“I’ll be back in a few. I’m going to confer with the best man,” I tell her. “Any message you’d like me to send along?”
“Put some lipstick on, Em,” my sister encourages. I roll my eyes at her.
“Tell him to tell Chris I love him and can’t wait.”
Too impatient to wait for the elevator, and feeling a burst of nervous energy, I take the stairs to the lobby. He’s standing near the elevators and doesn’t see me across the room. He looks perfectly put-together, as always. Today, he’s wearing a pair of khakis and a short-sleeved plaid button-down shirt, no buttons fastened, with a crisp, white t-shirt underneath. His hands are in his pockets, he’s shifting his weight to one side. I walk to a set of couches in the middle of the lobby and sit down, crossing my legs and folding my arms in my lap.
“Pssst...” I get his attention. He smiles and walks toward me, taking a seat on the couch opposite mine, a small coffee table separating the two of us. He leans toward me, clasping his hands in his lap, his posture mirroring my own.
“Good morning,” he says.
“Hi,” I say, almost giddy with excitement.
“Hey,” he returns. “What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to check in... make sure Chris is okay, everything’s on track... no stripper mishaps...”
“No mishaps,” he states. “And Chris is fine. He woke up this morning feeling a little nervous about the ceremony, I think. He keeps thinking he’ll mess up his vows... I told him I’d keep a printout with me and whisper them in his ear, if he needs it.”
“That’s romantic,” I chide. “He’s not hungover?”
“He won’t be,” he says. “He went back to bed for a bit. You can censor that for Anna if you think she’ll worry.”
“Probably will,” I laugh. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, though. Anna wanted you to tell him that she loves him.”
“I’ll give him that message. I’m sure he feels the same.”
“Okay.” I look around the room, anxious.
“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks, clearly alluding to our kiss.
“I’m tired,” I admit. “I didn’t sleep at all.”
“Was that my fault?”
“Maybe just a little.”
“How can I make it up to you?” he asks.
“Catch me at the altar if I start to collapse of sleep depravation.”
“I will definitely do that for you. Shall I bring a pillow?”
“That would be nice, thank you.”
“I’ll assign that task to the ring bearer.”
I smile broadly. “And you?” I ask him. “How did you sleep?”
“Better than I have in a long time,” he brags.
“Did you now?” I ask.
“I did.”
“Was that my doing?”
“It was all your doing, my sweet Emi.” My heart skips a beat. “Feel free to do it again, anytime.”
“You wouldn’t rather sleepless nights?” I blush at my brazen suggestion, surprised the words came out of my mouth. My question shocks Jack as well.
“Well, when you put it that way...”
“I can’t believe I just said that,” I admit, covering my mouth.
“I’m a little shocked myself. But I like it.”
“It’s the sleep depravation, I swear.”
“Excellent. Then I definitely hope to hear more.”
My jaw drops, a surprised laugh escaping my lips. “Jack!” I bite my lip, completely fascinated with him.
“You started this,” he says smugly, his kind eyes capturing mine as he stands up and takes my hand in his, helping me off the couch.
“I did. Bad me.”
“Yes, bad you,” he agrees, kissing the back of my hand before weaving his fingers between mine. “Hey, maybe you can hang back tonight after the reception... maybe we could talk a bit?” he asks as we walk toward the elevator. “I’ll drive you home.”
“Definitely. I’d like that.”
“Great,” he says, pushing the button. “You look cute, by the way.” His eyes scan my casual attire.
“I’m a mess,” I tell him, turning red, wishing I had put on lipstick.
“Not at all,” he argues. “And you’re even cuter when you blush like that.” I feel my face getting even hotter as the elevator door opens. He brushes two of his fingers against my cheek. “Can I walk you back to your suite?”
“Okay.” I feel his hand lightly touch my back as he guides me into the empty elevator. I’m a little apprehensive to be alone in this car with him. Will he kiss me again? My overactive imagination runs rampant with various scenarios, all leaving me breathless. I lean on the railing for support, and have a feeling my constant blush is giving my thoughts away.
He leans against the opposite side of the enclosed space as I tap my fingernails on the metal bar. “Are you nervous?” he asks.
“A little,” I admit.
“It’ll be fine,” he assures me. “Everything... will be fine.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath as the door opens to the fourth floor. He follows me down the hall to the suite.
“Thanks for meeting me,” I tell him.
“Thanks for asking me... I’ll see you tonight,” he says, pulling me toward him and wrapping his strong arms around me. I embrace him tightly, feeling safe in his grasp.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
He releases me and begins to walk back down the hall. He turns around one last time as I watch him leave. “I am, too, Emi,” he states, smiling, before continuing toward the elevator. He waves as he goes inside and I wave back, opening the door to my suite and walking inside, feeling as if my feet aren’t even touching the floor.
“Chris is great, and he loves you,” I announce to Anna, closing the door behind me.
“Is he nervous?” she asks.
“Just about remembering his vows. Not about you.”
“Six o’clock can’t get here fast enough!”
“I know,” I concur.
After we eat lunch, my mother, Anna’s mother and Clara join us for our salon visit. The afternoon seems to drag on as I get more nervous by the hour, and it takes all my concentration to not mess with my hair and makeup once it’s done to Anna’s specifications. I try to keep it together for Anna’s sake. I don’t want my nervous energy rubbing off on her. I stop by the hotel lounge as soon as we get back to have a glass of wine. I notice my brother is seated at the bar, so I decide to join him.
“Chris?”
“Hey, Em!” he exclaims, standing to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Wow, you look great.”
“Thanks. You should see Anna. She is gorgeous.”
“I can’t wait,” he says. “Why aren’t you with her? Is she alright?”
“Her mom’s here,” I tell him. “I’ve got butterflies for some reason and I don’t want to let her see me like this. Hence the wine...”
“Ahhh,” he says.
“You okay?” I ask him, wondering why he’s drinking alone in the bar.
“Fine,” he says. “Just thinking about some things.”
“But you’re okay?”
“Sure,” he assures me, then quickly changes the subject. “So, Jack?”
“What about him?” I ask, coyly.
“Last night?”
“That?”
“Yeah, that, Em. How do you feel about it?”
“Umm...” I dwell on my thoughts. “We’ve apparently kissed before,” I tell my brother, “in college.”
“Yeah, of course you have... at the frat party.”
“Yeah, well I had been under the impression that I had kissed Nate that night, not Jack.”
“What?”
“Yeah. You know how drunk I was,” I reason with him. “But that moment was amazing, and it stayed with me all these years... and as soon as he kissed me again last night, I remembered everything. But I always thought it was Nate that made me feel that way. So it’s a little weird... to know
that it was Jack... and it’s strange to feel it again, because I had accepted that I never would, since it never came back to me when Nate and I were together.”
“Huh,” he comments.
“A little hard to wrap my brain around, really.”
“Well, you made his night,” he says. “He never stopped smiling.”
“I guess that’s good,” I say, unsure.
“Are you having second thoughts?”
“Of course,” I tell him, the only one who I feel can really understand. This year has brought us even closer than we ever were. “But not about him so much... I feel pretty certain about him. I just feel like I’m still carrying around a lot of baggage... and I don’t want to mess anything up.”
“So what are you going to do? You know I love you both... I feel like I have to protect you both.”
“We’re going to talk tonight, after the wedding. I’m going to tell him what’s been going on with me.”
“The miscarriage?” he asks.
“Yeah, among other things... I just think he needs to know what he’s getting himself into.”
“Just so you know, I don’t think anything you tell him will change the way he feels about you.”
“How can he be so sure?”
“He felt something when he kissed you, too, however many years ago that was. He told me about his feelings for you after you left the frat party. I gave him a black eye for it.”
“Really? You hit him?”
“Yeah. All the guys wanted your number, though.” He looks at me and rolls his eyes. “You were the highlight of the night for most of them. I didn’t know Jack felt any differently than any of my other brothers.”
I want to laugh, but feel... robbed.
“But Jack? What did you tell him then?”
“I told him to forget about you, Em. I told him that you and Nate were meant to be together.”
“What?” I ask.
“I told him if you ever brought him up, I’d tell him. But you never did. I knew you never would.”
“Why’d you think that?”
“Because I really believed you and Nate were meant to be together. I wasn’t making it up.”
“Wow,” I say, taking in the new details. “Huh.” My thoughts start spinning wildly out of control, question after question gushing to the forefront of my mind. Would Jack and I have worked out as a couple in college? Would we have had the last ten years together? Would he have been the same person he is today? And what about Nate? Would he and I have remained friends after all these years?
I allow my imagination to swim in the what-ifs... I imagine what it would have been like if Jack had asked me out those many years ago. He would have reminded me of the kiss... or he would have kissed me again. Either way, I would have immediately known how drawn to him I was. The feeling was palpable, unmistakable... enduring ten years, the feeling as fresh as it was the first time we kissed. Sure, we were different people back then, but the chemistry we have now was present back then, too. Where would I be today? Happily married? Maybe a couple of beautiful blue-eyed children?
Maybe Nate wasn’t my soul mate after all... I think about the things I would have missed. I would have never known how Nate truly felt about me... and maybe his feelings would never have developed into anything more than friendship, anyway. I never would have recognized my own curiosities about our relationship. I smile inwardly. If Jack and I had started dating long ago, would I be sitting here, today, wondering ‘what if’ about Nate? It’s possible I would never have known the joy of being pregnant... nor would I have known the immense devastation of losing that baby... or losing him.
He wouldn’t be gone. My heart jumps at the thought. He would still be alive today. We only left because I wanted chocolate. Fucking chocolate. Such a trivial thing in hindsight brought such a tragic end to his short life. He might even be married to someone with children of his own... Smiling, I imagine that our friendship would have lasted all this time, and that our kids would have played together.
One tiny moment, one moment lacking in clarity...
“How could you not tell me?” I choke out through a few tears, but I know it’s not his fault. So many variables kept Jack and I apart all these years. My drunkenness that night. Nate’s misunderstanding the following morning, and his decision to never discuss that night with me. Chris deciding not to tell me anything.
My brother stares into his drink for a few minutes before answering. “I’m not proud, Emi, but how could I have known?”
“I don’t guess you could have,” I finally assure him, patting his arm. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t meant to be... then... We both take another sip of our drinks.
“Last night, Jack got to relive that moment, and he was completely euphoric all over again. I hadn’t seen him like that since that party.” Chris laughs, but then a serious look replaces his smile. “If you’re not sure, Emi, be honest with him. If Nate is still holding that place in your heart, tell him.”
“I will, I promise.”
“He’d be good for you, though.” He takes another long drink. “It’s kind of hard for me to say that. It was always supposed to be you and Nate.” My brother’s eyes begin to water, and mine, in turn, follow suit. “Even after he died, I never could see you with anyone else, even though I hoped for it. I’d never seen two people so in love. I don’t think I even have that with Anna,” he says.
“Chris,” I begin, “I know Anna loves you with all her heart. And I know you feel the same. Of course you have that with her.”
“It just... looks different.”
“Nate and I were friends for years and years. We had a certain familiarity with one another that only comes with time. You’ll have that with Anna, I have no doubt...”
He sits quietly and takes a few more sips from his pilsner glass. “I do love her.” He smiles.
“I know you do. And if it makes you feel any better, I look at you guys and think, ‘Man, I want that.’”
“You’ll have it.”
“I hope,” I tell him.
“You will.” Chris pulls out his wallet and leaves a few dollars on the bar. “Thank you, Emi,” he says, smiling and assured. “Love you.” He lightly kisses the top of my head.
“You, too,” I return. “See you at the wedding!” He walks out of the lounge, and after I finish my glass of wine, I blot a lone, remnant tear from my cheek and return to the suite, hoping my makeup still looks okay.
CHAPTER 10
At the arboretum where the wedding will take place, Anna’s mother sits next to her as the photographer snaps some photos before the ceremony. All the finishing touches have been put on, and the bride is anxious to make her trip down the aisle.
“Okay, Emi, can you do one last thing for me?” she asks, rummaging through her suitcase and pulling out an envelope.
“Of course.”
“Can you take this to Chris? And tell him to read it before the wedding.”
“Sure thing.” I check myself in the mirror, straightening out a few wrinkles in the bridesmaid gown and tucking a strand of hair back into place. I reapply my lipstick and take the card from Anna, nervous but excited to see the men.
I knock on the door down the long hallway that has been designated as the men’s dressing room. Hoping to see Jack, I’m a little disappointed when my father answers.
“Wow, Emi, you look beautiful,” he says, my eyes scanning the room. No Jack.
“Thanks, Dad, you look pretty handsome yourself.” He hugs me and I wander over to my brother who’s sitting stiffly on the couch. I pick up the piece of paper that sits in front of him as I sit down.
“Still memorizing your lines?” I ask.
“I’m gonna screw this up, I know it,” he says.
“Your brother’s a little nervous,” Dad comments.
“Don’t worry about it, Chris. If you forget the vows, just look in her eyes and tell her how you feel. It will come to you.”
“I know, I know,”
he says standing up and beginning to pace.
“You’ll be fine,” I tell him as I interrupt his stride, holding out my arms to hug him. His embrace is tight as we hold on to each other. “You look amazing.” I take a step back and straighten his tie, then hand him the card from his bride. “Here, maybe this will help. It’s from Anna. She says to read it before the ceremony.”
“Thanks,” he smiles, digging into his pocket and handing me a rectangular box. “Will you take this to her?”
“Oooo, what is it?”
“You’ll see, just take it to her, alright?”
“Okay, fine. I love you, Chris.”
“You too, Em.”
“Love you, Dad, see you in a few!”
I take the box and leave the room, quietly closing the door behind me. As I walk down the silent, otherwise-empty hallway, I see Jack approaching, his head down as if he’s concentrating on something, carrying a flask that I assume is for my brother. My heart thuds loudly in my chest. He looks even taller in his tux, the bottom button of the two-button jacket unfastened, his hand in his pocket. He seems completely comfortable in his formal attire. I, on the other hand, can’t stop fidgeting with the sash of my dress and have a difficult time walking in the shoes that Anna insisted I wear.
When he looks up, he stops in his tracks as he sees me.
“Wow,” he says quietly, a smile quickly forming, his hand reaching to his face, drawing attention to the faint five o’clock shadow. He looks incredible. I continue my stride toward him on the way to Anna’s dressing room, gaining confidence with each second he stares in my direction. My eyes are drawn to his, the excitement inside of me obvious by the grin on my face. As I reach him, I allow my gaze to wander, checking him out completely and nodding flirtatiously when my eyes meet his again. I don’t stop, just keep walking, his eyes following me until I reach my destination. I linger in the hallway, watching him, before entering the room. I wave briefly as the door closes. Oh, my god, I can’t breathe.