“Ohhh,” she squeals. “I’m so excited! That looks perfect! Turn around!” I walk in a slow circle for her and her smile just grows larger. “Do you feel like a princess?”
“Maybe a little,” I admit.
“Yeah, all the single guys are going to go nuts! Um... I’m thinking we might need to dress you in something frumpier,” she jokes. “I don’t want you getting all the attention.”
“Oh, shut up,” I tell her. “Come up here, let’s get a picture of both of us.” She steps on the platform and the saleslady snaps a few shots of us. “What color are the guy’s ties?”
“Chris’s will be this champagne color, and Jack’s will have the mocha color.”
“Wow, I can’t wait!” I’m now getting very excited. Happy to see my brother marry this wonderful girl, and a little anxious to see Jack in his tux and mocha tie. I shake the thought out of my head.
We change out of our dresses and back into our street clothes and head over to the florist. Anna’s biggest dilemma is whether or not to add any color to her white and off white arrangements. Since the wedding is formal, I convince her that simpler is best, so she goes with her gut instinct and keeps the colors the way she had initially chosen.
We stop at a restaurant for a glass of sparkling wine to celebrate. I propose a toast to Chris and Anna. She proposes one back, simply to love.
At four, she drops me off at my building and I go upstairs, anxious to show Jen the pictures of the dresses. She becomes just as excited when she sees the photo of Anna and me on the platform.
“I’m so happy for Chris,” Jen says. “I just love Anna. She’s perfect for him.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“Hey, listen, Emi,” Jen says. “You know the dinner thing next weekend? Didn’t you say I could bring a guest?”
I sigh. I hadn’t considered the thought of her bringing a date... because if she did, I’d be the only single person there. “Yep,” I say curtly.
“Well, would you mind if I invited Garrett?”
“Really? You just met him, don’t you think that will be weird?”
“Not really,” my sister says.
“It’s fine with me,” I tell her, unable to hide the dissatisfaction in my voice.
“Is it?”
“Sure, Jen,” I say, frustrated. “It’s fine. I’ll be the only one without a date, but it’s fine.”
“Why don’t you ask Shawn?” she says quietly.
“Because I think that would be weird... and I don’t really want to see him again.”
“Oh,” she says. “Well, I don’t have to invite him.”
“No, Jen,” I tell her. “I’m sorry... that’s just selfish of me to even say anything. Please, invite him. I really don’t mind going alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. Now I’d feel bad if you didn’t invite him.”
“Okay,” she smiles and hugs me. “Thank you.”
In truth, though, I do mind going alone. I shouldn’t have to go alone. More than anything, I’d like to have a date... and I don’t like that feeling at all. I’ve never felt like I needed a man in my life. Why do I now?
Later that night, after I put Clara to bed, I send a text message to Jack. “Add one more to the guest list. Reservations for 11.” I wait for a response, but after an hour, I decide to go to bed.
In the morning, there’s a message from him that simply says, “Great. Eleven. Thanks.”
CHAPTER 7
“Seriously, Emi, come with us!”
“Jen, I’ll be fine. I need to get there a little early anyway to make sure the flowers made it.” Honestly, I just want a little sliver of time alone... I’m not asking for much, I have been feeling suffocated this week. My sister, sensing my sadness, has been around far more often than normal, calling in sick two days this past week when she was feeling perfectly fine.
I have been afraid to say anything to her about why I am upset, though. I don’t know that anyone would understand this loss that I’m feeling... I wonder to myself if it’s weird to mourn the loss of my child now... I’d spent so much time mourning Nate, but even though the baby crossed my mind, I’d never really mourned. I had only known about her for a week... does this mean that the loss isn’t as great? As mid-August creeps closer, when the baby would actually have been due, it gets harder and harder to think about. I am actually beginning to feel physical pain... don’t know if it’s psychosomatic or real... and I don’t know who to talk to about it. I’m just afraid my family won’t understand... will think that I’m reverting back to where I was when this horrible year started. I don’t want to worry them... and I don’t want to seem weak to them.
“You’re being silly to not ride with us,” my sister tells me. “Garrett really wouldn’t mind.”
“No, I’m taking the subway,” I tell her. “I’ll meet you down there in an hour.”
“I don’t know why you’re so stubborn.” I shrug my shoulders, grab my bag and leave the apartment.
“Wow,” Marcus says as I walk past him. “Got a date, Emi?”
“No,” I tell him somberly. “Not me,” I force a smile.
“Well, you look really nice. You should have a date.”
“Thanks, Marcus. Have a good night.”
“You, too,” he tells me. I take my time going to the restaurant. Instead of hopping on the subway at the nearest stop, I decide to walk a few blocks to clear my head. The last thing I want to be is sad tonight. This is a happy occasion. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
At Buddakan, the hostess takes me to the long table on the lower floor, and I’m happy to see that the flowers I picked out have arrived and are placed perfectly on the table. I wonder what Chris and Anna must be thinking by now. They had planned to go to Jack’s to watch a baseball game, but Jack was to call them this afternoon, let them know that plans had changed... he was requesting that they dress up, and he told them that a car would be picking them up. He also suggested they pack for an overnight stay. Jack and I had decided to get them a hotel room in the city so they wouldn’t have to deal with a forty-five minute car ride back home after dinner. They deserved a little bit of an escape from their day-to-day lives.
“They’re on their way,” Jack says, sneaking up behind me.
“Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were here,” I laugh. There’s a slight flutter in my stomach again. I had so not wanted to feel that tonight, but he looks so handsome, the color of his blue eyes made bluer by his shirt. “Were they okay with the change of plans?”
“Of course,” he says. “Would you like something to drink?”
“I owe you,” I tell him, remembering that I offered to buy the second round the other night. “What are you and Marie drinking?” I scan the restaurant for his girlfriend.
“Heineken for me,” he says. “And I’m alone tonight. Speaking of which, where is number eleven?”
I look at him, confused. “Number eleven?”
“The eleventh guest. Your date?”
“Oh, not mine,” I laugh. “Jen’s.”
“Of course,” he smiles and sighs, running his hand through his thick, dark hair.
“Yeah,” I mutter, watching his hair fall back into place, only slightly mussed, but begging to be caressed by my fingers. I fight the urge. “So, Marie,” I say, tearing my eyes away. “Is she okay?”
“I’m sure she’s fine,” he tells me. “We’ve sort-of parted ways.”
“What happened?” I fight a feeling of hope that sweeps over me.
“We both just agreed it wasn’t working out.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” I say. He nods, and my eyes get lost in his. “Drinks,” I say, walking toward the bar. “A Heineken and a glass of merlot, please,” I tell the bartender. As I look in my bag to find my credit card to open a tab, Jack slips in beside me and hands the bartender his card.
“You’re not buying the drinks, Emi,” he laughs.
“Yes, I am! I said I would the other day
.”
“Absolutely not,” he says emphatically. “Please, let me.”
“But–”
“I won’t take no for an answer.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Well, then, thanks again. Someday, I’ll make it up to you.”
He smiles a slightly sly grin. “I’ll take you up on that.” Now my stomach does actual flips. The look on my face must convey the absolute confusion that’s coursing through my veins. I laugh it off.
“How are you feeling tonight?” he asks.
“This is a happy occasion,” I say, more to myself than to him.
“Excuse me, are you Emi?” a woman interrupts our conversation. I turn around and see a couple I’ve never met before.
“Yes,” I say, “you must be Mae and Andy?” I ask.
“Yes, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” Mae says. Mae went to high school and college with Anna. They lost touch over the years after graduation, but had recently reconnected online. They haven’t seen each other in years, so I’m sure Anna will be surprised and delighted to see her friend again. “And you’re Jack, I presume?”
“Yes, nice to meet you both,” he shakes their hands. “Would you like some drinks?”
“Please, yes, uh... Chardonnay for both of us,” Andy says.
“Coming right up,” Jack says, heading toward the bar as the rest of us take our seats at the table.
“So, Mae, did you manage to keep it a secret? You didn’t tell her, did you?” Mae and her husband had traveled from Philadelphia and were spending the weekend in New York.
“She has no idea,” she says. “I am so excited to see her, and to meet Chris... now he’s your brother, right?”
“Yes,” I say.
“And how long have you and Jack been together?” she asks as Jack hands them their drinks and sits down next to me.
“Oh, no, um, Jack and my brother are old college friends,” I explain.
“So you’re not dating?” Andy asks.
“No,” I say, a little uncomfortable, hoping Jack will say something. When he doesn’t, I look at him, a strange expression spreading across his face. He smiles and very slightly raises an eyebrow, as if to signal that it’s not such a bad idea... or maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
I already feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t need these other feelings complicating matters. Why am I thinking things like this? Surely this just isn’t right. Surely it’s too soon to be thinking about this... thinking, yes. But feeling... I can’t help how I’m feeling. Do I want to feel this? I’m not positive.
“Oh, well, I just assumed since you were both hosting the dinner tonight,” Mae explains.
“Just a joint effort,” Jack says, smiling. He looks across the room and stands up abruptly as another couple enters the room.
“Jack!” the man yells from the bottom of the stairs. Jack walks assuredly to greet the man and his guest. I assume this is Russell, Jack’s college roommate who was also in Chris and Jack’s fraternity. They hug, and Russell introduces Jack to the woman who is accompanying him. He shakes her hand and then leads them both to the table.
“Russell, Nicole, this is Anna’s friend Mae, her husband, Andy,” he says, before gesturing to me, “and this is Chris’s younger sister, Emi.”
“I remember meeting you at the engagement party,” Russell says. “Red dress, right?” Russell smiles. Nicole glares at him out of the corner of her eyes.
“Yes,” I force a smile. “Good to see you again.” As we’re all making introductions and getting to know each other, my sister and Garrett come downstairs and join in the conversation. Jack asks me to help him with some drinks at the bar.
“Can I get ten glasses of champagne?” Jack asks the bartender. “They should be here any minute,” he says to me as we wait. I tap my fingers anxiously on the bar as I watch the bartender popping the cork and carefully pouring the drinks into flutes. I can see Jack watching me in my peripheral vision. I glance quickly to meet his gaze, but he looks away hurriedly. The bartender hands us the drinks and Jack asks him to put them on his card. I need to figure out what he does for a living to be able to afford all of this. He had offered to cover everyone’s dinner tonight, but hadn’t mentioned the bar tab, but it appears he’ll be paying for that, too. And he insisted on putting the hotel room on his card, as well, even though it was my idea and we agreed that I could give him half. I seriously doubt that he’ll let me do that at this point.
Jack takes six glasses and I take the other four. He hands all of his out to the couples that have arrived, letting them know that we will toast Chris and Anna when they come downstairs. He walks over to me and takes two of the glasses. “They’re here,” he says, walking toward the staircase. I watch him cross the room and become entranced with his posture, his thick, dark hair, his confident stride, the way his clothes fit his athletic body... I should not be thinking these things! I quickly drink one of the glasses of champagne that I’m holding. I watch Jack hand my brother and his fiancée their drinks and we gather around for the toast. Jack speaks confidently, his voice smooth as his blue eyes sparkle, his enunciation perfect, but his words... my god, his words. His toast couldn’t have been more eloquent, more perfect for my brother and Anna. I watch him, slightly in awe, as he lifts his hand toward the sky. I lift my flute, with the rest of the guests, and drink. He walks over to me and eyes the nearly-empty glass of champagne I’m drinking and the empty glass I’m holding in my right hand.
“Um, did you save any for me?” he laughs. I look down, realizing what I’ve done, and immediately blush, mortified.
“I am sooo sorry,” I say. “Here, you can have the rest of this,” I tell him, then think to myself that he may actually want his own glass. “Wait, no, let me go get one for you. I am so embarrassed.” As I start to walk away, he catches my elbow and stops me.
“Are you alright?” he asks.
“I’m fine, just completely absent-minded for some reason, that’s all.” We walk together to the bar.
“You seem a little... off.”
“No, um,” I start. “Well, yes, off maybe... I’m not sure what I am,” I laugh before finishing off the rest of the champagne and ordering another glass for Jack and a glass of wine for myself. I feel like my emotions are just taking me from one extreme to another today. Sad to... what? Turned on? I’m beginning to think I’m going slightly mad. Surely they have medication for this. Alcohol will have to do in the meantime.
“And two sparkling waters, please,” Jack adds to the order. “It’s okay,” he says, standing behind me and rubbing my shoulders. Jack takes both of the alcoholic beverages to the table and leaves me to carry the water. Is this his way of cutting me off? I guess I have had a lot to drink in the thirty minutes we’ve been here.
“Is this for me?” I ask him, embarrassed.
“If you’re thirsty,” he says. “You can even have mine.”
I. Am. An. Idiot.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I say, setting the glasses of water down. I half-run to the ladies room, hoping that a bolt of lightning will strike me along the way. I am so embarrassed. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself, eye-to-eye with my reflection, a million thoughts racing through my head.
I shouldn’t have come tonight. I was not up for this in the first place. I’m burying my real feelings by distracting myself with this attractive man. I wish I had stayed home. I want to talk to Nate some more. I want to dream about him. I want to see our child again.
No, I definitely should not have forced myself to come here, to be social, to be happy. And furthermore, I should not be feeling anything for Jack. He thinks I’m a drunk. I’m completely mortified...
And I shouldn’t care one way or the other because it’s just too fucking soon to move on!
I sit down on the couch in the lounge area and put my head in my hands as I feel tears forming in my eyes. Now I don’t know if I’m crying because I’m just an emotional wreck or if it’s because of the alcohol I
sucked down in a matter of mere minutes.
“Emi?” Anna asks, concerned. I quickly wipe the corners of my eyes, hoping she doesn’t see me crying. “Is everything okay?”
“Fine,” I smile.
“The mascara trails say differently,” she says, sitting next to me. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell her. “I’m sorry I’m in here crying. I’ll be right back out, I just need a minute.”
“No,” Anna says. “I’m not leaving you in here. Jack was worried enough about you to send me here, so something’s going on. What happened?”
“Really, Anna,” I plead. “I can’t talk about it.” She puts her arm around my shoulders.
“Please don’t be sad, Em,” she says, standing up to get a tissue for me. “Is it Nate?” she reluctantly asks.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I’m just confused about... things... life.”
“Well, we’re all that, Em. That’s nothing to cry about.”
“I know,” I say. “Really, I’m fine.” I take a deep breath and swallow the lump. “I’m good.”
“Hold up,” she says, getting out her phone and sending a text. “Let’s put you back together.” A minute later my sister appears with my bag.
“What’s going on, Emi?” Jen asks.
“Really, nothing, I think I’ve had too much to drink already this evening and I’m crying for apparently no reason.”
“Em,” she says to me, hugging me, knowing there’s something deeper going on. She gets out my makeup and hands it to me. “Anna, I’ve got this. You’re the guest of honor, go on.”
“I don’t mind,” Anna argues.
“We’ll be out in a second, really. I’m fine,” I tell her. She hugs me and returns to the table.
“Jen,” I start, then hesitate. It’s not the time or place for this, but I feel I might explode.
“What Em?”
“Never mind.”
“What’s going on with Jack?” she asks.