shoulder of the road and passes everyone. She makes a sharp right turn and cuts into traffic. A few more cars honk at her as she blows by them and a yellow traffic sign.
INSERT: TRAFFIC SIGN
PED-XING. A stick figure crosses the street.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
Tim bounds across the street and dodges a few cars. He climbs a grassy knoll to a parking lot.
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Tim scrambles through the gravel and weeds. He stops to press all the buttons on the alarm remote. Nothing.
TIM
It has to be here somewhere.
He looks more closely at the keys in his hand to notice the yellow VW key chain.
TIM
I guess that could be a clue. A yellow Volkswagon.
He continues to dart through the parking lot looking for the car. A POLICE OFFICER on a bicycle follows Tim. The officer catches up to him.
OFFICER
Everything alright, buddy?
TIM
Yeah, everything is fine. I am just a little short-winded and lost.
OFFICER
What are you looking for?
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: CLUB MAXIM.
BRITNEY
My keys!
Joey stands like a scolded dog with his tail between his legs.
BRITNEY
Where are they, Joey? I left them in my purse. And why is my purse soaking wet?
Three other girls stand beside Britney. They are MAUREEN, CONNIE, and BECKA. Maureen digs through her purse and pulls out a set of keys.
MAUREEN
Why are your keys in my purse, Becka?
Becka digs through her purse and pulls out a set of keys.
BECKA
Hey, aren't these keys yours, Connie?
The two girls exchange keys. They each give Joey a piercing stare.
CONNIE
And you swear that you didn't take your eyes off them?
Joey remains silent.
BRITNEY
All we ask you to do is to watch the purses while we dance, you dweeb. How could you have let this happen? It's like someone stole the purses, mixed everything inside them up and then...dropped them in the fucking toilet!
The other girls simultaneously drop their purses in disgust.
BRITNEY
And now my keys are missing and my whole evening is ruined. Thanks, Joey.
Joey still stands motionless. Britney throws her hands up.
BRITNEY
You have nothing to say? Forget it!
All four girls walk away from Joey.
MAUREEN
Hey Brit, doesn't Ashley still keep a spare key hidden underneath her car?
BRITNEY
Yeah. But I needed to see someone else feel like shit after the day that I've had.
BECKA
So where are we going now?
BRITNEY
I am going home. I am just not in the mood to shake my ass anymore.
MAUREEN
Are you sure you're OK to drive? You've had like four kamikazes.
BRITNEY
I had six, and I'm fine. Besides, I have my ways of getting out of tickets.
Britney purses her lips and puts on some lip balm. They all giggle. She waves to her friends and heads towards the exit.
BECKA
Congratulate your sister on her win for us, Britney!
Maureen elbows Becka.
MAUREEN
Why'd you say that, you bimbo?
Britney scowls and wrings her purse in her hands like a wet towel as she leaves.
BRITNEY
(to herself)
Don't worry, I will congratulate Ashley. When she's sleeping tonight, I am going to squeeze my hands around her…
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: THE AFTERGLOW.
JACK
Balls! Those were my balls!
Jack clutches his groin and drops to his knees in coleslaw. One of the lesbians uppercuts him in the chin. He flops onto his back. Coleslaw spatters everywhere.
The crowd cheers and laughs. Frank pushes his way to the pool and gets in. He grabs Jack and pulls him to the edge.
FRANK
I got you now, fucker!
Bobby and the girls head towards Frank.
BOBBY
Don't let'em go, Frank!
The lesbians approach Frank.
DJ
Uh, oh. It looks like we have another contestant for our lesbian coleslaw wrestlers! Get him girls!
One of the lesbians kicks Frank from behind while he kneels on top of Jack. Frank lunges forward onto his chest in coleslaw. Both lesbians step over Jack and inflict pain on Frank.
VANESSA
Get in there and help him, Bobby.
Bobby hesitates.
CINDY
You're not scared are you?
Bobby SNORTS and climbs into the pool. He spins one of the lesbians around and throws a wild punch. He misses as she ducks and uppercuts him in his groin. Bobby keels over onto his side just in time to catch an elbow drop from the lesbian.
Jack crawls out of the pool and through the crowd like a slug. He leaves a white, creamy trail of coleslaw. He exits through a side door.
CINDY
There he goes, we'll get him.
Vanessa and Cindy follow Jack.
Meanwhile, Frank is contorted into a pretzel by one of the lesbians. He smacks his hand into the coleslaw repeatedly as he TAPS out.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB.
The bell rings. DING! DING! DING! The unknown wrestler screams in pain as he TAPS out. Rowdy Roddie Piper hovers over him and bends his leg via a painful submission move. Piper drops him and throws up his arms. The crowd cheers.
JIM-BOB
I love you, Piper! You're my hero!
Piper stands on the turnbuckle and points and waves to people in the crowd. Fans cheer and take pictures of him. Cameras FLASH brightly.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
The brights on the Pinto FLASH a few times to reveal a teenage couple making-out in the parking spot. They scurry away as Ashley steers the car in.
ASHLEY
I hate Ybor city.
She climbs out of the car only to step in a wad of WHITE bubble- gum. She takes a few steps and stretches it out into a stringy mess.
ASHLEY
Ehhhrrrg!
She steps up to the curb of the parking lot and scrapes her shoe on it.
In the distance, a car alarm begins to WHINE.
ASHLEY
Stupid brats chewing stupid gum in stupid Ybor… that sounds like MY car's alarm!
She gazes down the hill into the lower parking lot to see Tim dancing around the yellow Volkswagen Beetle. The headlights blink in unison with the rhythm of the alarm.
Tim unlocks the car and dives in to search for the chest.
Ashley takes off running down the hill in complete haste.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE.
Through the windshield of the car, Ashley can be seen running down the hill. She trips and takes a series of painful tumbles the remainder of the way down through some tall weeds, gravel, and over a wooden log. She staggers to her feet and limps towards Tim.
Tim's feet dangle out the driver side door as he digs through various Mary-Cay cosmetic brochures, samples, and small empty boxes on the passenger side floor. He retrieves the chest.
TIM
I got you!
ASHLEY
(V.0.)
No, asshole! I got you!
Ashley grabs his ankles and tries pulling him out of the car. Tim grasps onto the passenger seat as he looks up at Ashley.
Her face is scratched up and she has dirt and twigs in her frazzled hair. Her lipstick is smeared across the mascara running down her cheeks.
Tim GASPS in horror. He reaches down and grabs a bottle of lotion. He aims it at her and
squeezes. WHITE lotion bursts out of the bottle all over her face.
QUICKLY CUT TO:
EXT: ALLEY.
Jack wipes WHITE, creamy, chunky coleslaw off of his face as he leans against a wall. In a daze, he stumbles out of the alley into the back streets of Ybor.
Cindy and Vanessa bound into the alley from the club just in time to see Jack turn the corner.
CINDY
There he is! Go get the boys while I keep an eye on this SON OF A-
QUICKLY CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
BRITNEY
BITCH!
Britney stares at the Volkswagen Beetle from a distance. She sees Ashley leaning against the car door wiping her face.
Britney cracks her knuckles as she marches towards the car.
BRITNEY
You have some nerve coming here!
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: THE AFTERGLOW.
DJ
Tempers are flaring here tonight, folks! What originally started out as wholesome, fun-for-the-whole-family lesbian coleslaw wrestling has escalated into an all-out brawl between a couple of mutant lesbians and some angry rednecks.
The crowd laughs and cheers as Frank and Bobby are thrown from the pool by the lesbians. They both land at the feet of Vanessa.
She shakes her head at them in dismay.
VANESSA
That clown is getting away while you two are in here playing around. Yuck! You idiots just got coleslaw on my brand new…
QUICKLY CUT TO:
INT: CRAZY HARRY'S SPORTSCLUB. LOCKER ROOM.
PIPER
SKIRT? Did you just call it a skirt? It's a kilt!
Rowdy Roddie Piper packs his bag as CRAZY HARRY writes him a
check. Crazy Harry is a short Indian man.
PIPER
And if I ever saw anyone else wearing one with the same level of respect and courage for it as myself, I would welcome him as my brother with open arms, because he, too, would have to be a man of strength and honor, like Rowdy Roddie Piper!
Piper poses with his chest out and his arms at his sides like a man of valor and distinction.
CRAZY HARRY
I am sorry. I didn't realize that there was so much prestige and moral excellence in the art of professional wrestling! You said a check was fine?
Piper breaks his pose and blows a snot-rocket on the floor.
PIPER
No, I need some cash under the table if you can. I got the IRS on my back.
CUT TO:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Piper walks through the parking lot swinging a motorcycle helmet. He rubs his neck.
PIPER
I am getting too old for this shit.
Suddenly, Tim runs by with the chest under his arm. He slows down to look at Piper.
ASHLEY
(0.C.)
Help! That man stole my purse!
Ashley stumbles after Tim. As she runs by, she gives Piper a strange stare. Piper stands puzzled for a few moments until Britney scurries by. She stops and looks at Piper.
BRITNEY
Are you wearing a skirt? Fag!
She darts after Ashley chasing Tim.
CUT TO:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Jack picks at his butt as he staggers between cars. He is still soaked in coleslaw.
JACK
How'd it get so far up my ass?
A few car lengths back, Cindy secretly follows Jack. Behind her, Bobby, Frank, and Vanessa falter to catch up.
CUT TO:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Jack arrives at the Jeep and sprawls out on the hood. He softly MOANS in pain as coleslaw drips down the grill and bumper.
TIM
(0.C.)
Get in!
Jack lifts his head to see Tim sprinting his way.
TIM
Get in, now!
Jack slides off the hood and crawls toward the passenger door. He passes out before he can climb into the Jeep.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT: PARKING LOT.
Jack awakens to a few brisk slaps by Frank. Bobby has Tim's head pressed in to the side of the Jeep. Vanessa holds the white chest.
FRANK
Wake up, shit-head.
BOBBY
Yeah, I bet you didn't think you'd see us again, did ya? We got you and their ain't NO escaping this time. And we got your brother here, too.
ASHLEY
(O.C.)
Let it go.
They all look up to see Ashley. She is a disaster.
FRANK
Who