Sam had gotten used to the double-takes, the surprised looks when strangers realized that the gray-haired old woman in the back of the classroom, buying wine at the supermarket, walking through the park, was actually a young girl.
Though admittedly, that wasn’t happening nearly as much lately. Sam’s husband had warned her that one day, her face would finally catch up to her hair.
The elevator doors slid open.
The sun was winking through the floor-to-ceiling windows that lined her apartment. Down below, the Financial District was wide awake, car horns and cranes and the usual din of activity muffled behind the triple-paned glazing.
Sam walked to the kitchen, turning off lights as she went. She exchanged her goggles for her glasses. She put out food for the cat. She filled the kettle. She prepared her tea infuser, mug and spoon, but before boiling the water, she went to the yoga mat in her living room.
She took off her glasses. She ran through a series of stretches to keep her muscles limber. She ended up on the mat, legs crossed. She rested the backs of her hands on her knees. She touched her middle fingers to her thumbs in a light pinch. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and considered her brain.
Several years after she had been shot, a psychiatrist had shown Sam a homunculus of the motor areas of her brain. The man had wanted her to see the path the bullet had traveled so that Sam could understand the structures that had been damaged. He wanted her to think about those structures at least once a day, to spend as much time as she could muster in contemplating the individual folds and crevices, and to visualize her brain and body working in perfect tandem as they had before.
Sam had resisted. The exercise seemed some part wishful thinking, most part voodoo.
Now, it was the only thing that kept her headaches at bay, her equilibrium in check.
Sam had consequently done more in-depth research of the brain, seen MRIs and studied dense neurological tomes, but that first drawing had never been replaced as a guide through her meditation. In her mind’s eye, the cross-sections of the left motor and sensory cortices were forever highlighted in bright yellow and green. Each section was labeled with the correspondingly influenced anatomy. Toes. Ankle. Knee. Hip. Trunk. Arm. Wrist. Fingers.
Sam felt an analogous tingle in the different areas of her body as she silently examined the factions that made up the whole.
The bullet had entered her skull on the left, just above her ear. The left side of the brain controls the right, the right side the left. In medical terms, the injury was considered to have taken place in a more superficial portion of the brain. Sam had always found the word superficial misleading. True, the projectile had not crossed the midbrain or lodged deep into the limbic system, but Broca’s Area, where speech takes place, Wernicke’s Area, where speech is understood, and the various regions that controlled movement on the right side of her body, had been inexorably altered.
Superficial— [soo-per-fish-uh-l] of or relating to the surface, frivolous, cursory, apparent rather than real.
There was a metal plate in her head. The scar over her ear was the size and width of her index finger.
Sam’s memory of that day remained fragmented. She was certain of only a few things. She remembered the mess that Charlie had made in the bathroom. She remembered the Culpepper brothers, the smell of them, the almost tangible taste of their menace. She did not remember witnessing Gamma’s death. She did not remember what steps she took to crawl out of the grave. She remembered Charlie urinating on herself. She remembered yelling at Zachariah Culpepper. She remembered her raw, aching need that Charlie should run, that she should be safe, that she should live no matter the cost to Sam.
Physical therapy. Occupational therapy. Speech therapy. Cognitive therapy. Talk therapy. Aqua therapy. Sam had to learn how to talk again. To think again. To make connections again. To converse. To write. To read. To comprehend. To dress herself. To accept what had happened to her. To acknowledge that things were different. To learn how to study again. To return to school again. To articulate her thought processes again. To understand rhetoric and logic and motion, function and form.
Sam often compared her first year of recovery to a record on an old turntable. She awoke at the hospital with everything playing at the wrong speed. Her words slurred. Her thoughts moved as if through cake batter. Working her way back to 33 1/3rd seemed impossible. No one believed she could do it. Her age, they all felt, could be the magic component. As one of her surgeons had told her, if you were going to be shot in the head, it was good to have it happen when you were fifteen years old.
Sam felt a nudge at her arm. Count Fosco, the cat, was finished with breakfast and wanted attention. She scratched his ears, listening to his soothing purr, and wondered if she was better off forgoing the meditation and simply adopting more cats.
She put on her glasses. She went back to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. The sun was tilting across the lower end of Manhattan. She closed her eyes and let the warmth bathe her. When she opened her eyes again, she saw that Fosco was doing the same. He seemed to love the radiant heat under the kitchen floor. Sam couldn’t get used to the sudden feeling of warmth on her bare feet when she woke in the morning. The new apartment had modern bells and whistles that her last apartment had not.
Which was the reason for the new apartment—that nothing about it reminded her of the old.
The kettle whistled. She poured her mug of tea. She set the egg timer to three and a half minutes in order for the leaves to steep. She got yogurt from the fridge and mixed in granola with a spoon from the drawer. She took off her regular glasses and put on her reading glasses; her eyes had never been able to adjust to multifocal lenses.
Sam turned on her phone.
There were several work emails, a few birthday greetings from friends, but Sam scrolled down until she found the expected birthday missive from Ben Bernard, her sister’s husband. They had met once a very long time ago. The two would probably not recognize each other in the street, but Ben had an endearing sense of responsibility toward Charlie, that he would do for his wife what she could not herself.
Sam smiled at Ben’s message, a photo of Mr. Spock giving a Vulcan salute, with the words: Logic dictates that I should wish you a happy birthday.
Sam had only once returned an email from Ben, on 9/11, to let him know that she was safe.
The egg timer buzzed. She poured some milk into her hot tea, then sat back at the counter.
Sam pulled a notepad and pen from her briefcase. She tackled the work emails, answering some, forwarding others, making follow-up notes, and worked until her tea was cold and the yogurt and granola were gone.
Fosco jumped onto the counter to inspect the bowl.
Sam looked at the time. She should take her shower and go into the office.
She looked down at her phone. She tapped her fingers on the counter.
She swiped over to the screen for voicemails.
Another anticipated birthday missive.
Sam had not seen her father face to face in over twenty years. They had stopped talking when Sam was in law school. There had been no argument or official break between them, but one day, Sam was the good daughter who called her father once or twice a month, and the next day, she was not.
Initially, Rusty had tried to reach out to her, and when Sam did not reach back, he had started calling during her class hours to leave phone messages at her dorm. He wasn’t overly intrusive. If Sam happened to be in, he did not ask to speak with her. He never asked her to call him back. The relayed messages said that he was there if she needed him, or that he had been thinking about her, or he had thought to check in. During the ensuing years, he had called reliably on the second Friday of every month and on her birthday.
When Sam had moved to Portland to work in the district attorney’s office, he had left messages at her office on the second Friday of every month and on her birthday.
When she had moved to New York to start her career in patent l
aw, he had left messages at her office on the second Friday of every month and on her birthday.
Then there was suddenly such a thing as mobile phones, and on the second Friday of every month and on her birthday, Rusty had left voicemails on Sam’s flip phone, then her Razr, then her Nokia, then her BlackBerry, and now it was her iPhone that told Sam that her father had called at 5:32 this morning, on her birthday.
Sam could predict the pattern of his call if not the exact content. Rusty had developed a peculiar formula over the years. He would start with the usual ebullient greeting, render a weather report because, for unknowable reasons, he felt the weather in Pikeville mattered, then he would add a strange detail about the occasion of his call—the day of her birth, that particular second Friday on which he was reaching out—and then a non sequitur in lieu of a farewell.
There had been a time when Sam scowled at Rusty’s name on a pink while-you-were-away message, deleted his voicemails without a second thought, or delayed listening to them for so long that they rolled off the system.
Now, she played the message.
“Good morning, Sammy-Sam!” her father bellowed. “This is Russell T. Quinn, at your service. It is currently forty-three degrees, with winds coming out of the southwest at two miles per hour. Humidity is at thirty-nine percent. Barometric pressure is holding at thirty.” Sam shook her head in bewilderment. “I am calling you today, the very same day that, in 1536, Anne Boleyn was arrested and taken to the Tower of London, to remind you, my dear Samantha, to not lose your head on your forty-fourth birthday.” He laughed, because he always laughed at his own cleverness. Sam waited for the sign-off. “‘Exit, pursued by a bear.’”
Sam smiled. She was about to delete the voicemail when, uncharacteristically, Rusty added something new.
“Your sister sends her love.”
Sam felt her brow furrow. She scrubbed back the voicemail to listen to the last part again.
“… a bear,” Rusty said, then after a short pause, “Your sister sends her love.”
Sam doubted very seriously that Charlie had sent any such thing.
The last time she’d talked to Charlie—the last time she had even been in the same room with her—there had been a definite and immediate ending to their relationship, an understanding that there was neither the need nor the desire for either of them to talk to each other ever again.
Charlie had been in her last year at Duke. She had flown to New York to visit Sam and to interview at several white shoe firms. Sam realized at the time that her sister was not visiting her so much as treating Sam’s apartment as a free place to stay in one of the most expensive cities on earth, but almost a decade had passed since she’d seen her little sister, and Sam had been looking forward to the two of them reacquainting as adults.
The first shock of the trip was not that Charlie had brought a strange man with her, but that the strange man was her husband. Charlie had dated Ben Bernard for less than a month before legally binding herself to someone about whom she knew absolutely nothing. The decision was irresponsible and dangerous, and but for the fact that Ben was one of the most kind, most decent human beings on the planet—not to mention that he was clearly head over heels in love with Charlie—Sam would have been livid with her sister for such a stupid, impetuous act.
The second shock was that Charlie had canceled all of her interviews. She had taken the money Sam had sent to buy proper business attire and instead used it to purchase tickets to see Prince at Madison Square Garden.
This brought about the third, most fatal shock.
Charlie was planning to work with Rusty.
She had insisted that she would only be in the same building with their father, not involved in Rusty’s actual practice, but to Sam, the distinction held no difference.
Rusty took risks at work that followed him home. The people who were in his office, in the office that Charlie would soon share, were the kinds of people who burned down your house, who went to your home looking for you, and when they found out you weren’t there, murdered your mother and shot your sister and chased you through the woods with a shotgun because they wanted to rape you.
The final altercation between Sam and Charlie had not taken place immediately. They had argued in fits and starts for three long days in Charlie’s planned five-day visit.
Then on the fourth day, Sam had finally exploded.
She had always had a slow-boiling temper. It’s what had made her lash out at Zachariah Culpepper in the kitchen while her mother was lying dead a few feet away, her sister was covered in urine, and a blood-smeared shotgun was pointed directly at her face.
Subsequent to her brain injury, Sam’s temper had become almost unmanageable. There were countless studies that showed how certain types of damage to the frontal and temporal lobes could lead to impulsive, even violent, anger, but the ferocity of Sam’s rage beggared scientific explanation.
She had never hit anyone, which was a piteous victory, but she threw things, broke things, attacked even cherished objects as if she were ruled by insanity. The physical acts of destruction paled in comparison to the damage rendered by her sharp tongue. The fury would take hold, Sam’s mouth would open, and hate would spew like acid.
Now, the meditation helped smooth out her emotions.
The laps in the pool helped re-direct her anxiety into something positive.
Back then, nothing had been able to stop Sam’s venomous rage.
Charlie was spoiled. She was selfish. She was a child. She was a whore. She wanted to please her father too much. She had never loved Gamma. She had never loved Sam. She was the reason they had all been in the kitchen. She was the reason Gamma had been murdered. She had left Sam to die. She had run away then, just like she was going to run away now.
That last part, at least, had proven to be true.
Charlie and Ben had returned to Durham in the middle of the night. They had not even stopped to pack their few belongings.
Sam had apologized. Of course she had apologized. Students didn’t have voicemail or email back then, so Sam had sent a certified letter to Charlie’s off-campus apartment along with the carefully packed box of things they had left in New York.
Writing the letter was without question the hardest thing that Sam had ever done in her life. She had told her sister that she loved her, had always loved her, that she was special, that their relationship meant something. That Gamma had adored her, had cherished her. That Sam understood that Rusty needed Charlie. That Charlie needed to be needed by their father. That Charlie deserved to be happy, to enjoy her marriage, to have children—lots of children. That she was old enough to make her own decisions. That everyone was so proud of her, happy for her. That Sam would do anything if Charlie would forgive her.
“Please,” Sam had written at the end of the letter. “You have to believe me. The only thing that got me through months of agony, years of recovery, a lifetime of chronic pain, is the fact that my sacrifice, and even Gamma’s sacrifice, gave you the chance to run to safety.”
Six weeks had passed before Sam had received a letter in return.
Charlie’s response had been a single, honest, compound complex sentence. “I love you, I know that you love me, but every time we see each other, we see what happened, and neither one of us will ever move forward if we are always looking back.”
Her little sister was a lot smarter than Sam had ever given her credit for.
Sam took off her glasses. She gently rubbed her eyes. The scars on her eyelids felt like Braille beneath her fingertips. For all of her complaints about superficial, she worked very hard to mask her injuries. Not because she was embarrassed, but because other people were curious. There was no more effective conversation stopper than the words, “I was shot in the head.”
Make-up covered the pink ridges where her eyelids had been torn. A three-hundred-dollar haircut covered the scar on the side of her head. She tended to dress in flowy black pants and shirts to help camouflage any hesitation in
her gait. When she spoke, she spoke clearly, and when exhaustion threatened to loosen her hold on language, she kept her own counsel. There were days that Sam needed a cane to walk, but over the years, she had learned that the only reward for physical hard work was more physical hard work. If she was late at the office and she wanted a car to take her the six blocks home, she took the car.
Today, she walked the six blocks to work with relative ease. In honor of her birthday, she’d worn a colorful scarf to brighten up her usual black. As she took a left onto Wall Street, a strong gust of wind barreled off the East River. The scarf flew behind her like a cape. Sam laughed as she tangled with the silk scarf. She wrapped it around her neck and held loosely onto the ends as she walked through her new neighborhood.
Sam had not been a resident of the area for long, but she had always loved the history, that Wall Street had been, in fact, an earthen wall meant to secure the northern boundary of New Amsterdam; that Pearl Street and Beaver Street and Stone Street were named after the wares that Dutch traders sold along the muddy lanes that spoked out from where tall, wooden sailing boats had once docked.
Seventeen years ago, when Sam had first moved to New York, she’d had her choice of law firms. In the world of patent law, her Stanford master’s in mechanical engineering carried significantly more weight than her master’s from Northwestern Law. Sam had passed both the New York bar and the patent bar on her first attempts. She was a woman in a male-dominated field that desperately needed diversity. The firms’ proffers had practically been extended on bended knee.
She had joined the first firm whose signing bonus was enough to cover the down payment on a condo in a building with an elevator and a heated pool.
The building was in Chelsea, a lovely pre-war mid-rise with high ceilings and a swimming pool in the basement that looked like a Victorian-era natatorium. Despite the rapid improvement of Sam’s finances over the years, she had happily lived in the cramped, two-bedroom apartment until her husband had died.