“I thought she paid you that money already,” I said. “She gave you two hundred last weekend.”
“And she took three hundred two days ago.”
“Why would you even give her the money? You know she can’t pay it back.”
He grabbed my arm, digging his fingers into my skin, making me flinch. My body was yanked as he pulled me to the other side of the room and hovered over me. “Who the fuck do you think you are, talking back to me like that, huh?”
“I just thought…”
He slapped me against the back of my head. “You didn’t think. Now this conversation is between your mom and me. Don’t interrupt.” He hit me again, harder. His hand formed a fist and when it met my eye, I whimpered out in pain. Dad started in her direction again, and like an idiot, I stepped in front of her again. “Do you have a death wish, Logan?”
“I’ll pay it,” I said, trying to stand tall, even though he made me feel tiny whenever I was around him. “One second.” I hurried into my bedroom, reached under my mattress, and pulled out my college funds. I could feel my eye swelling as I counted out the money.
Twenty-three dollars left.
“Here,” I said, shoving the money into Dad’s hands. He narrowed his eyes at me before he began to count it. Under his breath he muttered something, but I didn’t care. As long as he’d leave, that would be good enough for me.
The money went into his back pocket. “You both should know how lucky you are to have me. But don’t think I’m going to keep paying your rent like I have been.”
We don’t need you, I wanted to say. Leave and never come back, I dreamed of shouting. But I kept my mouth shut.
His steps moved toward Ma, and I watched her flinch as he caressed his hand against her cheek. “You know I love you, right Julie?” he asked.
She nodded slow. “I know.”
“And I just want us to be happy. Don’t you?”
She nodded slower. “Yeah.”
He bent down and kissed her lips, and I wanted to set him on fire. I wanted to watch him burn and scream out in pain from the way he used, belittled, and pretty much spit on her soul.
But I also wanted to shout at Ma, because she definitely kissed him back. When they pulled apart, she looked at him as if he was her God, when really he was just Satan in an expensive suit.
“Logan,” he said, as he walked toward the front door to leave. “If you ever need a real job, a real man’s job, I’m sure I can always get you in on the family business. This chump money you’re making isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“Not interested.”
His sinister smirk attached to his lips at my reply. It was the same reply I gave him every time, but each time he smiled as if he knew a secret and was keeping me on the outside. When he left the apartment, I released the weighted sigh from my mouth.
“What’s the matter with you?!” Ma cried, charging at me, hitting me against the chest. I grabbed her tiny wrists in confusion. She kept yelling. “Are you trying to ruin everything for me?”
“I just stopped him from attacking you!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He wasn’t really going to hurt me.”
“You’re delusional. He was hurting you.”
“Let me go,” she whined, trying to loosen my grip on her arms. I dropped her. Within a second, her hand swung up and slapped me—hard. “Don’t you ever interfere with my life again. You hear me?”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
She pointed a finger at my face, a stern look in her eyes. “Do. You. Hear. Me?!” she questioned again.
“Yeah!” I shouted. “I hear you.”
But I was lying straight to her face, because if I ever saw my father with his hands anywhere near her, I would stand up for her. I would fight for her. I would be her voice, even if it meant I lost my own. Because I knew it was because of him that her own sounds went mute. It was because of him that the fire within her had fizzled out.
Ma, come back to me.
When did I lose her? Would she forever be gone?
If I’d had a time machine, I’d go back and fix whatever mistake made her become the way she was. I’d direct her to go left instead of right. I’d beg for her to never smoke the pipe for the first time. I’d remind her that she was beautiful even if a man told her differently. I’d fix her heart that was so painfully damaged.
I headed to my bedroom and tried to erase the memories of my father, but whenever he came around, they all came back. All of my hatred, all of my anger, all of my pain. It all flooded back to my brain, filling my head up with so much noise that I needed to shut it up.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
My heart was panicking, my eye throbbing with pain, and I was seconds away from allowing the demons back in. They mocked me, they hurt me, they slowly poisoned my mind. I stared at my nightstand where my needle slept each night, feeling it whispering my name, asking me to feed the demons until they went away.
I wanted to win that night. I wanted to be strong, but I wasn’t. I’ve never been strong enough, and I never would be.
Just give in.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
I took a breath, my hands shaking. I took a breath, my heart breaking. I took a breath, and I did the only thing that I knew how to do.
I opened the drawer, seconds away from allowing the darkness inside, seconds away from fading from the light, but then, my phone dinged.
Alyssa: What are you doing?
Alyssa texted me exactly when I needed her to, even though I was offended that she waited until eleven at night to write me. The only person I heard from for my birthday was Kellan, who took me out to dinner. All Dad gave me was a black eye, and all Ma gave me was disappointment.
Alyssa was the one I was counting on, though. She was my best friend, and hadn’t said a word all day.
Me: Lying in bed.
Alyssa: Okay.
Ellipses.
Alyssa: Come downstairs.
Sitting up a little, I reread her messages. With haste, I tossed on my tennis shoes, a pair of sunglasses, my red hoodie, and hurried out of the apartment. Parked right in front of the building was Alyssa, smiling toward me. I glanced around the streets at people drinking and smoking.
God. I hate it when you come here. Especially at night.
I climbed into the passenger seat of her car, and locked the doors the moment I was inside. “What are you doing, Alyssa?”
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?” she asked.
“No reason.”
She reached across to me, and took them off.
“Oh Logan…” she whispered, slightly touching my bruised eye.
I snickered and recoiled. “You think that’s bad? You should see the other guy.”
She didn’t laugh. “Your dad?”
“Yeah. It’s fine though.”
“It’s not fine. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. Is your mom okay?”
“She’s far from okay, but she’s okay.” I watched as Alyssa’s eyes began to water, but I quickly stopped her. “Everything’s okay. I promise. Let’s just go to wherever we are going to so I can forget for a while.”
“Okay.”
“And Alyssa?”
“Yes, Logan?”
My fingers wiped her tears away, and I allowed my touch to linger against her cheeks. “Smile.”
She gave me a huge, cheesy, fake smile. It was good enough for me.
She put the car in drive, and kept driving for a long, long time. We didn’t talk the whole way, and I wasn’t sure what exactly she was up to. When the car pulled over to the side of an abandoned road, my confusion grew.
“Seriously. What are we doing?”
“Come on,” she said, hurrying out of the car, and running down the road. This girl was going to be the death of me—and by death I meant life. Because of her coming into my life, I somehow found freedom from my life’s restraints each day.
I followed afte
r her, because whenever she moved, I wondered where she was going.
She stood in front of a ladder leading up to a billboard. “Tada!” she screamed, dancing with excitement.
“Umm?”
“It’s your birthday present, silly!”
“My present is…a billboard ladder?”
She rolled her eyes and dramatically sighed. “Follow me,” she said, climbing up the ladder. I did as she told me.
We climbed up the highest ladder I’d ever come across. The large billboard that we sat in front of read, “2 for 5 Burgers from Hungry Harry’s Diner.” I could tell Alyssa was a bit afraid of heights, because she kept trying her best to avoid looking down. There was a railing that wrapped around the billboard to keep us from freefalling, but still, it seemed too high for her liking.
“You’re a little scared?” I asked, learning something new.
“Um, maybe? I think heights are one of those things you don’t know you’re terrified of until you’re…up high. Anyway.” She slowly walked around to the side of the billboard and pulled out a picnic basket and wrapped gifts. “Here you go. Open the gifts first.”
I did as she told me, and I almost broke down when I saw the presents. “I wasn’t sure which one it was that you watched with your grandpa, so I got all of the DVDs I could find,” she explained. I held over twelve DVDs on the galaxy, and the documentary that I watched with Grandpa was amongst the pile.
“Jesus,” I murmured, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“And,” she waved up to the sky. “This is the best view I could find for seeing the stars at night. I drove around town for days trying to find a spot. I know it’s probably dumb, but I thought you’d enjoy the view.” She frowned. “It’s dumb, isn’t it? I should have done something better. The past two years I did so well, and I just thought that this would be…”
I grabbed her hand.
She went silent.
“Thank you,” I whispered, brushing my free hand against my eyes. I sniffled a bit and nodded. “Thank you.”
“You love it?”
“I love it.”
I’m falling in love with you…
Shaking my head, I tried to run that thought away.
I couldn’t love her. Love meant pain. And she was one of the only two good things in my life.
I looked back to the sky. “If you look out there, you can see the Scorpius constellation. Each month, you can see some constellations better than others. It starts with that lower star, curves up, and then splits off into five points, making it look kind of like a dandelion. Antares is the brightest star in the constellation. Grandpa used to tell me it was the heart of the Scorpius. Do you see it?” I asked, pointing. She nodded. “The myth behind it is that Orion, the hunter, was boasting that he could kill all animals on the planet. He was defeated by a scorpion, and Zeus noticed the battle take place. Therefore, he raised the scorpion to the night sky for eternity.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, staring at her, staring up. “It is.”
“That’s beautiful, too,” she said.
“What’s beautiful?”
Her lips turned up as she kept watching the stars. “The way you stare at me when you think I’m not looking.”
My heart skipped once.
She noticed me staring?
“Do you ever stare my way?”
She nodded slow. “And then when we aren’t together, I close my eyes, and I see you in my mind. That’s the moment when I never feel alone.”
I’m falling in love with you.
I wanted to open my mouth and tell her those words. I wanted to let her into my soul and tell her the stories of how I daydreamed about her. Then I remembered who she was, and who I was and why I couldn’t say those words.
The awkward silence stayed until Alyssa helped move it along.
“Oh! I also made a late-late night dinner for us,” she exclaimed, reaching for the picnic basket. “Now, I don’t want you to be offended by how amazing my food is. I know you’re used to being the best chef in town, but I think I might have topped you with this one.”
She reached into the basket and pulled out a container holding peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I laughed. “No way! You made this?”
“Fully from scratch. Except for the peanut butter, jam, and bread. That was all from the grocery store.”
My best friend, folks.
I bit into the sandwich. “Mixed berry jam?”
“Mixed berry jam.”
“Well aren’t you fancy?”
She smiled. And I died a little.
“For dessert, I have a package of raspberries, and these.” She pulled out a package of Oreos. “I went all out, didn’t I? Here.” She picked up a cookie, untwisted it, placed a raspberry inside, and put it back together. Then, she proceeded to fly it around like an airplane by my mouth. I opened wide, took a bit, and moaned.
She cocked an eyebrow, pleased. “Are you moaning over my cookies?”
“I’m definitely moaning over your cookies.”
She shimmied, and sighed dramatically. “If I had a dollar for every time a guy told me that.”
“You’d have one dollar and zero cents.”
She flipped me off, and I fell more for her. I couldn’t decide what I wanted more, her lips against mine, or her words. The idea of both entertained me more than I ever thought they could.
Words, go with words. “What’s your biggest dream?” I asked, tossing a few raspberries into my mouth, before throwing a few into hers.
“Biggest dream?”
“Yeah. What do you want to be or do in the future?”
She bit her bottom lip. “I want to play the piano and make people smile. Make people happy. I know it sounds little to a lot of people, like my mom. And I know it sounds like a stupid goal, but that’s what I want. I want my music to inspire people.”
“You can do it, Alyssa. You are already doing it.” I believed in her dream more than I could ever say. Whenever I heard her play the piano, it was as if all of the terrible parts of life kind of melted away. Her sounds made me find a few moments of peace.
“What about you?” she asked, placing a raspberry between my lips. I wasn’t really in a life situation where I’d ever been able to dream, but when I was with Alyssa, all of that seemed a little more possible.
“I want to be a chef. I want people to come in grumpy and leave happy because of what I put on their plate. I want people to feel good eating my food and forget all of the bullshit stuff going on in their real lives for a few minutes.”
“I love that. We should open a restaurant, toss a piano inside, and call it the AlyLo.”
“Or, LoAly,” I smirked.
“AlyLo sounds much, much better. Plus, it was my idea.”
“Well, let’s do it. Let’s open AlyLo and make amazing food and play amazing music, and live happily ever after.”
“The end?”
“The end.”
“Pinky?” she asked, extending her finger toward me. I wrapped my pinky with hers.
“Pinky.” Our hands kind of clasped together after that.
“What’s another dream of yours?” she asked.
I debated if I should tell her, because it seemed a little lame, but if there was anyone I trusted to not judge me, it was her. “I want to be a dad. I know that sounds stupid, but I really do. All my life I grew up with parents who didn’t know what it meant to love. But if I were a dad, I’d love them more than words could say. I’d show up to their baseball games, their dance recitals, and love them, regardless of if they wanted to be a lawyer or a garbage man. I’d be better than my parents.”
“I know you would, Lo. You would be a great dad.”
I don’t know why, but her saying that made my eyes tear up.
We stayed up there for a while, not speaking one word, but solely looking up.
It was still so peaceful up there. I couldn’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be. We had
n’t stopped holding hands. Did she like holding my hand? Did her heart flip every few seconds? Was she kind of, sort of falling in love with me, too? I held her hand tighter. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to let go.
“What’s your biggest fear?” she softly spoke.
I pulled out my lighter and started flicking it on and off with my free hand. “Biggest fear? I don’t know. Something happening to the few people I care about. Kellan. You. My mom. What about you?”
“Losing my dad. I know it sounds stupid, but each day, when the doorbell rings, I wonder if it’s him. Each time my phone goes off, my heart stops, hoping he’s calling me. I know these past few months he’s been a bit MIA, but I know he’s coming back. He always does. But the idea of losing him forever kind of breaks my heart.”
We listened to each other’s darkness and we showed one another our light.
“Tell me a beautiful memory about your mom,” she said.
“Hmm…” I chewed on my bottom lip. “When I was seven, I walked to and from school each day. One day I came home and heard music blasting on the front porch of our old apartment building. Ma had a boom box playing oldies music—The Temptations, Journey, Michael Jackson, all of these classics. Ma said she got the CD from a neighbor, and it made her want to dance. So she had been dancing in the street, and she only moved to the sidewalk when a car came. She looked so beautiful that day, and made me dance with her all night until the moon was high. Kellan came over too. He rode his bike over because he’d had leftovers of his dinner that he’d bring for Ma and me. When he came all three of us danced.
“I mean, looking back on it, I’m sure she was on something back then, but I couldn’t tell. I just remember laughing and spinning and dancing free with her and Kellan. The sound of her laugh was my favorite part because it was so loud, and wild. That’s my favorite family memory. That’s the memory that I go back to whenever she seems so far gone.”
“That’s a good one to hold onto, Lo.”
“Yeah.” I gave her a tight smile, never really letting anyone know how much I missed my mom, but knowing that she understood, because she missed her dad, too. “What’s a beautiful memory about your dad?”
“You know the vinyl record player in my bedroom?”