“I see.” I could see the wheels moving in his head as he thought about what I said. “Family is never easy. I know Emilio and I fought a lot when we were younger. He was always challenging what our parents told us. I tried to keep him in line, for the sake of not seeing him punished. Our family was…quite strict and traditional.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. Hearing about their childhood was intriguing and only fed my desire to know more.
“When you’re part of such a large faction…the Mexican Cartel is just a part of it…involved in so many different enterprises, there’s little room to move. Our father would have us beaten if we misbehaved. I learned quickly what to avoid doing and what to get done first thing each day. Emilio was not so pliable. He protested chores. He would talk back until he was smacked and lost teeth from it. There was even a time when I watched him get a good whipping, so harsh he ended up passing out.”
I’d wondered about the scars on his back. Though faint, like they happened decades ago, I could still feel the slight imperfections on his skin.
“Why didn’t he just do what he was told?”
Jonas sighed. “He’s wild in spirit. My grandmother used to shelter us as much as she could, telling our parents to be more patient. He used this while he could until she died. Then, it was about boundaries he could push and break. He was worldly and aching to leave the Hacienda back in Mexico. I wanted to help my father out as much as possible.” He sighed and rubbed his face, the memories flooding his eyes as he spoke. “But if you cage up a wild bird, they will not take it lightly. He never was happy. That is…until my father died.”
“How did he die? I mean…if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay.” I bit my lip, afraid I was pushing too much.
“It’s alright. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone what happened after that day. Sometimes the best way to move on is to bury pain so deep inside, and keep shoving it down when it wants to overtake you. Best way to survive the let downs in this business.”
“Sounds rough.”
He laughed. “Yes, quite rough. You do get used to it.” He scratched his stubble, looking pensive and remotely nostalgic. “They died in a plane crash, heading down toward Columbia for business. My mother and my father. We were still teenagers when it happened.”
My eyes widened. “You guys took over the business as teens?”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “It was mostly I who ran the technicalities of the faction, but Emilio changed much after the crash. He was free to go, but he refused to leave me alone to run it without him. He stepped up a lot and became my right hand man. My second. We made sure to let everyone who challenged us know that, even though we were young, we meant serious business.”
“Did they mess with you?”
His grin widened. “They tried. Kill the right people as an example and you gain a fearful control over many people.”
I swallowed. Done with hearing about the murder and mayhem in his past, I figured it was enough for now. He was trusting me a lot more lately, and I hoped it would stay that way until I could find out more about Emilio.
“Let’s get some sleep.” He pulled up the covers of the feather down duvet, sinking softly into the bliss of the specialized mattress. It was definitely like sleeping on a cloud.
“Liv?”
I snuggled into the crook of his arm, trying to shove the train wreck of thoughts out of my head, especially the ones that reminded me of Emilio. I couldn’t think about him when I was in Jonas’ arms.
“Yes?”
He waited to continue, stroking my hair quietly in the dead of the early morning hours. It was so relaxing, I felt myself fading from exhaustion. His soft breaths lulled me to dreamland as I tried my best to stay awake, but failed miserably. Right before the night turned into dreams, I heard him whisper words that would swirl in my head and turn the world upside down.
“I love you, Liv.”
Chapter Eleven
Audrey
Saul wasn’t here today. He was stuck at the hotel with a severe flu. I hated leaving him, but he’d insisted. I stocked up on Gatorade, saltines, and bland food in case he got hungry, but he waved me on and said he was staying home today to be near the bathroom and listen to a marathon of audiobooks on a fantasy series he was all into right now. We were all worn out, but being around him might get me sick too, so off I went after much protesting, to the office…err the studio.
I hadn’t thought much of it. It wasn’t far from the hotel, and it was always fun to work on new songs. This little break we got from touring every three weeks was a relief. I hated being on the road; though it had its charms, it wore on me fast.
“Good morning!” Random waved me in as he turned the knobs and tweaked a track whilst pulling a drag off his cigarette. The place smelled like a seedy bar, but I tolerated it. I was used to the smokiness of bars. His bad habits didn’t bother me.
“Where’s Liv?”
I dropped my bag and jacket onto one of the chairs lining the room and settled in a swivel office chair next to him.
“She’s on a short two day vacation with Jonas.” I rolled my eyes.
Random grumbled and smashed the cigarette butt into the ashtray with violent force.
“She’s supposed to be here. We only have a week to record.” He paused and looked around the room. “Where’s Saul?”
“He’s sick with the flu.”
“Well, that’s just great.” He blew out a puff of smoke, shaking his head. He was so easy to frustrate, I wanted to laugh out loud.
“No worries. He’s got some flu medicine and tons of fluids. He just needs to rest. Touring isn’t exactly a vacation.”
Random snorted, clearing the phlegm from his throat. “Wow. I get you all to myself today.” He craned his neck toward me. “How did I get so lucky?”
His demeanor immediately changed, and the sour mood plaguing him suddenly melted away.
“You must’ve run over a four leaf clover.” I smirked and spun in the chair. Letting out a long breath, I tried to relax to get into the music mode. “What do we need to do today? Something that doesn’t require two more bodies.”
“I can think of a lot we could do.” His remark made me stop turning, and I peered over to find him staring intently at me.
“Whoa…don’t get all crazy now.” I laughed and shook my head. His flirting was nice, but I wasn’t really expecting it. He never did this before, even with all the hours we’d spent together. What had changed?
“We can get pretty crazy working here.” Random’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, but before I could ask him what was wrong, he turned back to the soundboard. “I need your opinion on this mix for Sweet Death. I tweaked it some after you guys left the last recording session.”
“Okay, go for it.” I leaned forward, eagerly awaiting the new track and a change in mood. His demeanor didn’t make me uncomfortable; it was just surprising. Plus, I was looking forward to listening to this track again. I’d heard it dozens of times the last session, but hearing it once more after a few weeks made it feel brand new again.
The melodic hypno mood it created made me sway and bob my head softly as I listened to Liv’s voice fill the room. It was a haunting song, something that reminded me of love and loss. We both wrote it, contributing lyrics and tweaking it until the entire song belonged to us both. Some songs I wrote completely, some Liv did all herself. Some others were from both of us. I liked those the best.
Her voice filled me up, and I could hear my defined backup singing as it melded with hers so well. It was a perfectly synchronized harmony. I loved how we complimented each other. No matter how different we were, we were one when singing and making music. A true duet.
The song came to an end, and the silence felt even louder than before.
“It’s perfect,” I finally managed to respond. My heart was beating fast, like I’d been under a spell and it was just now lifting. “I loved it.”
Random grinned, looking handsome with his
hazel eyes and brown hair framing his face with ease, like his name, randomly falling into his face. Smoking hadn’t had any effect on his skin…yet. It was smooth under the stubble he always appeared to have.
“Right on.” He hit a few switches and started to pull up another track of ours called Coercion. This one I was lead singer on, and when I was front and center with Liv doing backup vocals, it never failed to make me cringe.
“Your voice is amazing,” he said as he flipped some switches and moved some levers up and down.
“Thanks.”
He hit a button and the song sounded a little bit different—not completely, just enhanced.
“Wow, that’s pretty amazing what a few switches will do, but I like how we sound live.”
“Don’t worry, you sound perfect. I just change the instrumentals a tiny bit for recording purposes. Love the songs you guys come up with.” Random sat back and swiveled in the chair to face me. “I listen to your songs all the time, when you guys are on tour and all. They really resonate with me. Helps me find the right direction to mix your songs when you come back.”
The way he said this made my stomach flutter, especially when he was staring at me that way. He eyed me like a lover, filled with a fire burning in his unusual eyes.
“Thank you. We appreciate your work. You make us sound legit.” I winked.
Random smiled, shaking his head before sighing. “Oh, Audrey. Always so humble.”
“Me? Never.”
He leaned forward, bringing his hands onto mine on my lap. I froze, unsure of what to do.
“I love that about you. Always looking out for others, never apologizing for thinking of everyone else but yourself. Selfless and yet, so talented.”
“Wow…um…thanks. I’m just not great with compliments.” I peered down at our hands as he caressed mine with his fingers. “Random…I.”
“Look, Audrey…” We both spoke in tandem, but stopped and laughed.
“Sorry, go ahead,” I said, clearing my throat. I didn’t pull away, like I should’ve. My head was screaming about Saul, and my guilt was creeping in, but I had to hear what Random had to say. We’d spent tons of hours in here, mixing songs and tweaking arrangements, and he’d become a really good friend. I couldn’t ruin that. I had so few friends in this life.
“Um…sorry about that. Look…I know you’re with Saul, and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but…” He ran a hand through his locks, looking more nervous than I’d ever seen him. “But I have feelings for you, and it kills me to keep them to myself any longer.”
I swallowed down the sudden dry desert forming in my mouth. I knew he had feelings for me, something had told me this ages ago, but my heart was Saul’s. His gentle voice and face careened into my mind, and I felt a sheen of sweat build on my forehead.
“It’s really awesome working with you…” I managed to say. How stupid I felt, all tongue tied and unable to respond in any logical way when he was looking at me like that. Why did he have to do that with those eyes?
“I know it might be impossible, and it’s not right that I even ask you this but…if you have feelings for me too, I have to know, Audrey.” His hand was on my cheek as he pulled closer. I sucked in a breath at his proximity, feeling his warmth radiate across my skin. “Tell me you feel the same way.”
His lips were so near, so soft looking, and beckoned in a way I couldn’t even deny. As his eyes drew me in, I couldn’t move. Suddenly, he was kissing me with sweet, longing kisses that made me sigh in utter release. It was enough that my head cleared the fog that’d been confusing me the moments prior.
I pulled back, afraid of what came next or what I wanted to happen next.
“I—I can’t do this.” I shot to my feet, the chair careening back before slamming into the wall and teetering to the side to finally crash down to the floor.
We both stared down at the toppled chair, frozen in our shoes.
My fingers touched my lips where his had been a moment before. They were warm and craved his touch again. Why? How could I do this to Saul? I stepped back, my insides churning with confusion.
“Audrey, wait…please...” Random stepped toward me, holding out his hands and looking afraid to touch me again. “Don’t go. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Please…let me explain.”
I shook my head as I continued to touch my lips. They tingled and it reminded me to look at Random closely. I’d never really looked at him before, not in this light, not so detailed and full of wanting.
Why this need? Saul was enough for me. But I was a rock star, and there’d been so many men who’d thrown themselves at me. It was easy to push them off with security surrounding me and Saul by my side. But no one was here, no one but Random and myself. Was this how I’d respond elsewhere with any other? No…that wasn’t me. This was Random we were talking about, someone I’d spent nights with working kinks out of the one thing I loved more than life…my music. He understood it better than even Liv or Saul. He knew every note, every syllable, and every lyric. Saul would tell me he liked doing percussion, but it wasn’t his lifelong dream. He wanted to teach at a school for blind children, to teach them it was okay to be blind and how to live like any other person even with their disability.
Random’s entire life was music. This was all he wanted to do, forever; know the notes, know the music, hear the beats, hear the words we sang for all it was and could truly be.
Shit.
With one kiss, Random had tilted my world on its axis, spinning my head in circles. Now, I wasn’t sure what I wanted or needed. All I could say was that I wanted to kiss Random back again and again. That one touch he’d given me was not enough. I had a taste of something I never knew I could need…could crave.
“I got to go.” I grabbed my jacket and bag, heading toward the door.
“Please, don’t leave…” Random was already there, a hand on the smooth wood gently pushing at it. It wasn’t meant to keep me here. Something told me he would let go if I really wanted to get out.
I dropped my things and glared at him. “How dare you?”
He lowered his eyes to the ground, looking ashamed and broken.
“I’m sorry. All these days we’ve spent together, I didn’t mean to fall for you. It just happened. I had to tell you, for all it’s worth.”
His vulnerability snagged something in me. I stopped tugging on the knob and let my hand return to my side. He stepped away from the door and met my gaze once more, waiting for me to say something. Anything would do.
“Random?”
“Yes?”
“How do you know what you feel?” My eyes watered with tension, my heart wrenching with this fight in my head.
He reached out toward me again, gracing my chin with his fiery touch. “It’s the way you make me feel when you’re near. I can’t deny it. I tried to stay away, but it’s useless.”
I reached up and placed my hand on his. It was nice, warm and sturdy. He wore multicolored woven bracelets on that wrist, along with a watch. No one wore watches anymore, save for him and Saul. His scent filled my nostrils and called me to him in some subconscious way that I was having a hard time fighting.
I stepped forward, knowing my decisions would have dire consequences. But we only lived this one life, this one time to know everything we could want, to achieve the things we desired. If my heart was so torn, there had to be a reason good enough to be that way. I had to know why, why this crack in my perfect shield existed where Random had so easily penetrated.
Closing the gap between us, I kissed him this time around. He didn’t force me, just let his arms encircle my body, softly sliding around my back until our bodies touched and our kisses deepened into an even more unfathomable heat.
His mouth was an abyss to fall into, and I let him devour mine without a second thought. His hands carefully slid over my skin, slowly at first until he was sure I wouldn’t run away again. Then he pressed more firmly, up and down my body until he could no longer keep his
hands on just the surface of my clothes.
I helped him pull his shirt off, letting it slide to the floor before pulling mine off. His hungry eyes took in my body as he pulled me closer and I helped him out of his jeans.
Before we went any further, he reached over toward the door and slid the lock into place, ensuring no one could walk in on us. I didn’t protest. Gone was the confusion I’d felt moments before. I wanted to drown in this love, this man I’d gotten to know in more ways than one. My guilt swiftly dismissed into the dark cracks in my mind, where I could ponder them later and cry into my pillows with the sorrow of how sorry I could feel.
But not now. Not this moment when I was on fire and Random was the only person in this world who could quench it. He made love to me there, in the studio, lying me gently down on his jacket while taking his time to make sure he covered every inch of me in his fiery kisses.
And as the moments ticked by, I let him show me everything of him he’d so desperately craved to, filling me up with things I’d never thought I needed.
I regretted nothing.
Chapter Twelve
1 month later…
Liv
The swirling water from the toilet sounded distant as I breathed through my mouth, staving off the smell of chlorine and vomit as I hunched over the rim and spat. I held my hair back away from my face, but the shorter strands kept escaping. I’d woken up sick to my stomach and had barely made it to the bathroom.
Feeling weak and still a bit nauseous, I pattered off to the sink and rinsed my mouth, splashing my face with water. Grabbing a towel from the stack the motel left on the sink, I dried my face and peered at myself in the mirror. I was a sallow green shade, but it was fading as the moments ticked by. I’d lost weight recently and was beginning to look even more waif like. Maybe I should see a doctor.
I shook my head and tossed the towel to the side. I hated doctors. Loathed them. There was no way I was going there whatsoever for a small bout of food poisoning.