She tiptoed to the door and beckoned him in. She pulled another chair to the window, a finger on her lips.
“She needs her sleep, don’t wake her,” she said. “It’s Lena.”
“I know.”
They sat in silence. He had brought her a box of chocolate sweets that were only on sale north of the border. Things always seemed more exotic when you couldn’t get them here. He stroked her hand.
“Was the trip okay?” she asked.
“Tiring,” he said. “And the wedding?”
“Uneventful,” she said.
“That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?” He looked at her, she could see his face in the street light.
She nodded. “I’ll tell you sometime. I swear.”
“So do you want me to go now?” he asked.
Never had she seen such disappointment on a face. He had driven in the cold and rain all the way back and she was going to ask him to leave because of Lena, an unexplained woman in the bed.
“No, I’ll write her a note, tell her we’ve gone to the Chinese, if that suits you?”
“I was thinking about sweet-and-sour pork since Drogheda,” he said.
“If she wakens up she might join us. But she’ll know I’m coming back…”
“Can you see to write?” He stroked her hair as she bent over the table to write the note.
Lena, you were sleeping so peacefully I didn’t want to wake you. It’s eight-fifteen now, Stevie and I have gone to the Chinese restaurant. I’ve left its little card to show you where it is. Please come and join us there. If not, I’ll be back by midnight and will sleep on the cushions…but I truly truly would love you to come and follow us there.
Love always, Kit.
Then they left the room on tiptoe, pulling the door behind them.
Lena sat up when they were gone. She read the note and stood at the window watching them walk along the road, arms draped around each other. She had learned that this boy did care for Kit, and cared a great deal. She agreed that he knew nothing of her circumstances, only that she was an unexplained friend, Lena from London.
And she also felt that he had every characteristic of Louis Gray. When he loved he would mean it at the time. But the time would not last very long in any given place. If only she could protect her girl from this.
Kit came back alone. She read the note.
I did wake up, but forgive me, I literally didn’t have the energy to come out and join you. I had some biscuits here and now I’m going back to sleep. Bless you, dearest Kit, and see you in the morning.
Kit lay on the cushion and rugs on the floor. She felt certain that her mother’s breathing was too even somehow. It didn’t sound like the breath of a woman getting her first deep sleep in weeks.
“Let me take you round Dublin,” Kit offered.
“No, I’d better go back to London. The holiday is over.”
Kit hated the way she grimaced when she said the word “holiday.” She decided she would grasp it. “Not much of a holiday, Brighton on your own, two quick visits here.”
“No, well. I’ll organize it better another time.”
“I wish you’d meet Stevie. I want you to.”
“No.”
“You think he’s unreliable.”
“He was only a child when I left, I rely on you for a definition of how he is.”
“I’ve told you everything about him, every single thing…if you’re going to get so buttoned up on me and purse-lipped I’ll have to stop telling you things.”
“I think you’re just on the verge of stopping telling me things about him.”
“You mean that we’re going to be lovers?”
“Believe me, I’m not criticizing,” Lena said.
“So why don’t you approve?”
“I think he’ll break your heart.”
“So? It’ll mend again.”
“If they’re badly broken they don’t.”
“Lena, I know you see…well, let’s say some similarities…”
“If you see them then is it possible they might be there?”
“No, it’s not.” Kit’s chin stuck out defensively.
Lena pleaded with her. “I know what’s going through your head…you’re going to say if only Lena had met Stevie a few months ago…suppose all this had happened when Louis was around…then she would have approved, understood, said you must follow your star.”
“And so you would,” Kit cried.
“I might not. I told you that it had been worth it. I mean, what would have been the point of anything if I hadn’t believed I did the right thing. It would have meant I messed everyone’s life up for nothing, which is what I did. Everyone, all because of me.”
“No, that’s not so.” Kit was gentle.
“It is. I look around me and I see it.”
“But Father’s all right, and Maura. And Emmet is happy, and I’m in love. And you and Louis…well, what you had was very bright, you told me that once…that it was better to burn brightly…it was very good…”
Lena looked very lost. “In a way you’re saying I didn’t mess up people’s lives, that everyone survived fine, including Louis. Only my own. I destroyed my own as surely as if I had drowned that day.”
“I certainly did not say that. Stop putting words in my mouth…I’m just saying don’t feel so guilty. You’ve always been good for people, helping them, giving…not destructive.”
“If you hadn’t been there…”
Kit would not allow them down this road. “Tell me, what did you love most about Louis?”
“His face lighting up to see me, it was as if someone had turned on a switch…”
It was a funny phrase, Kit thought, especially when she had seen through Louis at his wedding ceremony, an actor reading lines. Of course he could turn on a switch. “And what was worst about him?”
“The way he thought I believed his lies. It made us both so stupid.”
“And why do you think it didn’t last? What you and he had?” She was gentle but probing, she felt Lena wanted to answer. To think it out.
“I don’t know…” Lena said thoughtfully. “You tell me, what do you think it was?”
“Maybe it was about not having children. If you had ever been pregnant…”
“I was,” Lena said. “I was more pregnant than Mary Paula O’Connor. That’s why I left you and Emmet and Lough Glass and Ireland. Of course I was pregnant.”
“And what happened?” Kit asked.
“I lost the baby. I lost it all over the train from Brighton and all over Victoria Station and in Earl’s Court. That’s where our baby is. Louis’s and my child.”
Kit held her hand. “And could you not have…did you never try…?”
“He didn’t want a child. He didn’t want a child until I was too old to have one, but by then he wanted one with someone else.” Her mouth was in a hard white line.
Kit McMahon felt more troubled than she had ever been in her life.
They didn’t speak of what had brought her to Dublin. Of what she might have done if Kit had not rescued her and taken her away in the nick of time. There would be another day when that could be talked about.
Lena was getting stronger by the hour. She was like a plant that needed water. Something was giving her back energy and hope and purpose. She was rapidly becoming the old Lena, full of plans and moving quickly. She had run to a phone box and found the times of planes. She had telephoned Ivy. To say she’d be back that night. And Jessie Millar to say she’d be at work next day.
“I’ll come to the airport with you,” Kit said.
“No, we could meet a dozen more people we know.”
“I don’t care. I’m coming.”
“What about Stevie? Suppose he turns up here?”
“I’ll leave a note on the door for him.”
Lena looked at her thoughtfully. “He doesn’t have a key?”
“You know he doesn’t.”
“Yes, I only meant maybe he shou
ld have.”
“But I thought you said…”
“I know you love him.” For Lena it was simple. Love was something that happened, you had no control of it. It took over.
Kit was bewildered. “But what about everything you told me of all that happened to you, and how you didn’t want it to happen again?”
“It’s too late.” Lena was matter-of-fact. “The only thing you must learn from me is not to take the safe option. Not to run away and marry a good, kind man just because he is good and kind. That’s not the solution.”
Kit thought of Philip. “I don’t think I’d do that,” she said slowly.
“You mightn’t now, but if you were lonely you might. And it would be very wrong, well, you can see how much hurt and wrong came out of it.”
Kit went back to what she had said earlier. “You think I should give Stevie a key to…here?”
“I think you should ask yourself why you are putting off something you want so much.” They looked at each other in amazement. “The only mother in Ireland today taking this side in the age-old argument…” Lena said, and they collapsed in laughter. Whatever madness had taken Lena over seemed to have gone, or to have been replaced with a different one.
Stevie knocked at the door. “I’ll only stay a moment,” he said.
“Come in and meet Lena…” Kit opened the door.
“How do you do.” She shook his hand firmly. “I’m very sorry for messing all your plans up this weekend. Kit has been very good to me.”
“No, heavens no.” His smile was warm. He was not awkward or ill at ease, which was remarkable, Lena thought, when he was in the middle of a situation he didn’t even begin to understand.
“Anyway the good news is that I’m off to the airport now. I’m trying to persuade Kit not to come…so you’re the ideal excuse. Perhaps we could all walk down to Busaras where I could catch the airport bus.”
Before Kit could speak Stevie said: “I have a car at the door. It would be my pleasure to drive you out there and I’ll sort of circle a bit while you say good-bye.”
Lena accepted. Stevie looked around for her suitcase but didn’t seem put out when he realized there wasn’t one. Lena sat in the front of the car and Kit leaned on the back of the seat between them.
She pointed out landmarks. “I can’t remember, was Liberty Hall there in your time?”
“Not in my time as such.”
“Look, do you see this house on the corner? Frankie’s grandfather lives there. He’s as rich as anything and all the family keep calling on him and asking about his health. Imagine!”
“Does Frankie call on him?” Lena inquired.
“No, she’s got more sense.”
“He’ll probably leave her everything just to spite them,” Stevie said.
Lena looked at him with interest. Louis would have said that there was no harm in being nice to the old fellow, and you never knew the day nor the hour. She would have thought that Stevie Sullivan would have gone that route also.
He talked about things that could cause no friction. He asked her nothing about where she had come from or why she was here. Instead he told her about planes and how he’d love to fly one. It must be great to soar up there and swoop and have miles of sky at your disposal, not just a straight road.
He had never been on a plane, as it turned out. “Real country hick, Lena,” he said with a grin. It was hard to believe that the son of dreary Kathleen Sullivan and her insane, drunken husband could turn out like this. Handsome and confident, but not pushy.
Her fingers tightened on her handbag. She knew that her daughter had lost her soul to this man. Nothing she could say in terms of warning would do any good. All she could do now was hope and pray.
He was as good as his word about circling around. He said his good-byes as he dropped her off. “Come back and see us sometime,” he said, all warmth and invitation.
Lena responded in the same way. “Or you two come over and see me. At least it would get you on a plane.”
Kit looked at her in delight. Stevie had been accepted. She could see that. Lena really did like him. She was overjoyed. As soon as he was out of hearing she clutched Lena’s arm. “I knew you’d like him,” she said excitedly.
“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t like him?” Lena said.
She got out her wallet and paid for her ticket. She must have bought no return flight. What had she intended to do in Ireland, or had she not thought at all? She looked perfectly well now.
Kit walked to the departure gate with her.
“Soon, very soon, you’ll come?” Lena’s eyes looked deep into hers.
“Yes, as soon as you’re settled in again. Of course I’ll come.”
“Thank you, Kit. Thank you for everything.”
Kit didn’t know what she was being thanked for. She had no idea what she had prevented. She was too choked to say good-bye so she just clung on to Lena for a long time and then ran back to the exit.
In the car she blew her nose loudly. “Now, that’s better,” Stevie said approvingly, as if he were talking to a toddler.
“It was very kind of you to drive her out.”
“Nonsense.”
“And thanks too for not asking and everything. Sometime I’ll tell you, but it’s too complicated.”
“Sure. Would you like to go up the mountains?”
“Where?”
“You know, out in the Wicklow mountains. We could just go where you’d see no houses or people or anything, sort of empty your mind a bit.”
“That would be lovely.”
They sat companionably, saying nothing but feeling no need of chat until they were beyond Glendalough, up in the Wicklow Gap. Then they parked the car and walked in the cold, clear air past the gorse bushes and over the springy turf and rocky crags.
Stevie was right, it was as if the whole population had left. There was nothing to look at except what had been there when the earth began, trees and mountains and a river.
Kit felt her mind emptying. She took deep, long breaths. They sat on a great big rock like a shelf and looked down at the valley below.
“It’s a very long story,” she began.
“She’s your mother,” Stevie said.
IVY was overjoyed to see her.
“Come upstairs at once and see your new wallpaper,” she said.
The room looked totally different. Pink and white stripes from ceiling down to floor. A little stool at the dressing table covered with matching material. The position of the bed had been changed slightly and there was a pink eiderdown with a trim of the striped fabric.
“It’s beautiful, it’s utterly gorgeous,” Lena cried.
She could see the hours of time and work invested in this by Ivy. She could never thank her. But she knew that for Ivy to see her well again was reward enough.
“At least it’s different,” Ivy said gruffly.
“It’s very different. It doesn’t look like the same place.”
“That’s what I hoped.” Ivy was grim.
“No, it’s all right. I’m fine now, I promise.”
“What were you doing in Ireland, then?” Ivy wanted to know.
“I just went and saw it happen, saw with my own eyes that he married someone else. Now it’s over.”
“You went to the wedding?”
“Just in the church, not as a guest…” She laughed lightly.
“You amaze me,” Ivy said.
“And do you want to talk about it or about him, or is it better if we don’t?”
“I think it’s better not. That way I get on with my life.”
Ivy seemed pleased. “I’m sure that’s the right way,” she said. “Now, I suppose this means you might be able to eat again. Because I’ve got some steaks for the three of us.”
“A big rare steak…that’s exactly what I was hoping you’d have,” Lena said.
Ivy trotted happily downstairs to tell Ernest that Lena was cured.
“Ah, women get over these
things,” he said with the air of a man who understood the world.
Lena stood alone in the room where she had lived with Louis. She would speak of him no more, she would talk of him to nobody. But most of all she would think about him as little as was humanly possible.
She had seen him marry another woman. He had gone from her life. She was glad she had seen that, and been to the wedding. It finalized everything somehow.
It was a bit of a blur how she had got there and what she had intended to do. But that didn’t matter, she had been and seen it. She had been so close to Kit and seen how she loved Stevie. Once this had frightened her. But now she felt there was no point in trying to fight it. It was just inevitable.
At work they were so pleased to see Mrs. Gray back. There had been a few problems, naturally they hadn’t wanted to interrupt her on her sick leave, but it was great to see her back.
“The Christmas party wasn’t the same without you,” they said.
“The Christmas party!” How long ago that seemed now. She had forgotten she hadn’t been there. “Oh, I’m sure you managed,” she said.
“Not all that well. There was no spirit in it somehow…Did you have a nice Christmas or were you still poorly?”
“I was still poorly, but thank heavens I’m better now.” Her smile was bright, her air was busy and let’s-get-down-to-work. “I’ll be having a meeting tomorrow, when I’ve caught up with everything. I am so sorry for leaving you all in the lurch but these things happen…so I’ll want you to let me know by the end of today any areas in your control where you feel any anxiety.”
Millar’s gave a collective sigh of relief. Mrs. Gray was back, all was well.
“James?”
“Is that you, Lena?”
“Yes, I was wondering if you were free for lunch any day?”
“Any day is exactly when I’m free. Today, tomorrow, every day in the year.”
“Very gallant indeed, James. Could we say tomorrow, same place as last time, one o’clock?”
“I’m looking forward to it very much,” he said.
Lena went through the papers, she saw where opportunities had been missed, contracts lost, unsuitable people given too much time. The normal monthly search through papers and publications trawling for possibilities had been poorly done. Even the office did not look quite as smart as usual. They were only small things but she noticed them.