Me, a mother? I couldn’t even take care of myself. This thought made my mood dip into depths that I’d been fighting to stay out of a lot lately. I hated when this happened and tried my best to shake it off. I had to stop the morbidity before it started; it was the only way I ever got through anything nowadays.
As the plane descended, I hoped I could get through the rest of this trip alive.
Chapter Twelve
Audrey
Waiting for our luggage, I pulled out my cell phone to dial Saul. Staring at his number, I suddenly wanted to break down in the middle of the airport. But there was no time for falling apart, especially not here. Swallowing down my insecurity, I wondered if it was too soon to call him. Would he even answer if I did?
There was only one way to find out.
I hit dial and put the phone to my ear. The luggage carousel hadn’t even started turning so there was some time to kill. Liz had gone to the restroom while I waited here. Pacing the floor, I secretly wished he would answer and things would be okay.
The phone clicked and began to ring. When the third ring was about to end, I was close to hanging up, but that was when I heard its silence. A soft breathe filled my ear on the other end.
“Hello?” Saul’s voice made my chest squeeze as I tried to get the words out. I couldn’t. I choked on them.
“Audrey?”
“Saul…” I whispered. The tears were already there, soaking into my scarf. I turned into one of the pillars to hide my reddened face and drippy nose.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, but knew he wouldn’t have been able to see me even if I’d been standing in front of him. How in the world could I tell him the answer to that? I was far from fine.
“Yeah,” I finally managed. “I’m in…in L.A. with Liz.”
“I see.” I listened hard for his breathing and clung to it with all my heart. I hated that the overhead announcer chose that moment to call out. Even the whir of the carousel made me want to scream for it to shut up. I wanted to relish his voice, his breath, anything that told me he was on the phone still.
“I’m still in New York. Figured I’d look up some schools for blind children and see if they had any openings or need for volunteers.”
“That’s good.” I closed my eyes, wiping my nose on my scarf. It was disgusting, but I didn’t see anything nearby with a tissue dispenser.
“Look, we need to talk more about…things. I’ve thought about things a lot. Hell, it’s all I can think about lately. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”
“Me too…I mean…I’m sorry too.” I could barely whisper my answers; my breath was still locked in my throat. A pregnant pause filled the air between us, and I felt like I might lose my mind if he didn’t say something more. Anything.
“Are you coming back to New York City?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know when. We’re going to check out something about Emilio that Liz is all tangled up in. I have no idea what it is, but she asked me to come. Maybe a day or so.”
“Yeah, okay. I’m glad you two are together. L.A. is a busy place, but it must be nice to be back in Cali. With all the shitty weather here and all.”
“Yeah, it’s sunny here.” Down to weather talk. How cliché.
I wanted to record his voice and listen to it over and over again. He sounded concerned, asking where we were and when we’d return. That had to be good, right?
“Okay, well…so I’ll see you soon then? Let me know when you’re back and we can talk some more.” Saul was back to business, his steady voice free of emotion. I wish mine were too, for I was about to break down in the middle of the baggage claim again. Just perfect.
“Alright.”
“Bye, Audrey.”
The line went dead before I could tell him goodbye, and I just held the phone for a while, not wanting to acknowledge that Saul was gone. I wanted him still, even on the line would be enough. To not have him close, his body, his warmth, was a killer. Any tiny piece of my love back would help me breathe again, instead of this feeling of just existing, just taking the steps like a robot caught in the routine.
“Hey, Sis, our bags are up. What are you doing?”
I pulled the phone from my ear and wiped an escaped tear that had smeared across the screen from it.
“That was Saul.” I stuffed the phone sadly into my purse. Letting out a long exhale, I gave her a sad smile.
Liz returned it before pulling me in for a tight hug.
“Everything okay with him?”
“Yeah, he says to let him know when we get back to talk some more.”
She leaned back, looking excited. “That’s good, right? See? He’ll come around. I know it. Come on, let’s get our stuff.”
God, I hoped she was right. Could we come back from the fall and get back on our feet, start where we left off again? If it was even possible, if there was just a tiny hiccup of a chance, I would take it. I’d do anything to get Saul’s love back. Life was a deep, dark, rank black hole without him.
I let her lead me to the carousel and took my bag from her fingertips as she reached out to grab our stuff. Three bags later, we were out on the taxi line, waiting our turn for a cab. First, we headed to our storage to pull our station wagon out while we were here. I wanted to check our rental house too, which sat vacant since we’d been on tour so often, but was still furnished with our stuff. I hoped it hadn’t been robbed. Though we had a house sitter who kept it clean and checked on it every now and then, I still worried that it would be trashed.
I couldn’t wait to go home first. That’s what it was. Home.
Chapter Thirteen
Liv
I opened the door to find not the person I was praying and hoping for, but someone who could possible get me to him. Maybe.
“Lonzo?”
“Don’t look so surprised, Miss Westing.” He tilted his head forward, lowering his shades to expose a pair of twinkling brown eyes. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.” I motioned for him to enter. I was still grumpy from a nap. I hated travelling. It was exhausting and sucked the life out of me.
He entered the cool interior of our rental house and peered around our digs. I wasn’t going to the address he’d given me until later that evening when traffic wasn’t so crazy on that side of town. He knew where I was headed, so why was he at my doorstep?
“What are you doing here?”
“You’re still under the protection of the security detail of Jonas Esperanza until your new contract starts in eight months, much to his disdain.”
“What? I thought the contracts were already signed and we were through with Jonas.”
Lonzo’s jaw tightened, looking like this was a touchy subject. “Yeah, in about eight months. Noble Records is starting work on what you’ve recorded already right now, but have scheduled you to come in for revisions and new music in eight months. They wanted to keep it as smooth as possible and requested that security continue to be handled by Jonas until they can free up one of their top teams for you guys.” He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes at me. “It’ll take a few months. Did you even read the contract?”
“I left early, remember? With Jonas. I haven’t had time to look at the contract yet. Audrey said it was okay, so I signed it. She negotiates for us.” I waved my hand in the air like it was no big deal. Rubbing my forehead, I had a headache forming from being awakened up too early from my rest.
“You should pay more attention to details, Miss Westing.”
I was about to tell him to call me Liz and nix the formalities when Audrey came rushing into the room.
“Liz, is there anything else you want to take to stor…” Audrey entered the room and froze in her footsteps. “What are you doing here?”
Luckily, Lonzo didn’t take her accusatory tone personally. “I’m here to escort Liz to a predetermined address today. Jonas told me, after your departure, that I was still in charge of your safety until your contract starts with Nobel Records.”
Audrey’s tight frown gave me all the information I needed to know about her relationship with Lonzo. I don’t know why they didn’t really care for each other whatsoever, but I never paid enough attention on tour to know what bothered them. Maybe there’d been a few words exchanged due to my crazy partying or something else while I was not around, but I’d never asked. Whatever happened between these two, neither had mentioned the other at all to me. Apparently, she didn’t appreciate his efforts as much as I did.
“It’s okay, Sis. I got this.” I motioned to her.
She eyed me suspiciously. “You don’t need me to go with you tonight?”
I shook my head. “I think we’ll be alright.”
She turned toward Lonzo, throwing him the stink eye.
“Well, call me if you run into any trouble.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” I gave her a salute and held in a chuckle until she spun around on her feet to return to her room. She’d been packing more stuff to put into storage since it looked like we’d be leaving this house for good when we returned to work with Nobel Records. I hadn’t settled down as much as she had. My life fit in several duffle bags and suitcases, already packed and sitting next to the couch. Most of my stuff consisted of musical instruments, notebooks, hordes of clothes, shoes, and gobs of make-up. I was efficient in packing my mess faster than Audrey.
I think she was just lamenting too much while she packed. It slowed her down.
“She’s a fiery pistol, no?” Lonzo laughed and made his way to one of the couches in the living room. Tossing his cowboy hat to the side and crossing one leg over a thigh, I got a good look at a nice pair of expensive, broken in cowboy boots. I’d never seen him so relaxed and out of his usual character outfit. He’d traded in the usual black slacks for a pair of form fitting faded jeans along with a plaid button up shirt.
“Yeah, that’s Audrey all right. I want to know why you’re here too, besides the security thing.” I sat in a chair across from him, waiting for him to spit it out.
“An ulterior motive? I have none. There’s nothing I have to hide.” He leaned forward, threading his fingers together. “But, now that I’m here, you won’t feel so out of place when you go to the address I gave you earlier.”
“What’s there that you want me to see? What’s so important about it?”
“You’ll see. Look, I know you’re heading there later, and I thought it’d be best if I went with you.”
“Why?”
“You might not like what you find.”
“So why send me there in the first place?”
He wrinkled his eyebrows, looking genuinely concerned. This worried me. I started twisting my hands together.
“It’s best if you see it all for yourself.”
“Well, that sounds reassuring.”
He laughed and relaxed again, leaning back into the sofa. “You can thank me later. It’s the answer to all your problems, believe me.”
Why did that not make me feel any better?
I rolled my eyes and jumped to my feet.
“Want a beer? We just picked up some groceries.”
He nodded, the corners of his mouth barely curling up before he looked out the window. He was adrift in his own thoughts, already lost to this room. I never wondered much about Lonzo. His role in this mess was always defined as one of our bodyguards. I seriously never considered he could have a life outside of it or the Cartel. It made me wonder if he did.
I headed to the kitchen for the drinks.
“Have you heard from Emilio?” I yelled back as I popped the tops off both bottles. Returning to the living room, I handed him one before I got comfortable on my armchair once more.
“No.”
He threw back a long swallow, savoring the taste of the beer before his gaze met mine. His expression was a wealth of inaccessible knowledge. His apathy frustrated me, and that was how he always came off when we’d been on tour—just always there, watching, seeing everything, and knowing more than anyone should. What did those dark eyes hide? Now that I thought about it, he probably knew everything I could ever imagine asking about, especially about the Esperanza brothers.
And what did he know about me and Audrey? I shuddered to think about it. That could be good or also be a really bad thing.
“I thought you were the best of friends.”
“There’s no friends in this business.”
Okay then…I swallowed hard and tapped my fingernails on the cool glass of my beer.
“You know what I think?”
“What’s that, Miss Westing?” He leaned forward, placing his empty beer bottle onto a coaster on the coffee table. His eyes flicked back up to me, drilling into me like obsidian blades. It had me squirming in my chair some, unnerving me with every second those eyes remained fixed on me.
“I think you do know and you just don’t want to tell me a fucking thing.” I gulped down another swallow of beer and gave him a hard stare. I didn’t believe him. His amused expression made my blood boil for some reason, so this feeling that he was hiding stuff couldn’t be too far off the middle. I didn’t want to be a player in some game that only Lonzo knew how to play. I was done with games.
“All in good time, Miss Westing. You’ll know everything I do, all in good time.”
Chapter Fourteen
Audrey
I eyed Lonzo sitting in our living room and downing beer like there was no tomorrow. He obviously drank a lot because after drinking most of the twelve pack we’d bought earlier, he was as sober as I was without drinking a thing. Even so, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was up to no good. I tried to let it roll off my back, but it wasn’t easy. I shoved dishes into boxes and folded the last of the laundry, but found myself glancing his way every time I passed the living room.
Something was off about this whole thing, and I contemplated begging Liv to not go with him to wherever it was they were going to, but I knew she wouldn’t have it. There was no stopping my sister when she set her sights on something. She’d get tunnel vision, focusing until there was nothing between her and her goals. It was a tragic trait for her. It’d been the source of so many heartbreaks.
I wondered if she got that from my mother or my father. Was I so one track minded?
Taping shut another box, I called out to Liv so she could help me put the last few boxes into the station wagon and I could then swing by our storage unit before sunset. The furniture was going to be put into storage later, but most of our belongings, which were almost all boxed away, were already stored. It was bittersweet labeling the cardboard with a sharpie. I didn’t want to leave this place. It was full of happy memories of me and Saul together.
The memory of him froze me in a daze. I missed him immensely, though it’d just been less than a day. I wanted him here with me. Through the sharp ache that threatened to seize the beating of my heart, I breathed through the pain. He wasn’t here, and it was all my fault. Why had I hurt him so much? I’d never done that to anyone before. Why Saul?
I shut my burning eyes as I realized the exact reason why. I was afraid. I’d been afraid of him the moment I’d laid eyes on him. He was the opposite of toxic—full of life, loving and caring. How he could even exist in this cruel world was a miracle. He’d done nothing but love me, and I’d taken it and smeared it across his face like week old sandwiches. I’d let the beautiful flower of our love rot in my hands, and I’d watched it wither before my very eyes.
I just wanted to go back to the way it was. That was the only thing I could wish for at this second. I was so insanely stupid, and I hated myself to the core. I was a horrible person; nothing anyone could tell me could prove otherwise. I wish they could, but that didn’t change things. It couldn’t, and I should’ve been happy Saul was even wanting to speak to me after everything I’d done.
He didn’t have to give me that. He could’ve walked away and never turned back, never said another word to me ever again. I’d give anything—this rock and roll life, the music, the r
oaring crowds, and the fame—just to have him at my side again.
“You’re looking more defeated than your sister.”
I jumped and spun around to find Lonzo leaning on the doorway to the kitchen. He held two empty bottles in his hand and was using his free arm to hold himself on the door way.
“The fuck…You scared the shit out of me!” I frowned, giving him a death glare sharper than I’d thrown his way before.
“I was being as loud as possible, seeing that you were lost in your thoughts. A train could sneak up on you.” He chuckled and made his way toward the recycling bin on one end of the kitchen. After dumping the bottles in, he then helped himself to another ice cold bottle of beer.
“Maybe you can pick up beer on your way back here tonight. You’ve drained the ones I bought today,” I muttered loud enough for him to hear me. He popped the top off and took a loud and obvious slurp from it. His cool ‘ahhh’ dug at my core, and I pushed off the ground to stare him down. I wanted to hit something, and he was looking like a pretty good punching bag.
“What’s wrong, Miss Westing?” He cocked his chin toward me and threw me a wicked smile. “Now you look like you’re either going to kiss me or kill me.” He took another swift swig before adding, “I’d rather it be the first than the latter, but either would be fine with me.”
I dug my fingers into my palms and exhaled hard through my mouth. He wanted me to start something. That had to be it. Before I could give him what he wanted, I bent down and grabbed the box at my feet, its weight feeling feather light with my fury surging though me.
“Fuck off, Lonzo,” I spat and made my way out the side door to the station wagon. It was unlocked, and I dumped the box into the massive back seat.
“Here…” I turned around and almost ran over Lonzo, who was standing with a box of dishes. I glowered at the man, wanting to swipe the box from his hands and tell him another set of expletives. I wished he would just get out of my face. His presence was unnerving and didn’t do anything to lift my drowned mood.