Page 29
Maybe, but maybe not.
My mom secures a piece of tape on the Christmas present and then sticks a bow on it. “There, I think I’ve finally got everything wrapped. ” She leans back to put the Christmas present below the small artificial tree in the corner.
I frown as I slump back in the sofa. “Why is everyone so into presents all of a sudden? We never made a big deal about them before. First Ella and now you.
“So… what’s wrong with changing things and giving presents?”
“Because I didn’t get anyone anything. ”
“Are you really worried about everyone or just Ella?”
I sigh. “She got me something and it feels like I should give her something back, but I don’t want it to be something stupid—I want it to mean something. ”
My mom eyes me over for a moment and then she gets to her feet. “Get your coat on and follow me. ”
“Why?”
“Just do it. ” She uses her stern voice and I get to my feet.
We put on our coats and then she heads outside, taking Ella’s and my path and climbing over the fence to get to Ella’s yard. I follow her, totally confused because she’s acting weird. Then we wind around the Firebird and step up the back stairs to the door and she knocks, which makes things even weirder because I’ve rarely knocked before. I usually just walk in.
“Mom, seriously, what are we doing?” I ask, stuffing my hands into my pockets.
My mom knocks again and then turns to me, shivering from the cold. “A few weeks ago, I saw Raymond carrying out a bunch of boxes to the garage. I offered him some help and we got to talking and he told me that the boxes had some of Ella’s mom’s old stuff. ”
“Okay? I’m not following you, Mom. ”
She smiles at me. “I’m thinking that Ella would probably really like something that belonged to her mom, maybe something she could wear at the wedding. ”
I open my mouth to tell her this is by far the worst idea she’s ever had, since Ella’s dad gets weird talking about stuff like that and I’m not even sure how Ella would react if I gave her something of her mom’s since it’s such an emotional subject for her. But before I can say anything, the door opens up.
“Hey, Terri,” Mr. Daniels says, looking confused as to why the two of us would be standing on his doorstep.
“Hey, Raymond,” my mom says with a smile. “I have a huge favor to ask you. ”
I shake my head. My mom hasn’t always been this way—so pushy. Well, she sort of has, considering it was her idea for Ella and me to get married in the first place, but she seems to be getting pushier the older she gets.
Raymond’s brows crease and my mom starts explaining the little Christmas present dilemma. I feel my inside wind into knots, worried that it’s going to upset him and he’s going to take it out on Ella. I know they’ve been good and everything, but still I can’t shake the past and the things I’ve seen.
And when my mom says, “So we were wondering if maybe there was something of Maralynn’s we could give her, maybe in one of those boxes I helped you put in the garage a few weeks ago?”
He scratches his head, looking really uncomfortable. “I’m not really sure there is. I mean, most of that stuff was just old clothes of hers. ”
I tug on my mom’s sleeve and say to Mr. Daniels, “No worries, we’ll figure something else out. ”
My mom ignores me, keeping her feet planted. “There’s not even, like, a piece of her jewelry or something? Like some earrings that were hers?”
Raymond looks even more uneasy and I’m about to just walk off and leave her there when suddenly he stands up straighter and looks over at the garage.
“Hold on… I think I just thought of something. ” He leans back into the house and grabs a large coat, slipping it on along with a beanie before he steps out and shuts the door. We follow him to the garage and my mom shoots me a grin, like, Ha-ha, I was right, and I shake my head but smile.
When we get inside the garage, Mr. Daniels flips on the lights and heads over to a stack of boxes in the corner. He lifts up the top box and sets it aside and then stares at the box below it for a moment, almost as if he’s afraid to open it. I glance at my mom, who swallows hard, looking a bit uneasy. But then Mr. Daniels relaxes a little and carefully opens the box. He rummages around inside it for a moment and then he takes out this small wooden box. When he turns around, he’s holding it in his hand like it’s something really important.
“We didn’t have a real wedding, you know,” he says, looking up from the box. “We barely even dressed up. ”
My mom nods understandingly. “Micha’s father and I got married at a park and I think there was, like, a total of ten guests. ”
“We only had two,” Mr. Daniels says. “They were both my friends, and the only reason we invited them was to be our witnesses. Maralynn didn’t want to have anyone else there. ” He takes a deep breath and sighs. “But anyway,” he says, and extends his arm toward me, urging me to take the wooden box. “I gave this to Ella’s mom the morning of our wedding. It’s not anything fancy. I actually bought it at a pawnshop for, like, twenty-five bucks, but she wore it when we got married and maybe you can give it to Ella and have her do the same. ”
The box creaks as I open it. Inside there’s a black ribbon threaded through a small red rose pendant.
“It’s a necklace,” Mr. Daniels tells me. “Ella’s mom had a thing for roses. I’m not sure if Ella will even want to wear it, but it doesn’t hurt to try. ”
Discounting the fact that Ella might get a little emotional about it being her mom’s, if this were a normal necklace I could see her wearing it with pride.
“Thanks,” I say, shutting the box. “I’m sure she’ll like it and I’m sure she’ll be glad that you gave it to her. ”
Mr. Daniels nods, and then without saying anymore we leave the garage. My mom and he chat at the back door for a little while about nothing major as I stare at the sky noting that it’s turning gray and wondering if Ella came home while we were in the garage. I decide to go check and say thanks again to Mr. Daniels before I head back over to my house. When I walk in, Lila and Ethan tell me that she’s not there and that they’re getting ready to go visit his parents for a while, even though he doesn’t want to. They head out and I go into my room and hide the necklace. Then, trying to distract myself, I read some of her mom’s journal. Page after page of dark thoughts:
I can’t do this. Be a mother and a wife. I thought I could but now I feel like I need to run, flee, escape the fear of commitment on foot. Because it’s either escape or wait until Raymond decides he’s had enough of me and abandons me. It’s inevitable. I can feel it. He’ll leave me because really I’m not good enough and sometimes I don’t want to be good enough. It’s too much work and takes too much strength and I’m so tired.
Maybe I should just run away and leave it all behind.
I really should.
Her words pierce at my chest because if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Ella had written them. But I don’t believe that Ella will run away again. She loves me and I know that, even if she has a hard time expressing her feelings. I know she wants to be with me. She moved the ring to her engagement finger and moved in with me. She won’t run.
She can’t.
I keep reading through and my mom sticks her head into my room to tell me she’s heading out with Thomas to get some dinner.
“Do you want anything?” she asks me.
I shake my head. “No, thanks. ”
“Well, there are some leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry,” she says.
“Thanks,” I say and she smiles and then starts to shut the door.
“And Mom?”
She pauses. “Yeah. ”
“Thanks for going over to the Daniels’s and doing that,” I say.
She smiles. “No problem. I’m just glad we found you s
omething good to give her. ”
“Me too,” I tell her.
When she leaves, I glance at the clock and decide to give Ella fifteen more minutes before I go searching for her. I continue reading the journal, periodically checking the clock. The next several pages are equally depressing and my heart starts to feel heavy in my chest. It’s like I’m reading about a downward spiral, but fortunately I’m the one reading it, not Ella. It was her choice not to, which makes her so much stronger than all this darkness, because she knew it would probably bring her down and she chose not to let it—she chose to be happy.
I’m about to put the journal away when I realize there’s only one more page left and I decide to read it so I can be done with it. But then I’ll have to go and break the news to Ella that I couldn’t find anything happy inside the journal. Hopefully it won’t crush her heart.
But as I read over the last page the heaviness dissipates and the words kind of make me smile. After I finish reading it, I get up to go look for Ella because I’m worried about her being gone for so long and because she needs to read this. I put my jacket on and head to the back door where I left my boots, but as I’m crossing the kitchen, the door opens and a breeze gusts inside. Ella enters looking as frozen as a Popsicle, her lips blue, her cheeks kissed pink, and she’s shivering.
She offers me a small smile as she shuts the back door behind her. “Were you going somewhere?” she asks, eyeing my coat as she hugs her sketchbook to her chest.
“Yeah, to look for you. ” I stop zipping up my jacket and place my hands on her cheeks, which are ice cold. “God, you’re freezing. How long were you out there?”
She looks over at the clock on the microwave. “A couple of hours. ”
“Jesus, Ella. ” I take the sketchbook and set it aside on the counter. Then I tug off her gloves, gather her hands in mine, and breathe on them while I try to rub warmth back into her.