to give anaccount of all my past actions; and in this state, and on that account,I looked back upon my wickedness with abhorrence, as I have said above,but I had no sense of repentance from the true motive of repentance; Isaw nothing of the corruption of nature, the sin of my life, as anoffence against God, as a thing odious to the holiness of His being, asabusing His mercy and despising His goodness. In short, I had nothorough effectual repentance, no sight of my sins in their propershape, no view of a Redeemer, or hope in Him. I had only such arepentance as a criminal has at the place of execution, who is sorry,not that he has committed the crime, as it is a crime, but sorry that heis to be hanged for it.
It is true Amy's repentance wore off too, as well as mine, but not sosoon. However, we were both very grave for a time.
As soon as we could get a boat from the town we went on shore, andimmediately went to a public-house in the town of Harwich, where wewere to consider seriously what was to be done, and whether we should goup to London or stay till the ship was refitted, which, they said, wouldbe a fortnight, and then go for Holland, as we intended, and as businessrequired.
Reason directed that I should go to Holland, for there I had all mymoney to receive, and there I had persons of good reputation andcharacter to apply to, having letters to them from the honest Dutchmerchant at Paris, and they might perhaps give me a recommendation againto merchants in London, and so I should get acquaintance with somepeople of figure, which was what I loved; whereas now I knew not onecreature in the whole city of London, or anywhere else, that I could goand make myself known to. Upon these considerations, I resolved to go toHolland, whatever came of it.
But Amy cried and trembled, and was ready to fall into fits, when I didbut mention going upon the sea again, and begged of me not to go, or ifI would go, that I would leave her behind, though I was to send hera-begging. The people in the inn laughed at her, and jested with her,asked her if she had any sins to confess that she was ashamed should beheard of, and that she was troubled with an evil conscience; told her,if she came to sea, and to be in a storm, if she had lain with hermaster, she would certainly tell her mistress of it, and that it was acommon thing for poor maids to confess all the young men they had lainwith; that there was one poor girl that went over with her mistress,whose husband was a ......r, in ......, in the city of London, whoconfessed, in the terror of a storm, that she had lain with her master,and all the apprentices, so often, and in such-and-such places, and madethe poor mistress, when she returned to London, fly at her husband, andmake such a stir as was indeed the ruin of the whole family. Amy couldbear all that well enough, for though she had indeed lain with hermaster, it was with her mistress's knowledge and consent, and, which wasworse, was her mistress's own doing. I record it to the reproach of myown vice, and to expose the excesses of such wickedness as they deserveto be exposed.
I thought Amy's fear would have been over by that time the ship would begotten ready, but I found the girl was rather worse and worse; and whenI came to the point that we must go on board or lose the passage, Amywas so terrified that she fell into fits; so the ship went away withoutus.
But my going being absolutely necessary, as above, I was obliged to goin the packet-boat some time after, and leave Amy behind at Harwich, butwith directions to go to London and stay there to receive letters andorders from me what to do. Now I was become, from a lady of pleasure, awoman of business, and of great business too, I assure you.
I got me a servant at Harwich to go over with me, who had been atRotterdam, knew the place, and spoke the language, which was a greathelp to me, and away I went. I had a very quick passage and pleasantweather, and, coming to Rotterdam, soon found out the merchant to whom Iwas recommended, who received me with extraordinary respect. And firsthe acknowledged the accepted bill for four thousand pistoles, which heafterwards paid punctually; other bills that I had also payable atAmsterdam he procured to be received for me; and whereas one of thebills for one thousand two hundred crowns was protested at Amsterdam, hepaid it me himself, for the honour of the indorser, as he called it,which was my friend the merchant at Paris.
There I entered into a negotiation by his means for my jewels, and hebrought me several jewellers to look on them, and particularly one tovalue them, and to tell me what every particular was worth. This was aman who had great skill in jewels, but did not trade at that time, andhe was desired by the gentleman that I was with to see that I might notbe imposed upon.
All this work took me up near half a year, and by managing my businessthus myself, and having large sums to do with, I became as expert in itas any she-merchant of them all. I had credit in the bank for a largesum of money, and bills and notes for much more.
After I had been here about three months, my maid Amy writes me wordthat she had received a letter from her friend, as she called him. That,by the way, was the prince's gentleman, that had been Amy'sextraordinary friend indeed, for Amy owned to me he had lain with her ahundred times, that is to say, as often as he pleased, and perhaps inthe eight years which that affair lasted it might be a great dealoftener. This was what she called her friend, who she corresponded withupon this particular subject, and, among other things, sent her thisparticular news, that my extraordinary friend, my real husband, who rodein the _gens d'armes_, was dead, that he was killed in a rencounter, asthey call it, or accidental scuffle among the troopers; and so the jadecongratulated me upon my being now a real free woman. "And now, madam,"says she at the end of her letter, "you have nothing to do but to comehither and set up a coach and a good equipage, and if beauty and a goodfortune won't make you a duchess, nothing will." But I had not fixed mymeasures yet. I had no inclination to be a wife again. I had had suchbad luck with my first husband, I hated the thoughts of it. I foundthat a wife is treated with indifference, a mistress with a strongpassion; a wife is looked upon as but an upper servant, a mistress is asovereign; a wife must give up all she has, have every reserve she makesfor herself be thought hard of, and be upbraided with her verypin-money, whereas a mistress makes the saying true, that what the manhas is hers, and what she has is her own; the wife bears a thousandinsults, and is forced to sit still and bear it, or part, and be undone;a mistress insulted helps herself immediately, and takes another.
These were my wicked arguments for whoring, for I never set against themthe difference another way--I may say, every other way; how that, first,a wife appears boldly and honourably with her husband, lives at home,and possesses his house, his servants, his equipages, and has a right tothem all, and to call them her own; entertains his friends, owns hischildren, and has the return of duty and affection from them, as theyare here her own, and claims upon his estate, by the custom of England,if he dies and leaves her a widow.
The whore skulks about in lodgings, is visited in the dark, disownedupon all occasions before God and man; is maintained, indeed, for atime, but is certainly condemned to be abandoned at last, and left tothe miseries of fate and her own just disaster. If she has anychildren, her endeavour is to get rid of them, and not maintain them;and if she lives, she is certain to see them all hate her, and beashamed of her. While the vice rages, and the man is in the devil'shand, she has him; and while she has him, she makes a prey of him; butif he happens to fall sick, if any disaster befalls him, the cause ofall lies upon her. He is sure to lay all his misfortunes at her door;and if once he comes to repentance, or makes but one step towards areformation, he begins with her--leaves her, uses her as she deserves,hates her, abhors her, and sees her no more; and that with thisnever-failing addition, namely, that the more sincere and unfeigned hisrepentance is, the more earnestly he looks up, and the more effectuallyhe looks in, the more his aversion to her increases, and he curses herfrom the bottom of his soul; nay, it must be a kind of excess of charityif he so much as wishes God may forgive her.
The opposite circumstances of a wife and whore are such and so many, andI have since seen the difference with such eyes, as I could dwell uponthe subject a great while; but my business is history. I had a l
ongscene of folly yet to run over. Perhaps the moral of all my story maybring me back again to this part, and if it does I shall speak of itfully.
While I continued in Holland I received several letters from my friend(so I had good reason to call him) the merchant in Paris, in which hegave me a farther account of the conduct of that rogue the Jew, and howhe acted after I was gone; how impatient he was while the said merchantkept him in suspense, expecting me to come again; and how he raged whenhe found I came no more.
It seems, after he found I did not come, he found out by his unweariedinquiry where I had lived, and that I had been kept as a mistress bysome great person; but he could never learn by who, except that helearnt the colour of his livery. In pursuit of this inquiry he guessedat the right person, but could not make it out, or offer any positiveproof of it; but he found out the prince's gentleman, and talked sosaucily to him of it that the gentleman treated