Laughing, I reluctantly let him go so I could unlock the door. He huddled in behind me, stamping his feet and rubbing his arms. Concern washed over me. “How long have you been waiting out there?”
“About half an hour. I thought the show ended earlier.”
Tobias wasn’t really into the theater so I hadn’t thought it was fair to force him to come see a school show. He’d told me he was hanging out with Luke tonight. “Why aren’t you with the boys?”
“I was, but they got some girls around and were starting to party so...”
So he’d left. To come be with me. “I love you,” I blurted out.
Tobias smiled, bemused. “Yeah, I love you, too.”
“No.” I shook my head, frustrated that I couldn’t articulate what was on my mind. “I really love you.”
Now he frowned. “You don’t think I really love you?”
“No, I’m saying it wrong.” Huffing at myself, I began unzipping his jacket. He chuckled as I pulled off his outerwear with all the efficiency of a mother with her toddler. “Shoes off,” I said, as I took off my coat and winter accessories.
“Comet—”
“My room. Now.” I grabbed his hand and led him. Thankfully, Kyle and Carrie had left the heat on, so my bedroom was nice and toasty. As soon as the door closed behind him, I locked it.
Understanding began to dawn on his face as Tobias stared at the locked bedroom door. “Oh?” His eyebrows rose as he turned back to me. His cheeks suddenly looked flushed. “You mean...you really love me?”
I laughed in giddy nervousness. As soon as I’d seen him waiting for me at my door I’d known what I wanted tonight. I wanted to immerse myself completely in the one person I never felt alone with. I was scared of the unknown, nervous, feeling a little sick and knock-kneed to be honest. But I wanted to be with him more than any of those feelings combined.
Fingers trembling, I began to unbutton the blouse I was wearing.
Tobias took two long strides toward me and covered my fingers, halting me. He studied me, his whole body tense, coiled tight. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I... I’m on the pill,” I revealed. I’d started using it as soon as I’d gotten it from the pharmacy a few weeks ago during my mortifying visit there, with Vicki as my support.
His fingers curled tightly around mine. “I have... I’ve got protection on me.”
I flushed, squirming. It was weird how I could be ready to have sex with this boy and yet still find discussing the reality of it embarrassing. As if sensing that, Tobias grinned, a smile filled with mischief.
“Imagine your reaction if I’d said the word condom.”
I blushed from head to toe, making him throw his head back in laughter.
“You’re mean,” I huffed.
“You’re amazing,” he replied, laughter still in his voice, and then suddenly he was kissing me, his arms wrapped so tight around me that there wasn’t a part of me not touching him.
We stumbled backward, lost in our kisses, and fell across my bed. The sensation of his body pressing mine into the mattress sent flashes of white-hot heat licking up my body. From Tobias’s reaction, he felt the same.
From there I was lost, tumbling into a world of magic with him the same way I did when I cracked open a good book. The outside world faded away, until all that was left were his lips, his hands, his body and his whispered words of love.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
23
“Our hearts pounded like a stampede,
of horses in the wild.
Our hot blood rushed at super speed,
We’re lost. Found. Utterly beguiled.”
Tobias’s hold on me tightened as we lay in bed together, warm skin against warm skin. “Did you just think that up?”
“Yes,” I whispered, rubbing my cheek against his chest. “After what we just did I’m not going to get embarrassed over you hearing a few rough verses.”
He laughed gently. “I guess not.” I felt his fingers run through my hair. “Always a poet, huh?”
“I’ve had more to write about since you came into the picture. Love poems for miles.” I snorted. “Some are terrible.”
“As bad as ‘Roses are red, Violets are blue, thanks for having sex with me, I love you, too’?”
I burst into laughter, quickly muffling my giggles against his chest, because we’d heard my parents arrive home about ten minutes earlier. Thankfully, they’d gone straight upstairs to bed so they had no idea Tobias was in my room, or that I’d just lost my virginity to him.
The laughter was partly because my boyfriend was funny and also partly because I was giddy at the revelation of lovemaking. I couldn’t imagine doing any of the things we’d done with anyone but Tobias. Although books gave differing examples of the loss of one’s virginity, they all suggested the same thing—that the first time could be either painful or uncomfortable for a girl. It was uncomfortable for me, but just at first. Then it was...transcendent. I’d never felt more connected to anyone in my life than I did in that moment with Tobias.
I’d even cried, it was so beautiful, and he only made it more so by kissing away my tears. He hadn’t been alarmed by the wet in my eyes. Instead he saw past that to the joy.
To the love.
And just like that I didn’t know how I would ever cope in a world where I didn’t get to have those moments with him. The thought of my future in Virginia loomed over me on the bed like a dark, weighty cloud ready to burst.
“I’m going to assume you think my poetry is brilliant,” he said, laughter dancing in the words.
I tried to check my sudden worry and teased, “You’ve missed your calling. Give up the rugby and become a regular at Pan.”
“They’d probably think I’m being brilliantly ironic.”
“Probably.” I bit my lip, wondering if I should mention the future. Then suddenly my lips parted and the words just burst out of me. “I’m applying to study at the University of Virginia after graduation.”
Tobias took a moment to answer. “I know that.”
I turned my head to look at him and he turned his to look at me. He caught the worry in my expression. “What is it, Com?”
“It’s my dream to study there. But now you’re my dream, too. What do I do?”
“Can’t you have both?”
“Can I? Would you move back to the States?” God, I wanted him to just say yes so I could have my cake and eat it, too!
He sighed. Heavily. “I can’t answer that just now. All I can concentrate on is getting back on track with school so that when I do figure out what I want, I’ll have options. But right now I don’t know what it is I want when I graduate. All I do know is that I want you.” He gave me a reassuring squeeze. “So can’t we just enjoy what we have right now, and worry about all that later?”
I nodded, because I knew he was right. We still had time to work all that stuff out. So I shoved those worries back down from whence they came and did my best to ignore them.
We were quiet, just soaking in the peace of lying in one another’s arms. Outside my window, beyond the garden, I could hear the harsh lapping of the waves and that, plus the adrenaline rush I’d just had, caused my eyes to droop with tiredness. Exhaustion soothed my limbs like a gentle massage, making me feel fluid and more relaxed than I could remember feeling in a long time.
Tobias’s next words jolted me out of it. “I want you to spend Christmas Eve with me and my mom.”
What?
I pushed up off his chest so that I could see his expression. He brushed the hair off my face, seeming calm, like the idea wasn’t a big deal. “You actually want to spend time with your mum? And me? Christmas Eve. With your mum?” The mum he was currently so angry with that he barely spoke to her or spent time with her?
“Yeah. You said your parents
throw a big party and you end up staying in your room the whole time, so why not spend it with us instead?” Seeing my confused expression, Tobias sighed. “Look...I talked to her, okay.”
My pulse started to pick up speed. “About your dad?”
“Yes.”
“Because of me?”
“Because you were right, yes.”
I bit back a smile, wondering if it was possible this day could get any better. “And what did you say?”
He shrugged, the gesture far more indifferent than his sad expression. His pain took the wind out of my sails. This wasn’t a moment for me to crow over as a triumphant girlfriend realizing her influence over her boyfriend. This was Tobias, sharing his hurt and anger, the weight of which I wished I could shoulder for him.
“I told her I was angry at Dad for being a hypocrite and for being on my back all the time to be something it turned out he wasn’t. And angry at her for living this lie and making me live it, too.”
This time my heart beat hard with an ache. It was so unfair that someone so good, so true, should have to feel this way. There was no closure to be had for Tobias with his dad gone. It was just something he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life, and my chest smarted with the unfairness of it. “What did she say?”
The muscle in his jaw flexed and I felt his body tense against mine. “She said she stayed with him because she loved him, and she was scared that if she demanded his fidelity she would lose him.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. It reminded me so much of how Kyle was with Carrie—so blind to her faults, so in love with her, nothing else mattered. Not even how it affected their kid. Anger suffused me on Tobias’s behalf, and I must have not been able to hide it, because he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and squeezed gently. “Hey, I’m okay,” he assured me. “My mom isn’t proud of herself, Com. She told me she wished every day she’d been stronger. But she isn’t perfect. She’s just human...and as much as I felt pressured by my dad, she reminded me that I also felt loved.” Tears filled his eyes. “He did everything for me. I never felt like he didn’t care. He screwed up. Big-time. And I just have to get over it. Move on.”
His tears automatically produced my own. His pain, my pain.
I held him. So tight.
It was a promise that, no matter what, I’d help him learn to accept his father’s betrayal and above all to remember his father’s love.
Finally, when his tremors subsided, I whispered, “Yes, Tobias. I’ll spend Christmas Eve with you and your mum.”
He held me tighter and I felt his smile against my cheek.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
24
Honesty doesn’t absolve you of your crime,
In fact it’s more bitter than your deception.
Perhaps understanding comes with the gravity of time,
But for now there are limits to this heart’s perception.
—CC
“What do you mean you’re spending all of today at Tobias’s?” Dad frowned at me over his cup of coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a newspaper when I’d walked in to let him know I was leaving.
“His mum invited me.” I shrugged, not understanding what the problem was. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal. You guys always have a party on Christmas Eve.”
“Carrie doesn’t feel like it this year. She was going to make her curry. I thought we could watch It’s a Wonderful Life together.”
Bemused by the idea, I said, “When have we ever done anything like that?”
“When you were a kid we used to watch Christmas movies.”
“On Christmas Day. When, as you say, I was a kid.”
“I just don’t think you should spend Christmas Eve away from your family. I’d rather you not go. I would have thought you’d rather be at home, too, no?”
Quickly, so fast it almost gave me whiplash, anger tore through me in a blaze of heat. How dare he? How dare he try to make me feel guilty about wanting to spend Christmas with Tobias over him? “Are you kidding?”
Eyes flashing at my tone, he held up a hand to ward me off. “I’m not looking for an argument, Comet.”
“Not looking for an argument? You’re giving me crap about spending the day with someone who loves me. Loves me, Kyle. Loves me!”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means where have you been my entire bloody life?” The words, the bottled rage, just popped out, pouring my vitriol all over him. “You’re a coward who chooses Carrie over me every time she kicks up a stink about you giving me attention. I know what happened to her. I know... I overheard one day. And I’m sorry that happened to her, I’m really sorry, but her hating me for existing and you choosing her over me, it hurts. It hurts so bloody much. You stopped caring a long time ago whether I was even in the room, so you don’t get to suddenly become my parent and demand things of me. You just don’t.”
Kyle looked at me, horrified. “I love her, Comet.”
That was his excuse, his answer?
What about me?
“More than you love me?”
His gaze dropped but before it did I saw the guilt. And although I’d always known it was true, it broke something inside of me. Tears built in my throat, blurred my vision. “It’s not supposed to work like that, Dad.”
He jerked at the name.
“You’re supposed to love your kid more than anyone else in the world.” A sob burst forth before I could stop it, my pain the only sound in the harshly silent kitchen.
I tried to control it, to find a way to pull back the hurt and hide it from him.
“I...” Dad stared at me, anguish written all over his face. “I know your mum better than anyone. And I knew the way she was acting when she was pregnant that she saw you as a threat to my love for her. I didn’t want that to turn into something ugly, Comet. I didn’t want her to become a person she’d despise, and I didn’t want you to suffer that kind of abuse. I knew I’d have to leave her if that happened, and I didn’t know if I’d have that kind of strength. So I... I distanced myself from you. She needed me to do that.”
More tears spilled down my cheeks as I grabbed my bag with the present inside it for the boy who did care about me more than anyone else. “I... I’ve sat alone in that bedroom for almost seventeen years, waiting for someone to choose me. You have no idea how alone I’ve been. I needed you to love me.”
He choked out a sob, covering his mouth, and as I walked out of the house, the sounds of my dad’s crying rang in my ears.
But it didn’t make me feel any better.
* * *
Tobias knew as soon as we met halfway between his house and mine that something was wrong. I felt shell-shocked after my confrontation with my dad, and I guess I looked it.
“You’ve been crying,” he said, his hands brushing over my cheeks where clearly my tears had left tracks.
“Crap.” Worry crashed over me as I rummaged through my bag for a compact. “I can’t show up at your mum’s looking like I don’t want to be there.”
“Comet, what happened?” he asked as I checked out my reflection.
I busied myself fixing the blobs of mascara at the corners of my eyes and rubbing the tear tracks away. “I overreacted to something Kyle said.”
“Overreacted how?”
I shut the compact, feeling my eyes burn with fresh tears. My lips trembled as I tried to keep it together. “They’re not having a party and he suggested I should stay home. I... I don’t know what happened. I just lost it. I confronted him about choosing Carrie over me all the time and never being there for me.”
“Shit.” My boyfriend enfolded me in his arms and I clung to him for dear life.
“He admitted he loves her more than me.” I shook hard with the force of trying to stop my
tears. “I knew. I knew. But it feels like someone just punched a hole in my chest. I can’t breathe.” I shuddered and shook, struggling to contain the hurt.
Tobias’s arms tightened around me and then I heard him whisper in my ear, over and over, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
My anchor, he pulled me back to myself, to him, and slowly, but surely, I began to breathe again.
* * *
Tobias had offered to spend Christmas Eve with me alone, considering what had just occurred between me and Kyle. Yes, I was devastated by the brief conversation. I was also confused by my reaction, because Kyle hadn’t told me anything I didn’t already know. To hear him confess his own weak will when it came to Carrie, to hear from his own mouth that yes, he did love her more than me and that he’d choose her over me no matter what was painful. I didn’t know if his fears about Carrie’s issues were founded. Maybe. I guess I didn’t know the woman who was my mother well at all. She’d never been verbally unkind to me, though. Her cruelty had always been in her indifference.
Those were my thoughts, going around and around like they were stuck on some twisted, hellish merry-go-round, when I walked into Tobias’s new house.
I tried to focus on Lena. I discovered, however, as I followed her through the narrow hallway of the three-bedroom house in the more affluent area of Porty that Tobias did take after his father in looks. There was a photo hanging on the wall in the hallway of a younger Tobias standing in between Lena and a man I knew must have been his dad. They stood outside a huge white house that reminded me of the wealthy homes featured in John Hughes’s movies. Like Tobias, his dad was extremely tall, broad-shouldered, with fair good looks.
I’d slowed down to look at the photo, and Tobias turned around to see what was keeping me.
“Your dad?”
His eyes flicked to the photo, and I hated the pain that shimmered in his gaze. He nodded and I squeezed his hand.
“Would you like something to drink, Comet?” Lena called from the kitchen. “We have water, Coke, orange juice. Or I could make us all hot chocolate.”