Because how could Stevie be so cruel? He wasn’t cruel. I knew him. He wasn’t cruel!
“Comet?”
“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
Silence met my response. And then, voice tight, Tobias demanded, “What happened?”
I winced, wishing he didn’t know me so well. “Nothing happened.”
“Something happened. Are you with Vicki and Steph? I don’t hear any noise in the background.”
Feeling guilty, I admitted, “I went home instead.”
“Comet.” He sighed. “Who was it? Who gave you crap?”
“It was nothing, okay. Just let it go.”
“What did they do? Who?”
“It was all of them. Stevie, Alana, their friends. They just...” I squeezed my eyes closed, fear and indignation coalescing inside of me. “They just were doing what they did at lunch.”
“Except you were on your own.” He bit out a curse.
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” he snapped. “I’m going to kill Stevie.”
The idea of him and Stevie getting physical made the fear overthrow my indignation. “No. Leave it. I mean it, Tobias. They will get bored. We just need to wait it out.”
And I needed to remember that this moment in our lives wouldn’t last forever.
Easier said than done.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
19
How easy it would be to just disappear again,
But not without you.
For you I’ll stay here and endure all of them,
Just. Please. Stay. True.
—CC
The person I should have been most wary of was Stevie, I guess, because it was clear none of this would be happening to us without his say-so. But as much as I tried to hold on to my hate for him, I still remembered the tears in his eyes when he talked about how sick his mum was, and the fierce way he’d held on to me when he’d hugged me in comfort.
Stevie was in a lot of pain, and I still felt sorry for him. That didn’t mean I wasn’t furious at him. Because he’d set Alana and Jimmy on us, and those two were the ones I was most afraid of. They had aggressive impulse control problems and one of these days they were going to slip Stevie’s leash. I was sure of it.
The verbal abuse continued for the next few weeks, and both Tobias and I had to change our phone numbers because Stevie clearly had shared them with his delinquent friends. I’d gotten one-word texts calling me every insult under the sun, and they’d tried to taunt Tobias into a fight by saying ugly things about me, his mum and even his dad.
It was awful.
Vicki wanted us to report it, but Tobias and I had both agreed to just give it a little more time. Despite everything, we didn’t want to get Stevie in trouble, holding on to hope that our friend was still buried under all that callousness. Plus, neither of us had much faith in the adults in our lives, and I knew that made us reluctant to speak up, too.
Tobias and Vicki refused to let me out of their sight. If I wasn’t with one of them I was with the other. I dreaded school.
I dreaded it in a way I couldn’t believe I dreaded it. It was even worse than the days of primary six and my teacher from hell, even worse than Heather’s petty stunts. What I hated most was not knowing what was going to happen when I got to school. Would it be words meant to shame and humiliate me? Or would it finally progress and become physical? I had to hope Stevie would never allow that to happen, but I had to wonder if he was just too far gone to care anymore.
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach never left me as I waited apprehensively for their next move.
Our bullies were taking a toll on my and Tobias’s burgeoning relationship. Some might say he was just handling me with care, but it felt like he’d put this wall up between us when it came to being romantic with each other. His kisses were never more than quick pecks on the lips, and when he held me he could have been a brother hugging his sister. I was starting to seriously worry that he’d decided he didn’t want me anymore. It would be understandably difficult for him to broach the subject, considering what we’d put ourselves through to be together.
I wanted to talk with him about it.
But I was scared of what he might say.
The words were on the tip of my tongue as Tobias lay sprawled on my bed with our Spanish homework scattered in front of us. In true Scottish winter fashion, it was stormy outside with the wind lashing rain against my window. I was lying next to Tobias, with my elbow bent and my head supported in the palm of my hand. I chewed on a pen, studying his handsome face as he frowned at the essay he was working on.
His phone buzzed between us, jolting me out of my anxious musings. He flicked it open and the corners of his mouth turned up a little. “Who is it?” I blurted out, envious of anyone who could make him smile.
“Luke Macintyre.”
I nodded. Luke was in the year above us and he was on the rugby team. “What does he want?”
Tobias shrugged, putting his phone back down. “He was just inviting me to go hang out with him and some of the team.”
Never wanting to be the kind of girl who would stop him from seeing his friends, I insisted he should go. He shook his head.
“Tobias, I’m fine.”
His gaze met mine, his filled with way more worry than a teenage boy’s should be. “You say that but I know it’s not true.”
Frustrated by his belief that I couldn’t handle myself I sat up. “Look, are things great right now? No. They are not. But—and I really appreciate it, I do—I don’t need twenty-four-hour surveillance and protection. I’m in my room, safe and sound.”
He grinned at my exasperation. “Have you ever considered that I might just prefer hanging out with you?”
I rolled my eyes at his teasing and shoved him playfully, but Tobias grabbed my hand before I could pull back, and he tugged on it. When I fell against him with a startled laugh, surprise and heat flashed through me when his lips came down on mine and he kissed me.
Really kissed me this time.
When I touched my tongue against his, his groan vibrated deliciously into my mouth and I whimpered a little, needing him closer. Our papers crinkled beneath us as Tobias rolled into me, his strong body pressing mine to my mattress. My hands curled in his hair as I willed his hands to move from my waist. Anywhere. Everywhere. I just wanted him to touch me. Trying to encourage some wickedness, I shifted my leg over his hip so he shifted deeper against me.
Even though I felt him react, the next second he was off me, sitting up on the bed, trying to catch his breath.
I lay there, my arms suspended in the air where his head had been, wondering what on earth had happened.
He’d stopped.
“Why?” I huffed, sitting up and smoothing my sweater down.
“What?” He wouldn’t look at me.
It was bad enough not knowing what I was walking into at school every day, but not knowing whether my boyfriend really wanted to be with me was the last straw. “Do you not fancy me?”
Tobias whipped around to look at me, incredulity written all over his face. “What? Comet, why would you say that?”
I blushed, mortified by my insecurities. “Well... I just...”
He grabbed my hand, pressing it against his chest where I could feel his heart’s speedy thud. “Of course I do. Believe me—” his eyes smoldered as they wandered lazily over my face and body “—I do. You’re beautiful.”
I blushed again, this time from the compliment. He’d never called me beautiful before.
He groaned, touching my hot cheek. “And even more so when you do that. Why would you think otherwise?”
Still confused I explained, “You never seem to want to kiss me, never mind do anything else.”
“I kiss you all the
time,” he argued.
“Without tongue,” I boldly and indignantly snapped.
The idiot looked ready to burst into laughter. “Okay...”
“I’m being serious, Tobias. You peck me on the lips now and then but you never seem to want to do more. I’m not made of glass. I’m not...” I bit my lip and looked away, hearing the taunts again. “I’m not frigid like they say I am.”
Tobias shifted closer to me, eyebrows drawn together. “I know. What they’re saying...it is getting to me, just not like you think. I try to ignore them even though I want to teach them a lesson they won’t forget. But I want everything to be good for us here, and I want that more than I want to pummel Jimmy’s face in. I hate the way they talk about us, about you. I worry about how it makes you feel...and I didn’t want to make the wrong move or seem like I was pushing for all the stuff that those guys are talking about. I want you to be ready, and I don’t want anyone’s crap messing up how we feel when we’re together like that.”
His explanation was the loveliest, most thoughtful explanation I could have hoped for. And it also made me realize I’d been kind of a self-absorbed brat. I wasn’t the only one affected by the bullying. I sometimes forgot to look past the big, tall, strong guy who had seemed invulnerable that first day I ever saw him. I knew better. And I was guilty of being a bad girlfriend.
“I’m sorry they made you feel like that.” I inched closer to him, leaning my chin on his shoulder. He was staring at a spot on my wall, the muscle in his jaw popping. That alone should have told me how bothered he was by the guys and their stupid comments. The sweep of his jawline was sharp, masculine and angular and just one of a few reasons Tobias looked older than sixteen. His handsomeness never ceased to affect me, and every day that he showed me how gorgeous he was on the inside, he grew more beautiful to me on the outside, too. Something I’d been longing to ask him prodded at me until I couldn’t contain it any longer. “Can I ask you something?”
He turned to look at me, our noses inches apart. “You can ask me anything.”
“Have you... I mean...rumor has it you and Heather...well...slept together.” The words tasted bitter leaving my mouth.
Shaking his head before pressing a sweet kiss to the tip of my nose, he said, “Never.”
Relief flooded me. I think I could bear the thought of him having had sex with anyone but Heather. Although her bullying seemed like small change compared to Stevie’s crew, I’d still never forgive her for picking on me all those years ago, no matter her reasons.
“Have you...had sex, though? With the girl you used to date back in Raleigh?”
“Ashley?” He frowned. “Nah. She comes from a very Christian family. She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.”
More relief began creeping over, hope even, “So does that mean you’re a virgin, too?”
Tobias’s expression turned apologetic and I felt myself stiffen without meaning to. “No.”
“Then who?” My stomach churned at the thought of him with another girl, but I wanted to know.
He pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck, something he only ever did when he was uncomfortable. “Why is it important?”
Now I really needed to know. “I thought you and I could talk about anything?”
“Well, you sound annoyed and I don’t want to end up arguing over something that doesn’t affect how I feel about you.”
Suspicion began to creep over me. “If it meant nothing, then just tell me who she is.”
Exhaling heavily, he shot me a baleful look. “I barely remember it, Comet.”
“Tobias.”
“Fine. It was a couple of weeks after I just got here. I was still pretty messed up about everything and Stevie took me to a party over the summer. At Jess Reed’s house.”
I think my heart stopped.
“I was so wasted,” he hurried to explain at the sight of my unmasked hurt. “Comet. Come on. So was Jess. I can hardly remember it. My first time. It was just a drunken fumble in her bedroom.”
It was more than a fumble. He lost his virginity to Jess Reed. My first selfish thought was, why couldn’t it have been anyone else? Jess was gorgeous, and I already felt hugely insecure about how I fared in comparison.
Yet, as I looked into my boyfriend’s eyes I started to think how I would feel if I could barely remember the first time I had sex. It was a sad state of affairs. All of it. Losing his dad, his anger with his dad, his refusal to admit he was still angry with his mum. And because of it all he’d lost something he’d never get back. “That doesn’t sound very special.”
“I didn’t need it to be,” he said bluntly. “I just wanted to get lost for a while.”
I nodded, understanding, but also wondering how many times he’d gotten lost. And with Jess?
“It was one time.” He seemed to read my thoughts. Shifting closer to me again, he took my arms in his and tugged me to him. His arms banded tight around me as I hugged mine around his shoulders. Lips inches from lips, his gaze filled with so much tenderness I finally felt like I could breathe for the first time since her name came up, Tobias whispered, “When you’re ready it’ll be like my real first time, too. Because I know that when it’s you and me, I’m going to remember every second for the rest of my life.”
Love for this boy filled me so completely in that moment I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Who says I’m not ready? I love you,” I whispered, brushing my mouth softly against his. “I love you, Tobias.”
His answer was to kiss me with such ferocity I’m surprised our bodies didn’t combust. Passion blazed between us, the kind I’d only ever read about in books, and as he pushed me to my back and began to touch me the way I dreamed of, I heard him murmur over and over, “I love you, too. I love you, too.”
My virginity wasn’t lost that night, although we came pretty close, but our worries were lost. Our cares and anxieties floated off to hover in some empty space outside the bubble we created in my bedroom as we learned to love each other in new ways.
It was the first time in weeks I was free of everything but love, and finally I could say I took my neighbor’s advice and channeled all my emotions into something good.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
20
Push, push, push until you push too far.
All that pushing pushed you out,
And you don’t know who you are.
—CC
Admitting I loved him and having Tobias reciprocate eased most of my insecurities about our relationship. Although walking through the halls at school wasn’t easy, I felt less alone than I had in the previous weeks. I also realized our relationship was heading somewhere serious. Physically. And that I not only wanted that but I wanted to be smart about it.
So I’d confided in Vicki that I wanted to go on the pill.
“You want to go on the pill?” She’d started to freak out when I told her in the girls’ restroom at school.
“Shh,” I’d said, even though we were alone. “Yes. Just in case. Will you come with me to the pharmacy? A nurse or consultant, or whatever, takes you into a room and asks you all these questions before they’ll give you it. I don’t want to do that alone.” I’d blushed just thinking about it.
Vicki had stared at me in shock but nodded. “Okay.”
And so she’d been my support when I went to the pharmacy to get my birth control. And it was every bit as mortifying as I’d imagined. But in a weird way it was a distraction from school.
I was tired of dreading school, exhausted because these last few weeks I’d become almost paranoid in my awareness of what was going on around me there. That hyperawareness was draining. Or it could have been that I’d become more confident in myself. Or I’d just reached the end of my tether. Whatever it was, it burst out of me one morning as I walked to school.
Alana and her crew ha
d followed me to school a few times, so for the most part I tried to leave for school earlier than they would. That morning, however, I was running late. As such it wasn’t long before I heard behind me, “Oy, geek! Did ye dress in the dark this mornin’?”
My first instinct was to hunch into myself and hurry but as the insults rained down on me, growing closer and closer, I found my feet slowing down while my heart rate took off.
“One of these days I’m goin’ tae knock that smug, ugly look off yer face!” Alana shouted.
And suddenly I was spinning around in reaction.
Alana and her girls skidded to a halt, while I fought to control my breathing, wanting to come across bored and indifferent even though every nerve inside me was trembling. A bead of sweat rolled down my back as I stared blandly at her.
“That threat is getting boring,” I said, relieved that my voice sounded smooth, unemotional.
“Whit?” Alana looked stunned.
“Boring,” I repeated. “Everything about this—” my hand gestured to them all “—is boring. I’m not scared of you. I’m bored by you.”
Her face flooded with color while her eyes narrowed in confusion.
“You think that trying to terrorize people makes you powerful and important?” I sneered at her, my anger desperate to fight through as I struggled to remain calm. “It doesn’t. We all think you’re pathetic, because we know that while high school is just a blip in time and that we’ll move on and have bloody wonderful lives doing things that actually matter...you’ll be stuck here. A coward and a bully who everyone looks down on. I’m not scared of you, Alana. I’m not impressed by you. I don’t even think about you. Other than to pity you.”
When no response was forthcoming, I turned calmly around and continued on to school. I knew once she got over her surprise there would be a retaliation, but I didn’t care. I cared that I’d stood up to her...and in that moment I was willing to deal with the consequences of that because the self-respect I felt was worth it.