Chapter 10
KIDNAPPED!
Mrs. Heinie pulled me aside. “Is that your dog, Bernie?”
“Dog? What dog?” I replied. “I didn’t see a dog.”
She stared at me through her thick glasses. “Bernie, even I saw that bulldog with the leg in his mouth! If you have a pet on campus, I have to report you to Headmaster Upchuck.”
I raised my hands in surrender. “Mrs. Heinie,” I said, “you caught me. I confess. I have sixteen Chihuahuas, two ducks, and a grizzly bear in my room.”
“No jokes,” she said. “Tonight, I’ll be in your room for our nightly Good Night Handshake. And I’m going to search your room from top to bottom.”
The Good Night Handshake is an old Rotten School tradition. It happens every night in all the dorms before Lights-Out.
In our dorm, Mrs. Heinie comes around at nine o’clock. She goes from room to room and checks everyone in for the night.
Then she asks each one of us, “How was your day? Did you have a good day?” And she shakes hands with each of us.
It’s kind of nice to end each day with a handshake. But not if you’re hiding a parrot and a bulldog in your room.
Mrs. H. squinted at me through her glasses. “If you have a pet in there, I’ll find it,” she said.
“I’ll help you,” I said. “If anyone is hiding pets in the dorm, we’ll catch them—won’t we!”
A few minutes later, I was crossing the Great Lawn, hurrying back to Rotten House. I walked with my head down, my shoulders hunched. Thinking hard.
Mrs. H. would be in my room tonight, searching every corner. No way I could hide Gassy and Lippy from her. I was doomed.
The afternoon sun was sinking behind the trees. Long shadows fell over the grass.
I saw Sherman Oaks across the lawn. The evil Sherman. He’d do anything to get me in trouble.
He wore his ostrich-skin backpack. And he was carrying something on his shoulder. A laundry bag?
Why would Sherman be carrying a bulging laundry bag across the Great Lawn?
I decided to follow him. Sherman was grunting and groaning. He started to stagger. The bag was heavy.
I kept in the shadows. I crept closer. Closer…
“Ohhhh, yuck.” A disgusting smell washed over me.
I pinched my fingers over my nose. But it didn’t help.
Gassy!
Sherman wasn’t hauling a laundry bag. He was carrying my pet! Sherman had kidnapped my bulldog!
Where was Sherman taking him? Three guesses.
I stayed in the shadows. I moved behind the trees. I followed Sherman to Headmaster Upchuck’s house.
He planned to rat me out. Sherman was about to show my dog to the Headmaster. And then it would be time to say, “Bye-bye, Bernie.” I’d be on the next bus home.
Nice guy, huh?
I watched Sherman lower Gassy to the ground. He had the dog on a leash. He tied the leash to a slender tree next to the Headmaster’s house.
Then Sherman walked up to the front door and rang the bell.
I had to act fast. If Headmaster Upchuck came out and saw Gassy, it was all over.
But what could I do?
Chapter 11
MEOW
Think fast. Think fast, Bernie.
Turning, I saw Belzer strolling across the grass. I waved to him. “Belzer—get over here! Hurry!”
Belzer bounced over to me, his stomach bumping up and down under his T-shirt. “What’s up, Big B?” he asked.
“Shhh. No time to explain,” I said. I pulled Belzer over to Gassy. When he saw me, the dog’s stubby tail started wagging like crazy. Gassy knew I was going to rescue him.
I tugged the leash off Gassy. I gave him a gentle slap on the butt, and Gassy trotted away.
Then I slid the leash over Belzer’s neck. “Quick. Sit,” I said.
Belzer sat down in the grass with the leash around his neck.
“Good boy,” I said. I petted him on the head. “When Headmaster Upchuck comes out, here’s what you say: ‘He tied me up! Sherman tied me up.’ Get it?”
“Got it, Big B,” Belzer said. He flashed me a thumbs-up. “How long do I have to wear this leash?”
No time to answer. The door to the Headmaster’s house swung open. Sherman started to pull Headmaster Upchuck to the tree.
The Headmaster is a tiny man, about the same height as us fourth graders. He wears the same gray suit every day. I think he took it off a ventriloquist’s dummy.
I darted behind a nearby bush. Then I peeked out and watched.
Sherman looked very excited. He had a big smile on his face. “I have proof that Bernie Bridges has a pet at school,” he told the Headmaster. “Here it is—Bernie’s dog.”
Headmaster Upchuck stared down at Belzer. Belzer sat on the grass, looking sad. He tugged at the tight leash around his neck. “He tied me up!” Belzer cried. “Sherman tied me up!”
Sherman’s mouth dropped open. His eyes bulged.
Headmaster Upchuck scowled at him. “Is this some kind of a joke?” he growled. “You know I don’t have a sense of humor. I don’t get jokes.”
“But—but—but—” Sherman sputtered.
“Untie Belzer,” Headmaster Upchuck ordered. “We have a school rule against tying up other students.”
“Yes, sir,” Sherman said weakly. He slid the leash off Belzer. Belzer rubbed his neck.
And just at that moment, a sound came out of Sherman’s backpack. A very loud meee-oww.
“What was that?” Headmaster Upchuck demanded.
“Uh…nothing,” Sherman answered.
“It sounded like a cat,” Belzer said.
Another loud meee-oww poured out of the backpack.
“Sherman Oaks, are you hiding a pet?” the Headmaster asked. “Open your backpack. At once.”
Sherman sighed and pulled off his backpack. He unzipped it and pulled out his metal cat.
The cat meowed, dropped to the grass, and clawed at Headmaster Upchuck’s pants leg with both paws.
“He tore my pants!” Headmaster Upchuck cried. “Get him off me! He’s shredding my pants!”
Sherman struggled to pull the cat away. But he couldn’t tear the cat off the Headmaster’s pants.
Belzer found me behind the bush. We took off, trotting toward Rotten House.
An awesome afternoon.
Behind us, I could hear Headmaster Upchuck screaming at Sherman. “Shut that thing off! Shut it off—and give me the batteries!”
Score one for Bernie B.
“Look what fell out of Sherman’s backpack,” Belzer said. He handed me a wad of raffle tickets.
“Oh, wow. These are the ten tickets I sold him,” I said. “Terrific. I’ll sell them to him again. At twice the price!” I shoved them into my pocket.
I felt good. But I knew the pet war wasn’t over. I knew Sherman wouldn’t give up.
And Mrs. Heinie would be in my room tonight. My sweet pets weren’t safe.
Chapter 12
DOOMED!
At dinner in the Dining Hall, I ate my food and Belzer’s, too. Being brilliant takes a lot of energy.
After dinner most of the guys went to their rooms to do homework. Feenman, Crench, and I studied, too. We studied some PlayStation games in the Common Room.
When I glanced at the clock, it was nearly nine. Oh, wow. Nearly nine. And I realized I was DOOMED.
I heard Mrs. Heinie come downstairs. It was time for nine o’clock Lights-Out—and the Good Night handshake.
I hurried to my room. I covered Lippy’s perch.
“BEAK me!” he squawked. “Beak me!”
But he settled down after a few seconds.
I hoisted Gassy onto the bed and slid him under the covers. “Don’t move a muscle,” I told him.
“Shut your BEAK!” Lippy called.
I threw a dozen or so T-shirts over his stand to muffle the sound.
I sat down on the bed and tried to cover the big lump. Could I get away with it
? Through my open door, I saw Mrs. Heinie in the other room. She was shaking hands with Feenman. “Good night, Mrs. Heinie,” Feenman said. She shook hands with Crench and Belzer.
“Put the balloons away,” she told Crench. “You can make more funny noises tomorrow.”
The three guys giggled like madmen.
Mrs. H. turned and headed into my room.
This was it. The big test.
“Hello, Mrs. H.,” I said. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”
“Shut your BEAK!” Lippy squawked. Lippy’s voice was muffled, but she could still hear him.
Mrs. Heinie squinted at me through her glasses. “What did you say?”
“I said, come take a PEEK.”
“That’s what I plan to do,” Mrs. Heinie said, gazing around.
Lippy squawked from his cage.
“Bernie, what did you say?” Mrs. H. repeated.
“I said, lovely WEATHER.”
Mrs. Heinie began searching my room for pets. She sniffed around in every corner. She searched my closet. She went through my dresser drawers. She even got down on her knees and searched under my bed. “I don’t like that smile on your face, Bernie,” she said. “I know you’re hiding pets in here somewhere.”
“I’m only smiling because I’m happy to see you,” I said. I flashed her my best dimples. “You bring a little sunshine to all of us boys, Mrs. H.”
“Cut the baloney,” she said. She sighed. “I can’t find any animals. Guess I’ll say good night.”
She started to shake my hand—then stopped.
Her eyes bulged, and her mouth dropped open.
She was staring at the bed. Staring because Gassy had poked his head up through the covers. Gassy had his head on the pillow, staring up at Mrs. H.
“Uh…I can explain this,” I said.
Chapter 13
THE NEW STUDENT
Think fast, Bernie. Think fast.
“Mrs. Heinie, have you met the new student?” I said.
She blinked several times. “New student?”
“Yes. He arrived today. Meet…uh…Barry Bone.”
Mrs. Heinie squinted at Gassy. “Welcome to Rotten House.”
Gassy burped.
Mrs. Heinie turned to me. “I’m shocked. I don’t believe you’re sharing your room! You never wanted a roommate. You always wanted to be by yourself.”
“Oh. Well…I wanted to give the new kid a break,” I said. “You know. Help him get a good start.”
“That’s so nice of you, Bernie,” Mrs. Heinie said.
A big gob of drool ran down Gassy’s chin. I stepped behind him and hugged him to cover the drool.
“Bernie—what are you doing?” Mrs. Heinie asked.
“I’m starting a new tradition,” I told her. “A nightly handshake and a nightly hug.” I tightened my hug around Gassy.
Mrs. Heinie had a tear in one eye. “Bernie, I never knew you had such a sweet side. A nightly hug is a wonderful idea.”
She stepped forward and stuck out her hand. “Barry, welcome to Rotten House. We shake hands every night.”
I still had a tight hug around the dog’s middle. I stuck out my hand, and she shook it.
“And good night to you, too, Bernie,” she said. I stuck out my hand again, and she shook it again.
Mrs. Heinie turned and headed out the door.
Yaay. Talk about a close one!
As soon as Mrs. Heinie was gone, Feenman, Belzer, and Crench hurried into my room.
“Bernie, she almost caught you,” Feenman said. “That new student idea was brilliant.”
“Brilliant!” Belzer repeated.
“But she’ll catch on,” Crench said. “What are you going to do?”
“No problem. We’ll do it right,” I said. “We’ll enroll Barry in school.”
Chapter 14
JELLY BEANS
I listened until Mrs. H. climbed the stairs to her apartment in the attic. I heard her door close. Then Feenman, Crench, and I got dressed and tiptoed out of the dorm.
It was a cool, breezy night. Very dark. No moon or stars.
Our sneakers slid over the wet grass. I was in a hurry. Feenman and Crench had to jog to keep up with me.
“Tell me again, Bernie,” Feenman whispered. “Why are we sneaking into the Headmaster’s office?”
“To enroll the new student,” I said.
We made our way to Upchuck’s building. He was asleep. All the lights were out upstairs.
We sneaked in through a back window. Our flashlights danced over the walls. The Headmaster had a big desk, cluttered with papers and files. A desktop computer sat at one side.
On the wall, I saw two framed photographs. One was of Headmaster Upchuck in a black graduation robe. The other showed him at some theme park, shaking hands with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Weird.
“Hey, check it out,” Crench whispered. “He keeps a jar of jelly beans on his desk.” Crench pulled off the lid and helped himself.
Feenman grabbed a few from the jar. “Yo, Crench. What’s your favorite flavor?”
“Cucumber,” Crench said. “I love the cucumber ones.”
“I like the white ones that have no flavor at all,” Feenman said. “Those are awesome!”
“We’re not here for jelly beans,” I said. “This is serious. Did you forget?”
Feenman and Crench swallowed. “What do we do, Bernie?”
“Go through that stack of papers,” I said, beaming my light on the desk. “Find the ‘New Student file.’”
They began pawing through the stack. I moved to the file cabinets against the wall and began to search.
“Found it!” I whispered, pulling out a thick file. “Okay, dudes. We’re in business.”
I spread the file out on the desktop. “Here we go. Registration form. Keep your light on it. Hey, Crench—what are you doing?”
“I got a green onion one,” he said. “Awesome.” He tossed a few more jelly beans into his mouth. “Mmmm. Tomato.”
I pulled out my pen and leaned over the registration form.
“Hey, Bernie, what’s up with this? How is this going to work?” Feenman asked.
“I enroll Gassy as a transfer student,” I said. “If Gassy is a student, he can’t be a pet—right? And if he’s not a pet, I can’t be kicked out of school.”
“But—but—” Feenman stammered. “It won’t work. It can’t work.”
“Take it easy,” I said. “He won’t be the only student in this school who walks on all fours!”
Crench was grabbing for the jelly beans again. He was no help at all. But Feenman held his flashlight over the New Student form. And I filled it out.
I wrote Gassy’s new name on the form: BARRY A.
BONE. Then I scribbled stuff over the rest of the page.
“I’m so proud. Barry’s gonna be a Rotten Student!” I said. “Crench—get away from the jelly beans. Open that supply closet over there. Find Barry a school T-shirt and a cap.”
Crench opened the closet and began to search through the shelves of shirts and sweatshirts. “Problem, Bernie,” he said. “They don’t have dog sizes.”
“Never mind that,” I said. “Just get a large.”
He handed me a shirt and a cap. “Better get me two shirts,” I said. “Barry spits up a lot.”
Crench handed me another shirt.
“Okay. We’re done. Let’s get out of here,” I said. “I’ve got to get Barry ready for school tomorrow.”
We started to the door. But Crench just couldn’t resist. He saw two dark beans resting on the desk. He picked them up and popped them into his mouth. He chewed for a moment. Then he made a disgusted face. “Sick. These taste awful.”
“That’s because they’re not jelly beans,” I said. “That was mouse poop.”
Chapter 15
FIRST-DAY JITTERS
The next morning, Belzer walked Barry while I ate breakfast. I could barely swallow my bacon, sausage, hash browns, cheese Danish,
and hominy grits. I was nervous about Barry’s first day in class.
When Belzer returned, I told him to get the new student dressed for school.
It wasn’t easy.
Belzer had a hard time pulling the shirt over Barry’s head and down his legs. Barry kept growling and snapping at him.
“Ow. My arm. I’m bleeding!” Belzer cried. “Look what that dog did to me. I’m bleeding!”
“It’s only a flesh wound,” I said. “Be a man, Belzer! The new student is just a little nervous on his first day.”
“It isn’t going to work if he bites everyone!” Belzer said.
“They’ll just think he’s friendly,” I said.
Belzer finally finished with the shirt. Then he tucked the baseball cap over Barry’s floppy bulldog ears. “Listen to me. It isn’t going to work, Big B,” Belzer said. “Look. He’s drooling on his shirt.”
“So does Feenman,” I said. “Let’s go. It’s almost time for class.”
We led Barry downstairs. We were almost out the door when we ran into Billy the Brain. “Hey, what’s up, guys?” he greeted us.
“Just heading to class,” I said. “Why the big smile, dude?”
“Check this out,” he said. He flashed a paper in front of me. “I aced the History test, Bernie. I got a forty-eight. Believe it?”
“Wow.” I stared at his test paper. He got almost half the questions right! “Good work, Billy,” I said. “Whoa, dude. That will bring up the curve for the whole class.”
He turned to Barry. “Hey—how’s it going?” he asked the dog.
Barry stared up at him with his runny brown eyes.
“Transfer student,” I told Billy. “First day.”
“Hey, good luck,” Billy said. He reached out his right hand to shake hands with Barry.
“Shake,” I whispered. “Shake.”
Barry raised a paw. They shook hands. Billy hurried off.
As soon as he was gone, Belzer turned to me. “Bernie—he didn’t even notice. Did you see? Billy the Brain didn’t even notice that Barry is a dog!”