I forced my gaze back to my iPad and started a new post on the support group.
I’m in a coffee shop, I typed, and a little girl just walked in with a man (her father?) and even though she doesn’t look like C., I thought it might be her. Guess I’m in crazy-grieving-mom mode right now! I hit Send. I knew I’d get responses within a few minutes, and I could even predict what they would be. Other parents would relate similar experiences. Similar feelings. And I would feel less crazy. Less alone.
I looked up. The man and little girl were walking toward my small circle of furniture. The man sat down on the sofa and the girl climbed up next to him. He smiled at me and she tipped her head back a little to look at me from beneath her long bangs. Her eyes were huge and gray. The same gray as his, only his were fringed with thick black lashes. He was handsome, though tired-looking, and the little girl was equally pretty beneath her messy hair. Father and daughter, most definitely.
“How’re you doin’?” He slid the canvas bag from his shoulder and rested it on the sofa next to him. “Is it always this quiet in here?”
I could barely breathe. I felt the way I had when I first saw a horse as a child. I’d been both fascinated and afraid, longing to move closer but afraid it might hurt me. If I looked at this little girl too long, I was afraid of how I’d feel, so I only brushed my gaze over her as I responded.
“It’s busy earlier in the morning,” I said, “and it’ll pick up again around lunchtime.”
I looked down at my iPad. No response yet to my post to the Harley’s Dad group.
“We’re new in town,” the man said. “I’m Travis and this is Bella.”
“I’m Erin.” I should have just said I was working. Tuned him out the way I tuned out the other people in the shop. Even Nando rarely tried to talk to me now beyond a “good morning,” and I guessed he thought I was pretty cold. But the little girl—Bella—felt like a magnet to me, and try as I might not to look at her, my gaze kept drifting in her direction. She had me mesmerized by those big gray eyes. “She’s your daughter?” I asked.
“Yes, ma’am.” He broke the muffin he’d bought into two parts, rested each half on a napkin, and handed one of them to Bella. She was almost dainty as she lifted the muffin to her mouth and took a bite from the corner.
I waited until she swallowed, then leaned forward in my chair. “How old are you, Bella?” I smiled at her and the smile felt anemic and shaky.
She didn’t answer. Shyly, she leaned closer to her father’s arm. The skin beneath her nose was a little red, the way Carolyn’s would get during allergy season.
“Answer Miss Erin,” the man said to her. “Tell her how old you are.”
Bella held up four fingers, a fat crumb from the muffin stuck to one of them. “Four,” she said. She noticed the crumb and nibbled it from her hand. Carolyn would have been four now, if she’d lived. Bella was a little small for four. Thin and waiflike.
“She just turned four a couple of weeks ago,” Travis said. Except for dark circles around his eyes, he was a very good-looking guy. If I’d been ten years younger, single and not completely miserable, I would have been captivated by him. Instead I was captivated by his daughter. “We didn’t have much of a party,” Travis added. “Things were a little rocky. So we’re going to celebrate when she turns four and a half, aren’t we, Bella?”
Bella looked up at him and gave a nod. I wished she would smile. She didn’t look like a very happy child.
“She’s sleepy,” Travis said. “We had a long drive yesterday and didn’t sleep too well last night.”
“Where did you move from?” I asked.
“Carolina Beach,” he said. “No work there, so we had no choice but to come to Raleigh.” He screwed up his face and I knew he wasn’t happy about the move. “I have a job lined up here, though. I interview with the guy tomorrow.”
“I hope you get it,” I said.
“Oh, it’s sewn up. The interview’s just a formality. A mutual friend hooked me up with him.” He handed Bella the cup of water he’d set on the coffee table. “Do you have kids?” he asked me.
I shook my head. I felt Carolyn in the air around me, hurt and betrayed.
“Then you probably don’t know where I can find child care for when I start working, huh?”
I shook my head again. It was the truth. I didn’t know the child care options in the Brier Creek area. “Your wife’s not with you?” I asked.
“No wife,” he said. He pulled a tissue from his pants pocket and blotted Bella’s nose in a way that told me he’d done it hundreds of times before. “It’s just me and Bella,” he said.
Had there been a wife? I wondered. Were they divorced? Did she die?
“So, is it nice around here?” he asked. “Bella and I are used to the beach, aren’t we, Bell? We’re not used to all the trees and the big buildings.”
“It’s nice,” I said. I was thinking of the fun places we used to take Carolyn. Monkey Joe’s and the kids’ museum and Pullen Park, but I couldn’t talk about them. I couldn’t let the image of Carolyn riding the train at Pullen Park into my head right then. “I hope the job’s a good one.”
“Me too,” he said. “We need a break.”
Yes, that’s how he looked. How both of them looked—like they’d been to hell and back and needed a break.
“Excuse me, Miss Erin,” Travis said, “but it’s story time.” He pulled a picture book from the canvas bag. The Cat in the Hat. Michael and I had read every Dr. Seuss book to Carolyn too many times to count. I had the feeling Travis had read it to Bella many times, too, because the book jacket was ragged-looking and slipping off. I watched Bella climb onto his lap as he opened the book. I remembered how it felt to hold a little girl in my arms that way. How it felt to have her lean back against me while I read. I felt the injustice of it all over again. I wanted my baby back.
I lowered my eyes to my iPad, glad Travis’s attention was on the book and not me, because whatever was in my face wasn’t meant for anyone to see. The screen of my iPad blurred in front of me and I had to blink a few times before I could read the first response to my post.
Carolyn’s always with you, Harley’s dad had written. She’s in that little girl and in the little girl’s father and in the air that you breathe. Remember that.
Yes, I thought. I looked over at Bella and Travis where they sat together, absorbed in the book, and I felt Carolyn slip over all three of us like a veil of warm air.
16
Travis
Raleigh
It was chilly when I woke up in the van the next morning, but Bella slept on, looking warm in the sleeping bag I’d snuggled her into. It was nearly October and we weren’t going to be able to live in the van for long. We were parked in the Target parking lot where I was supposed to meet Roy at one, and I couldn’t wait to get this show on the road. The lot actually made a good spot for our temporary home. It was part of a massive shopping center and we didn’t stand out. I felt good and anonymous.
I checked the prepaid cell phone I’d picked up in the Target the evening before. I’d only used it once so far—to call Roy and arrange the time to meet. Roy had been in a rush, so I didn’t get to ask him anything about the job, but he said Savannah had told him I was a jack-of-all-trades and that was cool. I said, “Yeah, I guess I am,” but I was getting nervous. What trades were we talking about? I wasn’t licensed to do electrical work, though I could handle plumbing okay. I’d have to fake the other stuff. I hoped Savannah hadn’t built me up to be something I wasn’t.
I’d wanted to ask Roy if he knew someone who could watch Bella, but I could tell by how rushed he’d sounded that I’d have to hold off on that. It wasn’t the time for a long conversation.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” I gave Bella a nudge and her eyes popped open. She’d always been a pretty good sleeper, though she had nightmares after the fire and had wet the bed a few times at Franny’s, which hadn’t gone over all that great. But usually she slept well and woke up pe
rky. Not like me. I needed my coffee.
I looked across the parking lot at that little coffee shop. It was really too expensive, but it had that comfortable furniture that we’d never find at a doughnut shop or whatever, plus it was right there next to us so we didn’t have to use up gas. We’d brushed our teeth and washed our faces in the men’s room last night and filled our bottles with drinking water. We could do the same this morning, as long as we bought something. Bella and I could split another muffin. Last night we ate at the McDonald’s at the other end of the parking lot, which I could swear was as long as all of Carolina Beach.
I peeled a banana for Bella and she scrambled out of the sleeping bag and took it from my hand. She was still wearing the clothes she’d had on the day before. I checked her pants to make sure she hadn’t wet herself during the night, but she was dry. Her nose was runny and I made her blow into a tissue. Her hair looked a little dirty and I ran my comb through it. I didn’t see how I’d be able to take a shower or give her a bath till we found a place to live, and I hoped that would be soon. Maybe Roy could hook me up with one of his other workers and we could crash there till we found our own place. Then there was the whole child-care issue. God, my life was a mess. The word homeless was pushing its way into my brain and I was trying to keep it out. I refused to raise a homeless kid.
I neatened Bella and myself up as well as I could, and then we walked to the coffee shop. There were more people inside than there’d been the day before, and we had to wait a couple of minutes before we could get into the men’s room. Waiting in the hallway, Bella was doing the little bouncy moves that meant she really had to go and I just hoped whoever was in the bathroom wasn’t going to take as long as we would. A guy came out dressed in a suit and tie. He looked like he was trying to hold his breath as he passed us. I hoped we didn’t smell. I hoped I was just imagining things. Damn.
I washed Bella’s face and then helped her brush her teeth before brushing my own. I always sang the same song to her while she brushed her teeth. Five little monkeys, jumping on the bed… and even though she’d heard it every day of her life since she started getting teeth, she still giggled. I brushed her teeth more carefully than I did my own and washed behind her ears with the rough paper towels. She was so damned dependent on me and I wasn’t doing right by her, and we were in a strange place where we didn’t know a soul. Roy. We knew Roy. Sort of. We’re going to be fine, I told myself. Bella was giggling and she hadn’t wet herself or had nightmares. We were okay.
And we knew that lady. Erin. A little bit, anyway. A very little bit. I spotted her when we walked back into the main room of the coffee shop. She was sitting in the same chair she’d been in the day before, bent over the iPad on her lap, cardboard cup next to her on the table. Man, I would have loved to have an iPad, but that was only going to happen in my dreams. I was glad to see no one was on the couch near her.
“There’s Miss Erin,” I said to Bella. “Let’s get something to munch and go say hi.”
Bella took my hand and we waited in the short line in front of the counter. “Do you want a blueberry or banana nut muffin, Bell?” I asked.
She chewed her lower lip. “Blueberry,” she said finally. I bought the muffin and a large coffee, even though it was fifty cents more than the small. I needed it and anyway, in a few hours I’d have a job.
“Good morning, Erin,” I said as I sat down on the couch.
She looked surprised to see us. Maybe not all that happy about it, either, and I wondered if we were interrupting her work. She gave me one quick glance before her eyes landed on Bella and stayed there. “Hi, Bella,” she said, in the kind, high voice women always used with kids.
“Are we interrupting you?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No,” she said. “It’s fine.” She looked at Bella again, who was starting in on her half of the muffin. “Is that blueberry?” she asked.
Bella pressed herself against my arm. “Answer Miss Erin,” I said, and Bella nodded.
“I had one of them myself this morning,” Erin said. “It was so good.” She looked at me. “Today’s your job interview, huh?” she asked.
I liked that she remembered. “Yeah.” I thought about the phone in my pocket. I pulled the charger out of my canvas tote bag. “Better charge this thing,” I said. I stood up to plug the charger into the wall socket next to the couch.
“So where do you and Bella live?” Erin asked as I sat down again.
“Here and there for a few days till I get this job squared away,” I said. I thought of telling her we were in a hotel or something, but I couldn’t lie like that in front of Bella. Bella was being really quiet and I hoped she wouldn’t suddenly decide to say something about sleeping in the van.
Erin set down her iPad and leaned in Bella’s direction. “I’m totally in love with that purse,” she said, pointing to Bella’s pink purse.
Bella lifted the purse in the air to give Erin a better look at it and I was glad Erin didn’t reach for it or ask her what was inside. I didn’t feel like explaining the photographs to her. “It’s such a pretty color for you, Bella,” Erin said. “Pink goes beautifully with your eyes.”
“I have Daddy’s eyes,” Bella said. That was something my mother always said. Bella got her daddy’s eyes. I didn’t think I’d ever heard Bella say it before, though, and it was sort of like hearing my mother’s spirit coming through her.
Erin looked pleased she’d finally gotten some response out of my daughter. “You definitely do,” she said. “What color are they?” She peered more closely at Bella as if she couldn’t figure out her eye color on her own.
Bella looked up at me as if she wasn’t sure what color our eyes were, either. “You know,” I said.
“Purple,” she said, then giggled for the second time that morning. I wanted to hug her. I was putting her through so much right now and she was being such a good sport.
“Purple!” said Erin. “And I thought they were orange.”
“Green!” Bella said, and they went back and forth that way for a minute while I drained my coffee and tried to wake up.
“When does your job start?” Erin asked me when she and Bella had worn out their game.
“Soon, I hope. I hope I can start right away.”
“Did you figure out child care?”
“My friend thinks he—this guy—will know someone. Probably some of his other workers have kids and I can get Bella hooked up with them.”
“That’d be good,” Erin said.
“You live around here?” I asked. I wanted to get the conversation off me and onto anything else.
“Really close,” she said. She pointed north of us.
For the first time, I noticed her wedding ring. With girls my own age, I always checked for rings, but I hadn’t even noticed with Erin. I wondered what her story was. Why did she hang out here in the mornings? I nodded toward the iPad. “Are you working on that thing or do you use it for games or reading whatever?” I asked.
She glanced at the iPad. “I’m just using this to keep up with email and some…some groups I belong to,” she said. “I’m actually a pharmacist, but I’ve been taking some time off. I go back in a week or so.”
“A pharmacist!” I said. Whoa. She was no dummy. It was funny how you could suddenly see a person differently when you learned something new about them. It was like when someone knew me as a construction worker and then found out I’d been a decent student who could have gone to college if things had turned out differently. “Bella,” I said, “Miss Erin is like one of those people who work in a drugstore. Remember when you had that cold and the doctor told us to get you medicine at the drugstore?”
“Strawberry,” Bella said.
“That’s right. Well, the lady who asked you what flavor you wanted in your medicine was a pharmacist, like Erin. Miss Erin.”
Bella looked at Erin and I wondered what was going through her little head. Was she following me at all?
“Is strawberry yo
ur favorite flavor, Bella?” Erin asked.
Bella shook her head. “Manilla,” she said.
“Va-nilla,” I said. “That’s the ice cream you like, right?” I looked at Erin. “She’s had the sniffles since we left Carolina Beach and that’s how that cold started, so I’m hoping she doesn’t end up sick again.”
“Do you have any saline spray?” Erin asked.
I shook my head.
“Try that. She’s probably just reacting to the change in the weather.”
“See that, Bella?” I said, blotting her nose with my napkin. “We’ve got free advice from a real pharmacist.” I wondered how much saline spray cost. “Does your husband work in medicine, too?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No, he works with computers.” She looked down at her rings. “We’re separated right now. For a while. Sometimes you need a little break.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, as if I knew what it was like to be married.
I wondered if I could ask her to watch Bella while I met with Roy that afternoon. It was one thing to talk to him about who might be able to watch Bella for me when I was working for him, but another to actually show up with her for the so-called interview. Erin was starting to work on her iPad again, though, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
“Want a story?” I asked Bella, and I pulled out The Cat in the Hat and began to read.
* * *
I drove back to the McDonald’s for lunch at noon, then returned to our parking place in the Target lot at the other end of the shopping center. You could live your entire life in this shopping center. Anything you needed, there was a store for it. You never had to go anywhere else if you didn’t want to. As big as the whole place was, though, it felt suffocating to me because there was no ocean. No open sky, no sparkly blue sea, no white sand. I’d had a trapped feeling in my gut ever since we got to Raleigh. It’d pass, I hoped. Once I got a job and a real place to live, I’d feel a lot better.