I was wrong about the book selection being the hardest thing to do, though. Bella needed clothes. I opened two of Carolyn’s dresser drawers and pulled out pants and shirts, pajamas and underwear, without really thinking about it. I dropped them on the bed next to the books.
I walked into the master bedroom to look for a tote bag in the closet. I was astounded to see the bed was made. I didn’t think Michael had made the bed once during all the years we were married. I found the tote bag and carried it back into Carolyn’s room. “Pick out four toys to take with us,” I said to Bella, putting the books in the bag.
“This one.” She pointed to the princess dollhouse.
“That won’t fit in here, but we can carry it. It folds up. So that’s one. What else?”
Bella glanced at the play kitchen and I was about to veto that choice when she looked past it to Chutes and Ladders on a shelf above the plastic stove. Carolyn had never shown any interest in that game. It had no memories attached to it and that was just fine. I added the game to the books in the bag. Bella reached for the stuffed polar bear on the bed and I almost said “No!” but stopped myself. Carolyn’s not here. She won’t miss it. And she’d share it, anyway. No, actually, she wouldn’t have. Carolyn hadn’t been big on sharing. I’d worried that was because we’d put off having a second child too long, and that she’d have trouble adjusting to a new baby when we finally had one. Stupid, the things I’d worried about. I’d worried about all the wrong things.
“Good,” I said as Bella dropped the polar bear into the bag. “One more toy. Would you like a DVD?”
“No, thank you.” She wandered around the room thoughtfully, a finger to her lips. She pointed to a plastic box containing Carolyn’s little tea set. “What’s this?” she asked.
“It’s a tea set,” I said. “We can play with it later, if you like. We can have a tea party.”
She handed me the box and I put it in the bag.
“Okay,” I said. “We’re all set.”
We went out to the car and I fastened the car seat in the backseat, my hands working from muscle memory. There was a small stain on the edge of the cushion from the day Carolyn spilled her cranberry juice. I’d never been able to get it out. I had to look away.
What would Judith have to say about all this? I’d gone into Carolyn’s room. I’d touched her things and hadn’t fallen apart. Would she think I was crazy to take care of a child I didn’t really know? A child whose father had dumped her on me without leaving me a phone number or, I realized, even his last name? I was crazy. Still, I was doing it, and suddenly I was living in the here and now. Honor the past, but live in the present. I shivered with a smile. Judith was always one step ahead of me.
Bella climbed into the car seat, pushing my hands away as I tried to buckle her in. “I can do it,” she said, and she did.
I chatted with her about lunch as I drove back to Brier Creek. I was going over what I had in the house in my mind, hoping I didn’t need to stop at the grocery store.
“How about a cheese sandwich for lunch?” I asked.
“Do you have any mac and cheese?” she asked.
“Actually, I do.” It was a Weight Watchers frozen macaroni and cheese dinner—with my meager appetite these days and my lack of interest in cooking, I’d gotten big into those little frozen dinners. “I’ll make you some.”
* * *
We ate lunch in my kitchen and then I let Bella explore the small apartment with me at her side. I wanted her to know her surroundings and feel safe here. I’d never noticed before how sunny and bright the apartment was. Beams of sunlight danced over the glass-topped coffee table and lit up the beige carpeting. On the floor, we played with the princess dollhouse and her doll until she started getting cranky and asking for Travis.
“Would you like a nap?” I asked.
She shook her head, then nodded. “My sleeping bag’s in Moby Dick,” she said.
I was right, then. They were homeless and living in Travis’s van. “Is that where you sleep, honey? In the van?”
She nodded. “I used to sleep in the burned house before it got burned. Then in the trailer. Then in Moby Dick. It’s cold.”
Yes. The nights were definitely getting chilly. I could imagine how cold it would be waking up in a van in the morning. I could give her a much better life than that.
What are you thinking? I scolded myself.
“Well, I have a big bed we can share,” I said. The one extravagance the landlord had added to the simply furnished apartment was a king-size bed. “You’ll be warm tonight. Come on. Let’s go check it out.”
We walked together into the bedroom.
“This is the biggest bed I ever seen!” Bella said. It was high, too, and I had to help her up onto it. I brought one of the dining room chairs into the room and pushed the back of it up against the bed, just in case she was a roller. I smiled as I settled her under the covers, her little lamb tucked under her arm. She was so cute. She looked a little lost, both in the vast sea of the bed and in this long, strange day. I bent forward and kissed her forehead.
“Sleep tight,” I said, for the first time ever to a child that wasn’t mine.
“You’ll stay here?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” I said. “I’m going to take a nap, too.” I walked around to my side of the bed, slipped out of my yoga pants and shoes and climbed in.
“Sleep tight,” she said back to me. “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
In less than a minute, she was asleep. I lay on my side and studied her face as her eyelids fluttered with her dreams. I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I wanted just to watch her. I wanted to savor every moment of this day that felt so bittersweet.
26
Robin
I was asleep when my phone rang. My first thought was that my father had taken a turn for the worse—that’s how out of it I was. It can’t be Daddy, I reminded myself as I reached for the phone on the night table. He’s already gone.
“Hello?” I said. My voice was barely a whisper.
“She’s dead!” Alissa screamed. “Hurry! She’s dead!”
“Who?” I sat up quickly.
“Hannah!” she wailed. “Hurry!”
“Call 911!” I flung the phone onto my bed and raced out of my room, somehow remembering to grab the key to Hendricks House from the key rack near my front door. I ran barefoot across the lawn between the houses.
James and Dale were at a conference in Raleigh, but I reminded myself that Mollie was home. Alissa was not alone. It was amazing how quickly different scenarios could fly through your brain. Alissa had killed her, stabbing her in a post-partum depression fury for ruining her life. No, she wouldn’t do that. SIDS. Hannah had rolled onto her tummy and suffocated. Or a fall. Alissa might have drifted off to sleep while feeding her and dropped her. By the time my trembling hands unlocked the front door of Hendricks House, I’d imagined all these things and more.
I heard Alissa’s sobs coming from her room as soon as I opened the door. Mollie was in the hallway, pulling on her robe. “What’s going on?” she asked as she headed for Alissa’s room.
“She just called me to say the baby…” I couldn’t say it. I let my voice trail off, and Mollie pushed open the door to Alissa’s room.
Alissa sat on the bed clutching Hannah to her chest, rocking back and forth and crying. She looked more like twelve than seventeen, and Mollie and I were at her side in an instant.
“She’s alive,” Alissa said, “but she was blue when I found her. I don’t know what made me wake up. I just did. It was like she was too quiet or something. It was time for her to eat and somehow I knew it and woke up and I knew something was wrong and I turned on the light and she was blue!”
“Let me see her,” Mollie said, reaching for Hannah.
Alissa slowly unfolded her arms from around the baby, who screwed up her face and began to whimper. I let out my breath in relief. Mollie took the baby from Alissa carefully, laying her in the bassinet as she be
gan to check her over.
“That book you gave me,” Alissa said to me. “It explained how to do mouth to mouth in it…you know, breathing into her nose, too? And I did it.” Her lower lip trembled. “I did it and she let out this little gasp and started breathing and then her face got pink again.” She started crying again. “Oh, my God!” she said. “I was sure she was dead.”
I sat down next to her and put my arms around her. “You did a great job,” I said. I was floored, first that she’d actually read the book I’d given her and, second, that she’d been clearheaded enough to put what she’d learned into action. I wasn’t sure I could have done what she did. I whispered in her ear. “You really do love her,” I said, and she nodded slowly.
“I love her,” she whispered back.
“She seems okay,” Mollie said, “but I think we should take her to the hospital to be checked out. Was she on her back when you found her?”
“Yes,” Alissa said. She reached into the bassinet and pulled Hannah into her arms again, holding her close against her damp cheek as if she never wanted to let her go.
* * *
We spent the rest of the night at the hospital. It was hard on all three of us as we watched Hannah being stuck with needles and hooked up to monitors, looking so tiny in the little plastic bassinet. But it was hardest on Alissa, who’d discovered all in one night how much she loved her daughter. It had taken me four years to learn what she’d learned in the past few hours.
The doctor on call told us that Hannah had suffered no permanent damage, but he suggested we get an apnea monitor to alert Alissa if Hannah ever stopped breathing again. He congratulated Alissa on her courage and skill and Alissa cried all over again.
* * *
We were exhausted by the time we got back to Hendricks House. Mollie offered to stay up to watch Hannah, but I could see how tired she was and besides, I wanted to do it. I knew I’d drag through the next day, but I told Mollie I’d stay until six, when I’d need to get back to the B and B to get things ready for breakfast. I’d wake her up then and she could take over until Gretchen arrived.
Alissa didn’t seem to want to sleep, though. She fed Hannah with a tenderness I hadn’t seen in her before, and it took all my power of persuasion to encourage her to put the baby back in the bassinet. She sat on the edge of her bed, one hand on the bassinet as though she needed to stay connected to Hannah. She looked over at me where I stood near the window.
“I want to tell Will,” she said. “Don’t you think he has a right to know? Don’t you think I have a right to my baby’s father’s support right now? I don’t mean money. I mean emotional support. Don’t you think I have the right to that?”
Yes, actually, I did.
I sat down next to her. “Why hasn’t he fought to be a part of her life, Ali?” I asked gently.
“They wouldn’t let me put his name on the birth certificate.”
“But he could go to court. Ask for a paternity test.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. He probably doesn’t realize that. I need to see him. Tell him.”
“Maybe after the election,” I said. “Maybe Dale would agree—”
“Fuck the election,” Alissa said, but she kept her voice low for Hannah’s sake. “Do you hear yourself, Robin? You’re becoming just like them. This is all so wrong.”
It was. She was old enough to take care of a baby. To save that baby’s life. She was old enough to make other decisions about her own life. I’d caved to my father when it came to Travis. I wouldn’t stand by while Alissa caved to the Hendricks. I pictured her reunion with Will, their embrace filled with emotion after they’d been kept apart all this time.
“I’ll help you,” I said.
“What?” she asked softly, disbelieving.
“I don’t know how yet, Ali, but I’ll help you and Will get together. I promise.”
27
Travis
I waited for Roy in a wal-mart parking lot. I’d moved to that lot on the other side of Route 70 in Brier Creek on the off chance that Erin called the cops. All that miserable day, I’d hung out in the van. If I’d known where Erin lived, I would have gone there to take Bella back. I just hoped she’d discovered the note. Really idiotic scheme I’d come up with, but I kept telling myself how stable Erin seemed. She was separated from her husband, but she still seemed to have a sane and normal life. She’d handle it okay. Bella was safe and in the morning she’d be back with me again. I made it through this shitty day without her. Now I had to get through this insane night with Roy and the whole baby formula fiasco, and then I’d have money in my pocket. A lot of money.
I’d called Roy to tell him I’d moved the car, and he’d said he’d come to the Wal-Mart lot around eleven. Now it was eleven forty-five and no sign of him. I thought we’d gotten our signals crossed and was about to call him, when I saw a car turn into the parking lot. It passed under a light and I saw the candy-apple-red color and knew we were about to get the show on the road. Finally.
He pulled up next to me and got out of his car, alone. There was supposed to be two of them. He’d sworn I didn’t have to do any of the actual stealing. Just drive. He opened the passenger-side door of my van and got in, carrying two heavy-duty flashlights.
“Where’s your buddy?” I asked.
“Coming separately.” He looked at his watch. “Should be here any sec.” He reached into his jacket pocket and handed me a cell phone. “This is in case something gets screwed up,” he said. “We’ll each have one, and after the job, you toss it, understand?”
“What can get screwed up?” I asked. “You said this is a piece of cake.”
“Quit whining.” He looked toward the parking lot entrance and I followed his gaze to the headlights coming toward us. It wasn’t until the car pulled up next to Roy’s that I recognized the green Beetle.
“Is that Savannah?” I asked.
“You got it,” he said.
I flew out of the van and met up with her as she was getting out of her car. “What the hell!” I shouted. “What the hell?”
“Not so loud.” She pressed a hand to my chest as if she could shut me up that way. “And is that any way to greet an old friend?”
Roy was next to us now and he nodded in my direction. “This guy’s a loose cannon,” he said to Savannah.
“He’ll be fine,” she said.
“You set me up!” I shouted.
“Would you shut it?” Roy gave me a shove, but I barely felt it. I was seething.
“I got you a job,” Savannah said. “And a better paying job than any you’d ever find in Carolina Beach, so just settle down.”
“Okay, boys and girls, the reunion’s over,” Roy said. “Let’s get on the road.”
“I’m not doing this,” I said. It was the principle of the thing now. Being taken for a fool wasn’t sitting well with me, five hundred bucks or not.
“Yes, you are,” Savannah said. “Look, Travis, I’ve made this run lots of times. The money’s amazing and you need it, right? Where’s Bella?”
“None of your business.”
“How’re you feeding her, huh? Are you living in the van? Winter’s coming.”
“Just shut up.” I spun around to face her. “Stop patronizing me. You’re—” I shook my head, still in disbelief that she’d made me into such a fool. “You are one piece of work,” I said.
She laughed. “Just a small change from being your piece of ass, huh? Which is all I was to you, right?”
“Okay, okay,” Roy said. “You two can settle your lovers’ quarrel later. Right now we have a run to do, so let’s get it over with.”
The two of them headed for my van while I stood there trying to figure out what to do. I was furious—at Savannah and at myself for getting suckered into this. But she was right, wasn’t she? I needed the money and she knew it. I climbed into the van, my face burning.
Savannah was in the passenger seat, Roy behind us. None of us spoke as I drove out of the pa
rking lot. “Which way?” I asked when I got to the main road.
“Right,” Roy said. “Just stay on this road for a while.”
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked Savannah. I was still steamed.
“A few years. You asked me how I could have nice stuff in the trailer and a good car. Well, this is how. And I’m moving out of the trailer soon. I’ll probably move here to Raleigh and—”
“Shut up, Savannah,” Roy said.
“What?” She turned to look at him.
“You mouth off too much. Nobody needs to know your business.”
“I’m not ‘nobody,’” I said. “I’m the guy you found to be your patsy. Why me? There have to be a hundred other guys you could corral into this.”
“You’re not a patsy.” Savannah rested her hand on my forearm and I gritted my teeth so hard my jaw hurt. “You’re part of the team now, so don’t get all wimpy on us. We used to work with another guy but he screwed up on a job and ended up—”
“Stuff it,” Roy said to her.
“Oh, go to hell.”
I remembered Savannah telling me how she couldn’t agree to watch Bella every day because she sometimes went out of town. So these were her out-of-town trips. She needed more money, she made a baby formula run.
“What happened to the other guy?” I asked.
“He screwed up,” Roy said. “You’re not going to screw up, right? So you have nothing to worry about.”
“Did he get caught or what?”
“He got the ‘or what.’” Savannah laughed.
“Shut the fuck up, Savannah!” Roy shouted.
What the hell was I doing? Nothing was worth the risk of going to jail or ending up dead or whatever. “I’m not doing this,” I said again, searching the side of the road for a turnoff. “I’m taking you back to the parking lot. Next place I can turn around—”