Chapter 8 – No Hope
The joyous news of Lottie’s unexpected pregnancy courses around The Glass Palace with ease. Such gossip always spreads quickly, as does most about births, marriages and deaths. The entire House is ecstatic for them, wishes them well, and prays it will rain on the day she gives birth, signifying the child will have a life free of illness and worry. I’m happy for them. I know they’ll make excellent parents, and I really do want Brian to live a good life.
I tell myself I’m an idiot. I’m supposed to have put all this behind me! How could I have kissed him like that? I love Brian, at least I think I do, and it’s difficult to get him out of my head. Maybe, I won’t ever get over him. The thought that I might pine for this unattainable man my entire life brings out in me such a panic I can’t eat.
Three days after the incident, a knock on my door jolts me wide-awake in an instant. It’s early; I hadn’t expected to be getting up at the crack of dawn today. Who on earth is it? I bet it’s that Flynn from next door. I knew he wanted to cause me trouble the moment I set eyes on him. I’ll show him he can’t mess with me!
I jump out of bed and make for the door. I trip over Skye’s hammock, which is rolled into a ball. I fall onto a pile of magazines (also belonging to Skye) and end up feeling pain swell up abominably from my shoulder. What was I supposed to do with all this? I should’ve just let Flynn put it all in supplies. I know Skye is never coming back, whether she’s dead or alive. Why do I have to be so stubborn?
The door opens as I get to my feet. It’s Brian. He’s looking at me with amusement and I’m so embarrassed I want to hide under my bed sheets. Not because he sees me sprawled on the floor, but because I’m wearing only a pair of shorts, and I’ve just woken up. I’m having such an erection that he had to be blind not to notice it. This is the worst moment of my life.
“Am I still teaching you archery or not?” Brian asks. I’m eternally grateful that he doesn’t say anything.
I mumble, “I didn’t think...after what happened the other day...”
“I was glad you didn’t turn up for lessons because I was a little embarrassed, but as far as I’m concerned the events of the other day never happened,” Brian states, his voice brooking no dissent. “Am I clear on that?”
“Yes,” I answer, relieved.
He smiles and heads out. Just as I am about to shut the door and get dressed, he turns to me and says, “Try to think about something disgusting. It usually works to bring it down for me when I wake up with one of those.”
I hear him laugh, and I think him cruel, even though I suppose it is, in a way, amusing. I’m glad he has a sense of humor about this. If he had been angry and bitter about me kissing him, it would’ve made things so much worse. As things stand now, Brian is willing to forget anything happened. But can I do the same? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the way his lips felt pressed against mine, or his outrage, ever again.
Mother and Father are near the archery range when we arrive that morning. They seem to be mightily interested in the patch of forest where I’d accidentally shot the Felum.
Father is sniffing the ground when he says, “What Brian told me worries me. There has to be some explanation for this.”
Mother is holding two tiny Felum hairs. They are long and black. She is inspecting them like they could suddenly give up the secrets of the universe. I’ve never seen Mother so focused on something before.
“I’ll look through all the books we have on the Felum,” says Mother, slipping the hairs into a pocket. “We haven’t got much, though. It’s mostly just random stuff from travelers that we’ve accumulated over the years.”
“Any information we have is worth knowing,” says Father. He looks at me, his face serious. “Do you have anything to add?”
I know I should tell him the truth about my encounter with the Felum. It could be important. What if that Felum eventually does lead a raid on the House and people die? I’d never forgive myself for keeping something so important hidden from them. So I tell my parents, and Brian, the truth about what really happened that day, about who saved me from the gods.
“Is that everything?” Father demands.
“Yes. That’s everything.”
“Why would he save you?” Mother wonders. “Not that I won’t be eternally grateful; it just seems an odd thing to do.”
“He didn’t attack you or try to eat you?” Brian asks.
I shake my head. “He seemed almost kind. It’s hard to explain. I just had this feeling that he didn’t really mean me any harm.”
My parents look at each other, worried. They probably think I was too addled with fright at the time and didn’t know what I was saying. I have to assure them I’m telling the truth.
“I was as surprised as you were but it’s the truth,” I say. “And I think the Felum I shot yesterday was the same one that saved me.”
“How would you know that?” Father asks.
I squirm. “I saw him running away. It was the same one, I’m almost positive.”
“You never told me that,” says Brian, a little angry.
“I was distracted at the time,” I say. Brian leaves it at that, which confirms for me that he hasn’t told anyone that I kissed him. I’m relieved about that. I don’t want the whole House laughing behind my back.
Father seems to come to a decision. “So the Felum saved you and followed you back here to spy on you. This still begs the question of why; is he a spy, or is he something else?”
“How do we find out which?” Mother asks.
“We wait for him to come back. If he comes back. I want to know what he wants.”
“You think he’s specifically spying on Ben or the House in general?” Mother wonders. It’s like Brian and I don’t exist anymore. Mother and Father are only talking to each other.
“I’d say he was spying on Ben, mainly due to the fact that he saved our son’s life. What do you think?”
“I agree. I better go and get those books out. I’ll get some of my students to help me. They might enjoy it.”
Father kisses Mother. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she says, walking away.
My parents sometimes act like a young married couple. I suppose they are still relatively young, with them both being thirty-three. I know I won’t ever be in love like they are, or have someone feel that way about me. I hate being so pathetic but I can’t help it.
“What do you think, son?” Father asks.
I’m momentarily confused. “About what?”
Father sighs. My depression of the last five months has been quite hard on my father. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong and he hadn’t asked me about it. He probably thinks that I’m getting back to normal now that I’m having archery lessons with Brian. Then again, Father has only really known me as a child.
“The Felum,” Father reminds me. “Do you have any idea why it would follow you?”
I don’t know what to say. There is any number of reasons why this particular Felum is spying on us. It could be after food or somewhere new to live. He could have wandered into the area by accident and been hiding because he was scared we might see him and kill him.
“Maybe he was just checking up on me,” I suggest, suddenly thinking maybe I’m right. “He did save my life after all. He probably wanted to see if I was alright.”
“Which still begs the question; why does it care?” says Father.
“If you saved someone’s life, then you’d want him or her to stay alive.”
“A human might think that, but not a Felum.”
I suddenly feel very protective of my savior. The fact still remains that he saved my life. It was a very human thing to do, and I remind my father of this.
“They eat humans,” father says gravely. “Remember that.”
“He wouldn’t eat me!”
“Don’t shout at me,” Father growls. “Until we find out more about what this thing is up to, I suggest you think
of it as the enemy.”
After this, my father leaves. As mayor, he has a lot to occupy his time, but I have a feeling that right now he wants to be away from me. He can’t understand what I feel. That Felum saved me. I at least owe him something, even if that is defending him against Father.
Ten minutes into my archery lesson, several more students join us, which sours my mood a little. I want these lessons to include just Brian and myself. Not that I have any illusions any more that he fancies me, it’s just I don’t want to share him.
One of the new students is Tara Flavia-Casper, another one of my betrothal bids who appears to hold a grudge against me. The other is my new neighbor, Flynn. The very fact that neither of them likes me very much makes me suspicious. Has Brian invited them on purpose to act as some sort of barrier just in case I try to kiss him again?
As time goes on, I realize I am being a little paranoid. They are his regular students and Brian had put them off one day so he could devote extra time to me. This also means they dislike me even more, but I’m not bothered. Flynn isn’t my friend and I don’t want him to be. As for Tara I think I had a lucky break by not marrying her. She is the most miserable and egotistical girl I’ve ever met. I’d have preferred Lottie to her any day.
Something does become remarkably clear though, as the lesson progresses that morning. I have deluded myself into thinking my lessons have been going swimmingly and that I’m a genius when it comes to archery. That is not the case. It turns out I’m completely useless at it.
Flynn and Tara are so much better at it than me. True, they have been practicing a lot longer, but they seem to have such natural talent for it.
“How long have you been having lessons?” I ask Tara as Flynn scores a bull’s-eye.
“A few months now, on and off, when I can get the time,” Tara explains. She has black hair cut very short, and her nose appears bulky. Had she broken it at one time? “Brian is such a wonderful teacher. He makes learning easy.”
Tara gives Brian a wave and smiles. “He actually put in a bid to marry me one time but I declined. I wasn’t ready to get married back then.”
“Lucky you,” I mutter.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
Tara sighs. “Flynn is so good at this it makes me want to hit him. Still, thank goodness I’m not as useless as you.”
I laugh, holding in my anger. “Nobody could be as useless as me.”
“You can say that again,” Flynn mumbles.
Something isn’t right. I’m really, really good at aiming the slingshot. It comes so easy to me, it’s like the weapon is part of my arm. So why am I so bad at using the bow? There has to be a reason. When I look at Brian, stretching his arms, and my insides stir at the sight of how beautiful he is, I suddenly realize why. Brian is distracting me. I’m so obsessed with my crush or love or whatever it is, that it’s affecting my lessons.
I turn to Brian, who is watching me in earnest.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I shouldn’t be here,” I say, feeling quite dejected. “I’m not even very good at this, and after what happened…”
“It’s like I said; it never happened.”
I come in close to him so the others can’t hear. “It did happen, though. I’m sorry.”
Brian shuffles back a step so he’s not as close to me. He doesn’t trust me. He can’t stand to be near me. The kiss hasn’t been forgotten at all. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that he’d been forced into teaching me.
A sudden thought comes to me. “Is my father making you do this?”
“I teach everyone archery. Nobody forces me.”
“I’m not stupid. You ask Father if you can teach me archery and he says yes, and then suddenly you’re not doing that anymore. He ordered you to teach me whether you liked it or not.”
“That’s a lie,” says Brian, visibly seething. “He didn’t order me. He just suggested politely that I continue with your lessons.”
“Forget it,” I say angrily. “I’m going for a walk.”
He doesn’t even try to stop me.
As Tara takes her turn, I wander over to the edge of the forest. I’m heartbroken over the way Brian is acting, but I find my eyes are searching for something. I half expect my Felum to be here, spying on me for whatever nefarious or benign purpose it has in its savage mind. I find nothing but just the trees and the grass and the butterflies.
Before I know what I’m doing, I'm stepping into the forest. The boughs of the great trees shield the sun from me, and the wings of butterflies caress my face as they flutter gently by. I can hear the birds singing at volumes I’ve never heard before. It certainly is peaceful and serene. It brings back such wonderful memories of the life I’d previously led outside.
As I wade further in, the shouts of Tara and Flynn echo behind me, telling me it’s my turn. I tune out any noise or thought of them. In my mind they don’t exist. The only thing present in my universe in this space and time is the beauty of nature.
I sit on a fallen log, musing. I recall the time when I’d sheltered inside the hollowed out remains of a massive oak tree. It had been raining so heavily the drops of water had actually hurt when hitting my head, and I’d needed somewhere to take shelter. I was surprised to notice it standing quite near me. It had kept the rain off me all night, and I had slept as peacefully as I’d ever slept before. No bed or hammock could ever compare to the experiences I had sleeping under the night sky.
“What is your name?” a timid voice inquires.
I look up, expecting a member of the House. It is a very human sounding voice after all. Instead I find myself looking into the eyes of a Felum. He has a bandage around his left arm and a spear in his right. I don’t move a muscle, and neither does he. I reach down for the knife hanging in the sheathe on my belt and stand up, tense and ready to pounce. He may have saved me once but there is no telling what he’s going to do this time. This particular Felum is unpredictable and this thought scares me.
The Felum laughs and launches towards me, spear held straight out. I dive to the ground a mere second before the weapon would’ve punctured my chest and kick at the Felum’s legs. He grunts and stabs the spear down to impale my face but I flip onto my feet and slash towards him with my knife. The blade narrowly misses his injured arm and he roars and uses his free hand to backhand me across the face.
“You fight well,” says the Felum.
“Why are you spying on me?” I shout at him. Instead of answering my question he comes at me again, swinging his spear around his head like a baton of death.
All of a sudden, the Felum halts. I take the opportunity to go at him with my knife. He just hits me in the stomach with the other end of his spear and I double over with painful cramps.
“We must stop this,” says the Felum. “I merely asked for your name.”
“My name is Ben.” My stomach is terribly sore. “You came all the way out here and attacked me just to learn my name?”
“I wanted to fight you again. You are adequate.”
I hold the knife out toward him. I’m not going to take any more chances. If he comes at me again I will kill him. His stance reveals to me he isn’t prepared for another attack, though I can’t be sure. A cat can pounce without warning.
“Sit down,” asks the Felum.
“Why should I? You’ll kill me.”
“Please. You know I mean you no harm.”
I sigh and sit back down on the fallen log. If he even tries anything again I’ll be ready, even though he’s right; I believe he means me no harm. If the fight had continued, he would never have hurt me.
Suddenly, I feel the tip of the spear under my chin. The Felum regards me with curiosity. Perhaps I’ve been wrong; perhaps he does mean me harm after all.