One week later, President Kennedy gave a speech at Rice University announcing that by the end of the decade the United States would put a man on the moon. Eric and Lynne rarely watched television, but by chance they had turned it on that evening, hearing Kennedy’s proclamation, what Eric called it. Neither Snyder was particularly political, although Lynne had voted for Kennedy. Eric said he would have had he been home, and they joked about their lack of involvement in the world around them. Eric focused on art, Lynne on homemaking, but even those pastimes had been curtailed since the deaths of the Canfield twins and the terrible rift between the Aherns.
The next day, Eric called Stanford, telling his dealer that if a November show was scheduled, Eric wouldn’t argue, but he wouldn’t attend either. Stanford threatened to put Agatha on the telephone, which made Eric smile, but not even for her would Eric travel east. Yet, the paintings could, all those which had been shown there in town, even the blue barn and the three hawks. Eric had bumped into Sam at the grocery store two days before and Sam had brought it up. Eric wasn’t sure how to take Sam’s query; Sam was implicit that the hawks weren’t for sale, but that if Eric wanted to send them to Europe, that was fine. Sam seemed surprised that Eric wasn’t sure what he wanted to do and their conversation ended awkwardly. But that made Eric take stock; he’d received yet another letter from the other side of the Atlantic, this time from a Finnish museum, which would love to display his paintings on the proposed European tour.
Yet, Eric’s heart wasn’t into traveling to attend their send-off party, how Stanford had originally coined it months ago. Now Stanford was more reverential, although small glee had crept into his tone, for the nudes would still be sold. Eric reminded Stanford that no matter how much they went for, the buyers had to agree that those paintings would be permitted into the European show, and Stanford agreed, noting that he had secured the inclusion of several of Eric’s older canvases. The exhibition would be retrospective in nature, even if it was the first time Eric’s work would be seen outside of America.
Then Stanford had casually asked about Sam and Renee’s paintings. Eric had sighed, that yes, they would be included, but that no, the hawks weren’t for sale. Stanford hadn’t questioned him, calmly replying that he was pleased the blue barn would again be displayed. Eric didn’t ask about Seth and Stanford didn’t volunteer anything. The call ended with Eric slightly more at peace, at least in not having to go east. But there in town, Eric knew little respite. He and Lynne hadn’t said anything to Marek about the Aherns, but now Eric wondered if perhaps he should at least ask the pastor for advice. Eric felt he needed to do or say something if for no other reason that Jane was crawling all over the place, her godparents missing the show.
That evening after dinner, Eric called the Aherns, but no one answered. Lynne was keeping an eye on the couple’s freewheeling daughter, what Eric said as Jane crept or crawled under the dining room table, through chair legs, even into the sunroom. Eric had to move the easel which displayed the canvas of Jane and her pastor, not wishing to have that painting crash to the floor. On Sunday Marek was coming over for lunch and to view the canvas. Then, like the rest that were destined for New York, it would be moved into the storage building, waiting to be carefully packed, then shipped east.
Eric was restless, then told his wife he was going for a drive. Lynne asked no questions, but did have Eric kiss their daughter goodnight. Eric smiled, Lynne’s subtle way of saying take your time. Eric felt that Sam was home, but wasn’t answering his phone. Eric thought that might work to his advantage, or at least he would give Sam a reason to answer the telephone next time.
In the car, Eric pondered the president’s expectations, a man on the moon in the next seven and a half years. Jane would be eight by then, which made Eric wince, for he would be over forty. How many children might he and Lynne have, and would they be finished procreating? Eric smiled, for since learning to crawl, Jane had been nursing less, too busy discovering her new world. She ate whatever Lynne fed her and had already tasted her mother’s pumpkin pie. Lynne felt boysenberry or apple would be too sweet, and not smooth enough. But over the weekend, Eric had shared a mushed bite with his daughter, much to Lynne’s chagrin. Then Eric found himself being forced to share, for instantly Jane had developed a taste for her mother’s signature dessert. Eric hadn’t added any custard, over which Lynne had teased him, yet it was said in a cautious tone. Jane should be learning that custard was an Ahern specialty. However, since Fran went into labor, Jane hadn’t seen either of her godparents for more than moments, only when the two families happened to bump into each other around town.
Or was it one family and a couple, Eric mused. If things had been different, the Aherns would be in the process of adopting a child. Eric would have understood if Sam and Renee had taken a slower approach to that event, but Sam had been on a cloud for those few weeks when it was all they could talk about. And Renee had been…. She had been where Eric had seen her so wishing to be, long before Jane was born. When he’d painted her in the summer of 1960, motherhood had lingered in her stoplight eyes like a faint dream, one that no matter how much time passed could never be extinguished. When Jane was born, that idea was crystalized, although Renee would never admit to it, or not to Eric. But she had made her husband see the light and they had been so close to….
Then the worst possible event had occurred. Yet, Eric and Lynne were starting to talk about another baby, albeit a subject now hedged in mindfulness. But Eric didn’t think it would be much longer before Lynne conveniently forgot her diaphragm, and while she hadn’t gotten her period, Jane wouldn’t breastfeed forever. When he got home, Eric would have to ask if Jane had nursed that evening. Maybe Lynne might let Jane wear herself out, then put their footloose offspring to sleep. Eric smiled; Jane wasn’t the same baby as a month ago and Eric would make that point to Sam among other issues that Eric wished to air.
Reaching the Aherns’ street, Eric parked in front of their house. Sam’s vehicle was in the driveway and lights shone in the living room. Eric quietly got out of his car, then approached the porch. Renee was probably at work and Eric wondered if God had arranged these details, then Eric smiled. Of course he had.
Eric knocked, then stood back. Several seconds passed, then footsteps could be heard. Then they paused and Eric fought a grin as if he was watching Sam vacillate. Finally the front door opened, Sam looking somewhat sheepish. “Oh hello Eric.”
“Good evening Sam. Might I come in?”
“Uh, sure.” Sam stepped back, then he looked out. “Just you?”
“Yeah. Jane’s run off and Lynne’s trying to find her.”
As Eric stepped over the threshold, Sam coughed. “What’d you say?”
Eric laughed. “Oh, just that now with Jane crawling, it’s hard to keep track of her. She nearly knocked over the painting of her and Marek, had to put it in the storage building. She rules the roost until she falls asleep, sometimes right in the middle of the room.”
Sam didn’t speak, but he closed the door. The men stood in the living room, then Sam cleared his throat. “Well, sounds like she’s really going to town.”
“She is, or she would be if we left the front gate open. You should come over to see her. It’s been ages since you’ve been by.”
Eric knew exactly the last time Sam had visited, that day Eric found him seated at their patio table. Weeks had passed in the interim, but those days felt much longer to Eric. Sam looked older, or thinner, or had he lost what little hair had graced his head? Eric wanted to shake this man so the demons resting on Sam’s shoulders would fall away. Instead Eric smiled, then looked around the quiet room. “So, Renee working tonight?”
“What? Oh, uh, yeah she is. Been getting a lotta extra shifts lately.”
Eric nodded. “Lynne’s tried to set up a time for all of us to get together, but I’ll tell you, hard to arrange even lunch for those ladies.”
Sam grunted, nodding his head.
Eric gazed at the pai
ntings, back in their usual spaces on the wall. “So I talked to Stanford recently. There’s gonna be a New York show in November. I told him you said the barn and the hawks were still good to go. I’m sure he’ll give you a call in another day or two.”
Sam stared at Eric. “Did you remind him the hawks aren’t for sale?”
“Yup.” Eric walked to where those three birds gazed into the sunset. He didn’t remember painting them now, too many canvases had come since. And he wasn’t the same man anymore, his faith, Jane, and the friendship with Sam absorbing much of what remained of Eric’s unused gray matter. But Eric would never forget painting the blue barn and he peered at it, looking past the structure, into the mice’s frightened eyes. Eric nearly shivered for how the father mouse standing at the barn’s front left corner beseeched his family to join him. Get over here, he seemed to say, before those two birds realize dinner is just yards away.
But at the time those mice were scurrying into the barn, Eric was battling a falcon, and he recalled that too, his heart racing as he’d ripped into the falcon’s back, trying not to be injured himself. Then after the falcon had fallen and limped away, Eric had taken stock; no prey remained. The mice were safe, so was anything else Eric could have eaten. Later he found an unsuspecting squirrel, and somehow he could taste that meat as if his memories as a hawk were permanently imbedded in his brain. Or maybe it was that one instance so that later he could paint that barn, then come to Sam’s house to try to reason with him. Eric turned to face that man, who was indeed his brother. “Sam, I came here tonight to….”
Sam waved him off. “Eric, it’s none of your business.”
Eric smiled. “Oh really? It’s none of my and Lynne’s business that our best friends are having a marital crisis.”
Sam glared at Eric, then shook his head. “Oh for God’s sake, don’t sound so….”
“So what?” Eric stepped Sam’s way. “So truthful? I haven’t seen you in weeks and Lynne hasn’t seen Renee and Jane hasn’t seen either one of you. Thank the lord she hasn’t been colicky, I know that’s why she was so miserable in June, but this time….”
“Stop it Eric. Look, if you’re gonna start this, you can just leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why you’re so mad.”
“I’m not mad!” Then Sam clucked. “I am not mad. You’re just trying to make me….”
“I’m just trying to save your marriage, you pig-headed idiot!”
Sam sputtered, then shoved hands into his pockets. “I don’t need you coming over here and telling me what’s what. You can just leave Eric and I mean it.”
“Well unfortunately, I’m not going anywhere Sam. I’m your brother and I want an answer.”
“An answer to what?”
“To why you’ve turned into such a, a, a crab.” Eric had considered other adjectives, but crab perfectly described Sam. “You’re an absolute crab these days. I called here not half an hour ago and no one answered. What, you step out, take a walk, or just not wanna talk to anyone?”
“I, I was in the bathroom, if you must know.”
“Well, I guess next time I’ll call back. And I’ll just keep calling every five minutes till you get off the pot and answer the damn phone.”
“Look here Eric, I don’t need….” Suddenly Sam stopped speaking, but he trembled. Eric approached him, but didn’t reach out. Yet Sam looked as if he would buckle. Eric led him to the sofa where Sam fell into the end with a heavy plop. Then Sam put his face into his hands. He still shook, but he didn’t make any noise.
“Sam, you want some water?” Eric spoke softly. “Sam, you okay?”
A minute later, Sam looked up, his face drained of color. He nodded, then mumbled water. Eric stood, heading to the kitchen. He returned with a mostly full glass and Sam sipped from it, then placed it on a coaster on the coffee table. He cracked his knuckles, the sound like shots. Eric sat two feet away, aware that Sam needed space, but that a barrier had fallen.
“Sam, I’m here, you can tell me anything. I wanna help both you and Renee. Please, you can’t go on like this much longer.”
“Renee’s not here Eric.”
“Well, she’ll be home soon enough.”
Sam shook his head. “Renee’s at her parents’ house. She left early last week.”
“Oh my God, oh Sam!”
Grasping the glass, Sam drained it. Then he threw it across the room where it crashed into the far wall, pointy shards landing on the carpet like daggers. Eric glanced that way, then he looked at Sam. That man no longer appeared angry, but as fragmented as the glass that was now lying in pieces.
“It’s over Eric, or it will be. It’s my fault, I drove her away.” He had a sardonic laugh. “Literally. I took her over there, told her I didn’t wanna see her anymore. But she’d packed a bag, maybe it’s a mutual separation. She told her mother she needed time to grieve for….” Sam choked, then looked at the empty coaster, then to the mess on the other side of the room. Then he stared at Eric. “To grieve for babies she didn’t think deserved to live. Well, too damn late for her to care now, huh? They’re dead, Fran’s twins are dead and so’s my….” He took a deep breath. “I should’ve let her go when I came back, no use making us both suffer all these years. She could’ve made a new life for herself, had everything she wanted, she could’ve….”
“Easier to push her away, I guess, than be honest with her.”
Sam’s cheeks were on fire and his blue eyes seethed. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“That’s what you two were fighting about in June, why Jane didn’t see her godparents for a whole month, instead making my and Lynne’s lives miserable. But you worked it out then, even decided that a family was something you wanted. Then the worst thing possible happened. And that’s the truth. But I guess it’s not the very worst, or God wouldn’t have let it happen, now would he?”
Sam stood, shaking his fist at Eric. “Get outta my house right now Snyder. I never wanna see you again!”
Eric went to his feet. He was a few inches taller than Sam, although Sam weighed more. Still, Eric threw up his dukes. “You’re gonna have to throw me out Ahern. I dare you.”
“Why you bastard!” Sam pulled back his right arm, but before a punch could be thrown, he dropped that limb to his side, tears falling down his face. “Leave Eric, just get out. She’s gone, nothing means anything now.”
Eric grasped Sam’s shoulders. “She loves you, you know that. And you love her, don’t tell me you don’t.”
Sam shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. I can’t give her what she wants, I can’t….”
“She wants you, your forgiveness, she wants to….” Make a family sat on the tip of Eric’s tongue, but he didn’t say it. “Call her now Sam. Call and tell her….”
“What, that I’m sorry? What am I supposed to be sorry for Eric? Yeah, I’m sorry I got shot, but as for the rest of it….” Sam shook Eric’s hands from his shoulders. “She’s the one who said those babies shouldn’t even be alive and I guess God was listening. That’s why Fran nearly died, that’s why Simon and Andrew are….” Sam shoved a pointed finger into Eric’s chest. “I lost two nephews Eric, two beautiful little boys all because….”
“Because that was God’s will. The twins aren’t dead because of your wife.”
“God’s will huh? Well, I guess you know all about God’s will, doncha? What, you talk to your Polish pastor about this? That make you some kinda expert on the subject?”
“All I know about forgiveness I learned from my wife. Every time I come back home, no matter how much she’s hurting, Lynne always forgives me.”
Sam had been ready to speak, but his jaw dropped, then he shook his head. “Well, that makes you luckier than me and Renee. Good for you Eric to have a saint for a wife. Not everybody’s so damned blessed.”
“No Sam. You are blessed. Because sometimes you can be a real jackass and Renee forgives you anyways.”
The
men stared at each other. Then Eric spoke. “Lynne told me that right now you’re just like you were two and a half years ago, wondering what the hell was going on. Had she murdered me, hidden the body, what exactly? You were certain something nefarious had taken place, then I came home, told you the truth, which you didn’t really believe until the Fourth of July. I’ll never forget the way you called after me, wishing to God that wasn’t actually happening. But it was, I did turn into a hawk, right before your eyes. Lynne told me how contrite you were afterwards and when I came home you were the one to take care of me. You have a great capacity to love Sam, a tremendous empathy. You also have one of the most stubborn streaks I’ve ever encountered. But like I told Lynne a couple of weeks ago, that probably saved you in Korea. You’re here biting my head off today because you’re such an obstinate son of a….”
“Did she tell you what Renee said?”
“What, uh, no, she didn’t. What’d Renee say Sam?”
Sam glanced at the broken glass, then to the blue barn, keeping his eyes there. “She said that you loved Lynne so much and couldn’t believe she stayed with you. That you’d do anything to make it stop, to stop changing. But you couldn’t, yet, Lynne stayed. Renee said why’d these things happen to us, to all three, or four, of us. That all she and Lynne wanted….” Sam turned back to face Eric. “They wanted our children and Lynne had yours. You came home and she had Jane. But that’ll never happen for Renee and me and now she’s gone and….”
“She’s gone because you sent her away Sam. You made it impossible for her to stay.”
“She should’ve let me go when I came home. I wasn’t any good to her then and all I am is a bastard to her now. A jackass, I think you said.”
“An obstinate son of a gun.” Eric cracked a smile. “No offense to your parents intended.”
Sam nodded. “Well, I guess I sure as hell am.”
“Sam, let me call her. It’s not that late. I’ll drive over and bring her here, I’m sure she wants to put this behind you both. She loves you; she must to put up with you all this time.”
Sam rolled his eyes, then walked to where glass shone in the light. “I need to clean this up, shit, what the hell was I thinking?”
“You clean that up and I’ll call Renee. By the time we get back, I’m sure you’ll have every single piece outta the carpet.”
“Eric, don’t. It’s late and….”
“Is it too late Sam?”
Sam squatted near the glass, carefully picking up the biggest pieces. “I dunno.”
“Well, only one way to find out.” Eric walked toward the kitchen where the phone rested on a table. He didn’t know Renee’s parents’ number, but he could call Lynne to tell her he wouldn’t be home for a while. As he grabbed the receiver, Sam stepped into the room, broken glass in his hand. He carefully set it into the trash, then glared at Eric. “You don’t know the number, so how’re you gonna call her?”
“Well first I was gonna call my wife and tell her not to wait up for me.”
Sam sat at the table, but didn’t clasp his hands together. “Eric, it’s useless. I can’t, I mean….”
“Do you really not love her anymore? Can you sit there and honestly tell me that Sam?”
“I don’t deserve her Eric. She’s better off without me.”
Sam’s voice wasn’t more than a whisper, but those were the words Eric had been waiting to hear. “Sam, for years I felt I didn’t deserve Lynne. Why’d she stay, what on God’s green earth did she see in me? But I loved her. I adored her and I needed her. And for better or worse, she took me as her husband and I realized, seeing her after you took care of me for that week, that I’d hurt her more by keeping her away than all those months when I was gone. I will never do that to her again Sam, no matter what. Even if, God forbid, I end up not turning back into a man one day, I will never deny her like that again. I can’t Sam. I love her, I need her. Just like Renee loves and needs you.”
Eric knelt in front of Sam. “For whatever reason, we happened to find the right person and so did they. No, it’s not easy, sometimes it’s downright miserable, but love irons out the roughest edges. Lynne’s put up with all my crap over the years and I can say the same about Renee, but then you’ve had to endure some pretty tough times too. Marriage isn’t easy Sam, but I believe it is for life, regardless of religion or the lack of it. I’ll call Lynne, then you call Renee. You’re right, I don’t know the Nolans’ phone number. But I’d bet the worth of that barn painting she’s waiting for you, whether she’s there or at work. She’s just waiting for you to….”
“She’s not at work. She took a sabbatical.”
Eric felt sick to his stomach. Then he swallowed and went to his feet. “Well then, tell you what. You call Renee first. That’ll give her time to get her bag packed. I’ll call Lynne, then I’ll drive you over there. You’re in no shape to get behind the wheel and she’s probably not either.”
Sam sighed, staring at Eric. “And then what? You got a magic wand in your pocket, gonna wave it over us, make everything all better?”
Eric chuckled. “I wish. No Sam. Then it’s the hard part, where you talk to her and listen to her too. And then you forgive her and she forgives you and after that, well, I’ll be at home asleep, unless Jane wakes.”
“It’s not that easy Eric.”
“No it’s not, but then me changing back into a man after living in the wild blue yonder for five months wasn’t exactly a picnic. But I did it somehow. Well, I know how. Because you stood beside me and God wanted it that way. God doesn’t want you and Renee apart, Sam. That’s the last thing he wants.”
Sam stood, then motioned to the ceiling. “But God wanted Frannie’s boys to die, is that what you’re telling me? He wanted those babies dead and Fran nearly dead and me and Renee together, is that what I’m getting from you Eric?”
Eric stepped toward Sam, leaving less than a foot between them. “Yeah Sam, that’s it. I know I’m new at this faith stuff, but he didn’t spare his own son. Why shouldn’t we expect some heartache along the way?”
Sam started to speak, then fell silent. He glanced at the phone, staring at it for more than a minute. He took several deep breaths, then gazed at Eric. “Call Lynne, tell her you’ll be home later. Then wait in the car while I call Renee.”
Eric nodded, not asking any questions. He spoke briefly to his wife, who also didn’t inquire beyond Eric’s expected time of return. He wasn’t sure and told her so. Then he closed the call and headed to the living room, seeing himself out. Eric waited five minutes, then watched as Sam exited the house, locking the door behind him. Sam got into the passenger’s seat, then nodded. “She’ll be ready when we get there.”
“Sounds good. Just tell me where to go.”
“Drive to the interstate and go south. I’ll let you know once we’re that far.”
Eric started the car, turning on the headlights. He made a three-point turn on Sam’s street, then headed for the highway.
Chapter 73