sealed, and I read it to him, wherein Ihad left order that all the plate and jewels and fine furniture whichhis Highness had given me should be restored to him by my women, and thekeys be immediately delivered to his gentleman in case of disaster.
Then I recommended my woman, Amy, to his favour for a hundred pistoles,on condition she gave the keys up as above to his gentleman, and hisgentleman's receipt for them. When he saw this, "My dear child," saidhe, and took me in his arms, "what! have you been making your will anddisposing of your effects? Pray, who do you make your universal heir?""So far as to do justice to your Highness, in case of mortality, I have,my lord," said I, "and who should I dispose the valuable things to,which I have had from your hand as pledges of your favour andtestimonies of your bounty, but to the giver of them? If the childshould live, your Highness will, I don't question, act like yourself inthat part, and I shall have the utmost satisfaction that it will be wellused by your direction."
I could see he took this very well. "I have forsaken all the ladies inParis," says he, "for you, and I have lived every day since I knew youto see that you know how to merit all that a man of honour can do foryou. Be easy, child; I hope you shall not die, and all you have is yourown, to do what with it you please."
I was then within about two months of my time, and that soon wore off.When I found my time was come, it fell out very happily that he was inthe house, and I entreated he would continue a few hours in the house,which he agreed to. They called his Highness to come into the room, ifhe pleased, as I had offered and as I desired him; and I sent word Iwould make as few cries as possible to prevent disturbing him. He cameinto the room once, and called to me to be of good courage, it wouldsoon be over, and then he withdrew again; and in about half-an-hour moreAmy carried him the news that I was delivered, and had brought him acharming boy. He gave her ten pistoles for her news, stayed till theyhad adjusted things about me, and then came into the room again, cheeredme and spoke kindly to me, and looked on the child, then withdrew, andcame again the next day to visit me.
Since this, and when I have looked back upon these things with eyesunpossessed with crime, when the wicked part has appeared in its clearerlight and I have seen it in its own natural colours, when no moreblinded with the glittering appearances which at that time deluded me,and as in like cases, if I may guess at others by myself, too muchpossessed the mind; I say, since this I have often wondered with whatpleasure or satisfaction the prince could look upon the poor innocentinfant, which, though his own, and that he might that way have someattachment in his affections to it, yet must always afterwards be aremembrancer to him of his most early crime, and, which was worse, mustbear upon itself, unmerited, an eternal mark of infamy, which should bespoken of, upon all occasions, to its reproach, from the folly of itsfather and wickedness of its mother.
Great men are indeed delivered from the burthen of their naturalchildren, or bastards, as to their maintenance. This is the mainaffliction in other cases, where there is not substance sufficientwithout breaking into the fortunes of the family. In those cases eithera man's legitimate children suffer, which is very unnatural, or theunfortunate mother of that illegitimate birth has a dreadful affliction,either of being turned off with her child, and be left to starve, &c.,or of seeing the poor infant packed off with a piece of money to thoseshe-butchers who take children off their hands, as 'tis called, that isto say, starve them, and, in a word, murder them.
Great men, I say, are delivered from this burthen, because they arealways furnished to supply the expense of their out-of-the-wayoffspring, by making little assignments upon the Bank of Lyons or thetownhouse of Paris, and settling those sums, to be received for themaintenance of such expense as they see cause.
Thus, in the case of this child of mine, while he and I conversed, therewas no need to make any appointment as an appanage or maintenance forthe child or its nurse, for he supplied me more than sufficiently forall those things; but afterwards, when time, and a particularcircumstance, put an end to our conversing together (as such thingsalways meet with a period, and generally break off abruptly), I say,after that, I found he appointed the children a settled allowance, by anassignment of annual rent upon the Bank of Lyons, which was sufficientfor bringing them handsomely, though privately, up in the world, andthat not in a manner unworthy of their father's blood, though I came tobe sunk and forgotten in the case; nor did the children ever knowanything of their mother to this day, other than as you may have anaccount hereafter.
But to look back to the particular observation I was making, which Ihope may be of use to those who read my story, I say it was somethingwonderful to me to see this person so exceedingly delighted at the birthof this child, and so pleased with it; for he would sit and look at it,and with an air of seriousness sometimes a great while together, andparticularly, I observed, he loved to look at it when it was asleep.
It was indeed a lovely, charming child, and had a certain vivacity inits countenance that is far from being common to all children so young;and he would often say to me that he believed there was somethingextraordinary in the child, and he did not doubt but he would come to bea great man.
I could never hear him say so, but though secretly it pleased me, yet itso closely touched me another way that I could not refrain sighing, andsometimes tears; and one time in particular it so affected me that Icould not conceal it from him; but when he saw tears run down my face,there was no concealing the occasion from him; he was too importunate tobe denied in a thing of that moment; so I frankly answered, "It sensiblyaffects me, my lord," said I, "that, whatever the merit of this littlecreature may be, he must always have a bend on his arms. The disaster ofhis birth will be always, not a blot only to his honour, but a bar tohis fortunes in the world. Our affection will be ever his affliction,and his mother's crime be the son's reproach. The blot can never bewiped out by the most glorious action; nay, if it lives to raise afamily," said I, "the infamy must descend even to its innocentposterity."
He took the thought, and sometimes told me afterwards that it made adeeper impression on him than he discovered to me at that time; but forthe present he put it off with telling me these things could not behelped; that they served for a spur to the spirits of brave men,inspired them with the principles of gallantry, and prompted them tobrave actions; that though it might be true that the mention ofillegitimacy might attend the name, yet that personal virtue placed aman of honour above the reproach of his birth; that, as he had no sharein the offence, he would have no concern at the blot; when, having byhis own merit placed himself out of the reach of scandal, his fameshould drown the memory of his beginning; that as it was usual for menof quality to make such little escapes, so the number of their naturalchildren were so great, and they generally took such good care of theireducation, that some of the greatest men in the world had a bend intheir coats-of-arms, and that it was of no consequence to them,especially when their fame began to rise upon the basis of theiracquired merit; and upon this he began to reckon up to me some of thegreatest families in France and in England also.
This carried off our discourse for a time; but I went farther with himonce, removing the discourse from the part attending our children to thereproach which those children would be apt to throw upon us, theiroriginals; and when speaking a little too feelingly on the subject, hebegan to receive the impression a little deeper than I wished he haddone. At last he told me I had almost acted the confessor to him; that Imight, perhaps, preach a more dangerous doctrine to him than we shouldeither of us like, or than I was aware of. "For, my dear," says he, "ifonce we come to talk of repentance we must talk of parting."
If tears were in my eyes before, they flowed too fast now to berestrained, and I gave him but too much satisfaction by my looks that Ihad yet no reflections upon my mind strong enough to go that length, andthat I could no more think of parting than he could.
He said a great many kind things, which were great, like himself, and,extenuating our crime, intimated to me that he could no more part withm
e than I could with him; so we both, as I may say, even against ourlight and against our conviction, concluded to sin on; indeed, hisaffection to the child was one great tie to him, for he was extremelyfond of it.
The child lived to be a considerable man. He was first an officer of the_Garde du Corps_ of France, and afterwards colonel of a regiment ofdragoons in Italy, and on many extraordinary occasions showed that hewas not unworthy such a father, but many ways deserving a legitimatebirth and a better mother; of which hereafter.
I think I may say now that I lived indeed like a queen; or, if you willhave me confess that my condition had still the reproach of a whore, Imay say I was, sure, the queen of whores; for no woman was ever morevalued or more caressed by a person of such quality only in the stationof a mistress. I had, indeed, one deficiency which women in suchcircumstances seldom are