I’m frustrated with myself, though, for a multitude of things. For going out on the date in the first place. For talking about Nate with Jack. For cuddling with him on the couch. Mostly, though, I’m frustrated that I allowed my unstable emotions to ruin a perfectly good evening. It was too soon. That’s the plain truth. But that doesn’t change what happened. I’m surprised that he would want to see me again, and I don’t know that I could suffer through the embarrassment of apologizing for my insane behavior. Not right now, anyway.
“No, I’m not mad,” I tell her. “I’m not ready to see him, though.”
“Ever?”
“Not in the near future.”
“Well, you do know the wedding is in a couple weeks... and you’ll have to walk down the aisle together...” Anna says.
“Yeah, are you going to be okay with that?” Chris asks.
“It will be fine.” Chris gives Anna a glance from across the room. I can tell she’s worried.
“I wish you could talk to him,” my brother says. “He’s called me a couple of times just to find out if you’re okay since you aren’t taking his calls.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I didn’t tell him that you weren’t taking my calls either... I just told him you’d be fine... that you needed some time.”
“Well... thank you.”
“You will be fine,” my brother assures me.
“Emi, don’t forget that our final fitting is next Tuesday,” Anna says. “I’ll pick you up around four?”
Of course I had forgotten. “That’s fine.”
“And do you have a dress for the rehearsal dinner?” Anna asks.
“No, I haven’t thought that far into the future,” I tell her.
“Well, good, I don’t have one either, so you and I are going to go find them together. How does the tenth sound? Can you pencil me in?” she asks.
“I’ll put it on my calendar,” I tell her. I feel so bad... her maid of honor should be happy. Her maid of honor should be keeping track of these dates, keeping everything on schedule. She should be keeping the bride on task, not the other way around. I wonder if she’s regretting asking me. She’s too polite to ever say so. But I bet she feels that way.
I want to be happy. If not for me, for my brother and for Anna. This is the day she’s been dreaming of since she was a little girl; and Anna, she is the woman that my brother has been hoping for all of his life. They’re perfect together. The last thing I want to do is ruin their day... or cause them any worry that I might do just that.
“By the way, that’s the day of the happy hour, too, so if you decide to go, I could give you a ride...”
“I’m committing to shopping, but that’s it.”
After Chris and Anna leave, I get the number for Jen’s therapist. I have to get better, for them... and for me.
~ * ~
“I really wish you would change your mind, Em,” Anna says to me from the dressing room next door. On our last planned shopping trip before the wedding, which is now only ten days away, we are both trying to find dresses for the rehearsal dinner.
“Sorry, Anna, I just can’t.” Even though I’ve told Anna and Chris repeatedly that I would not be accompanying them to Jack’s happy hour, she keeps bringing it up. I didn’t receive an official invitation from Jack, but there was one relayed through my brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law. I still wasn’t ready to talk to him.
“And convince me again how this wedding isn’t going to be completely awkward,” she demands, audibly frustrated.
“Anna, plenty of weddings happen every day where the best man and maid of honor don’t even know each other. Maybe it’ll be like those.”
“Emi, please–”
“Anna, come on. You promised we wouldn’t have to talk about this again today.”
“Well, I lied,” she says. “This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I don’t want it to be riddled with tension between our two best friends. Can’t you just talk to him? Hear him out?”
“I’ll talk to him soon, I promise. And I’m not mad at him, I told you. I just need to figure some things out first.”
I’ve been to two therapy sessions with Jen’s psychologist. It’s been helpful having someone to talk to. The pain has lessened, both the stomach cramps and the emotional toil.
“I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re mad at him. We’ve told him that you’re not, but since you don’t answer his calls...”
“I’m just not sure what to tell him yet, that’s all. But I promise you, the wedding will be fine and we’ll both look happy in the pictures. We might even be happy. You have my word.”
“I just wish you’d let him off the hook.”
“I will. I have a present I want you to give him tonight. Could you do that for me?”
“I’m sure he’d rather get it from you.”
“Anna, please,” I demand.
“Alright, I’ll do it.”
We step out of the dressing rooms at the same time. “Anna, that’s fabulous!”
“I think I like this one,” she smiles, looking down at the off-white strapless dress. “And that looks amazing, too,” she tells me, eyeing my outfit. “Those black heels we saw earlier would be perfect.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. This is the one,” I say, looking back in the dressing room mirror and standing on my toes to check the length of the black and pink dress. “So we just need to find shoes for your outfit and something blue, right?”
“And some lingerie,” she adds. “Then I think that’s about it.”
“I also need to get a card for him...” I mumble.
“Jack?”
“Yes, a birthday card, to go with the gift.”
“Let’s do that first,” Anna says enthusiastically. We go into our respective dressing rooms and put our clothes back on.
After paying for our dresses, we make our way to a stationery shop. I just want a simple, blank card. I know what I want to write in it. There are no store-bought words for what I want to say in this card. We stroll the aisles looking around the store.
“So what did you get him?” Anna asks, picking up a package of “Thank You” cards.
“This watch I found when I was out shopping last week. It’s no big deal.”
“Hmmm,” she ponders. “A watch can say a lot of different things.”
“Stop adding meaning to it,” I tell her. “It’s just a watch.” Of course there’s meaning behind it.
“Where’d you get it?”
“At that watch place down the street from the therapist’s office,” I explain.
“That’s a nice place,” she comments.
“It’s not that nice,” I counter. “He’ll probably never wear it. He probably already has a slew of nice watches. I just thought this one suited him.” The truth is, I’ve put a considerable amount of thought into this gift for Jack. I deliberately got him a watch and sought one that I thought he would wear... one that’s simple and classic. I hope he does wear it.
“Do you have it with you? I want to see it.”
“Yeah, but it’s already wrapped... sorry.” I finally find a card and ask the cashier if I can borrow a pen to write a note to Jack. Anna begins to peer over my shoulder. “Do you mind?” I joke with her.
“Alright, alright.”
Jack, the message begins, I don’t expect you to wait for me, but I hope that you will. I sign my name and tuck the card safely in the envelope.
A text message from him comes later that night. “I will. Thank you.”
CHAPTER 9
“Emi, come on,” my sister says, standing next to me in the ladies room.
“I’ll meet you in there, I just need a minute, okay?”
“You’re coming though, right?”
“Yes, of course I’m coming.” She nods her head and picks up my niece and my eyes follow them as they head out the door into the restaurant hosting Chris and Anna’s rehearsal dinner. I turn back around to check m
y makeup one more time. I reapply my lipstick and smile courageously at myself. I can do this. The therapist I’ve been seeing suggested some positive reinforcement when I started doubting myself.
The first three weeks of therapy were spent dealing with the grief of losing Nate and losing our child. I cried a lot, and recognize that I still have more tears to cry... and that it’s okay. Things will make me sad, I just have to learn to accept the sadness and put it aside. I can no longer let it consume me.
When the psychologist had questioned what I was doing to for myself, I told her that work was pretty much my only distraction. She encouraged me to find other things to do, and to surround myself with friends. I explained that it was my intent to do just that when I fell apart after my date with Jack. I told her that I was trying to focus on other, happier things, when I accepted the date with him. I told her that I felt betrayed by him and by his words. I knew, logically, that he meant nothing by them. I also knew that his words had nothing to do with the outcome of that night. I still had a hard time opening myself up to the idea of dating, and particularly dating him, because of this.
The therapist and I talked for quite some time about him. When I tried to find bad qualities in him, I couldn’t. I could only refer to this one phrase, the thought that he wished Nate wasn’t around so he could have a chance with me. He thought it because he felt something between us. He told me about it because he wanted to be honest with me about something he felt immense guilt about. I had to let him off the hook tonight.
Tonight at the botanical gardens was the first time I had seen him since the date. At the rehearsal, Jack and I assumed our positions and were shuffled around by the wedding planner, but neither one of us spoke and barely made eye contact. Anna and I had been running late, delayed by the lack of cabs on this Friday night, so the mood was a little stressed and we were all in a big hurry to just get it over with.
Over the past month, I’ve needed to be alone to deal with my past and to figure out my feelings for him. It still seemed too soon for a relationship with him, but I decided that I wanted to be his friend, at least. I knew he would be a good influence in my life. If he could just accept a friendship for awhile, maybe it would turn into something more. At this point, I think that’s all I can give him.
I take a deep breath and picture his smile, feeling butterflies in my stomach. My brain is telling me to befriend him, but I really think my heart is saying something else. I don’t trust it, though. I don’t trust that it knows what’s best for me.
Stepping out of the restroom, I take a few more deep breaths before entering the main lobby of the restaurant. I adjust the knee-length black and pink dress as the hostess welcomes me.
She takes me to the private room reserved for the party. It’s dark and takes a moment for my eyes to get used to the dim setting. Flower centerpieces don every table, and groups of candles cast deep shadows on the walls. In a setting more romantic than I would have anticipated for a casual dinner, I can’t help but scan the room for a particular familiar face. It takes me no time to find him.
He smiles warmly as soon as he sees me. He is standing among a group of men across the room, talking and laughing. Although he seems to be in mid-conversation with the other guys, his eyes never leave mine. Eventually, his friends turn to see what is distracting him. I blush and quickly look for my brother or sister or parents or anyone to talk to so I’m not just left standing, staring, blushing. I finally see Jen, Clara and my mother gathered around the dessert table. Clara is eating a chocolate-covered strawberry, her little fingers messy with her delectable treat. As I walk toward them, I find a napkin and take it to my sister.
“Thanks,” she says, wiping her daughter’s hands and face as she puts the last morsel in her mouth.
“Was that good?” I ask Clara, who nods vigorously as she reaches out for me to hold her. As I extend my arms to take her from my sister, Jen holds her tighter. She looks over my shoulder and then back at my mother.
“I think we’re going to get drinks, Em, do you want anything?”
“I think I’m okay right now, thanks,” I answer. As I turn around to see the rest of the room, I realize why my family left.
“Hi, Emi,” Jack says, walking cautiously toward me.
“Hey.” I lean forward, hugging him awkwardly.
“It’s good to see you again.”
“You, too.”
“Do you mean that?” he asks, his eyes uneasy.
I nod as a smile spreads across my face. “It’s really good to see you.”
“Emi,” he begins, taking my hands in his. “You have to know–”
“Not here, Jack. Not tonight,” I plead with him. “I’ve got a million things to say to you, but this isn’t the right place.”
“Okay,” he says, “as long as I know you intend to talk to me, I’ll wait it out.”
“Thank you. Let’s get this wedding out of the way first.”
“Can I get you a drink?”
“Um, sure, a diet soda?”
“Coming right up. I’ll be right back.” I watch him walk toward the bar and see Anna coming toward me out of the corner of my eye.
“Yeaaaaaaa!” she says quietly to me. “Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.”
“I told you it wouldn’t be awkward, silly.”
“I know. What did he say?”
“Nothing,” I tell her. “This is your night. We’ll talk when it’s time, and I will fill you in on every last detail.” Jack is on his way back when she hugs me, excitedly. He laughs to himself.
“Diet soda,” he says, handing me the beverage. Anna, full of energy, turns around and hugs him with the same intensity. She says something in his ear that sounds a little like, “Told you so.” After their embrace, she returns to my brother’s side.
“Thank you. Water?” I ask, eyeing his glass, suddenly nervous to be alone with him, feeling as if I’m being watched.
“Starting off slow,” he says. “I’ve got to be the sensible one at the after-party tonight.”
“Right,” I say. “What’s the plan?”
“Just your average bachelor party fare... Russell kind of took the helm on this one. I’ve never been much for planning these sorts of things. What are you girls doing?”
“We rented some movies... I’m sure we’ll do girlie slumber party things,” I tell him, looking forward to my night in a luxury hotel suite with Anna, Jen and Anna’s friend, Mae. “Hopefully we’ll get a little sleep so we’ll be ready for our early spa appointments in the morning.”
“A pillow fight, maybe?”
“Yes, because that’s what we girls do at slumber parties.”
“Hmm, and what room will you be staying in?” he asks.
“Nope, no boys allowed,” I state adamantly. “So, um, back to your party... I’m guessing you have a ‘no girls allowed’ policy?”
“Did you want to stop by?” he seems to invite.
“I was referring to women who get paid to stop by...” I clarify.
“Oh, well, my only input was ‘no strippers,’” he says. “But it’s Russell, so I’m guessing there will be one or two.”
“Great,” I reply, unable to hide my general displeasure and annoyance at the idea of him with another woman, a naked one, at that. “But you’re the sensible one...”
“Always,” he grins widely, a glint of mischief in his eyes.
“Well, just make sure Chris keeps his hands off, I guess,” I direct him.
“Yes, ma’am,” he mocks me, flirting. “No rules for me, though?” he asks, hopeful, wanting me to be jealous. I am jealous, but I carefully plot out what to say to him. After all, I just want to be friends for now. Brain says friends. Speedy heart-rate says something else, but I do my best to ignore it.
“Something tells me you have the decency to know what you should and shouldn’t do. That’s all I’m going to say. I have no claim on you.” His expression changes slightly, disappointed, and I immediately want to take
the last sentence back. I didn’t want to feel so conflicted tonight. I had prepared myself all week for this night. I was going to keep my distance, refrain from telling him that I wanted to be friends for now. And now that I’ve seen him, I want to abandon that plan altogether. I want to make him smile, to relieve him of any doubt he may have about me... but this is my heart talking... not my head... I didn’t plan to feel anything for him.
“Jack, I-”
A loud clanking noise, followed by a whistle, interrupts our conversation.
“If everyone could take a seat...” my father announces. The guests eventually break from their small huddles and find chairs at the many tables. I look around the room, and see Anna waving for me and Jack to come and join her at their table. He’s watching me, waiting for me to finish my thought. If I knew what to say, I would have said it, but instead, I just take his hand in mine and bring him to the table with me. I squeeze his hand tightly and look at him as he pulls my chair out for me. He seems to be a little more at ease... but I wonder if I’m doing the right thing...
We settle into our chairs as my dad begins a toast to Chris and Anna, standing in the center of the room. Jack picks up an open bottle of red wine from the table and pours two glasses, one for him and one for me. I watch my mother, across the table, wiping her eyes as my father recalls endearing moments from when my brother was just a little boy. My step-father puts his arm around her shoulder to comfort her. Her eyes meet mine, and she just gives me this strange, hopeful, almost apologetic smile. I look away quickly, and as people start to clap, I realize the toast is over. I sip my wine and set it down gently as my dad invites others to say a few words. Anna’s friend, Mae, congratulates the couple, and a few of Chris’s fraternity brothers have prepared a funny song for the occasion.
Jack picks up his glass and makes his way to the middle of the room, then faces Chris and Anna. I watch him as he begins to speak, his words as eloquent as they were at the engagement party...