The day women figure out that both men and women are spinning around on this blue planet in an unsure universe hurtling thousands of miles an hour into an oblivion that no one is sure when it will end is the day I am out of business. Thankfully that day will never happen. Not as long as Cosmopolitan and Women's Health magazines exist.
“So, about last months payment...”
At lunch I head over to Tony's. The place is deader than usual. Ira waves at me when I come in and starts pouring me a glass of wine. She raises an eyebrow and I shake my head. No rice today. Ever since she told me that the place was closing and there were cutbacks the quality of the food has suffered. I sit down and light a cigarette. Someone at the other end of the restaurant looks over and sees my cigarette and starts coughing. I blows rings at him and smile as Ira sits down across from me and lights up.
"How are you doing, Ira?" I ask her. Ira is the only person who when I ask how they are doing I honestly care. She inhales and blows the smoke towards the ceiling before beginning.
"Cyrus, what in the blue hell am I going to do?" she asks me. "I've been working here for the past twenty some odd years. Before that I answered phones for ten years. Do you know what I wanted to be when I was younger?"
"No, I do not."
"A counselor" she admits. "I wanted to make a difference in people's lives. And don't you give me that crap about how I make a difference here."
"I couldn't imagine saying such a thing."
"I know you wouldn't, Cyrus" she says. I can see that Ira is genuinely concerned.
Back when I first started my business I would come here and order coffee. Ira was a few years younger and on her third husband. The place was a bit more busy and known for their lemonade and pies. Tony refused to continue paying for fresh ingredients so the lemonade became flavored drink and the pies vanished. But I liked the place because all I ordered was coffee and Ira allowed me to smoke.
I had very little money and could only afford one cup. Ira was bored and lonely and wanted someone to talk to. We were a match made in Heaven. She would tell me about her life at home. I would just listen. Ira knows very little about my life except for Maggie and slightly what I do for a living. She also knows what she read in the papers a while back.
Once I began to take on more clients and make more money I began ordering the wine. It was not particularly good but it had a calming effect on me. The rice was just to absorb the alcohol. Throughout all of this Ira and Tony's was always here. Now it is closing down and Ira has no idea what she is going to do with her life.
"Come and work for me," I tell her.
"Don't be silly, Cyrus," she says as she stamps out her cigarette in a leftover coffee cup from a nearby table. "You don't want somebody like me in your office."
"Have you ever seen my office?" I ask her. She smiles.
"No, Cyrus," she says. "I've never seen your office."
"Then there is no way you could possibly know what 'somebody' like you would look like in my office." I take her hand and smile. It's a genuine smile. "Do you have Tony's home number?"
"Of course," she tells me. She reaches into her bra and hands me her cell phone. She blushes.
"That kind of behavior will not fly in my office" I tell her. I find Tony's number and call him. "Hello, Tony. No, this is not Ira. I am a frequent customer of your establishment. Yes. Years. Oh, the coffee is delicious but I hear the pies and lemonade were once fabulous." Ira covers her mouth to keep Tony from hearing her laugh. "I did not call to discuss food, Tony. I am calling to let you know that effective immediately Ira is no longer an employee of your establishment. Illegal? How so? I see. There is absolutely no law within the state of California that requires an employee to give notice to their current employer. Courtesy? Common courtesy even? Courteous would have been if you had some form of a retirement package for your longest working employee. Courteous would have been a letter of recommendation. Courteous would have been you telling Ira to her face that you were closing your establishment and not having her arrive at 6am to find a note taped to the door which had fallen and had to be placed back." Ira's mouth drops. "You have annoyed me, Anthony. I do not like being annoyed. What I do not like even more than being annoyed is challenged with state law. Right now there are sixty-three building and health code violations. Thirteen of them carry a fine of just over $10,000. Two could land you in jail for 3 years." There is silence on the other end of the line. "Are you still there? Good. You will write Ira a check for $60,000. That is two years worth of her salary. You will also...no. I am not a cop. No, not a lawyer either. Do not interrupt me again. Shut up and listen. You will also donate $10,000 to the nearest battered and abused women shelter. Are we clear? Thank you." I hand Ira back her cell phone and begin drinking my wine.
"You are insane," Ira tells me as she stuff her cell back into her bra.
"'Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed'."
EIGHT
I sat in my kitchen, which I rarely did, and watched the news, which I also rarely do. Humans are the only creatures that can make themselves afraid of no threat. I mentioned this once to my father when I was a child. You know, before I talked him into killing himself. He said that squirrels were always afraid. I explained to him the difference between skittish and afraid. He then beat me for an hour.
The news is talking about a new strain of flu that can kill anyone within days of contracting it. Then they say that there is not nearly enough vaccines to go around before showing the remarkable story of a dog that saved its owners life. I contact one of my former clients who happens to be a doctor. He tells me that he has no idea what the news is talking about and that the only people in danger of dying from the new flu are children with already weakened immune systems. I thank him and head to work.
I arrive to work and Ira is already there. So is my ex fiancé, Maggie. They are laughing. I do not like this for a moment. Maggie spots me out of the corner of her eye and continues talking to Ira who is enjoying the company.
“Leave” I instruct Maggie. She stops mid-laughter and looks at me. “Ira, what did I just say to this lady?” I don’t use Maggie’s name.
“Well, you told her to leave” Ira says. “But I don’t see any harm…”
“Take a break, Ira,” I say while keeping my eyes on Maggie.
“But I just got here ten minutes ago, Cyrus,” she informs me.
“Then that means you were seven minutes late and my name is Mr. Tatum” I say while slowly turning my gaze towards her. She looks at me and smiles before heading towards the elevator. Maggie begins to leave with her but I block her exit making sure not to physically touch her. If I were to come in contact with her that would be considered unlawful restraint. “You should never come here and you are no longer allowed here. If I ever see you near my office I will file a restraining order.”
“Ira let me in,” Maggie says. “I just wanted to see you.”
“I do not ever want to see you again,” I tell her and begin to walk into my office.
“I’m pregnant,” she says.
“Congratulations,” I tell her.
“It’s not Baby Bigfoot's,” she tells me. This is interesting. “I kinda…slept around.”
“I see,” I say and turn towards her. “You left me for a richer man that you loathe sleeping with so you hire me to get you to and then you get pregnant by a random stranger and when your husband finds out you will be out on the street faster than last weeks garbage and now you want me to help. Sounds like the blockbuster hit of the summer. Perhaps they can get Courtney Cox to play you.”
“It wasn’t a stranger” she says. “It was your brother.” I take a step towards her and she takes one back. “Just because you and I stopped talking doesn’t mean I cut your family out of my life. Cyrus, your brother is an amazing man…”
“Married man.”
“…and I don’t know how it happened but one day I went for a visit and he saw how much hurt you w
ere causing me…”
“A married man with three children.”
“…and one thing led to another. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She places her hands protectively over her stomach. I walk into my office. “What are you doing?” I return and hand her a card. “What’s this?”
“It’s the address for a nearby abortion clinic” I tell her. “Show them this at the front desk and they will take care of you.” Her lip quivers and that is my cue. I head to my office, close the door, and call security. They arrive within seconds. Ten minutes later Ira returns and knocks on my door. “Come in, Ira.”
“So what’s going on?” she asks me. “She seemed like a nice girl.”
“That was Maggie” I say. Ira’s mouth drops. “Yes. That Maggie. If you ever see her again call the police.”
“She told me her name was Linda” she says. I motion for her to sit which she does. She removes a cigarette from her $11,000 purse which I bought her.
“Not in here” I say. “Let’s head to the roof.”
“The roof?”
“You’ll see.”
The beautiful rooftop is the reason I chose this office. We take the elevator and arrive. Ira’s mouth drops when she sees the garden and the view. I motion for her to keep walking. I light up a cigarette and inhale deeply. Ira walks over to me and borrows my lighter.