Enzo joined her and waited with longing for her to speak, or at least for her to utter a single word. “You never answered my calls nor texted me back. What’s happening to you lately?” Enzo said, yearning for explanations that might not come.
Sophia’s mind was her enemy. She had no idea how to tell him.
“Hey, tell me what’s going on.” Enzo asked again. His voice was demanding now, but if she spoke up, she’d die of disgrace.
She blinked back a tear and decided to tell the truth. “I’m sorry, Enzo. But, I’m not worthy of you.”
“We’re not going through this again, Sophia. Don’t! Please!” Enzo was refusing like a kid and stopped her from leaving her chair.
Sophia hardly moved. “You will feel disgust for me. Just like I feel disgusted with myself right now.” She forced her heart to turn to stone.
“What do you mean?” Enzo gazed long and hard at her.
Her nose clogged up, and she reached for tissue paper from her shoulder bag. “I’m so sorry. I really am.” It was difficult, she didn’t want to hurt him this way.
With his queries unanswered, Enzo demanded harder, his mind in a rainstorm, and glared at her again. Then slowly, her looks gave him a hint. “This is about that Jericho again…” He mind leaped from one theory into another.
Sophia bowed down her head quickly, a sign hinting that he was right, and her eyes were filled with tears again.
“We’re back there, again…?” Enzo was given another clue, just as he saw the guilt in her eyes. “Did you sleep with him?” The very instant he said it, Sophia almost fell to her knees.
On impulse, Enzo spurned the thought. “Damn it!” He squeezed her arm so hard it left a red mark, and dragged her into the nearest women’s room. It was empty. He banged the door, and judging by his movements, Sophia knew he was going to hurt her. He had this lack of anger management.
Oh heavens, she was dying. Not from fear of him. But from the agony of her mistakes.
Enzo wanted to hurt her so badly, but somehow, he was able to hold it in. It was hard, for the only girl he’d been loyal to for many, many years had been disloyal to him in an instant. And as he watched her face awash with tears, he pressed her harder against the wall and mollified himself, thinking… She was just as agonized as he was.
“I revolved around your world, clinging to the hope that I can offer you light. But you just took away that light,” he said, not looking her in the eye anymore, and then for the last time, he looked at her. Once. Then he left, with no regrets. He despised her.
*****
Francheska was determined to get her daughter back. But considering Elizabeth’s sacrifices for Sophia, she felt herself tearing apart.
“Mom, Dad, I want Sophia in my life…” Francheska confessed to her parents when they visited Elizabeth. Somehow, it pricked Elizabeth’s heart upon hearing it. She couldn’t identify if it was her own jealousy or worry—worry that Francheska would steal Sophia away. She was acting like a fool.
“Cheska, she’s my daughter too. You can’t just decide to take her after leaving me with no choice.” Her response embarrassed Francheska. “Sophia is not an overnight rental, that you can decide to borrow and return when you’re done.”
Seeing their daughters in a serious argument, Randy and Emily made up their minds to intercede.
“Cheska, your sister’s right,” Randy said to Francheska and then looked at Elizabeth, “but Eliz, Cheska is already sorry and she’s now willing to shoulder her mistakes.” It wasn’t easy for Randy to show tenderness, but he had done it for everyone’s sake.
“And Cheska’s very determined to make up for everything, especially for Sophia,” Emily added, supporting her husband. “Let’s give her a chance…”
Elizabeth was non-verbal for a moment, silently refusing their point. She didn’t want to lose Sophia like this.
“Please, give me the chance,” Francheska responded and came towards Elizabeth, cautious about touching her.
“If that happens, are you taking her to New York?” Elizabeth rejoined, at last. There was too much trouble already, and she doubted whether her sister was trustworthy.
“No, I already quit my job but I earned a lot. And I want to buy a house. If possible, I will stay nearby so Sophia can always drop by.”
Those words were very soothing to everyone and most especially to Elizabeth. It was an agreement they were all at ease with.
CHAPTER 20
________________________________________________________ † ________________________________________________________
a mother’s song
“Sophia.” Lilly found her niece in her car, some place in the outskirts of the city. She was there right away, after Sophia’s call to come and get her. “Hey.”
It seemed Sophia had been out of sorts, for hours, with her window rolled open. Nothing would do to change the fact that she’d just been damaged by her own self-inflicted mess. Circumstances demanded her to feel it. But in spite of it all, she felt no bitterness, merely some need to make good on her apologies.
“What happened?” Lilly leaned in to check on her, her voice lighter than air. She was too mortified, for Sophia’s sake, to worry about the unsigned papers, back at work. Only a week ago, she had grabbed Elizabeth’s offer to be the new marketing head of the family hospital, and the back-load staggered her.
“Let’s find some place to eat,” Lilly talked again, very carefully, after her wrist watch pointed to eleven in the morning. “I can tell that you haven’t had your breakfast yet. Your mom said you’ve been avoiding meals.” She hadn’t heard any response, and this frustrated her. She didn’t know her niece was actually wedged in-between myriad contemplations.
Sophia wanted to tell Lilly about this morning but she worried much more for Enzo. Although he had her hurt, too, she didn’t want another humiliation for him. The Sadist-boyfriend reputation had no more space for the erstwhile stalker status he’d received from everyone. He didn’t have to live with those labels. Most especially when he had just “suffered” from being an adoptee, all his life.
“All right then. Let’s get out of here,” Lilly stirred again and straightened her spine, tapped her fingers on the car roof, and asked Sophia to transfer to the other seat. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive your car,” she said.
At last Sophia stirred. “You always manage to smile, Aunt. What’s your secret?” She faced Lilly, as though half-dead, hanging on to the tiniest bit of life.
Lilly only concentrated on the steering wheel and said, “We all have problems, Sophie. Some just have the ability to cope better.”
Sophia almost laughed at the thought, amazed. And oh, how she wished she could do the same! Then she asked where they were heading.
“To my apartment.” Lilly roared the engine into action and drove recklessly, making Sophia’s back arch with some pain, after Enzo had hauled her back to the wall, inside the women’s room. “And stop asking too many questions, okay?”
“Okay.” Sophia nodded and attempted to bear the back-ache.
“Something wrong with your back?” Lilly had noticed, especially when Sophia tightened her hold on her back.
“I’m fine.” Sophia was bad at pretending. She folded her arms across her chest and rubbernecked at the side of the road, watching big billboards after another. She was determined not to tip out any detail.
Somehow, Lilly wasn’t convinced as she looked at her for another moment. It must have been linked as to why she wasn’t in school today.
“Where’s Francheska now?” Sophia then asked suddenly, her throat rippling when she mentioned the name.
It was something Lilly hadn’t expected. When she heard the news from Elizabeth, that Sophia had already known, they thought Sophia would never care about her real mom. It was a surprise to Lilly that Sophia had shown some interest, now. “She’s at your house.” Lilly then slowed down her driving and avoided Sophia’s look. She tensed when Sophi
a started asking questions about Francheska, and she couldn’t find the right words to say.
“Is that why you’re not taking me home?”
“Sort of, but the main reason is, I want to show you something.”
Sophia shifted her look to her aunt and got energized, revealing copious interest. “What is it?”
“Um, you’ll see.”
A heavy sigh escaped Sophia. She was longing for another question, no longer about her mom but about her real dad. She gazed at her aunt again and asked, “About my father Benjamin, where’s he?”
Sophia’s consecutive questions were pressing Lilly to the verge. How could she ever ask her to understand that her parents were young once, who made real mistakes and wrong decisions, too? “When it happened, our parents wanted Benjamin behind bars because he was already eighteen at the time, but your Grandma Lucy protested heavily. She insisted it wasn’t rape.” Lilly could easily recall those horrible days, and she slowed down her driving. “There had been lawyers, and too many cases were filed. And Francheska, oh God, she was a complete mess. She was suicidal. It was a complete nightmare for a dreamy fifteen-year-old girl. Life was good to her, you know. But in one snap-second, everything’s gone. Just like that.”
Sophia looked at Lilly, and started thinking how Francheska had been the best of the best, before she had her. But the urge to know more about her real parents compelled her to persevere in asking. “And…?”
“Ben escaped.” Lilly made sure she met Sophia’s eyes when she said it and shunted her stare back on the road. “Until now, there are no words about his whereabouts,” she said.
Sophia dropped her gaze and leaned back against the seat. “Gran hates me. I’ve always known,” she referred to Grandma Lucy. “She lost a son because of me.”
Lilly immediately vetoed. “No, Sophia. You’re wrong.”
“No.” Sophia swayed her head like a child and fought back her moans. “She’s never looked me in the eye with fondness. It has always been hatred and cruelty, and…”
And then, it was out.
A moment passed, and Sophia spoke again, “I want to know more about Francheska. Why did she leave after I was born?” Sophia stiffened her spine after asking it.
It was another tormenting question for Lilly. Surely she wasn’t the best one to entertain such a difficult question but, she knew she was, somehow, liable to share a handful of answers, especially with this one. “When you were born, she got depressed. Post-partum depression, I heard. On the spur of the moment, she wanted you away from her.” Lilly paused to check Sophia’s reaction and continued, when her niece seemed to listen more. “It happened that your Grandma Lucy was there in the hospital. I guess she swallowed her pride. There had been so many settlements, but eventually, Elizabeth took you to Forest Green.”
“How about gramps and granny,” Sophia was referring to Randy and Emily, “did they not offer to take me?”
“That I can’t tell. I guess, for sure, they wanted you desperately.”
They arrived at Lilly’s flat at way past lunch-time. A pant escaped Sophia’s lips as she followed her aunt into the room in shades of pastel pink, with a small crystal chandelier that splintered thousands of prisms of light in every direction. But it was not the room that made her pant—it was her aunt’s lack of cleanliness. Her clothes were scattered all over the floor, the telephone was nowhere to be found, the laundry was undone, and the kitchen… nobody would ever dare to take a second glimpse of it.
“Oh! Never mind the orderliness of my apartment, by the way.” Lilly sent a look her way, and went to the kitchen to cook something she called From Verona With Love.
Sophia got captivated by the peculiar dish description, and volunteered to help her—at least with the cutting of fruits and vegetables, if there were any.
“You know, back in London,” Lilly was saying as she brought out tomatoes and basil leaves from the fridge, “I met an Italian guy, from Verona, who’s such a good cook,” then halted when Sophia realized the dish was named after the place.
“So I know now why it’s called From Verona With Love,” she said.
“Uh-huh. His name’s Alfonso, by the way. And he’s hot, okay?”
“Okay,” Sophia cackled, sat down on the kitchen table, and listened more to her aunt’s promising romantic story…
“But he went away, leaving me with unsettled bills and bank accounts,” Lilly admitted, nodding in shame.
“Oh, tragic.” Sophia tried to perk her up. “But you said he’s a good cook?”
“Yeah, he was.” Lilly was gesturing as she spoke but she frowned as she suddenly remembered something. “I guess, he had to leave.”
Sophia pulled out her lively mood when she saw the grimace in her aunt’s face. “I’m sorry about that.” She wanted to add some comforting words but couldn’t come up with any.
For Lilly, she hated to admit it was all her fault. That was one of the darkest phases of her life, as a hooker. She tried to tell Sophia, but how could she ever find the guts to tell her? Certainly she wasn’t a good example, and she didn’t want her niece to know. She dismissed her thoughts and asked Sophia if she wanted Spaghetti with meatballs.
“Spaghetti’s very typical. I was kind of expecting something… different.”
A syllable of oh came from Lilly, disappointed with herself, too. She was not a good cook, never had been, and she couldn’t afford to make another mess out of this. “Go get the phone. We’re ordering pizza, then.”
“No, I was only kidding,” Sophia immediately reacted, handing down her sweetest smile. “Besides, I’m up for meatballs today,” she spiced up, which got Lilly to giggle in amazement.
“All right, I’ll make Morconitos too,” Lilly said, just when she recovered from her big laugh and went to the sink to wash her hands.
“What’s that again?”
“Morconitos. It’s easy to prepare. It’s more of boneless chicken thigh with cheese, carrots, and raisins.”
“Nice. I like the sound of that.” Sophia’s grin widened and she remembered that her aunt wanted to show her something. “And what was that again that you wished to show me?” She reminded Lilly.
“Oh, about that…” Lilly stopped washing the chicken meat and carrots, then led Sophia to her bedroom.
Sophia simply watched her in motion. Lilly brought out something from the dresser and handed a piece of linen paper that used to be crumpled. Sophia took time examining it, then the lyrics and guitar chords promptly showed. Sophia began reading the front page, silently, displaying the title of the song, Dreams.
Dreams
Em-C-G-D
I used to be a happy girl;
filled with many dreams
that someday, somehow,
I will be there living those dreams
Refrain 1: Em-C-Am-C-D
But my world changed and I tumbled down
I got nowhere to go; thought it was the end
Chorus: C-G-Am-F
But as I cried with my guitar
I realized that someday I’ll catch them all
With my faith to myself
there ain’t anything that stops me
from reaching those dreams
II. Em-C-G-D
Though right now I feel like I failed
Still, I keep on believing
This is the road of life
and I know it has ups and downs
Refrain 2: Em-C-Am-C-D
Now I’m changing my world
No more tumbling down
And I found my way
No more thinking that it is the end
(Repeat chorus)
Sophia’s thoughts came to a halt, and she asked herself, Is this Francheska’s?
As for Lilly, she merely observed Sophia, waiting for her words.
Now, Sophia was about to speak. “This is Francheska’s. She wrote this when she was at the peak of her dreams. And it ended because,” Sophia’s voice turned shaky, struggling t
o carry on, “because I came along.”
Lilly was silent for a bit. “Take a look at the back page,” she then requested and wished for a positive feedback from her niece.
Angel Inside
I. G9-C9
You know that can’t I’m not gonna
let you down, mama
But it happened, but it happened
Suddenly, sadly
It was my mistake
Didn’t mean to hurt you
Didn’t mean to make you cry, cry...
Chorus: G9-C9
But I’m gonna let this angel
This angel inside live
Cause I know
She has life, she’s innocent,
she’s mine...
II. G9-C9
Don’t get mad, please I’m begging now
Why don’t you take me as I am was?
People please, don’t judge me that way
‘ Cause I’m hurt It’s unbearable
(Chorus)
Coda: Now, please understand me.
Sophia, the moment she read the last word, fell to her knees crying. She knew Francheska, at some point, wanted to keep her. The lines angel inside, she has life, she’s innocent, and she’s mine were truly moving her. She knew now—she was loved by her real mother!
“Yes, Sophia! Francheska wanted you,” Lilly said softly, and offered her shoulder for her niece to cry on. “Forgive her, for she had gone through a lot of things that no words could ever tell.” Lilly steadied herself for her niece.
Sophia lingered at her aunt’s bedroom. The look of her was deeply troubled. Yet Lilly surmised that this new, tender truth would be good for Sophia.
Lilly went back to the kitchen to finish her cooking, leaving Sophia to her thoughts.
Sophia held up the paper once more and a light feeling suddenly glowed inside of her. It seemed she was now ready to forgive Francheska. The longing inside her intensified. She approached her aunt and admitted she wanted to see Francheska.
Lilly hesitated and bequeathed her a quick smile.
“I want to see her. Can you help me?” Sophia asked, as eager as a baby learning to crawl.