second story window, clear as fuckin’ day,” Ranik’s face goes from angry to defeated, exhausted. “Look, congrats. I’m real glad for you, Princess. You got what you wanted. The fact is, you don’t need me anymore –”
“He didn’t ask me out.”
Ranik’s expression goes slack. I press on.
“He asked me to go to the fair with him, and Grace. And he said I should bring someone else. Charlotte called it a ‘double date’. I wanted to ask you to go with me. But when you didn’t text me back I realized that you must still hate me for what happened during our last lesson, so I gave up on asking you and decided to at least apologize for it. That was the least I could do. So I –”
I swallow hard and try to smile.
“I’m sorry for what I did. It was out of line, and it broke your rules and boundaries, and I’m very sorry. I hope the girl back there won’t break any of your rules. I wish you all the best.”
I turn, but Ranik grabs my hand again, this time his voice low.
“Don’t go.”
“Ranik –”
“Please don’t go.”
I sigh. “You’re clearly busy –”
“She left. Please don’t leave too,” His face contorts painfully. “Stay with me.”
He sounds so broken, so lost and small and much younger. Is it pity I feel in the bottom of my stomach? Or is it concern? Miranda’s telling of his past still lingers in my mind, hanging like a particularly dark cloud. My anger and my sadness fade rapidly, replaced by a gentle exhaustion.
“Alright,” I whisper. Ranik and I walk back to his apartment in utter silence. The girl is gone. Ranik motions to the couch.
“I know you probably don’t want the bed, so –”
“Why not? You weren’t exactly doing it in the bed.”
Ranik flinches. “Have the bed. I’ll sleep out here.”
“This would be an opportune time for a lesson,” I start. “How to sleep in a bed with a boy. I could use the practice.”
Ranik’s quiet. I sigh.
“Alright. I understand. You are no longer my teacher.”
Ranik wordlessly heads to the bathroom. His silence is very unlike him. I hear the shower turn on. Tired out of my mind, I collapse onto his bed. The smell of the sheets is all him and just like I remember – pine and smoke.
Finally alone, finally knowing Ranik no longer wants anything to do with me, and that I’ve lost one of my only friends, I bury my face in the pillow to hide my crying.
I thought I was doing well.
I thought I was becoming a better person, a more open person, a person Theo could like, a person anyone could like. But maybe I was hallucinating it all. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I’m delusional.
Maybe I can never change.
Maybe my destiny is to stay the same robot girl forever. To graduate and become a neuroscientist like Mom wants. I tried so hard to change by applying to this school, to try and change myself by getting away from everything.
But I can see it now. I’m not meant to change. I’m meant to be alone.
There’s a knock on the door. I wipe my eyes and steady my voice.
“Come in.”
Ranik walks in, bringing the smell of a warm, clean shower with him, a towel wrapped around his lean waist.
“Pants,” he murmurs. “Sorry.”
I shake my head, and he walks over to his dresser, rummaging through it. I gaze at his back, at the wing tattoo over his shoulderblade. It’s his most intricate, gorgeous tattoo by far. It mesmerizes me. Before I know what I’m doing, I stand, quietly walking over to him. He’s here. I’m not alone. Not yet.
I place my hand on the wing, tracing its feathers and warm curves.
“It’s beautiful,” I say.
Ranik’s shoulders tense, every muscle going stiff. I stroke the lowest feather tip. A faint shudder runs through him. I don’t have time to pull away before he whirls around and urges me against the wall, his nearly-naked body flush against mine. His dark, wet hair tangles in his strangely bright eyes.
“This is a lesson,” he says, his lips against my neck. “I’m still your teacher. So here’s your lesson.”
He kisses my neck, trailing down to my collarbone. He licks the line of bone, planting a kiss in the center of it. My heart begins to race, hard and fast against my breast. He puts his hands on my shoulders, easing my loose shirt off of them. Moving back, his eyes eagerly take in my exposed, air-chilled skin. He leans in and kisses the joint of my neck and shoulder, the spot so sensitive and ticklish that I squirm.
“I’m sorry,” Ranik rests his head against my shoulder. “I’m sorry for gettin’ angry that day. You didn’t deserve that.”
“No, I overstepped my boundaries –”
Ranik kisses downwards, pulling my shirt off as he goes along. It falls to the floor, and he pulls me into him, hugging me tightly.
“You did everything right, Princess,” He murmurs into my hair. “You did nothin’ wrong.”
My body feels heavy. Was it always this heavy? His words calm some raging fire in my heart I didn’t know I was harboring, and soothe it into a damp ember.
I can’t hold back the tears.
He isn’t angry.
I haven’t lost a friend.
I didn’t do anything wrong.
I didn’t do anything wrong.
Ranik holds me, easing me onto the bed. I cry loud, louder than I’ve ever allowed myself to. Louder than I have in many, many years.
I let myself go in his arms as he strokes my hair and holds me close, and time slips away.
***
I look down at Alice’s sleeping, tear-stained face. She musta passed out. Her gold hair sticks to her wet cheeks, her brows are close and worried. I try to smooth them out all gently-like with my thumb. It helps, but not much.
I fucked up.
I fucked up bad.
I jumped to wild-ass conclusions about her and Theo, and ruined lots of shit.
But I ruined things before that, when I got mad at Alice. I should know better than anybody that discouragin’ someone when they first try something leads to bad stuff. They start associatin’ discouragement with that thing. And the last thing Alice needs is to be discouraged offa sex.
Discouraged offa me.
She looks so peaceful, so right sleeping in my bed, like it’s exactly where she belongs.
I let the jealousy mess with me. The second I thought she was gone for good, I panicked and went off and buried myself in some other girl. I panicked because I thought I was losing the one girl I’ve really started to care about.
I gotta be honest with Alice. I can’t keep holding this in, anymore. It’s wreckin’ me.
But not now. Not when she’s getting her rest.
I curl up, my arm still around her, and fall asleep to the sound of her gentle, even breathing. I wish time would jus’ up and stop.
I wanna stay like this, with her, forever.
***
I wake slowly, luxuriously, out of the deepest and what feels like the most restful
sleep I’ve ever had. The smell of pine and smoke alerts me to exactly where I am – Ranik’s. The past night floods in at the same time the sun does, bright and searing my eyes and mind.
I’m only in my bra. I stretch, and my elbows collide with a soft something. Startled, I pull back, and realize Ranik is snuggled against me, his lean body pressed against my back. He groans, and before I can untangle myself, his green-gold eyes crack open. He groans louder, and buries his face in my hair.
“You smell good,” he says.
“You don’t,” I snap, embarrassed. He laughs, and his hands roam my body, over my stomach and under my breasts. I yelp and swat him away.
“Sorry, sorry,” He chuckles. “You just feel so fuckin’ good.”
“I think you have me confused with the woman you came home with last night.”
“No,” Ranik squeezes me against him, his palm rubbing against my hipbone. “This is definitely you, Alice. All you. Even if it’s a dream, it’s still you.”
My heart beats wildly as his hand moves past my hipbone, and slips under my shorts. He undoes the button and pulls my zipper open. I can feel his arousal hard against my tailbone. Is he half-asleep? Does he think I’m a dream?
“You realize this isn’t a dream, right?” I ask.
“You say that every time in my dreams,” he sighs. Every time? How many dreams about me has he had? His fingers wander beneath my bra and gently tug at my nipples. I gasp at the electric tingles that run through my veins.
“H-Hey!”
“What?” He chuckles innocently. “Do you want me to stop?”
I open my mouth to tell him to cut it out when he slips his other hand beneath my shorts. In two quick movements he’s beneath my underwear, stroking me lazily.
“A-Ah, Ranik –”
He tweaks my nipple harder and kisses at my neck.
“I brought that other girl home last night ‘cause I wanted you,” He murmurs. “The whole time I was fuckin’ her, I was thinking ‘bout you, Alice. I wanna make you happy. I wanna – shit, I want you to be happy. And the thought of you with Theo –”