"I understand," she said quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was talk someone into a relationship with a drinker. She finished making the tuna salad and put it on the table along with a few slices of bread and a couple of plates. Then she took the ravioli out of the microwave and lifted Cody from Jessie's lap to his high chair.
"Anyhow," Jessie said, "I didn't come here to talk about Noel."
"Ah." Kim sat down next to Cody. "You have an agenda."
Jessie nodded, but she couldn't seem to meet Kim's eyes. She took a slice of bread on her plate and spooned tuna salad onto it. "I like you, Kim," she said. "And if Adam were ready to get involved with someone, I'd be really happy it was you." She carefully placed a second slice of bread on top of the tuna. "But he's not ready," she continued. "It's too soon. He lost his whole family. He hasn't had time to get over it yet, and I'm afraid he's jumping into something with you just so he can stop feeling the pain." She looked at Kim. "I understand him wanting to do that. I'd like to find an escape from the pain myself. But I know I need to feel it for awhile. And he does too." She looked down at her sandwich as though she didn't know what to do with it now that she'd made it. "I'm afraid he's going to get hurt," she said.
Kim fed Cody a piece of ravioli. "I've been honest with him, Jessie," she said. "I've told him that I'm not ready for a relationship either. Right now, we're just a comfort for each other."
Jessie began to cry. The tears were sudden, catching Kim by surprise, and she reached across the table to touch Jessie's arm.
"I'm sorry." Jessie wiped her eyes with her napkin. "I know I'm being selfish. Up until you came along, Adam and I were both wallowing in grief. It was awful, but at least we were doing it together. Now he's happier because you're around, and I'm wallowing all by myself. And I think it's right to still be wallowing. It hasn't been that long."
"You must have been very close to Dana and the children."
"Molly and Liam were everything to me." Jessie stood up and pulled a tissue from the box on the kitchen counter. "I don't think I'm the marrying type. I may never have children. Molly and Liam felt like the closest I might ever get to having kids of my own."
"There'll be other guys for you," Kim said. "There'll be children." She knew her argument was weak, even offensive. Molly and Liam were no more replaceable than Tyler Miller would have been had she lost him to Jim.
Jessie wrinkled her nose as she returned to her seat. "I don't think so. I couldn't go through this again. This…losing everybody."
Kim leaned toward her. "Things will get better, Jessie," she said. "It takes time. But you're a strong person." She recalled hearing those words from her therapist during her hospitalization. She hadn't believed them then, and she doubted Jessie believed them now.
"It would have helped if the guy who killed them had to pay for what he did." Jessie tore at the tissue in her hands. Her face was red, and there was anger in her eyes. "This way there's no justice. No resolution."
"I know," Kim said. "I think Adam feels the same way."
"He used to feel that way," Jessie said bitterly. "At least until you came along. Now, everything's just peachy."
"No, everything's not peachy," Kim argued. "It's just that Adam's learning to—"
"Look." Jessie seemed suddenly angry. "Quit trying to fix my brother, okay? He needs to get better at his own pace."
Kim was surprised by the hostility in her voice. "I'm not trying to—"
"Right. I know." Jessie held up her hands to stop Kim's words. "I know you're not intentionally doing anything to help or harm, but it's happening, anyway." She stood up and took a step away from the table.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Kim asked.
"I'm sorry." Jessie looked at the untouched sandwich. "Maybe you could save it for your dinner." She started for the door, and Kim felt distressed by the sudden turn their conversation had taken. Jessie was jealous all right, but not of the attention Adam was paying to Kim. She was jealous of her brother's ability to get on with his life. Jessie was stuck, and she was determined to keep Adam stuck with her.
Kim made sure Cody was strapped into his high chair, then followed Jessie to the door. "I know this has been an awful year for both of you," she said, when she'd caught up to her, "but it's not fair for you to try to hold Adam back this way."
"Don't tell me what's fair." Jessie's voice had lost its volume, but not its anger. "Nothing, absolutely nothing, about life is fair. Maybe you haven't figured that out yet, Kim. You have this great little boy and a comfortable life. You don't know how quickly all of that can change."
Kim opened her mouth to argue that point, but wisely closed it again. "Maybe not," she said quietly. "Maybe I don't."
Shutting the door after Jessie left, she leaned against it, eyes closed and her knees shaking from the confrontation.
She knew more than Jessie could ever guess about life's unfairness.
–23–
"I've started working on the article," Lucy said from the glider on the porch.
"Which article?" Kim set down her mug of coffee to zip her jacket. It was chilly this morning.
"The one you've inspired me to write. You know, on young single mothers."
"Oh. How's it coming along?"
"Well, I need to interview some mothers, and I'd like to start with you, if you're willing."
Kim picked up her mug again and sat back in the rocking chair, her eyes on Cody. He was standing up on the rocker nearest her, and she was ready to grab him if he lost his balance. "I don't know, Lucy," she said.
"It would be fun," Lucy said. "I'd have a photographer come out and take pictures of you and Cody and—"
"Oh, no." Kim shook her head. "No, thanks. I just want to live a nice quiet, anonymous life." She wondered if this could be a trap of some sort. Maybe the police told Lucy to see how she'd react to the idea of having her picture in a widely circulated magazine.
"Well, believe me," Lucy chuckled. "People won't recognize you on the street on the strength of one of my articles. I wish I had that sort of readership, dear, but I don't."
Kim finished her coffee. "Maybe the interview part," she said, "but no pictures. Okay?"
"All right." Lucy gave in. "Though I hope you'll change your mind. Maybe we could do it next week. I should have the article outlined by then."
"Can you change my name in the article?" Kim asked. "A lot of writers do that, don't they?"
"If you like " Lucy looked thoughtful for a moment. "I guess I understand how you feel," she said, "and you're probably right about not putting in a picture. You're a young single woman and you don't want some strange person to come looking for you and Cody. I think you're right."
"Good. Thanks." She stood up and moved Cody from the rocker to the floor of the porch. "Are you about ready for a walk, kiddo?" she asked him.
"By the way," Lucy said as Kim was putting Cody in the stroller. "I worry about you when you don't come home at night."
Kim looked at her in surprise. "Oh." She smiled. She hadn't thought about what the neighbors might think. "Sorry, Mom."
"Well, how do I know you're not lying in a gutter somewhere with your throat slit?" Lucy sounded defensive.
Kim leaned over to zip up Cody's jacket. "Thanks for worrying about me, but I'm all right."
"Well, you're old enough that I don't need to give you advice, I suppose," Lucy said. "Maybe that can be another part of my article." She gazed into space. "You know, how to balance single motherhood with your love life."
Kim laughed. "You'll have to find someone else to interview for that part of the article," she said. She turned the stroller toward the street just as Ellen poked her head out the front door.
"My client isn't here yet?" Ellen sounded exasperated.
"Haven't seen anyone," Lucy said.
"Ellen?" Kim asked. "Will someone be able to fix that faucet in my apartment soon?" She'd taken to stuffing pieces of tissue in her ears at night to block the sound.
"Soon," Ellen said
. "The plumber I use is really backed up." She looked down the street and shook her head. "Guess I have a free hour." With a shrug, she disappeared inside again.
"You need to be more assertive," Lucy said once Ellen had shut the door. "You've been after her about that leak for days. You should give her hell."
"I'm not much of a hell-giver," Kim said. Besides, she needed to stay on Ellen's good side. "We'll see you later," she said.
"Bye, dear," Lucy waved. "Have fun."
Kim started walking toward the park. The conversation with Lucy had left her half amused, half unnerved. It was nice to know she had a neighbor who wanted to watch out for her safety, but she didn't want anyone to know her every move. It was best to keep Lucy in the dark about her comings and goings. That way, if she ever did leave for real, it would take Lucy a few days to realize she was actually gone.
The leaves seemed to have deepened to richer golds and reds overnight, and she felt as though she and Cody were moving through a tunnel of color as they approached the playground. The stroller made a crackling sound as she pushed it through the layer of fallen leaves.
Roxanne was there with her two boys. Jack stood at the top of the slide, yelling at some imaginary playmate; Roxanne pushed Brandon on the swing. Kim joined them, pushing Cody, chatting with her new friend about the weather and raking leaves and Halloween costumes.
"Jack insists on being a monster this year," Roxanne said. "Not that he needs a costume for that." She laughed. "But anyhow, he apparently has this specific monster in mind, with this green head and warts all over its neck. Yuck! The store had to order the costume in his size. Do you believe it? Special ordering a Halloween costume for a four year old. I must be out of my mind. So it's supposed to arrive sometime this week, and it better get here by Halloween or someone's going to be upset."
"I'm sure it will be worth the wait," Kim said, although she couldn't imagine spending that sort of money on a costume for a child. Apparently, Roxanne did not do her shopping at garage sales,
"I told my husband he'll have to be the one to open the package when it arrives, though," Roxanne continued. "After those bombings, I'm nervous about opening anything that gets delivered to the house."
"Well, those bombs didn't actually come through the mail, so I think you'll be safe," Kim said. She wished she could tell Roxanne that she had nothing to fear. She could practically guarantee that Roxanne could safely open any package that came to her door. It was Ryan Geary who had to be careful, and it was beginning to look as though it was up to Kim to make sure he never got that package.
She left the park after half an hour and started walking toward town and the bank. She'd gotten a check from Noel the day before and she couldn't cash it soon enough.
As she neared the bank building, she noticed something different about the unfinished mural painted on its outside brick wall. At first she thought it was the clean, bright October sunshine that gave the painting its new look, but then she saw that the enchanting little snow-covered village depicted in the mural had been given a few new buildings, and children now skated on a frozen pond, surrounded by pine trees laced with snow.
Best of all, though, the artist himself was there. Kim stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, a smile spreading across her face.
Adam stood on a ladder at the far side of the mural, a huge paintbrush in his hand as he worked a white cloud into the vivid blue sky above the village.
"Hooray," she said under her breath. There was a bench on the sidewalk a few feet from where she stood, and she quietly took a seat, then leaned over to whisper to Cody. "Adam's painting, Cody," she said. "See the pretty church? See the children on the pond?"
She sat there at least five minutes before one of Cody's squeals caused Adam to turn around and spot them. He smiled, waving the hand with the paintbrush in it, and climbed down the ladder to walk toward her.
"How long have you been sitting here?" he asked.
"Just long enough to feel overjoyed. How wonderful to see you working."
Adam looked over his shoulder at the mural, then sat down next to her. "Great weather for this," he said. "My favorite time to paint. And the dreams were there this morning. They've been there for a few days. Guess all I needed was a couple of rolls in the hay." He grinned at her.
With a jolt, she realized that was the sort of thing Linc would say. Adam and Linc shared an irreverence she found appealing.
"Glad I could help," she said. She lifted Cody out of the stroller and let him climb on the bench.
"My dream last night was about you, actually," he said. "I think that means I should paint you."
She groaned. "Try to find some other meaning in it, okay?" Everyone wanted to immortalize her today.
An elderly woman walked by and let out a gasp of pleasure when she saw the mural. Then she noticed Adam sitting on the bench.
"I've been praying every day to see you back at that wall again, Mr. Soria," she said.
"Thanks." Adam waved at her. "I can use all the prayers I can get." Once the woman had passed, he returned his attention to Kim. "Want to go to a movie with Jessie and me tonight?"
She wondered if Jessie would want to go out with them, given the conversation she and Kim had had the day before.
"I don't think I'd better." She nodded toward Cody. "Remember how noisy he was the last time we tried it?"
"Look," Adam said. "I've got a list of baby-sitters a yard long. We used them for Molly and Liam, so they're tried and true. Let me call one of them for you. They can watch Cody at my house or yours or wherever—"
"No." She wrapped her arm lightly around her son. He was standing on the bench next to her, bouncing up and down, grinning at the traffic as it passed by on the street.
Adam frowned. "It would be good for you to have some non-maternal time, Kim. Good for both of you."
She couldn't quite shake the feeling that leaving Cody with someone else for a few hours made her a bad mother. But Adam was right. She didn't want Cody to grow up afraid of being separated from her. Even the best mothers left their kids with sitters from time to time.
"All right," she agreed, "But I'll want to talk to the baby-sitter myself, okay?"
"Sure. That's great."
She needed to talk to him about Jessie, but now was not a good time. He was too happy. She didn't want to bring him down.
Adam glanced at his mural. "You going to watch for a while?" he asked.
"If that's okay with you."
"Be my guest."
She watched him work with a mixture of envy and admiration. There was something about the vast canvas that appealed to her, that made her arm ache with longing to sweep paint across that wide brick wall. Other people joined her on the bench, all of them smiling and fascinated by the work of art taking shape in front of them.
She thought back to her conversation with Jessie. Adam was ready to move on, no matter what Jessie thought. His being back at work had to be a good sign; his relationship with Kim could only be helping. Why should he suffer any longer than he had to just to keep his sister company in her misery?
Kim left Cody with a baby-sitter that night while she and Adam and Jessie went to the movies. The sitter, a seventeen-year-old girl who brought a stack of textbooks with her to Adam's house, seemed competent enough, and Adam assured Kim that the girl had taken care of Liam and Molly for several years before the accident.
There were actually periods of time during the evening when Kim didn't think about Cody at all, but she declined Jessie's suggestion to get something to eat after the movie, and Adam supported her need to get home.
"It's mama's first night out." Adam hugged Kim's shoulders as they left the theater. "She needs to make it short."
Jessie didn't argue. Although she was quieter than usual, she didn't seem to harbor any ill feelings toward Kim, and she even attempted to comfort her on the drive home with stories of the sitter's trustworthiness.
Kim felt ridiculous for her anxiety once they arrived at Adam's
house. The sitter reported that Cody had slept through the entire evening. Kim checked on him, and found him still sound asleep, peacefully curled up with his monkey in Liam s bed.
Jessie went over to her own house to "check on the kittens," she said, but she returned shortly, and although she was cheerful and agreeable, she seemed determined to foil any attempts at intimacy between her brother and Kim for that night. Kim finally went home around eleven.
The following night, though, Adam escaped from his chaperone and stayed at Kim's apartment. They spent the evening playing board games and watching a movie on TV. They spent Sunday together as well, Adam showing her sights around Annapolis she hadn't yet taken the time to explore. As Sunday night approached, though, and Adam gave no indication of going home, Kim finally had to tell him she needed some time alone.
"You needed to be alone last Sunday night, too," Adam said. It didn't sound like a complaint, but she thought she detected some hurt behind the words.
"I just like to have some time for myself once in awhile," she said.
"I bet I know how you spend your Sunday nights," Adam said. "You probably pamper yourself, right? You take a long bath with exotic oils in the water. You sip herbal tea and lather cream on your skin."
"How did you know?" she asked, and he didn't press her further. She could hardly tell him that she spent Sunday nights lying in bed, the radio playing on the shelf behind her head, with her mind—and her heart—two thousand miles away from Annapolis. She was having an affair with a voice on the radio.
She lay in her bed that night as she waited for the start of Linc's show, trying to form an image of his face in her mind. She wished she'd saved a picture of him. Even when he'd been in prison, she'd had pictures of him to hold on to and visits with him every month. Now, her memory of his face was beginning to blur.
'Song for the Asking' came on the radio, and she closed her eyes to wait for Linc's voice. But before he even bothered to greet his listeners, he played the Everly Brothers' "Wake Up Little Susie," and she sat up straight in the bed.