I pray for clarity often. I pray for courage. And I pray for a man who will love me and be confident in the love I give him, even if it’s not all of my love. I will give as much as I can... and hope it will be enough not only for him, but for me. I used to believe that Nate might have been the great love of my life... and I would dwell on what little time we had together, wondering if that was really all the world held for me. If he was my great love, we would have had more time, wouldn’t we? So was he?
Before long, the sun sets and the lamps that are scattered in the park become the only source of light in the middle of the park. Darkness brings a chill to the air, and I decide it’s time to go back to the apartment. I stop by the nearby coffee shop before going home.
I shouldn’t be surprised to see her here, but the sight of Samantha nearly knocks the wind out of me. Visions of my crumpled self on the floor of the apartment after she left come rushing back... and for a second, I’m amazed and proud at the progress I’ve made over the last few months. I take a deep breath and smile sheepishly at her, not knowing if she will remember me or acknowledge me after the way I treated her that night.
“Emi,” she says from behind the counter, kindness in her eyes and a comforting expression on her face. “What can I get you?”
“Hi, Samantha. Non-fat chai, please.”
“I should have known,” she comments. “That was his drink, too.”
“Yeah,” I remember. After she passes on my order to the barista, I hand her my debit card.
“It’s on me,” she says. “Do you mind if I join you?”
“Oh, um, no, not at all.”
“Rob, I’m going to take a break,” she tells a co-worker. When my drink is made, she brings it around the counter and leads me to a couch in the corner.
“Thank you,” I tell her. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” she says. “How are you?”
“I’m doing pretty well.... look, I’m really sorry about what happened... how you found out and how I treated you.”
“Oh, my god, don’t apologize,” she says. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize either.” We sit uncomfortably for a few minutes before she breaks the silence.
“He was my first love,” she tells me, shrugging. “I guess I’ll always feel something for him.”
I smile and nod, understanding her feelings. “Of course you will.”
“About a week after I found out, I went back to Marcus and talked to him for a long time. I felt so distanced from Nate, from the situation. I was sad that I had missed so much of what was going on. The way we split up was bad. I acted very childish. I was embarrassed and I really wanted to apologize to him. I needed some closure, but really didn’t know anyone else who knew him... anyone who could fill in the blanks. I’d never met his mother, I didn’t know any of his friends... and I knew I couldn’t– or shouldn’t– go back to you.”
“One thing about Nate, he really did care deeply for all the women he dated,” I tell her. “He fell in love easily. He thrived on being in love. You can rest assured knowing that you were very special to him.”
“I know. But after talking to Marcus, I realize that you were his soulmate. I didn’t understand why you were so upset– why you were in his apartment in the first place... so I had to ask someone. Nate sort of kept you from me. He’d mention you, but there were few details... like he was keeping them all to himself. Marcus said you had been a part of his life for a long time. He said that he could tell Nate loved you from the start... said that he acted different, looked different when you came around. Marcus remembers the day that he came back from some trip, to Las Vegas, I think it was? Nate dropped his bags in the lobby and went over to Marcus and hugged him, he was so happy. ‘I love her,’ he had told him. ‘And I’m pretty sure she loves me. I’m going to marry this girl.’ That’s what Nate told him. He said he had never seen him so elated, it was like he was walking on clouds. And then he said he was like that every day until...”
My eyes water, a longing in the pit of my stomach beginning to resurface. Marcus had never mentioned that to me. What a beautiful story to hear... from this young girl that I had once thought was so immature and manipulative. “Thank you so much for telling me that.”
“Oh,” she says quickly, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“No, it’s okay,” I laugh. “I’ve never heard that story. I’m constantly amazed that new memories still surface... but no matter what, I cherish them all. The tears are a small price to pay for them.”
“Anyway. I just wanted you to know there are no hard feelings or anything.”
“Oh, same here. Thank you, really.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “I’ve got to get back to work.”
I extend my arms to her and we embrace. “Take care of yourself.”
“You too. I’ll see you around?” she asks.
“Probably so.” We both stand up and part ways. I walk back to the apartment grinning, imagining Nate and Marcus hugging in the foyer and letting out a quiet laugh to myself.
After taking a bath, I lie down in bed and stare out the window, the city lights casting a warm orange glow through the apartment. It’s been a very Nate-centric day, and I’m positive I’ll dream about him tonight. I just feel it. Maybe I’ll get the visit I was hoping for.
When I awake from a very sound sleep, the bright morning sun greeting me at first sight, it’s Jack that fills my groggy visions. Again, I’ve dreamed about him. Still in that area between conscious and unconscious, I roll over and smile, trying to remember the details. In hopes of continuing the dream, I try to go back to sleep.
No, I don’t want to go back to sleep! It’s Friday! I’ll see Jack today. I am suddenly energized and hop out of bed. My time spent with Jack is the highlight of my week, every week. He picks me up mid-afternoon and always has something different planned each time. We’ve been to museums, to the movies, to tourist haunts, shopping, to various parks and restaurants around the city. Last week we volunteered with a local organization that helps children of broken homes. They had a fund-raising fair, and Jack and I worked at one of the booths on the fairway. After an exhausting day, after our shifts were done, we played some of the carnival games and noshed on junk food. Jack’s high school and college baseball days helped him win an insanely large stuffed dog for me, which now has a permanent place on my bed next to the other stuffed animal he gave me on our first outing.
The dog and cat have spent significantly more time on my bed than Jack has. We have stayed true to our friendship so far, keeping any physical activities to a bare minimum. We’ll hold hands from time to time, put our arms around each other... but we haven’t shared any more of the kisses that make my body unsteady and my mind bewildered. Sometimes our conversations will drift to those feelings when we talk on the phone. The anticipation is growing... I’m getting more and more used to the idea of dating him every day. And as far as dating goes, I had told him early on that he was free to date other women if he felt like it... but he has made it clear that no other women interest him, and that he is committed to waiting for me. I really do feel lucky... and safe with him.
Today, it’s Halloween. In his family, it’s become a tradition to have his sister’s family over for trick-or-treating. This year will be no different, except for a few additions. Jack has invited Clara, Jen and I to go with them. Jen, anxious to spend some time with a new suitor, declined the invitation, but I told my sister I would happily take Clara with me.
I’m anxious to spend a little time with Jack’s twin sister, Kelly. My sister is an acquaintance of hers, having lived in the same area of Westchester, their kids going to the same school, and Jack has told me a lot of good things about her and her children... and I’m anxious to see how he is with them.
Fridays are my most productive day, work-wise, as I just want the hours to fly by while I wait to see him. Today is no different. I finish up revisions on two freelance jobs a week
before they’re due and submit them to the agency that hired me for the work. I’ve been much more motivated lately, and I’ve been getting so many offers that I’ve had to turn a few down.
Jen comes home around four o’clock, having waited until the very last minute to buy a Halloween costume for her date tonight. Clara is tired from the shopping trip and full school day. I help her take part of her costume off– her pink butterfly wings– and she collapses on my bed, snuggling up to the stuffed animal.
“Are you still up to going trick-or-treating tonight?” I ask my niece. She yawns but nods to me, her eyes closed.
“Just let her nap for a bit,” my sister says, examining the sexy nurse costume she had purchased. “He’s a doctor,” she smiles.
“Clever,” I comment sarcastically. I’ve never gotten into Halloween... I don’t know why... it’s just a weird holiday. “I’m going to take a shower,” I tell my sister.
“You haven’t been in bed all day, have you?” she asks, concerned, noticing my pajamas.
“No, just really busy with work... I was in a zone and didn’t want to interrupt it,” I smile at her.
In the hot shower, I get more and more anxious to see Jack. He makes me laugh, and when I’m with him, I don’t have time to dwell on anything sad. I don’t know if he plans for constant distractions, or if it’s just in his nature to keep going, going, going... I know he said he doesn’t like idle time... and that probably helps with our friendship. Idle time can lead to other things... I ponder those other things for a few minutes, feeling a flash of warmth spreading over my body.
“What time is he picking you up?” Jen asks when I come out of the bathroom.
“Five-fifteen,” I tell her. “His sister is making dinner for us first, and then we’ll go and beg on all of his neighbor’s doorsteps.”
“Make sure Clara eats something decent, okay? I’m pretty sure they just fed them candy at school today. She was super-hyper when I picked her up, and then really grumpy and tired about an hour later.”
“Got it.”
“And I’ll pick her up after my date, right? What did we decide, nine-thirty?”
“Yeah, are you sure you don’t mind?”
“She’s my daughter, of course I don’t mind. Plus, she has gymnastics in the morning, so I want her to get a good night’s sleep.”
“Okay. Well I’m sure I won’t be that late,” I tell her.
“We’re fine,” she says, smiling. “You’re an adult, you can stay out as late as you want. Just keep your phone on you.”
“I know, I know.” I go to the closet and pull out some new distressed designer jeans that I bought with some extra money last week. Because they’re a few inches longer than what I usually wear, I have to wear some abnormally high heels with them. I found some comfortable wedge sandals that look pretty cute with the jeans. I choose a black and white silk camisole to wear underneath a white belted jacket that I haven’t worn in ages. The jacket isn’t very heavy, so I hope it’s not too cool out tonight. When I look in the mirror, I smile with self-satisfaction. This is the outfit... if it’s cold, too bad, I’m not covering this up with a silly coat.
I wake up Clara and help her get back into her costume. I put makeup on her, which has become her favorite part about Halloween and playing dress-up. She is the ultimate girlie-girl. She puckers her lips and playfully threatens to kiss my cheek.
“Go kiss your mommy,” I encourage her. “Jack should be here any minute.” She runs into her bedroom and finds my sister getting ready, her costume not exactly kid-friendly, but Clara’s still too young to think anything... I hope.
I answer the door quickly when he knocks, welcoming him into the apartment. I meant to straighten it up a little before he came over, but forgot. It’s not too bad.
“Hey,” he says, smiling broadly, arms outstretched for a hug. “You look great.”
“You, too,” I tell him. I watch him as he walks across the room, noticing how well his jeans fit him. Jen comes out of her room, her short white skirt barely covering her. I’m somewhat embarrassed by her right now. She looks great in it, but it almost seems desperate.
“Jen,” he says, barely seeing her, as he walks to the window to look outside.
“Hey, Jack!” she says, clearly wanting attention. I narrow my eyes in her direction, and she retreats to her room and sends Clara out. Jack turns around, likely seeing the butterfly wings reflected in the window.
“What a beautiful butterfly!” he says as he kneels to meet her at eye-level, his tone playful.
“Thank you, Jack,” my niece says shyly.
“Are we ready to go?” She nods excitedly and he looks up at me. I copy my niece’s response.
“You both might need jackets,” Jack says. “It’s a little chilly.”
“I’ll be fine. And Madame Butterfly has a wrap for just such an occasion,” I tell him. “Mustn’t hide the wings.” I wink at him, picking up the shawl.
“Of course,” he smiles back.
“Bye, Jen!” I yell on my way out. “Nine-thirty, right?”
“See you then,” she says.
“Nine-thirty?” Jack asks, closing the door.
“She’s going to pick Clara up... isn’t that when you said your sister would be taking off?”
“Oh, yeah,” he says, interest piqued. We haven’t been truly alone together since the night of the wedding. I simply wonder to myself if I’ll be able to maintain the friend distance. I grab his hand as we follow Clara to the elevator.
“Is that a good idea?” he asks, as if able to read my mind.
“I’m not sure,” I admit, shrugging my shoulders and smiling coyly. “We’ll find out.”
When we walk into Jack’s house, the familiar smell of Italian food fills the space. He leads Clara and I into the kitchen, where Kelly is taking a large dish of lasagna out of the oven.
“You’re just in time,” she says.
“It smells wonderful,” I comment.
“Emi, it’s good to finally meet you,” she says.
“You, too.”
“And Clara,” she adds, “you look very pretty.”
“Thank you,” my niece says, ducking behind my legs.
“Jacqueline and Andrew are downstairs,” Kelly tells her, “with Maddie and Brandon and his friends. Do you want to go play with them while we get dinner ready?” She nods.
“I’ll take you down there,” Jack says, but she hangs on to my jeans.
“Let’s all go,” I suggest. “I’ll be right back to help you,” I tell Kelly.
“Oh, we’ve got it covered,” she returns. Jack leads Clara and I downstairs into the basement. Jack introduces me to all of Kelly’s kids, as well as to her oldest son’s two friends. The older sister is helping the younger two color on a large piece of craft paper on the floor. The older boys are playing pool in one of the side rooms.
Clara immediately joins Jackie, who had become her friend last year at day care.
“Will you be okay down here?” I ask her. She nods, picking up a crayon and beginning to draw. Jack and I go back upstairs to join his sister. A man is in the kitchen helping her.
“Emi,” Jack says, “this is Thomas, my brother-in-law.” He seems to be a few years older than Jack and Kelly, probably around forty. I shake his hand, quickly recognizing him as one of the men who helped Jack when he confronted Colin... that seems like so long ago.
Jack and I set the table for four, and then put plates and silverware at four more seats at the bar. Thomas gets out three paper plates, apparently for the older boys who are going to eat downstairs.
After dinner, Thomas volunteers to do the dishes while Kelly, Jack, me and the four younger kids go trick-or-treating. The older boys, not interested in collecting candy, are watching a movie in the home theatre in the basement.
“Jacks is so nice to let the kids come over every year,” Kelly says as we wait at the end of the sidewalk, watching the children and checking out all the other costumes walking t
he street that night. Did she call him Jacks? “We’re pretty spread out from our neighbors where we live. Trick-or-treating isn’t as much fun when you’re driving door-to-door.”
“I can imagine not,” I agree. “Jen used to be in the same situation.”
“How is she doing?” Kelly asks. The tone in which she asks the question makes it obvious that she knows about the divorce this year.
“She’s great,” I tell her. “She and Clara are living with me.”
“And how are Chris and Anna?” she asks.
“Fine,” I say, smiling. “They had a hard time getting back into the flow after two weeks in Hawaii. And Anna started a new job here in the city... they’re thinking about moving to Brooklyn.”
“I bet you’d like that,” she says.
“Definitely.”
Jack doesn’t say much as we wander the streets in his neighborhood, letting his sister and I get better acquainted. She’s very warm, very open, definitely suited to be a mother with obvious nurturing skills. It’s easy to talk to her.
As the night wears on, cooler weather sets in, and I begin to wish that I had brought another jacket to wear. Jack, noticing that I’m cold, stands behind me and rubs my arms.
Each time we take a break from walking to the next house, he wraps his arms around me. I wonder if he can feel my heart beating faster in my chest.
“Why didn’t you bring your coat again?” he asks smugly.
“Because it didn’t go with this outfit,” I explain, knowing it’s a silly reason. “But I don’t regret it at all.” I snuggle further into his embrace.
After an hour and a half, Clara, Jackie and Andrew are beginning to tire and complain that they’re cold, so we head back to the house to sort through the candy. After determining that the guys are watching a scary movie downstairs, we keep the other kids upstairs to go through their loot. They each pick out their favorites and do a little creative swapping, eating a few pieces while they’re sorting through the pumpkins. Andrew goes to the bookshelf and pulls off a book, taking it over to Jack to read. His youngest niece and nephew take seats on either side of him on the couch, both leaning into him while he reads. Clara comes to sit in my lap in a club chair on the opposite wall while Kelly and Maddie go into the kitchen.