CHAPTER 14
Ilyana:
As I walk away from Levi, I feel guilty. I know that he is really disappointed and I need to help him if we are ever going to move forward and learn to access and control my gifts, but my head is still swimming with thoughts of Kailand. I wonder how I will even be able to sleep tonight, knowing that he is back in that cave, fighting to hold onto any shred of sanity that is left, not just for him, but for his family and the family of all the counsel members there. I make a mental note to find out more about the Counsel and have Alya bring me back books on the historical political structure among Nephilim.
Almost as soon as my bedroom door shuts behind me I hear a light knock and before I can even respond, Ephraim is bounding through. There is a look of concern on his face still, much like there was when Levi was speaking to me a moment ago, the same look that he had when I had my little outburst on the field earlier. I just don’t have time to deal with this, he looks at me and waits for me to tell him it is ok to come in. I know I owe it to him so I respond as I begin to pull out a pair of boxers and a camisole that I can change into after a bath. He is standing at the foot of my bed as I throw the pajamas up by my pillow, he regards them intently for a moment in a way that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable but also a little proud, there have not been many men in my life that are interested in seeing the tomboyish outfits I sleep in and even less men that would be ok with the fact that they are non-designer and came in a multi-pack at the local super market. He catches me smirking for a moment so I begin to pick up the room around me slightly – I am bad about leaving laundry around the house “Can I help you with something, Ephraim?” he exhales and I can see the relief pouring out of him. I watch him for a moment and then fold the clean laundry that is on the chair in the corner of my room. “Ilyana, I am so ashamed of myself…” I realize this is not exactly the tone of the conversation I was expecting so I walk to the bathroom, leaving the door open so I can hear him and begin running water, in hopes of him getting the hint and not dragging this out. When I walk back up, he looks so upset that it breaks my heart. I walk over to him and place my arm on his shoulder to steady myself and ensure eye contact, for a moment the gesture feels foreign to me, but I realize that I am not the same person now that I was two weeks ago, I speak softly at first “Ephraim, you owe me nothing. Especially not an apology. I have always had a compulsive need to be right and get the last word in, I push others – a lot. I did that with you today. So, I am to blame. Not you.” He cuts me off “No, you are fragile and everything around you keeps changing and I just keep putting more and more pressure on you, I should’ve been training with you from the start, I’ve left you in the dust and tried my hardest to push you away because I thought it was best for you. But now I realize…..” He gets a look on his face that I have seen only once before and before it happens, I know what is next.
He crushes his mouth against mine in a rough, pleading gesture. I allow myself to sink into it, to be carried away by this experience, by him. He picks me up and gently holds me against the wall behind me while his lips trace over my mouth and cheeks and neck. It feels amazing, I look down at him and find my hand gently pulling the back of his hair to look up at me and I meet his lips again. He kisses me gently this time, like he is accepting all of the forgiveness that I couldn’t give him with words and I realize I am doing the same. I felt so guilty for hurting him earlier, I needed this moment to know we were alright, he begins to trail his kisses dangerously low down my neck again and his hand begins to wander up underneath my shirt. For a moment it is comforting and then I realize that is exactly what I need from him. I carefully sway my hips forward against him and then realize how wrong this feels. I care so greatly for him, but I always imagined being with someone, like I am right now, would be centered around love. I would be thinking of what I have to offer him and not just what he is doing for me. I care for him, but not enough to justify this. Before his hand reaches my bra, or his mouth trails any lower than my shirt, I go slack and make myself stop “Ephraim. This – it isn’t right.” He looks like I poured ice water on him, he gently rights my shirt and sets me down, he steps back and turns his back to me as he runs his hands through his hair – his signature move.
Before he has a chance to walk out on me, I step forward and hug him carefully from behind “Ephraim, I loved every minute. But something is not right. I need you, we need each other to get through this. But, just, not like this. I want to touch and be touched, kiss and be kissed and believe me – it sucks pulling away after a kiss like that. But I care too much for you to do this. Right now I am empty, and being with you, like that. Can’t possibly be what’s best for either of us, because right now I have nothing to give you.” I feel some tension leave his body and I pull him around to face me, he looks disappointed but if I have learned anything about him, he is too proud to ever say it. I continue on “I think that I am still figuring out who I am – you are still figuring out who I am for that matter. I need you to be my friend, I don’t need a fragile relationship that is liable to break at the seams if one of us does or says the wrong thing. You know why I am able to talk so freely with Levi?” he tenses again at his name and clenches his jaw, through gritted teeth he responds “Why is that, Ilyana?” I try not to smile at his reaction “Because in the two short weeks I have known him, he has become family to me. I don’t have the chemistry with him that I do with you, so it is not complicated, but beyond that, I know that even when I fuss or we fight, or I get mad at him – at the end of the day, he will still be there calling me names, pulling my pony tail and listening. I need to know that you will do the same, and right now, I need to know that without the added complication of a relationship. I want comfort from you, not just from your touches or kisses. I don’t even want to think in terms of a relationship with anyone right now. Does that make sense?” I look into his eyes, hoping that he understands. He lets out a light breath and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, he says in the most ruggedly beautiful whisper “Ilyana, you are going to be the death of me if I don’t watch out. You aren’t a little princess or a fragile girl. You are a goddess, don’t forget that now or ever.” He pulls my head forward to kiss my forehead and then turns around to walk out, before he closes my door he looks at me one more time “I am here, Ilyana. Ill temper, raging hormones and all. You don’t have to worry about me going anywhere.” He shuts the door and leaves me alone with my thoughts. I am surprised that instead of fixating on what just happened with Ephraim, all I can think about is Kailand. All alone in a cave full of people. I wish I could sneak back to him tonight, but it is too late and after all that has happened, I know that my absence would be noticed. I decide to hurry up and bathe and then if the guys are asleep when I am finished, maybe I can take Sasha out for a walk and sneak out to the cave.