Chapter 13
Tanya came rushing up to me toward the end of recess on Friday.
“I can’t talk about hair for one second more!”
My heart sank. Being as smart as I am, I instantly knew Carla was now out of the picture and we were back to square one.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m so sorry, Lara. I know you’re trying really hard, but I can’t stand hanging out with Carla. Honestly, I’d rather be alone.”
“Don’t say that!” I cried. It was worse than swearing.
“Since the bell rang this morning she hasn’t stopped talking to me about the salon she plans to open when she’s finished with school, and her favorite hairstyles, and which celebrity has the best color. I’m going crazy!”
I tried not to look too disappointed.
“I promise I will follow all your other advice, but don’t make me stay with Carla. She came to school this morning with colored mousse. She tried to convince me that it will look great if I have rainbow curls! I just lost it and told her I hate mousse, hairspray, and perms. She was really upset.”
“Okay, we’ll try someone else …”
I thought back to my list of possible best friends for Tanya. The next person was Lucy. Even though her parents owned a drug store and she had the best pencil case collection in our class, I didn’t think school supplies would be a problem anymore. Tanya seemed to have stopped sniffing rulers and paper clips.
“Let me think about how to pair you with Lucy … I think this calls for a Bungee Jump Friend attempt.”
Tanya looked terrified. “Huh?”
“It’s one of my best tricks. I save it for special people. Instead of preparing you, I’ll throw you into a conversation with Lucy and you have to bounce right into it. So it’s up to you, okay? You don’t have to learn any lines by heart, like you did with Carla, or try to play professional basketball, like you did with Julie. Just be yourself and talk to Lucy.”
Tanya still looked terrified.
“It’s okay,” I said in the voice I used when I was helping pair off fifth-graders on their first day of school. “You’ll be fine. Just remember there are some topics you don’t want to mention. Do you want me to write them down for you? That way you can look at them when you’re with Lucy. In case you get stuck.”
“That would be fantastic.”
I sat down and took out a piece of paper from my purse. I carried it with me for moments just like these. That is what you do when you live to help others at any minute.
When I finished, I handed her the list. It was just a quick pick from my more detailed Manual, which no one was going to see until Harry Potter’s publishers accepted it.
* * *
TOPICS TO STAY AWAY FROM
1. Anything your parents talk about. For example, politics or bills or the environment.
2. Any health or medical problems you have (like itchy toes, warts, or lice).
3. What your parents think about you. For example, “My mom says I have a beautiful voice” or “My dad says I have the face of an angel.”
4. Talking about how you love a teacher.
5. Talking about how you love schoolwork.
6. If you hate any popular singers or actors, just keep it to yourself. Some people love their celebrities more than their families and will have a meltdown if you disagree.
* * *
When Tanya finished reading the list she looked up and said, “Most of this is what we actually talk about.”
I shrugged.
“Like how we don’t like Justin Bieber. And how we love creative writing in English. And how our parents think we’ll be great writers one day.”
“I told you, home and school are different. If you want to survive school, you have to come as a new person. It’s fine for you to share that stuff with me. I’m the Friendship Matchmaker. I made the Rules, so I know the right time to bend them. And I would never bully you, so you’re safe with me. But we’re trying to find you a best friend. You won’t know what she’s really like until you’re close to her. So play it safe at first. Okay?”
Tanya smiled. “Okay, Lara. Whatever you say. You know what you’re doing. And honestly, I’m just so happy you chose to help me out of everybody.”
“It’s my duty, Tanya. I have a gift. I’d feel terrible if I didn’t use it. Okay, we’ll do Bungee Jump Friend at lunchtime. Try to relax and stay calm until then.”
“I want you to get into pairs for your next lesson,” Ms. Pria said.
I tried not to groan.
“I want you to design a project about the environment, because next Wednesday is our school’s Save the Planet Day.”
“Do we get the day off?” Jemma called out.
“No, Jemma, we obviously do not get the day off.”
There was a collective moan.
“I want to see some enthusiasm! You’ve all just returned from summer break. A day off should be the last thing on your mind. Naj and Edward, that better not be a jar with a grasshopper in it! Whatever it is, put it away right now. The pair who comes up with the best project in the class will get a prize.”
“What kind of prize?” Terry asked.
“Hand up next time, please, Terry. The prize will be a bag full of goodies.”
“What kind of goodies?” Kevin asked.
“What does it matter?” Ms. Pria snapped.
“Well, we have to decide if it’s worth doing a good job, don’t we?” Chris said.
“This project is not optional, Chris. And I’d really like to see something more than a blank piece of paper with your name on it this time.”
“Can I hand in a blank piece of paper with my name and my partner’s name on it?”
The class laughed.
“Chris! You will have detention today during lunch. I’ve had just about enough of your back talk for one day!”
Chris grinned, as happy as if he’d just received a student of the year award.
Bethany raised her hand. “What does the project have to be about, Ms. Pria?”
“It must address recycling, reusing, or waste.”
Bethany squealed. She had the same look of joy you see on people’s faces when they win a game show on TV.
Of course, Chris couldn’t resist and yelled out, “What if we recycle Bethany? We could use her as a garbage can at the front of the school, and everybody can throw their empty cans and bottles at her. She’d love that!”
He started laughing hysterically at his own joke, and some of the other kids joined him.
Before Ms. Pria could scream at him or send him to the principal’s office, Emily yelled out, “Chris, if there is anybody in this entire school who is the very definition of a garbage can it would be you. Nobody is interested in hearing your voice right now.”
Ms. Pria beamed at Emily. “Thank you, Emily. You took the words right out of my mouth. Chris, you will be spending lunchtime in detention all week.”
Chris was still looking shocked that Emily, who’d barely spoken to him since she’d started school, had just had the guts to tell him off in front of the entire class. People started giggling and laughing at Chris, although they stopped as soon as he locked his menacing eyes on theirs.
When the lunch bell rang, some of the kids went up to Emily and patted her on the back, winked, or smiled at her. I was furious. She was becoming even more popular! I was the one who usually told Chris off. Everybody looked to me to rescue them when he stepped out of line. And now here was Emily taking over!
I was throwing my books into my bag when Tanya asked me if she could pair up with me. I agreed. I was secretly hoping I’d find her a best friend and beat Emily before then, but I was willing to help her out in the meantime.
As we were walking out of the classroom I noticed Emily and Bethany approach Ms. Pria. I bent down and pretended to tie my shoelace. Emily and Bethany were whispering excitedly, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Then Ms. Pria clapped her hands and said, “What a wonderful i
dea, girls!”
I was desperate to know what was going on.
RULES FOR FRIENDSHIP FORMATIONS—TRIOS
Forming a trio must always be avoided. BUT if you are in a situation where you have NO CHOICE (it must be a serious case of no choice, equivalent to, say, “I was stuck on a desert island and had no choice but to eat a scorpion”) then here are some survival tactics.
1. Always try and sit in the middle of the trio so you can control the conversation. If you’re on the side then the others could ignore you.
2. Remember that the friendship is never equally divided. There is a pair in every trio. One person will always feel left out of the special magic between the other two.
3. Try and give equal attention to both other friends.
4. Be on the lookout for a new friend just in case you’re the one in danger of falling off.
Chapter 14
I spotted Lucy in the lunch line. I grabbed Tanya’s hand and practically dragged her along behind me.
“I’m scared, Lara,” she said, her voice all wobbly.
“There’s nothing to be scared of, Tanya. Bungee Jump Friend is the ultimate rush. It will come so naturally, you’ll see. I really can’t understand why you insist on acting so shy with everybody else. We can talk for ages. So have confidence in yourself. You actually do have something to say to people.”
I was proud of myself. My pep talks were getting better each day.
Just then we were stopped by Juanita and Nora from the sixth grade. I’d helped them out before the summer.
“Lara!” Juanita cried. “We need your help!”
“Can’t it wait?” I asked, nervously watching the lunch line getting shorter.
“No, it can’t,” Nora wailed. “We ditched Sarah, and now she’s sending us notes about how we’ve broken her heart and ruined her life. What do we do?”
I remembered the situation. It had been tricky, and I’d been reluctant to provide my services. I’d guessed from the moment they came to me that Sarah was the third wheel. But nooooo, they had insisted they were friends for life. It was a typically messy trio problem.
“I’m busy now,” I said impatiently.
“But she isn’t taking the hint. We don’t want to be friends with her anymore.”
“Then she’s better off without you!” I shrieked.
It was as though I’d slapped them in the face. Even Tanya flinched.
I grabbed Tanya’s hand and took off, trying to control my breathing as we rushed to the line.
I couldn’t let myself think about the consequences of my hysterical outburst. If Nora and Juanita blabbed to the rest of the school, my reputation as the Friendship Matchmaker who never takes sides, who listens to all parties involved, would be flushed down the toilet.
My head hurt. It had been an emotionally exhausting start to the year.
By the time we arrived at the lunch line Lucy was paying for her food. We hovered off to the side and, when she turned around with her tray in her hand, I pounced, pushing Tanya ahead of me.
Except I pushed a little too hard.
Tanya collided with Lucy, sending Lucy’s chicken potpie flying down Lucy’s shirt to land in a splattered, messy heap on the ground.
Lucy, with sauce and meat dripping down her top, looked slightly dazed and confused.
Tanya looked like she was going to burst into tears. “I’m … so sorry, Lucy,” she whispered.
“It’s not your fault, Tanya,” I said. “I pushed you. I’m the clumsy one. How about you go with Lucy to the bathroom and help her clean up? Lucy, I’ll get you another chicken potpie.”
“Um … okay …”
“You’re going …?” Tanya whispered, her eyes wide with panic.
She was frozen to the spot. How was I going to have a chance at finding her a best friend if she couldn’t even handle a situation where I was the one who looked like the idiot?
But I wasn’t giving up.
“You’ll be fine,” I said through gritted teeth. “You are a great person. Keep telling yourself that.”
Lucy was too busy flicking bits of meat off her top with a napkin to notice our whispering.
I pushed them away in the direction of the bathroom and joined the lunch line.
I wondered if Emily was having as much trouble as I was. Maybe it had been a mistake to choose one of my top five Total Loners for the challenge. There was so much at stake, and here was Tanya practically hyperventilating at the thought of talking to Lucy without me as a buffer.
To be honest I just wanted to lie down in the nurse’s office until the bell rang for us to go home.
But you don’t earn Potts County Middle School’s official Friendship Matchmaker title by being a quitter.
I waited outside the girls’ bathroom with a new chicken potpie for Lucy. I also got some red licorice, as it turns out Tanya and I both love it.
I was hoping to hear Lucy and Tanya in a flurry of conversation. If Tanya was really thinking, she could have started it all off by talking about how clumsy I was. They could have had a laugh at my expense; I wouldn’t have minded at all. They could have used me as a point of unity. Lots of friendships start out that way. They were lucky I had such an understanding, compassionate heart and that I wouldn’t have been upset by it. These are the sacrifices I am willing to make in my quest to help others.
But all I heard was a deafening silence.
I didn’t want to go inside with food, so I called out, “Tanya? Lucy? Are you there?”
Nothing.
I tried again.
“They’re not here,” said a voice. And out stepped Emily.
I almost dropped the potpie.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, which I admit was a stupid question because you don’t have to be a genius to figure out why somebody would need the bathroom.
The same thought must have crossed Emily’s mind because she ignored my question. “Lucy’s gone to the basketball courts, and I saw Tanya walk off alone toward the playground.”
I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed to me that she emphasized the word “alone.”
“Tanya seemed pretty upset. Almost crying. Is everything okay?”
“Everything is perfectly fine, thank you very much! I don’t need you snooping around just so you can find out how I’m doing with Tanya. I don’t see Bethany paired up with anybody yet. She’s still a To—”
I stopped myself just in time. Nobody, least of all Emily, needed to know about my Total Loner list.
“I don’t know why you’re acting so crazy,” Emily said. “I’m just worried about Tanya. She seemed really upset.”
“Oh, please. You’re probably happy to see her like that. Well, this competition isn’t over yet!”
I spun on my heel and stormed off before Emily had a chance to respond. What nerve she had! Gloating like that while Tanya was upset somewhere and Lucy was walking around smelling like meat and gravy.
I raced to the basketball courts and found Lucy. “Here’s a new chicken potpie,” I said. “Sorry again. Remember, it was all my fault, not Tanya’s. I’m sure you can both still be good friends.”
“She’s weird,” Lucy said, taking a bite out of the pie. With her mouth full, she continued, “I joked that you must have two left feet, but she got all defensive and said she was the one who’d lost her balance. Then she just left. Said she wanted to see her little brother. Thanks for the pie!”
How could I work my magic when Tanya was sabotaging my efforts to help her? She was her own worst enemy! I couldn’t understand what the problem was. Lucy was now definitely off the list as potential BF material. That left only Stephanie, the talkaholic.
I walked over to the elementary school playground and saw Tanya in the sandbox with her brother. The bell rang and they hugged forever and then blew each other kisses.
Chris could have a field day with this display of affection! It’s not like they weren’t going to see each other right after school. I sighed. Tanya was a mo
re troublesome case than I’d first thought.
When I asked Tanya what happened, she shrugged and said she didn’t want to talk about it. Then she was silent again until the bell rang to go home.
Chapter 15
One of the biggest sacrifices I have had to make as the official Friendship Matchmaker is not having my own friends. Like I said, with my busy schedule at school helping others, I am a Loner by Choice.
But that doesn’t make weekends very much fun.
It was a really hot Saturday. In an ideal world—not that I was dreaming, not that I was giving much thought to this—my best friend would be over and we’d be swimming in my pool, tossing the beach ball. Mom would yell at us to come and eat lunch, and we’d wrap ourselves in our towels and sit on the trampoline eating our hot dogs with extra ketchup and sharing a greasy plate of homemade french fries with heaps of salt. Then we’d jump back in the pool, ignoring Mom’s twenty-minute rule, and swim until our skin was all crinkly and we’d had enough.
Not that I was dreaming.
Instead, I was swimming alone.
My sister, Tara, thought she was too cool to hang out with me and was at the local pool swimming with her friends. Mom and Dad had yelled at her for being selfish, but she’d just yelled right back. “You’re the ones who came up with the bright idea of a five-and-a-half-year age difference. I’m not the selfish one.”
That had gotten Mom started about work commitments and late nights up dealing with colic and how hard it had all been. So I ended up hanging out in the pool wondering whether I was an accident and what I could steal from Tara’s room as punishment for leaving me behind while she had fun with her friends.
Then the phone rang and Dad yelled out that it was for me.